Bf addicted to opioids

[klvd]

I have been dating a 27 year old single father since early august. He was open from day one about being an opioid user and seemed very enthusiastic to quit. When I finally stRted to see the negative impacts of opioids ( weight loss, bi-polar mood swings, lying in our relationship) I started to get less tolerant of his usage. I have always been calm and optimistic for him, being positive not negative but it reached a point where I decided I wanted no part of it anymore

 

What I mean by not wanting any part of it is that he has an olde friend who is prescribed percocets and in exchange for lunch or breakfast, this man gives my bf percocets for free. My bfs car is not currently legal so he uses my car. I decided that I and my car will not be going over to his friends house ever again. If he wanted his pills he would have to find his own way... That lead to begging whining crying and even getting mad at me and trying to throw things in my face in order to justify his wanting to go over there and use. It also lead to lies and taking my car there behind my back. The last couple of nights have ended with fights because I cannot stand being lied to. I know he is an addict and it's all part of addict behavior but I have about reached my limit. I'm about to tell his friend to stop supplying him and I'm about to tell his mom what he's up to so I have some extra support to help me..... Is this a good/bad idea?? Suggestions? Am I unfair for not wanting to let him use my car right now?

[BigKK]

klvd, I commend you for attempting to not being an enabler, unfortunately, none of this helps...

 

Putting up hurdles for an addict to jump, he'll jump through all of them, he sounds like he is very deep into an addiction.

 

I'm curious why you accept being in a relationship with an addict? Do you have a history of wanting to "fix" people. Nothing will change unless he wants to change deep down, and probably the only way to do it is rehab.

 

 

This isn't about the car, of course you shouldn't help him kill himself, but seriously...dating since August, and you're putting up with this? You should be long gone. Suggest rehab, and walk.

[mhowe]

Telling his friends to stop supplying him and telling his mom (seriously) about his addiction are not the answer. The answer is breaking up with him.

[Supernova1607309611]

You need to break up with this loser. You can't fix a drug addict, and it is signing up for a lifetime of trouble. And addicts love to suck other people into being co-dependent with them on their addiction, where it becomes your job to 'monitor' their usage and enable them by taking over parts of their responsibilities (i.e., paying their rent, providing them with cars and money etc.).

 

You need to recognize that is it not your job to 'own' his addiction, and he must own it himself and WANT to change and actually take steps to change (i.e., going to rehab, going to Narc-Anon) and actually quitting rather than trying to manipulate you into situations that allow him to continue his drug use.

 

The world is full of normal men who are not addicts for you to pick as a partner, so stop falling for this manipulation and get out before it gets worse, and it ALWAYS gets worse with addicts if they don't immediately go to rehab and take full responsibility for quitting drugs and staying clean and sober, which he obviously isn't doing. They are notorious for empty promises about wanting to quit, but the ones who REALLY want to quit actually go to rehab and/or join a program and actually do quit. Your BF isn't doing that, so he's a lost cause.

[SpottiOtti]

I'm curious why you accept being in a relationship with an addict? Do you have a history of wanting to "fix" people.

 

Great questions.

 

Have you had experience in the past with addicts? If not, done much research?

 

I think it's smart of you not to let him use your car. Not currently legal . . . does that mean his license got taken away? Possibly for driving under the influence?

[MisUnderstood9]

The answer is to break up with him.

 

He is a drug addict, he isnt going to change. You have only been dating for 3 months. Not a big deal to end the relationship this early on. This addiction is his issue, not yours.

 

It has nothing to do with your car and its not your responsiblity to tell his mommy or his dealer to stop. You need to know that this relationship is toxic and he is probably using you for not just your car but, I wouldnt doubt money too.

[SooSad33]

No. I suggest you do your own thing and leave him. Don't involve his family, that'll most likely make things even worse!

 

Don't like it? Get out of it.

[klvd]

I did not post this question for you to all attack my boyfriend. Yes he is an addict who needs and wants help. We have both already discussed that the only way he will successfully quit is by his own desire to. I get that I can't fix him but I can be a support system. No he doesn't use me for anything other than my car. He even fills it up for me. I have to drive an hour into the city 4 days a week and I haven't had to pay for gas shove he started borrowing the car. He cooks for me and takes care of me and generally makes me crazy happy, the drug use is our only problem. How dare you all just so blindly assume he's a loser and I should leave him.

[SpottiOtti]

I didn't say you should break up with him.

 

And you didn't answer BigKK's questions. If you are going to stay with him while maintaining healthy boundaries and not going down the rabbit hole with him, it's important for you to understand your motives in this relationship and also to watch out for codependent tendencies. Hence my questions about past experiences with addicts, and how much knowledge you have about them.

[BigKK]

If you want to be a real support system, tell him to go to rehab.

 

 

Are you using as well?

[klvd]

I plan on staying. I have no past experince with addicts. I took an addictions class in college

[ParisPaulette]

I commend you for trying to help your BF BUT and this is a big one, he has to want to help himself first. Otherwise everything you do is all for nothing. And please do not go confront his friend by yourself--that's just foolishly putting yourself at risk. The guy is a drug dealer same as anyone who sells crack on the street corner. It's never a good idea to just up and tell them you will be cutting off their customers. Ditto telling the mom although yeah, I think she should know her son has issues, just simply because as a mother myself I would want to know.

 

After that all that is left for you is to walk away and disappear. And by that I mean you go and take your car and change the locks and put an alarm on it, so that he can't come and steal it. I'm sorry, but I have family who were alcoholics, dated a guy who was a Xanax addict, had a short-lived addiction to painkillers and opoids in high school myself. And kicking that habit was one of the hardest things I ever did and yes, I got very ruthless about feeding my addiction. No one's medicine cabinet was safe and I lied to anyone and everyone about my habit--and I was a "good girl" involved in a number of clubs, looked down upon by the party crowd for being too "straight" and so on. No one understood back then what a prescription pill addict was, but I did. It took me all of four weeks to get hooked and to catch on to the fact that I could be high under everyone's noses all day long and play the innocent and no one was the wiser until my doctor saw the look on my face when he said I was better and didn't need my prescriptions. Thank god that doctor was at least ethical enough to sit me down and tell me what was going and urge my family to help me.

 

I knew what I was and how to feed my habit at the age of 16. And your boyfriend knows it too.

 

And that whole "I want to get clean" bit is just a smokescreen unless he's checking into a program or doing what I did and having friends and family lock me in the house while I sweated and cursed it out. I'm sorry, but you were likely lied to from the get-go since he needs your car and other support from you. Staying with him just enables him until he hits rock bottom and says to himself, "I want out" and is willing to chew his own legs off to get out of that trap.

 

I know, I've seen it, I've lived it. Addictions are a hard monkey to break and prescription pill addictions are some of the worst.

[BigKK]

If you TRULY care about him, and he loves you. You tell him get clean, go to rehab or I'm walking. If he doesn't, You leave him, he feels the pain of your absence and hopefully changes. Once he's clean you can pursue a relationship.

 

 

Staying by his side is fruitless, you're going to be monitoring and policing his usage. If you're not happy with your own life, then this is a great distraction..."dealing with his addiction." It's all good advice, but probably you won't take it.

 

Good luck to you, you're in for a roller coaster

[bulletproof]

I did not post this question for you to all attack my boyfriend. Yes he is an addict who needs and wants help. We have both already discussed that the only way he will successfully quit is by his own desire to. I get that I can't fix him but I can be a support system. No he doesn't use me for anything other than my car. He even fills it up for me. I have to drive an hour into the city 4 days a week and I haven't had to pay for gas shove he started borrowing the car. He cooks for me and takes care of me and generally makes me crazy happy, the drug use is our only problem. How dare you all just so blindly assume he's a loser and I should leave him.

 

Nobody's attacking your boyfriend. They're being honest with you: that he has no place being in a relationship with you while he's actively addicted.

You don't leave him because he's a loser, you leave him because he lies, has mood swings, and is completely disregarding your well-being by using your car to buy drugs. Doesn't matter that the reason for those bad behaviors are the drugs, they're still unacceptable in a healthy relationship.

[Batya33]

I did not post this question for you to all attack my boyfriend. Yes he is an addict who needs and wants help. We have both already discussed that the only way he will successfully quit is by his own desire to. I get that I can't fix him but I can be a support system. No he doesn't use me for anything other than my car. He even fills it up for me. I have to drive an hour into the city 4 days a week and I haven't had to pay for gas shove he started borrowing the car. He cooks for me and takes care of me and generally makes me crazy happy, the drug use is our only problem. How dare you all just so blindly assume he's a loser and I should leave him.

 

If you care about him then be supportive by being a friend who helps him find a good drug treatment program and be someone who he can talk to about what is going on in the program. If you want someone to take care of you and cook for you go live with your parents or hire a cook/cleaning service. Big deal that he pays for gas -that's something you look for in a partner? You're bound to get in trouble with the law at some point through your association with him -is that worth it? Or watching his child/children be neglected because of his drug addiction?

[ParisPaulette]

We gave you advice about living with an addict. You need to take some responsibility for the fact you didn't say anything positive about him in the beginning, we all responded to what you posted. We can only give advice based on what you tell us. You were complaining about him taking your car and his addiction and his broken promises, so that's what I gave advice based around.

 

And my previous advice still stands. He is an addict and until and unless he himself walks himself into a clinic or a program he will not get free of that addiction. You could and should probably go talk to a few addiction counselors and programs then to find out what you can do to support, but not enable him.

[Capricorn3]

I finally stRted to see the negative impacts of opioids ( weight loss, bi-polar mood swings, lying in our relationship) I started to get less tolerant of his usage.

 

My bfs car is not currently legal so he uses my car. I decided that I and my car will not be going over to his friends house ever again. If he wanted his pills he would have to find his own way... That lead to begging whining crying and even getting mad at me and trying to throw things in my face in order to justify his wanting to go over there and use. It also lead to lies and taking my car there behind my back. The last couple of nights have ended with fights because I cannot stand being lied to. I have about reached my limit.

OP: You REALLY need to re-read your own words above. Really absorb every single word and take it in. All of this unbelievably toxic relationship in only 2 months. You say you have reached your limit. You say you hate his lies. Now he's using YOUR car to do his drug deals. Do you have any idea what this actually means for you? If any cop pulled him over, YOU could be locked up. ....... And then you say you intend staying with him .........??

 

OP: You really need to ask yourself what kind of future you'll have with this guy, when after only two months you have "reached your limit". Seriously.

 

And add to that, just a few weeks ago you posted that you think he's cheating on you. Is this really who you want to be with??

[llevantpress]

I plan on staying. I have no past experince with addicts. I took an addictions class in college

 

I do have experience of addicts. Unfortunately, classes don't substitute for experience, even though I'm a bio-medical science major. I've known a few people who have been addicted to prescription pills. All opiates. Very addictive. Good people can turn into addicts easily. Maybe your boyfriend had an accident or illness and was prescribed pain pills to cope. Numerous amounts of people get addicted this way after taking them for about a month, or even less. The point is, they take opiates for a legit reason, but then they find themselves physically addicted to them after what seems to be a short time of taking them. You should never take opiates for more than a few weeks, or a couple of weeks to be safe. I had a close neighbor friend of the family who became addicted to prescription pills after about a month. It took him almost a year to recover.

 

My father is physically dependent on opiates because of chronic pain. He has to take them for a legitimate reason. Whenever I get involved with his medications (as in dropping prescriptions off, ordering medications, my friends and myself just being around his drugs, etc) he gets really defensive about them. To the point where he blows a gasket. He knows how to come off them, but it is HARD. Dependency can be an ugly thing. As long as your boyfriend is on them, be wary that he can continue his currently abusive behavior.

 

My friend also died this month from her addiction. It was so sudden, and when I went to her wake, so many people were there who cared for her. Including her boyfriend, who is a good friend of mine as well. She was too young. It was unbearably tragic. Don't doubt for a second your boyfriend is putting himself in death's hands when dealing with narcotics. They can kill you if you are reckless with them.

 

So OP, proceed with caution. No offense, but your boyfriend is already showing signs of abuse in a very early point in your relationship. He threw stuff at your face...stole your car...was verbally bullying you into enabling his addiction. You already can't take his behavior, and you shouldn't have to put up with it. Just know, if you continue your relationship with him, this behavior could go on for a while. He should realize he has to get off the pills. He needs to find the want to come clean within himself, or he will continuously feed his addiction, even with rehab. Are you willing to stick it out like this for so long?

[catfeeder]

I have over 20 years experience in addictions, and I can tell you that the 'support' you hope to offer BF only harms him rather than helps him.

 

Find your nearest Alanon or Narcanon meeting and attend a minimum of 3 sessions. You need to learn from other people who love an addict, and I promise they won't 'attack' your BF or insist that you leave him. They will give you coping strategies and help you to understand all the ways you can harm or legitimately help your BF.

[metrogirl]

So while he's getting high, who is watching his kid?

[Supernova1607309611]

>>Now he's using YOUR car to do his drug deals.

 

You need to know that how the cops work is they usually start watching drug dealers and watch them for a LONG TIME before they actually arrest anybody. They are trying to throw as wide a net as they can to catch not only 'one little fish' like a guy buying some drugs on a particular day, but the dealer, the dealer's supplier, and multiple people buying the drugs. So they will watch the dealer and start recording license plates numbers and other evidence that they need to investigate and exploring who is buying and the connections. Then they eventually arrest a whole lot of people in a sting.

 

So if he is using your car (and you are going with him) to buy drugs, don't be surprised if one day your BF and even you ends up in jail, or the cops raid your house and car for illegal drugs. And if you are procuring drugs for him in your car, letting him use or store drugs at your house, you can be hit with charges of being a supplier/dealer which usually carries serious jail time, and depending on your locality, it may be an automatic jail sentence with no chance to plea bargain or for parole. Keep in mind that many drug addicts deal on the side themselves to support their habits (and you may just not know about this yet) and he could be using your car for those activities which would be jail time for you if you get caught in a sting.

 

You're playing with fire here and just don't know it. Illegal opioid addiction is a serious business on so many levels, and this guy will drag you into the gutter with him if you let him. I know you are upset at him being called a loser, but the truth is EVERYONE loses when there is drug abuse involved, and he IS a loser if he's yielding to drug use and sucking you down to his level. He will stop being a loser if he gets into rehab and stops using, but not until then. Don't be naive here!

[Supernova1607309611]

btw, the only way to be 'supportive' of a drug user is to tell them that they must go to rehab and quit using or you'll have nothing to do with them. Being 'nice' or 'supportive' in the traditional sense will not fix an addict, but usually leads to worsened usage because he's got a nice soft place to indulge himself and you won't insist he stop or cut off his resources to use drugs like money, a roof over his head, use of your car etch.

 

Most addicts who kick the habit are usually FORCED into it when they get arrested and end up in jail and forced into programs, or when they lose everyone and everything that matters to them and hit bottom. As long as they've got a comforting GF who is all sympathetic and falls for their lies and manipulations, they just sink deeper into drug use.

 

so please educate yourself on drug addiction and what it means to be an enabler. And think long and hard about saving YOURSELF, not him, but you are going down a really bad road being involved with an actively using drug addict. If he gets and stays clean you might consider it, but not until then. Most addicts just have a series of relationships where they use people to allow them to continue to use drugs, until they've exhausted all their good will and the friends/lovers/relatives refuse to provide for them. Then they just go looking for a new GF to con into the game and the cycle starts again.

 

If he really wants to stop, he would stop TODAY and get into a program TODAY and not give you some sob story about how he's a poor helpless little drug addict and you need to be patient and lend him your car to do drug deals. I suspect you are just one in a long line of GFs who get conned and lied to for as long as they'll put up with it, then he moves on to the next one.

[catfeeder]

[...] Most addicts who kick the habit are usually FORCED into it when they get arrested and end up in jail and forced into programs, or when they lose everyone and everything that matters to them and hit bottom. As long as they've got a comforting GF who is all sympathetic and falls for their lies and manipulations, they just sink deeper into drug use. [...]

 

Bingo! The best contribution you can make to an addict is to become one of the losses he suffers in favor of the drugs.