Is this stress or my girlfriend's true personality?

[Scoe141]

I've been dating "Jane" for approximately 4 months or so. Overall I would say things are going well. We get a long great, communicate very well and do our best to see one another despite our crazy schedules. She lives about 45 minutes away, works two jobs and only has one day off a week. We get together once a week or so and talk when we can. She's stated that she loves me and thinks that I'm a great guy and appreciates all that I do for her. (I send her sweet texts, give her compliments, thoughtful gifts, (nothing expensive, just thoughtful, especially since I know money is tight.) She's done some super sweet things for me and I think she has some amazing qualities.

 

However, over the past week I've noticed a change in her. A change in conversation, texting and overall behavior. She had a very busy week last week including several nights of getting 4-5 hours of sleep. I saw her over the weekend and things were good... but I sensed something was off.

 

She said her behavior was influenced from her being tired and having a long week. Normally I would understand that, but there has been some of things that I've read/experienced that makes me question that. I understand no one is perfect.... but here are a few examples that I've noticed for the first time with her.

 

 

• Rude comments/texts

 

On one of her long days, I woke up early and texted her that I was thinking of her and that I asked if she needed anything.

 

Her response:

She said she was all set. Then texted, "Go back back to bed since you can."

 

I told her that I should be doing something for her to help her long day.

 

Her response:

"Stop. Go back to bed."

 

--------

 

She had texted me something that I didn't understand. So I asked what she was meant.

 

Her response:

 

Nothing. Don't worry about it.

 

I said, "No, but I am now."

 

Her response:

Stop.

 

So I did.

 

----------

 

Usually we talk every day, i.e. phone or text. So one day I didn't hear from all day. So said that I know that she's had a lot going on, so I wanted to give her space that day. (I felt that she needed it. This was based on her demeanor.)

 

Her response:

 

How about if I need space I ask for her? That way you don't have to guess.

 

I told her that I thought that was a great idea.

 

Her response:

Excellent. So knock it off (In a kidding, but brash kind of way.)

 

----------

 

So today, she had a long day and said that I wished that I was with her. So I wanted to help take some stress away and to have some fun. So I said, "here imagine this…" (and I was going to say something sweet…

 

Her response:

 

My imagination is just fine.

 

I politely said, I"m sorry I was just trying to help. I feel like your comments have put me down." (They have been growing old lately.)

 

She said that she was sorry.

 

--------

 

Other observations:

 

I felt she's been brash, her comments curt and rude. (Including said above) She's been swearing more. (It would slip every once in a while especially if she was stressed. Now she seems to let them fly like they're part of the conversation.

 

Is the honeymoon phase over and I'm seeing her true colors? Or does she does have a ton on her plate, including working several jobs and stressors in her family, so that's the reason for her behavior?

 

I do try and give her space, especially when I feel she needs it. She has said, she's not good at receiving compliments but is working on it. She hasn't called me anything sweet in a while, which I chalked up to her being busy and stressed. Even though I have continued being sweet to her.

 

Do I give it time? Or if they continue, do I politely let her know I'm not going to put up with her behavior? I want to be supportive (as I have been, but I also know that no one, including myself should be treated poorly.) She's a very caring and compassionate person and I've never thought her to be vindictive... but I also don't think those types of repeated comments are justified.

 

Thanks for any advice.

[jjkk]

It could be stress but it could also be that it seems that you're overly sensitive. I don't see anything especially rude about any of the examples you listed. Through texts it's hard to see where people are really coming from so things can be misinterpreted easily since you don't get tone of voice and facial expressions. She could just be a more abrupt type person or as some may call "rough around the edges" in that they can come off harsh or rude to sensitive people but that's not really the intent or how they mean for it to be. It can be difficult for a really sensitive person to be in a relationship with someone like this. Neither is bad or wrong, they're just not compatible...one person always getting their feelings hurt, the other walking on eggshells worrying that they're going to hurt the other's feelings.

 

This may or may not be what's going on but based on the examples you listed, it seems you're taking things in a negative way when they may not be intended that way. I saw a couple of them as her actually being affectionate or caring towards you...telling you to go back to sleep, telling you not to worry about giving her space and that she'd tell you if she needs it.

 

Maybe having a non-confrontational conversation with her and ask her about it. No judgments or accusations, just how you're feeling and if you're reading her response correctly and how you two can communicate in a way that you both understand where the other is coming from. This should be done in person, not via text because interpretations can be way off from what's intended.

[Natasha24]

It's hard to tell with texting. She could be a b*tch, or she could be joking. Tone and sarcasm doesn't come through well with text messages.

 

I would wait it out a little bit longer. She could be stressed, she could be on her period, she could be overtired. If she keeps up this attitude, I would just be honest. "You're being super rude and I'm just trying to be nice." then tell her goodbye and find someone worth your time.

[Scoe141]

Thanks for your interpretation. I would agree with a lot of what you said. I do tend to be sensitive, but at the same time very understanding. (Hence why I posted this, just to make sure I wasn't reading into it, or being taking advantage of.) There are times when I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, but that's just because I can misinterpret things, including texts. (Which I hate because often times it's difficult to understand what the other person is feeling/trying to convey.) If she does say something that bothers me, and I inform her of it, she does quickly apologize...

 

I can deal with comments, especially if someone is going through a stressful time. We all go through periods of life that are stressful- I just don't want to be that "nice guy" whos being taking advantage of. Ive been there, and won't go back again.

 

Thanks again for your insight.

[Scoe141]

Thanks Natasha! Solid advice- much obliged.

[faraday]

Stop being "sweet". It's not sweet. It's overbearing, needy, insecure....and when she's busy, she can't deal with your stuff. You need to chill out. When she's busy, let her text you. You're going to smother her.

[RKO]

Are you 2 an official couple of still in the dating game? is she/you seeing or speaking to other people?

[Scoe141]

Are you 2 an official couple of still in the dating game? is she/you seeing or speaking to other people?

 

No, we're exclusive.

[Scoe141]

Stop being "sweet". It's not sweet. It's overbearing, needy, insecure....and when she's busy, she can't deal with your stuff. You need to chill out. When she's busy, let her text you. You're going to smother her.

 

Thank you for your thoughts and advice, they're duly noted. It's great to hear others opinions that could potentially help a situation.

[SooSad33]

I suggest you stop trying to 'suck up' to her 'actions' n attitude.

Don't bother trying to 'please her'. IF she appreciated you, she can show it.

 

I suggest to back off some and let HER reach out to you for a while.

[Scoe141]

I suggest you stop trying to 'suck up' to her 'actions' n attitude.

Don't bother trying to 'please her'. IF she appreciated you, she can show it.

 

I suggest to back off some and let HER reach out to you for a while.

 

Thanks SooSad. That's what I've been doing over the past couple of days and will continue to do so until things settle back down.

 

My problem is I am sensitive and caring and I need to make sure that I can draw the line without being over the top.

[WithLove]

Hello OP,

 

I think you sound like a sweet and caring guy - but as someone else that is also overly busy and most of the time exhausted, I can tell you that all of your sweet gestures, while honestly meant, would annoy me, too. She's concentrating so much on the work she's doing and trying to be present through it (since she's so tired, she's probably not performing at her best) that the last thing she wants is to have to talk to you about your relationship.

 

Have you two talked about her long hours? Do you know how long this will be for? I don't think it's who she really is or her 'true colors', but if this schedule is long-term, it may become that way. It also sounds to me as if you might be in a different situation yourself (i.e, not as busy, or you have a better job to where you don't have to work two of them) and she's jealous and maybe a little resentful of that. It's not your fault and has nothing to do with you as a person; she's just tired of working so hard and resents anyone that doesn't understand how tired she is.

 

OP, I'd suggest just sending her a good morning text, tell her you're thinking of her, and that you're looking forward to hearing from her once she's home and able to relax.

[Scoe141]

Thanks again for your help and kind words. They are much appreciated!

[Ms Darcy]

Thanks SooSad. That's what I've been doing over the past couple of days and will continue to do so until things settle back down.

 

My problem is I am sensitive and caring and I need to make sure that I can draw the line without being over the top.

 

I think the problem is that you are OVERSENSITIVE and NEEDY.

 

You guys have busy lives. Don't crowd her with all of this communication. And texting is not a great way to communicate anyway because you can't read tone or sarcasm.

 

I would advise you to stop trying to text throughout the day and just call her once a day to check in. If her verbal tone is unwelcoming to you, talk to her about it. Communication skills are critical for long-term success in relationships.

[Scoe141]

I think the problem is that you are OVERSENSITIVE and NEEDY.

 

You guys have busy lives. Don't crowd her with all of this communication. And texting is not a great way to communicate anyway because you can't read tone or sarcasm.

 

I would advise you to stop trying to text throughout the day and just call her once a day to check in. If her verbal tone is unwelcoming to you, talk to her about it. Communication skills are critical for long-term success in relationships.

 

Ms Darcy-

 

Thank you for being open and pointing out my flaws. I have no problems working on anything that would benefit any relationship. That being said, since I don't want to push her away or overwhelm her (and certainly not ruin a good thing). How do you feel that I should approach the situation from here on out?

 

Thanks again for everyones help.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, like I said. Slow down on the texting. If you are with someone who is super busy and tired, let her initiate contact a bit more. Be receptive when she does. That way, it takes off some of the pressure and it increases her attraction to you.

 

Don't let yourself think negative thoughts. Even if it takes a while for her to initiate, don't panic.

 

I also suggest reading this and keeping this in mind anytime you start to worry: link removed

[Scoe141]

Well, like I said. Slow down on the texting. If you are with someone who is super busy and tired, let her initiate contact a bit more. Be receptive when she does. That way, it takes off some of the pressure and it increases her attraction to you.

 

Don't let yourself think negative thoughts. Even if it takes a while for her to initiate, don't panic.

 

I also suggest reading this and keeping this in mind anytime you start to worry: link removed

 

Will do. Thanks again for all of your help!

[SoulTaker]

She's stated that she loves me and thinks that I'm a great guy and appreciates all that I do for her. (I send her sweet texts, give her compliments, thoughtful gifts, (nothing expensive, just thoughtful, especially since I know money is tight.) She's done some super sweet things for me and I think she has some amazing qualities.

 

As others have noted, you're coming accross as "needy", smothering her with affection. She might be okay with this type of action for the first few months, but it can become suffocating after awhile.

 

You need to tread carefully. This is not only about you evaluating her personality, she could now be re-evaluating your personality. It's a two way street. Did she really like all of the things you were doing for her, or just tolerating them.

[Scoe141]

As others have noted, you're coming accross as "needy", smothering her with affection. She might be okay with this type of action for the first few months, but it can become suffocating after awhile.

 

You need to tread carefully. This is not only about you evaluating her personality, she could now be re-evaluating your personality. It's a two way street. Did she really like all of the things you were doing for her, or just tolerating them.

 

It wasn't like I was showering her with gifts by any means. But I see where you're going with this... Thinking back on it, I think she appreciated it, but at the same time it may have been getting to the point where she began to tolerate them. She has done a few things for me as well... so it just wasnt "all me." But I get it... and lots of notes have been taken.

 

We spoke to tonight (she called me) and had a good conversation. Nothing to do with our relationship just "random stuff". Several minutes after we got off the phone she texted to say Thanks for chatting. It was nice talking earlier.

 

I'm thinking she's still interested... I just need to heed (everyone's) advice and cool it...take it slow. Take a few steps back.

 

I do like her and I feel it's reciprocated, but don't want her to feel like I'm not taking the lead or not interested. At the same token, I don't want to be overbearing... or sound "needy". It makes me sick that I sounded like that!

 

Open to thoughts and advice. Thanks.

[Sportster2005]

You don't if you have a problem until you talk face to face like adults.

 

Texting, killing relationships faster than we create them. I fear for our species.