Girl left me because I insulted her

[LC8328]

You think she enjoyed your insults because she had a smile on her face, but there are plenty of women (and men) who will smile through their discomfort, because they don't know how else to react.

 

Please DO NOT go through your dating life believing that some women enjoy being called fat or worse.

 

I very briefly dated this guy who insulted me while trying to make it a joke. He also said it lightly, and I could hear the smile in his voice. I hung up on him and later broke up with him, and I'm still mad at him even though I haven't seen him in over 10 years.

 

Real men love their women and would never dream of disrespecting them like that. You'll learn this as you attain more dating experience. And if you don't, you won't have many women dating you at all.

[childintime]

Guys, you are right, that it was icing on the cake and she left me because I was too harsh on her.

 

But, I think you got the wrong impression that I am constantly this bad. I am good person, and I always talk to her politely, help her, etc. I do this stuff just sometimes, let's say once in a day I'll drop some stupid joke, which may little by too hash for her, but come on, people do much worse things than that, considering it's only a joke. And I always make it clear it's a joke. It's more important what person you are deep inside, and not only what you say. Yes I may sound too harsh sometimes but I don't mean it, and I usually make it clear.

 

It's her choice to break up with me, no doubt, but come on, it's not THAT bad. It's not like we are all perfect and it's not like i am constantly bashing on her, I am not stupid.

 

Also why do you think she is never coming back? I mean girls come back even after cheating or lying boyfriends, and that's 100 worse in my opinion compared to what I did. I am honest and trusted person, do you think such things cannot be forgiven?

[Tanzi]

I'm not questioning whether you are a good guy (I think you just have this horribly wrong) but the fact remains that if you constantly go too far with your insults or sarcasm you will eventually get dumped!

 

You're right, no-one is perfect but you don't need to be perfect to have a little common sense!

 

She doesn't need to forgive you because she is done and regardless of what other people do and what you deem worse, there are no excuses for even throwing one insult or sarcastic quip intended to make her feel bad her way.

 

It might not seem that bad to you, it might not seem that bad to someone else ... but if seems that bad to the person on the receiving end then they are quite within their rights to walk away from it or to assume that you are a sarcastic jerk and to let someone else be the butt of your bad jokes.

 

The title of your thread says it all .... Girl left me because I insulted her ... that says it all.

[Tanzi]

And I always make it clear it's a joke. It's more important what person you are deep inside, and not only what you say. Yes I may sound too harsh sometimes but I don't mean it, and I usually make it clear.

 

To add .... if you have to make it clear that something you have said is a joke then quite obviously it isn't a joke. To tell someone they look fat and then tell them it was a joke doesn't really cut it, I'm afraid, because one of those statements then isn't true and you are leaving them deciphering which one is true and which one isn't ... which one of those statements is the actual "joke"?

 

Yes, the person you are inside is very important but that statement is generally used when in comparison to what someone looks like. How they behave and how they are towards you is what depicts exactly the sort of person you are inside and you were telling her that you were a complete and utter jerk.

 

How, when you are throwing regular insults or sarcastic comments her way, is she able to tell who the real person is inside. Is it the one that is generally nice in between these so-called "jokes" or is the sarcastic/insulting one in between?

[childintime]

I guess you are right. Now when I think about it maybe it's good that we broke up. I mean if she left me because of such a minor thing (in my opinion) then how could our relationship last for months or years? Eventually i would say something bad and she would get mad and left me. Maybe she is just too sensitive for me.

 

Now all that said, do you guys think there are chances she will come back and contact me? Or maybe if I meet her accidentally and talk to her nicely she will change her mind? I mean it's not like I cheated or lied with her. We had so much fun, so I guess she should have good memories about me and maybe eventually forgive me.

[Tanzi]

I guess you are right. Now when I think about it maybe it's good that we broke up. I mean if she left me because of such a minor thing (in my opinion) then how could our relationship last for months or years? Eventually i would say something bad and she would get mad and left me. Maybe she is just too sensitive for me.

 

You already did say something bad, remember? You told her to stop talking and to be quiet ... for which you are now sorry. Or did you mean something worse?

 

You really liked this girl. All you had to do was be nice to her.

 

She may have just seen you as immature because a real man .... a gentleman .... wouldn't insult a women for a joke. Nevertheless, if you don't think any of this is a major deal (ie. that you lost someone you liked because you insulted her) then I think you are going to find yourself in this situation again and again.

 

Now all that said, do you guys think there are chances she will come back and contact me? Or maybe if I meet her accidentally and talk to her nicely she will change her mind? I mean it's not like I cheated or lied with her. We had so much fun, so I guess she should have good memories about me and maybe eventually forgive me.

 

I will say it again ... it doesn't matter that you didn't cheat or didn't lie ... if this girl didn't like the way you were talking to her, then she is under no obligation to stay with you. I wouldn't put up with someone treating me badly just because it didn't involve lying or cheating (and, in fact, I didn't).

 

I personally think she is done here. If you are going to see her around campus then, yes, be nice to her and see if you can build upon that but she has seen another side to you ... one that speaks harsh words ... so I don't think that things will develop beyond acquaintances again.

[mhowe]

The thing is....this is your personality....and she doesn't find you amusing. Time to fin someone who shares your sense of adolescent humor.

[childintime]

Maybe because you are a girl, and you think this way, but it's not that harsh to say little sarcasm here and there. I talked to a lot of women, some take it easy some not, but to say that I will always have a problem if I behave this way I think it's nonsensical. Most women never get mad at me for that, and usually laugh at it. Some girls even LOVE that. What I am trying to say that she is in fact really sensitive person in that regard, and maybe it's not just my fault in a way.

 

Note: I am not talking here about the way I insulted her in the end - that's obviously unacceptable.

 

Anyways you probably still disagree with me here.

[mhowe]

It is your fault...100%.

[Tanzi]

Maybe because you are a girl, and you think this way, but it's not that harsh to say little sarcasm here and there. I talked to a lot of women, some take it easy some not, but to say that I will always have a problem if I behave this way I think it's nonsensical. Most women never get mad at me for that, and usually laugh at it. Some girls even LOVE that. What I am trying to say that she is in fact really sensitive person in that regard, and maybe it's not just my fault in a way.

 

Note: I am not talking here about the way I insulted her in the end - that's obviously unacceptable.

 

Anyways you probably still disagree with me here.

 

Well a girl is what she is too and dumping you was her response to the way you spoke to her. That tells you all you need to know.

 

Yes a little light sarcasm is fine but when it is directed to the person to whom you are talking or it's intent is to make them feel bad then, yes, that is harsh ... and she told you so ... and NO, NO, NO girls do NOT love that!!!!!

 

Yes it is 100% your fault. Your intent was to make her feel bad ... and she did ... and she didn't like it.

 

If you think it is fine to do so then carry on but don't be surprised if your next thread is entitled exactly the same!

 

Honestly, why on earth do you think girls/women want to be made to feel bad? Or are you just describing things in a very bad way?

[childintime]

The thing is....this is your personality....and she doesn't find you amusing. Time to fin someone who shares your sense of adolescent humor.

 

She in fact found me amusing I think, otherwise she wouldn't spent 4+ hours everyday for a month with me hanging out and having a really great time. I am not stupid, I can see her psychology - most of the time she found that funny. Yes sometimes it's over the top, but usually it's fine.

 

Maybe she left me because she found another boy, who knows.

[mhowe]

Maybe you should spend less time focusing on her personality and more time figuring out where the line between amusing and irritating is located.

[childintime]

Well a girl is what she is too and dumping you was her response to the way you spoke to her. That tells you all you need to know.

 

Yes a little light sarcasm is fine but when it is directed to the person to whom you are talking or it's intent is to make them feel bad then, yes, that is harsh ... and she told you so ... and NO, NO, NO girls do NOT love that!!!!!

 

Yes it is 100% your fault. Your intent was to make her feel bad ... and she did ... and she didn't like it.

 

If you think it is fine to do so then carry on but don't be surprised if your next thread is entitled exactly the same!

 

Honestly, why on earth do you think girls/women want to be made to feel bad? Or are you just describing things in a very bad way?

 

I don't want girls to feel bad, but some little negative sarcasm makes things funny, and her positive emotions (due to it being funny) are usually are stronger than the negative emotions. That's the whole point. It does not make them feel bad in the end.

 

I am 95% positive that she almost always found my humor positive, otherwise she wouldn't be hanging out with me every day so enthusiastically. She said she loves my humor.

 

It's just that last thing which really struck her in my opinion. And even then, when we went home after I said that to her, she really was happy and funny, etc. Not sad at all after I apologized. But maybe she talked about that to her friends or relatives and they said that I am very bad person for saying that and she should leave me, and then she decided that it's true and decided she does not like me anymore.

 

I am not expert, but I kind of feel that's the reason she left me.

[ParisPaulette]

Oh wow, you poor guy! You sound like a normal, attractive guy that all the ladies will love. Provided you keep your mouth duct-taped shut. Added bonus, you'll shed a few pounds and I'm sure that can't hurt either.

 

So I was just sarcastically funny there. I made a joke at your expense and insulted you, but I"m not trying to be mean. Just funny.

 

Are you laughing yet? No? Well, that's probably how she felt then. Think about it. Mean humor is only funny to those it's not directed at.

Also she pointed out to you that you'd insulted her before by way of "jokes" so the whole "shut up" thing was just the last straw. She gave you a try and you blew it.

 

Maybe it's time to start asking yourself why you feel a passive-aggressive need to put others down then pass it off as "jokes" is there in the first place instead of paying compliments and talking with and being nice to someone you claim to like. It might get you a whole lot farther in life.

 

And no, I didn't really mean to insult you. I'm just trying to get you to see that negative sarcasm isn't funny to the person it's directed at.

[childintime]

I never said saying "shut up" was funny. I meant it to be a joke, but I clearly see it was very harsh and impolite. But that's the only time I did that to her. All other times it was very light stuff, barely enough to get her insulted in any way, I don't think it really made much difference, all what really struck her was that last time.

 

But your example about "fat" makes sense, maybe it's too much for some people to handle, I agree.

 

I admitted from the beginning it's almost certainly my fault. I was just asking if it's possible to recover situation considering I didn't mean anything bad to her.

 

"I've been in her shoes, you aren't likely going to get a second chance since she already gave you several to begin with."

 

I don't think so to be honest, I never insulted her to the level where she was clearly upset, she was always happy and funny with me. I can see with her face easily when she is upset, she is not kind of girl who hides it. Thus I don't see like she ever have me 2nd chance of it was even needed.

[Birdie]

From the point of view of a girl who dated someone who thought they were hilarious and made jokes at my expense…it was horrible. Did I keep talking to him and chasing after him? Of course, because it got to a point where all his little comments ate away at my self-esteem and I couldn't even handle being by myself. If I was so horrible, I had to cling to this one guy who could put up with me because no one else would ever be able to stand me. And sure enough, when he broke it off I was left absolutely hating myself and with an eating disorder because I was so "fat" according to him (I wasn't fat at all when I met him, but that didn't matter). It took months of therapy and medications for to me find and love myself again.

 

There is a very fine line between being "funny" and abusive. The humour girls find the most attractive is when guys can laugh at themselves, not being put down. I'm in a wonderful relationship now with a hilarious guy and I can't think of one instance when he made me feel bad about myself to get a laugh. Putting down your partner is not ok, period.

[faraday]

Maybe because you are a {person}, and you think this way, but it's not that harsh to say little sarcasm here and there. I talked to a lot of {people}, some take it easy some not, but to say that I will always have a problem if I behave this way I think it's nonsensical. Most {people} never get mad at me for that, and usually laugh at it. Some {people} even LOVE that. What I am trying to say that she is in fact really sensitive person in that regard, and maybe it's not just my fault in a way.

 

Note: I am not talking here about the way I insulted her in the end - that's obviously unacceptable.

 

Anyways you probably still disagree with me here.

 

FIFY

 

It's not a gender thing, but a personality thing.

 

Some people are not politically correct...and some people are very dry. I fall into this category...and I have needed to learn to filter with work...and especially with people I don't know....because my sense of humour is mean. I say things with a straight face...and people don't realize I'm joking unless they know me...and if someone thinks I'm serious...oh, god, do I sound like the meanest, most horrible person ever....and I NEVER mean it that way. People that don't "get" my sense of humour will tell me...that I'm just insensitive or a b**ch...or horrible. So...Filter. Filter. Filter...and even still...sometimes...you'll offend people. I really choose carefully who I am my true self around...it takes several months or years to know someone...I'm finally just showing my bf my sense of humour...8 months in. He thinks I'm funny...but he also has a bit of history with me to know what I'm really about.

 

I think you have to let this girl go. Move slower with the next one.

[Tanzi]

If she found your humour amusing she wouldn't have told you your words were too harsh and ended the relationship. As I've said before .... it's as simple as that and as simple as you yourself entitled your thread.

 

As we've established, your last comment was just the tip of the iceberg.

 

If she can smile and be happy around you just before dumping you then this shows she is capable of putting on a "pleasant" front while inside she's feeling far from pleasant.

 

I'm just repeating myself now. You obviously still think that girls respond well to "negative sarcasm" (despite the fact that the women on this thread have told you otherwise) and it also seems that you've convinced yourself that ANYone else is to blame other than yourseld .... so carry on doing what you think is best .... but don't be surprised if most girls think you're a rude, insensitive, immature little boy who still uses playground tactics to get a girl's attention because he has no idea how to treat a lady.

[wondering731]

It's more important to learn from it. Almost guaranteed she's not coming back. From my experience, you got off lucky.

An ex close friend/somewhat of a boss of mine used to make fun of me and joke with me all the time. I have a coarse personality which I recently tamed significantly, but I made fun of her back several times... Went through a couple of months of silence from her to only be invited to events in which I get the silence treatment too. She doesnt allow me to refuse them either. Its like getting stabbed in the chest every day.

More important to have a clean start and learn from your past mistakes.

[Ms Darcy]

If she found your humour amusing she wouldn't have told you your words were too harsh and ended the relationship.

 

If she can smile and be happy around you just before dumping you then this shows she is capable of putting on a "pleasant" front while inside she's feeling far from pleasant.

 

I agree with these two points.

 

I'd agree with others also that I personally wouldn't give you another shot. It was only a month. I'd advise you not to invest so much time so early on.

good luck.

[childintime]

How do you treat a lady then? I mean if I say 30 good things about her, and then 1 sarcastic joke (nothing too serious), am I THAT BAD at treating a lady?

 

You guys seem to get completely incorrect picture, you think as I am some kind of insult machine. But whatever, there is not point in arguing over that anyways. Probably she left me because I insulted her, and I definitely learned my mistake.

 

That said, it's not guaranteed that that's the reason she left me. Maybe she met another guy, maybe she just got bored of me, only she knows the truth, so no point in discussing this.

 

 

 

Then let me ask you, when do girls give guys another shot then? As I said before, it's not like I cheated on her or lied or where not honest in any way, etc. I mean it's probably one of the least bad things you can do (unintentionally insult person), at least how I see it.

 

And about investing.. Well I really enjoyed spending every minute with her, and so did she, so I see no reason to limit ourselves.

[Tanzi]

How do you treat a lady then? I mean if I say 30 good things about her, and then 1 sarcastic joke (nothing too serious), am I THAT BAD at treating a lady?

 

You guys seem to get completely incorrect picture, you think as I am some kind of insult machine. But whatever, there is not point in arguing over that anyways. Probably she left me because I insulted her, and I definitely learned my mistake.

 

That said, it's not guaranteed that that's the reason she left me. Maybe she met another guy, maybe she just got bored of me, only she knows the truth, so no point in discussing this.

 

Maybe it is the way you have described things to us. You called them "insults" and "negative sarcasm". You described them as being things you said to make "her feel a bit bad about herself". OK, maybe it DOES depend on how you say some things .... to a degree. For example if she comments on her weight by saying "gosh I look fat" (which, lets face it, girls do all the time because the are fishing for compliments) and you say "Oh yes, you're clearly very fat" with a twinkle in your eye and a mischievous grin on your face (indicating you are not in agreement with her) it may be taken much more lightly than if you just blatantly or randomly blurt out "you're fat" and then add "just joking". So, IDK, maybe you aren't making yourself clear to us but, nevertheless, you actually said she wasn't a fan of these comment but would have a wide grin on her face. Have you ever heard the expression "grinning through your teeth?" or "grinning through gritted teeth?" ......

 

You treat a lady with the respect she deserves, plus some. Yes, you can joke with her but you do not insult her or take cheap shots at her. Whilst she might know you don't mean these things, if your comments make her feel even remotely bad about herself or to start questioning something about herself, then you will come off as a complete kn*b! So joke yes, but don't insult. Don't assume that because you've made 30 positive comments, you need to throw a negative one in. If you are really talking real proper insults here with a negative intent, just don't do it!

 

And you know she left you because you insulted her, she told you so.

 

Then let me ask you, when do girls give guys another shot then? As I said before, it's not like I cheated on her or lied or where not honest in any way, etc. I mean it's probably one of the least bad things you can do (unintentionally insult person), at least how I see it.

 

And about investing.. Well I really enjoyed spending every minute with her, and so did she, so I see no reason to limit ourselves.

 

Oh lawd, did you really not read any of the above? I will say this once more, it doesn't matter that you DIDN'T lie or you DIDN'T cheat, if she doesn't like how you speak to her then she doesn't have to put up with it. It probably caused her to be less attracted to you over time.

 

As for girls giving other guys a shot ... well, all circumstances are different and can't be compared. For instance, I took my ex-husband back after he cheated on me the first time because we had children together and I felt it was worth trying to make things work for their sake. For a second thing, I loved him and had already invested 6 years into a marriage. There are many other reasons why girls (and guys) might take someone back who has cheated, lied and even abused them but that has nothing to do with your situation. This girl had an insight as to how things might be with you, saw a red flag and decided to skidaddle.

 

You are now suggesting you unintentionally insulted her whereas before you have admitted to intentionally insulting her and making her feel bad. So which is it? Either way, don't think for one moment that continuing to insult someone isn't damaging in any way. Even if it just one insult out of 30 nice comments!

 

I had an ex who had a very sarcastic sense of humour and yes, he could be very funny. However, when that sarcasm was directed at people it wasn't quite so funny ... and when he started directing it to me, it became very, very unfunny. Admittedly, to start off with, I didn't mind him ribbing me a little but eventually he started to rib me about everything I did for the sake of a cheap shot ... my cooking, my driving, the clothes I wore ... even my "muffin tops" so, well, lets just say after just 3 months together I kicked him to the kerb and boy did I enjoy doing so!

 

Anyway, the way I see it, is she isn't limiting herself. If she were, she would be staying with a guy who had a rather immature sense of humour. Instead she is opening herself up to meet someone she feels is more appropriate for her.

[childintime]

I would definitely say something like in your example which is quite light. I would never straight up say "you are fat" even with a smile. More likely after "gosh I look fat" I would say "yeah I like fat girls as well" with a smile. That kind of stuff I would throw away at her from time to time, do you think that sounds insulting, or makes her feel bad about herself? If yes, then you girls are so so sensitive.

 

 

 

Well she is not going to come and say "Sorry, I found another guy who is better than you so we are done". I mean when a girl is mad/disappointed at a guy she tries to find ANY reason to make an argument. That next day after my I said "shut up", she showed me on Facebook a guy who was hitting on her and inviting her to his place. I then jokingly asked "Are you coming with him?" And she again became mad at me and said "why you so mean?". I mean, what answer did she expect from me? If she told him "Sorry I have a boyfriend" I would not need to joke about anything, but she didn't answer him. She was baiting me to say something "bad" so she can have argument with me. Why she did that it's another question, who knows, maybe because I was too harsh for her in the first place, but maybe not.

 

 

 

So it's still possible she will come back?

 

 

 

Imagine you are talking non-stop for an hour, while I am trying to be romantic with you, I then tell you "can you please stop talking for a little?". You still won't. Then I tell "can you please shut the f&*k up for a minute?" with a big smile. I know it's super harsh and I didn't intent to insult her whatsoever. I just wanted to make an exaggerated point, that's it. But as you said, my intentions do not matter than much, all what matters if what the person felt, and she felt really bad.

[Tanzi]

I would definitely say something like in your example which is quite light. I would never straight up say "you are fat" even with a smile. More likely after "gosh I look fat" I would say "yeah I like fat girls as well" with a smile. That kind of stuff I would throw away at her from time to time, do you think that sounds insulting, or makes her feel bad about herself? If yes, then you girls are so so sensitive.

 

To be honest I personally wouldn't have taken that as an insult. A tad immature maybe ... but just like we referred to the "shut-up" incident as being the tip of the iceberg, I'm sure there were many more icicles underneath.

 

Maybe this is actually about her being too insensitive and, if that be the case, then it seems you both have a little bit of emotional maturing to do before a relationship with each other would work. All in all you sound incompatible.

 

Well she is not going to come and say "Sorry, I found another guy who is better than you so we are done". I mean when a girl is mad/disappointed at a guy she tries to find ANY reason to make an argument. That next day after my I said "shut up", she showed me on Facebook a guy who was hitting on her and inviting her to his place. I then jokingly asked "Are you coming with him?" And she again became mad at me and said "why you so mean?". I mean, what answer did she expect from me? If she told him "Sorry I have a boyfriend" I would not need to joke about anything, but she didn't answer him. She was baiting me to say something "bad" so she can have argument with me. Why she did that it's another question, who knows, maybe because I was too harsh for her in the first place, but maybe not.

 

I don't think there is any need to make any assumptions here to let yourself off the hook. Just accept that you weren't a great match after all.

 

When girls (women even) say things like this it is to get a reaction because your reaction says a lot about how you feel about them. She was probably trying to see if you were jealous ... and this is most likely because she was becoming confused as to how you felt about her. Immature on her part? I would say so, but as I said above, it seems that some emotional maturing is needed on both your parts.

 

Maybe she was beginning to like the other guy and she was giving you one last opportunity to come through and make her feel really special.

 

To be honest, it sounds as though there was just a complete break-down in communication by this point.

 

So it's still possible she will come back?

 

Whether she is fully justified or not, she has her reasons to think you are mean. Maybe you are mean, maybe you aren't. Maybe she just doesn't get your sense of humour. Whatever, I think it is unlikely that she will come back though.

 

Never say never, however. All you can do is try to start afresh with being friends around campus and take it from there ... but I suspect it would take some time and, by then, it is likely you would have moved on yourself .... with it only being a month an' all.

 

Imagine you are talking non-stop for an hour, while I am trying to be romantic with you, I then tell you "can you please stop talking for a little?". You still won't. Then I tell "can you please shut the f&*k up for a minute?" with a big smile. I know it's super harsh and I didn't intent to insult her whatsoever. I just wanted to make an exaggerated point, that's it. But as you said, my intentions do not matter than much, all what matters if what the person felt, and she felt really bad.

 

Was she really talking for a whole hour though? .... Non-stop? .... Without you joining in at all or interacting with her at all? Whatever, if someone told me to "shut the f*ck up" I would get up and walk right away. Even if you had tried to say it in a funny way it would, at the very least, come accross as being patronising. However it was intended, I would most definitely say this killed things between you!

[childintime]

Thanks for good comments a-little-blue. The only thing I really regret is saying those words to her that day, other than that I think I was always nice to her.

 

Do you think a time is my friend here? What I mean, if I don't contact her now at all, but contact her in several weeks, will it have higher chances for something to workout as opposed to if I would contact her now?

 

She is also leaving the country for a week soon, and was always asking me if I will be missing her when she arrives and if I will meet her. Not that it really matters now