BigKK Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 So I know there is really nothing I can do, but I'm just a little surprised by my sister. She's not doing anything wrong but I don't agree with her choices recently, so it's hard being supportive of her. Quick background, she graduated at 21, looked for jobs in Biology with no luck, so she started working retail. (as with plenty of other college grads) She met a boy, fell in love, her first. Everything is fine so far. The guy seems like a nice guy, he's 24. Lives with his parents, can't hold a job down. He dropped out of a few schools but she protects him that he's smart. Sure one can be smart, but yet undriven. Anyway...people can change and maybe he'll make something of himself but so far nothing shows that. My sister moved in with him with his parents...I told her I wasn't a fan of that, and told her she should pay rent. She disagreed and said "they'd be offended." He is going to school again, and she said they're going on a USA trip for a few weeks next week. I asked her how the hell is he taking classes and traveling the US. Well then it finally came out...that their cross country trip is to relocate to North Carolina. I asked why NC, she said "because it's cheap," I asked what will you do for work? She said possibly retail. They're going there for 2 years. I know every gets to do whatever they want, but in my eyes there is zero logic behind it. I believe he went there for another 2 years of school and she is joining him. At this point I feel like she's going to be working to help lower his rent bill. I found this out this morning. I haven't spoken to her since because I'm still upset and processing it all. I wish I could talk some sense to her. In the end I know she's still young...but she was talking of so much "better" plans (subjective I know) but of all plays... North Carolina *shrug* Thoughts? I would like some advice on what kind of stance I should take or how I should talk with her. It's hard to be supportive of something that you don't think it's a great idea. I guess she has to travel her journey and figure it out on her own, I am 8 years older and have always helped guide her and its the first time I'm having a hard time agreeing with her. My girlfriend told me she's drunk in love with her first love and no words nor logic will get through to her. Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 Playing house in NC (North Carolina, not No Contact) will be far different from living with his parents. And reality is the best teacher. Say nothing more --- you don't have to fake support. Just keep the lines of communication open because I, like you, don't think this is a good move. However, it is something she seems to have to learn on her own. When the love goggles come off, and he is sitting on his butt --- and she is working, buying the groceries and cleaning the toilet and he is playing games....she will wonder how to come home. Link to comment
WithLove Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 I moved out to be with a boy over 1400 miles away when I was 18. I regret the decision, but not the experience. She needs to do what she wants. You don't like it, but she'll have to learn the hard way. And you never know, maybe this'll work out for the better. (Even if you don't believe it will.) Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 Well, like mj owe said, it's going to be a rude awakening for her when she's paying the bills, cooking, cleaning, and he's watchung Netflix. When she calls you to complain, offer her your couch. Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 Well, like mj owe said, it's going to be a rude awakening for her when she's paying the bills, cooking, cleaning, and he's watchung Netflix. When she calls you to complain, offer her your couch. Or she can move in with MissK and pay rent! Link to comment
BigKK Posted January 5, 2015 Author Share Posted January 5, 2015 I agree mhowe, I think when they taste the reality of bills this fairy tale will come to a screeching halt. I am going to have a talk with my mom to not help her out... my mom is absolutely broken up about it, since they are two peas in a pod, and she loves her so much she'll help her if she asks...but I am trying to make sure she realizes that not helping her will help her. It's nice to be re-affirmed. It's a bummer my little sister is going to the other coast, but she's gotta learn on her own. There is a reason why many women avoid guys that live with their parents and don't hold down a job...I guess I wish my sister didn't have to learn why on her through experience. Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 Be sure to talk to Mom and let her know that any monetary help will "enable" her to stay --- that part of growing up means taking responsibility for our choices and our actions. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 I think you need to separate your feelings about her leaving (it's far, you'll miss her, etc.) with your feelings about the choice itself (in regards to the guy). In other words, maybe you're a little angry at her for leaving in general, and that's not entirely fair. They're both very young. He may finish school after all, and this may work out. Or not. But I think some perspective is necessary: she's not dropping out of school to follow a band with an ex-con heroin addict. She's moving to another state to work while he goes to school. Not all that scandalous, in my opinion. Link to comment
luminousone Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 I agree mhowe, I think when they taste the reality of bills this fairy tale will come to a screeching halt. I am going to have a talk with my mom to not help her out... my mom is absolutely broken up about it, since they are two peas in a pod, and she loves her so much she'll help her if she asks...but I am trying to make sure she realizes that not helping her will help her. It's nice to be re-affirmed. It's a bummer my little sister is going to the other coast, but she's gotta learn on her own. There is a reason why many women avoid guys that live with their parents and don't hold down a job...I guess I wish my sister didn't have to learn why on her through experience. Sometimes the most loving thing to do for someone is to say no (with great empathy) and hopefully your mom will get that. For you- I get that you are processing your feelings about that but this is a time when your sister needs to make her own choices, good or bad, so she can start learning and growing from the good or bad consequences. It is so hard when you see a train wreck ahead and you want to shield your loved one from getting hurt. But this is part of life - and it gets messy from time to time. On the other hand, you never really know how it will turn out. At least he is going to school! Hopefully he will be successful at that, and perhaps grow up in the process. Be there for your sister for good or bad. Tell her she will be missed, but try to share in some of her excitement. It will mean a lot to her. Send her off with some silly mementoes. My friend sent a box to her daughter who recently moved in with her bf far away. It had a whisker that had fallen off her beloved cat, a sand dollar from the beach, and an ocean-worn smooth rock- and I told my friend to put both names on the "gifts" even though she doesnt think their relationship will last. Her daughter felt supported and was very touched! Otherwise you risk alienating your sister. Your gf is very wise, btw. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 hiya k .. at 21 I was in the army , 3 years later the first gulf war started , I don't imagine any of my lot where particularly thrilled ... my niece is 22 and on her third kid , she even took herself onto a tv show to publicly do a DNA to determine the father of her first kid ... *sigh* I screamed at my brother , how the hell could he let his daughter go on the chat show and do this infront of the world ..well the uk at any rate ..his reply .. " what do you expect me to do when she is a grown woman" and that is my point ..her life ...her choices ...her decisions ...and if it all comes tumbling down then just be the one to be there and give her a hug and start again ... by the way you sound like an amazing big brother to have x Link to comment
BigKK Posted January 5, 2015 Author Share Posted January 5, 2015 I think you need to separate your feelings about her leaving (it's far, you'll miss her, etc.) with your feelings about the choice itself (in regards to the guy). In other words, maybe you're a little angry at her for leaving in general, and that's not entirely fair. They're both very young. He may finish school after all, and this may work out. Or not. But I think some perspective is necessary: she's not dropping out of school to follow a band with an ex-con heroin addict. She's moving to another state to work while he goes to school. Not all that scandalous, in my opinion. I understand this, and I hope for her sake he cleans up his acts. But being the youngest in the family, and babied by his mother...I will be pleasantly surprised if he'll finish school and do something besides waiting tables occasionally. He's being going to school for 6 years, dropped out of several schools. (kicked out for low gpa) When I asked her about out of state tuition, she said she didn't even look into yet. Why would one leave a state, where school is $8000 a year to attend a school that is $30k a year. Feelings or not, if I was a betting man, I wouldn't bet on her boyfriend. I'd like to be wrong, I will keep most of my opinions to myself. I get the feeling she's pushing him to finish school, and I think she's going to have a learning experience and probably be disappointed. Everyone is right though, she must learn on her own! Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 Life lessons sometimes have to be learned the hard way. My ex just left for NC so there must be some attraction to that state. I just told her I was disappointed she was leaving (whole other story) It is so tough to keep your mouth shut but sometimes it all you can do. Just make sure the bf knows if he gets her pregnant he will have to deal with you personally! Tell her you love her dearly and wish her the best but you don't think they have thought this all the way through. Lost Link to comment
catfeeder Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 I'd keep in the front of my mind at all times that the more judgmental and disapproving I come accross, the more difficult I will make it for her to remain open with me and the more difficult for her to come home when she wants to. So I'd be careful not to corner her, or she'll dig in and pride will prevent her from turning to me when she needs me the most. Think long range. Any mistake she makes now while she's young is recoverable. Any mistake she embeds herself in to spite a disapproving family is not necessarily recoverable. I'd get clarity about that, and I'd cheerlead her into her first big tutorial in reality. She's lucky to have you for a sister, and I hope you'll give this your best shot at a Meryl Streep award for best performance. Head high. Link to comment
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