Guy Playing Hard To Get

[pash3]

I recently started talking to this guy online. We spoke to each intensively for about a week, they were long emails to and fro and wondered why he hadn't asked to meet up yet.

 

One day he asked me and we arranged to meet up last Tuesday. I've been on about 5 other first dates and they didn't go anywhere, a couple fizzled out, a couple I were into but they didn't feel the same and a couple I didn't like but they wanted to see me again.

 

I felt it was different with this guy. It felt like we both got on, genuinely cared about what each other had to say and could have a laugh with each other. I felt really nervous at the beginning of the date which was weird because I was fairly calm on all my other dates. It must be because I quite like him and wanted the date to go well.

 

We met up half way, we barhopped all night, sharing a platter at one of them. We talked, we laughed and by the end of the night we were making out.

 

From the beginning of the date he said there was a foam party in his town on Sunday (yesterday) and kept asking and asking for me to come down and party with him. He said it would be fun to go out clubbing with me and would be a great ice breaker. I kept saying no because I hardly know him, what would I do stay at his place? Even though he said he'd take the sofa.

 

Towards the end of the night, he stopped asking and accepted that I didn't want to go to this foam party, (it would've been fun if I'd known him a little longer/better). He then moved on to asking me over to his place on the Friday instead (Friday just gone). He said he'd cook for me, share a bottle of wine and we could watch a film and asked me if I'd liked that, I said yes but hadn't actually thought about whether that would've been wise.

 

When we were leaving each other at the platform, he asked me how I thought the date went. I said I think it went well and I'd like to see him again. He said he felt the same, hugged me and asked me to let him know when I got home. I did text him, and he said "Now you can be honest, how do you really think it went?" I said I'd already told him and he proceeded to talk about Friday and how that's a possibility if I'm still up for doing it. I said I'm not sure if it's wise even though I'd love to, no funny business. He said that he couldn't promise that, but he likes to go with the flow and it feels natural for something to happen then it won't stop him from making a move. He said he enjoys the intimacy of cooking for someone and would like to see me again.

 

We'd been talking to each other every day after the date until Thursday when he asked me about whether I was still up for Friday, I was honest with him and said couldn't we do something else. He said "Well if you want to meet up half way again, I'm fine with that." and insisted that he didn't want me to feel uncomfortable about anything. I said to him to let me know because friends have already organised going out on Friday but I'd rather see him. He said that I should go meet my friends as it would give him time to think of something else to do.

 

So Friday came, I went out with friends and I hadn't had a single text from him. Being a bit tipsy I decided to text him. His texts had turned from long inquisitive one's to short. He was being friendly at first but asked me to come over saying it's not too late to come now. It turned into a weird mean/flirty thing and ending up with him him falling asleep and me sending him the last text.

 

I was then out with work colleagues on Saturday after work, dinner and then drinks. I was posting lots of Instagram photos during the night. He liked one of them, just a photo of me before going out. I decided to call him up on it. This is how the text conversation went:

 

Me: Why are you liking my Instagram photos and not texting me? x

 

Him: Was a nice picture. x

 

Me: You're a man of very few words of late. x

 

Him: Come to ______ after your work night out...? x

 

Me: I'm working tomorrow! x

 

Him: Yeah it's fine to work, you'll get 8 hours sleep x

 

Me: You just want a booty call. x

 

Him: No I want to see you again, that would be a bonus x

 

Me: You haven't been very expressive of the last few days. x

 

Him: I'm playing hard to get maybe! Well offer is there if you wanna come over x

 

Me: Are you really? I was thinking you were totally off me. x

 

Him: Come over and see for yourself x

 

Me: Oh really? Don't think it's wise tonight though. x

 

Him: Sure it is. x

 

Me: I don't think so. I seen your stubborn side though, it's pretty stubborn. x

 

Him: Ok, well if you change your mind let me know. x

 

Me: I was gonna ask you a question actually. x

 

Him: Ok...? x

 

Me: Do you know of any handsome Italian men who are good kissers that would be free this coming Tuesday? I'm struggling to think of one... x

 

Him: My cousin ______ might, I'll text him and ask. I know of one that's free tonight x

 

Me: Oh really, what's he like? I need to hire them for this Tuesday though. x

 

Him: Yeh he's alright. I'm working Tuesday till late I'm afraid. Also Wednesday and Thursday. And Monday too! So tonight would be a good option. x

 

Him: I can drive you home in the morning. x

 

Me: What about Friday? x

 

Him: Friday might be possible but depends if I'm needed at work. x

 

Me: You're playing pretty hard to get. x

 

Him: Just bad timing this week. Tonight is possible though. x

 

Me: I can't do tonight and would seem too much like a booty call. x

 

Him: You can do tonight, trains are very frequent to ________ and I'll drive you home tomorrow. x

 

Me: Why are you so keen? x

 

Him: Would be nice to cuddle up with you on this colder night x

 

Me: Maybe. But that's a development. Do you do that with every girl you meet? x

 

Him: No I don't, just felt nice with you on our date and seems natural. Offer is there, I don't want to force you x

 

Me: Well a "sleep over" is a progression. Can we not do that when we're both next available? Not a sleepover. But all the other stuff. x

 

Him: Progression that feels like a right idea. I can't 100% commit to next weekend and I'm working late every night next week. So can't say when the next chance is x

 

Me: You should keep Friday free if possible. I finish at 4pm which is perfect timing. x

 

Him: Can't promise. Seeing as you're not here I'm off to sleep now. x

 

Me: Playing hard to get is not the way to keep me interested Have a nice sleep. x

 

 

I'm really confused. My head was saying "be suspicious" and my heart was saying "go for it". It doesn't help that I haven't had sex for 6 months! I'm not hesitant about the sex part, I just don't want sex to ruin any potential for this to turn into something. I can't stand the thought of being thought of as a f**kbuddy/friends with benefits. I'm not looking for a full blown, fall in deep straight away relationship but I am looking for something with a bit of substance than just casual. He said he's been on 10 first dates and hasn't gone anywhere, he has also said that the girls that he's slept with have then ignored him afterwards. He said he's felt used but he knows that with me, I wouldn't ignore him.

 

To me, I do think he wants more than sex with me. His keenness may come accross as "he just want's sex" but I actually think he's more insecure. He is a little bit overweight and when I complimented that he looked better in person than in photos he couldn't accept the compliment which makes me think that he wants to get sex out of the way. He doesn't know if we did sleep together whether I'd walk away or not so getting the sex out of the way he can relax and get to know me better. Does this sound like a reasonable analysis?

 

Now that I've given you the background. How the hell do I get us talking again like we used to? And how do I show him that I want to see him again as soon as possible (i.e. on the weekend). This is the second day of no texting, any advice on how to deal with a somewhat insecure guy playing hard to get? I'm too old for game playing...

[Rosti87]

This may be his 'real' attitude. He may be a homebody that doesn't do much or talk much as a rule. Probably works, hangs out with his buddies, drinks and does the nasty.

 

Sounds like he is more interested in getting in your pants than getting to know you. I would think long and hard about what type of relationship you want with this guy. I think what you see is what you are going to get going forward.

[missmarple]

First of all, men don't play hard to get. When they like a girl, they like her period. Second, he doesn't sound insecure to me. At all. To be honest, he sounds like a jerk. The guy showed you his true colours from the beginning. He wanted to get you to his house...and no, 'getting the sex out of the way so he can relax and get to know you better' is not how men think. All the signs are there that all he's interested in is a booty call...I'm not sure why you don't see them..or choose not to see them.

[annie24]

yeah, obviously a booty call.... fine if that's all you want.

[Cherry009]

Wow can you not see that this guy just wants sex?? He is not respecting what you want and keeps pestering you to go over to his. The text convo you showed us on here is just cringy, sorry dont mean to sound harsh but if you want something more than just sex then move on and forget this guy!!!

[amipushy]

If anyone is playing hard to get its you. He certainly isnt playing anything. He is pestering you for sex because its all he wants.

 

If you dont give him what he wants, and soon, then he will disappear. In fact, his lack of texts/calls shows that he already losing interest.

 

Move on or be a booty call. Up to you.

[Batya33]

He is not playing hard to get. He wants to get together only if there is hooking up/sex involved at his place. You don't want to do that so instead of telling you outright that you and he want different things he's persisting to see if you'll come around to his point of view.

 

As an aside I'd limit the typing back and forth with someone you just met and I'd definitely avoid airing baggage/negative attitudes if you feel the person is someone you might want to get to know better. The comment like "do you do that with every girl" comes accross way too suspicious/defensive on your part as if you've been used before -not an impression you want to make. If you feel like someone is not on the same wavelength as you it's fine to end contact but why show a cynical/jaded side to a near-stranger?

[mhowe]

He may be hard....but he isn't playing. He couldn't be more direct.

[notalady]

Agree with everyone else, he's blatantly clear that he just wants sex and the lack of texting after you refused to go to the foam party (which will result in you staying over at his place and he will definitely make a move on you), indicated that he lost interest after realising you are not going to be an easy lay.

 

His constant pestering for you to come over that night, and refuse to offer any other days that he could meet up with you, again clearly says he just wanted sex, that night, and was pretty much making you choose between that, or nothing at all. Someone who wants to get to know you as a person would have been happy to meet you in a non-sexual context, to go on a proper date, he is not doing that and made it quite clear that he won't.

 

Trust your instinct and drop this guy.

 

P.S. The guy's mannerism through the convo resembles a guy I met years and years ago, he was a player and was also "stubborn", "persistent" whatever you want to call it, in trying to get into my pants. There's nothing unclear about what he wants.

[reinventmyself]

Read my first post here. . 'call him or move on'.

Just went through something similar and received some great feedback.

You keep trying to get the conversation to go in a linear fashion, moving forward, baby steps and getting to know this guy and his response is clearly circular, constantly redirecting it back to sex.

You have made yourself clear about your expectations and he is making himself clear about wanting to have sex.

A man who's truly interested in getting to know doesn't behave this way. . .It's disrespectful.

Don't waste anymore time on this one. . !

[greta96]

Nothing confusing about this, and he is not playing hard to get, he just clearly wants just a hookup and tried to convince you any way he could think of to come for a booty call. He even pulled the "take advantage of tonight or else who knows when you'll get to see me again" crap, which is a tactic most players use in order to scare the women into thinking "oh no, if I don't go now I'll lose my chance to be with this guy".

 

You clearly don't want casual sex, and this is all you'd get with this guy. By giving him what he wants you won't turn things into a relationship, you will just get used after which he'll move on to the next online hookup. He's a jerk who made it clear what he wants...up to you if you want to listen and believe. Actually I think you went back and forth with him too much in a conversation that you should have ended right after he made his intentions clear.

 

I would cut the jerk off and go find another guy who may actually want to have a relationship with you and not pressure you into sex. Ew.

[reinventmyself]

My head was saying "be suspicious" and my heart was saying "go for it".

 

This is typical. We need to recognize what it driving us. Classic case of your `emotional brain' overriding your `rational brain'

 

(I wrestle with this all the time)

[weathergirl]

Wow can you not see that this guy just wants sex?? He is not respecting what you want and keeps pestering you to go over to his. The text convo you showed us on here is just cringy, sorry dont mean to sound harsh but if you want something more than just sex then move on and forget this guy!!!

 

I know seriously. It's SO friggin obvious that's all he wants.... Don't get how you can't see it OP. Or maybe you don't want to see it because you like him. Not sure why though...the guy sounds like a bonafide a-hole.

[weathergirl]

Nothing confusing about this, and he is not playing hard to get, he just clearly wants just a hookup and tried to convince you any way he could think of to come for a booty call. He even pulled the "take advantage of tonight or else who knows when you'll get to see me again" crap, which is a tactic most players use in order to scare the women into thinking "oh no, if I don't go now I'll lose my chance to be with this guy".

 

.

 

OMG Greta, that is SOOOOOO true!!! I have run into a few of those types also! Ew is right!

[eskimobobseal]

Here's some perspective from the male side.

 

This guy is an idiot. In my opinion, one of the most disrespectful things you could do to a woman is 1. Make her feel uncomfortable, and 2. Keep pushing for sex over and over again when it was already made clear that the woman is not ready for that YET. This is what drives me insane about my fellow men, they keep trying to get women in bed as quick as possible, but all their pestering just leads to even LESS of a chance of sex - and a probable end to whatever relationship was budding due to awkwardness/distrust. Its stupid, and to me, any guy that actually cares about forming a meaningful bond with a woman wouldn't do what this guy is doing.

 

He wants to bang more than he wants to get to know you as a person.

[blueidealist24]

I didn't have to read the whole thing before I immediately spotted a red flag.. he said he couldn't promise there would be no funny business. He doesn't respect you enough to promise not to make a sexual move when it's obvious that you're uncomfortable with that at this stage. He said he likes to do what feels natural.. which means that if it feels natural for him to pressure you, even if you've said you're not cool with it, he'll do it anyway.

[weathergirl]

I didn't have to read the whole thing before I immediately spotted a red flag.. he said he couldn't promise there would be no funny business. He doesn't respect you enough to promise not to make a sexual move when it's obvious that you're uncomfortable with that at this stage. He said he likes to do what feels natural.. which means that if it feels natural for him to pressure you, even if you've said you're not cool with it, he'll do it anyway.

 

Even worse... what if it feels natural and comfortable for him to sexually assault you against your wishes? Given what you just wrote about him, I wouldn't put it past him.

[weathergirl]

Why do women go for guys like this? Would someone please explain? pash (the OP), would you explain what you find so appealing about this bozo?

 

I will never understand....

[SoulTaker]

My head was saying "be suspicious" and my heart was saying "go for it".

 

This is typical. We need to recognize what it driving us. Classic case of your `emotional brain' overriding your `rational brain'

 

(I wrestle with this all the time)

 

These type of men are very good at sizing up women, and knowing which ones they can manipulate and control. That is their priority on a first date. The fact that the OP has put up with his attack for so long (instead of quickly nipping it in the bud) means that he came close to have chosen (correctly).

 

The question at this point is why she's allowed this to continue for so long.

[Sedrick]

To me, I do think he wants more than sex with me. His keenness may come accross as "he just want's sex" but I actually think he's more insecure. He is a little bit overweight and when I complimented that he looked better in person than in photos he couldn't accept the compliment which makes me think that he wants to get sex out of the way. He doesn't know if we did sleep together whether I'd walk away or not so getting the sex out of the way he can relax and get to know me better. Does this sound like a reasonable analysis?

 

No, it's not a reasonable analysis at all.

 

When it comes to judgement of character you get an F.

[bronte]

I don't want you to feel ganged up on, but I absolutely agree that it was a giant red flag when you said "no funny business" and he said he couldn't make any promises. And then pressuring you to come over to his house instead of immediately agreeing to schedule a second date somewhere where you'd feel more comfortable...even if we accept your theory that he's insecure, he needs to learn that this approach is NOT okay and will lead to women thinking he's only after one thing. If he does want more than sex with you, he should show you that by agreeing to go on a second date to a restaurant or a movie or something. And by contacting you without you having to come up with an excuse to contact him like the Instagram pictures...

[notalady]

These type of men are very good at sizing up women, and knowing which ones they can manipulate and control. That is their priority on a first date. The fact that the OP has put up with his attack for so long (instead of quickly nipping it in the bud) means that he came close to have chosen (correctly).

 

The question at this point is why she's allowed this to continue for so long.

 

Agree with this.

 

OP you engaged with him in this conversation for way too long, on both occasions, rather than just shutting it down straight away, which suggests to him that there is hope for him to persuade you into sleeping with him, with the fear (negative incentive) that you'll never see him again if you don't sleep with him, and you'll always be wondering about the "what if", and of course, you don't want that, you see potential for there to be more. It almost worked too, if you had that little bit more self-doubt and less insistant on your principles (good on you sticking to it).

 

Of course the irony is that if you do sleep with him, you'll never see him again either.

 

To avoid men like this, and to learn from the experience, in future scenarios like the one where he suggest you go to the foam party and stay at his place after, and you said no you are not comfortable with that, he then continued insisting on it, you stop talking to him all together. Do not give him more opportunity to try and change your mind. If it was me, I would have dropped him right away when he suggested staying over at his place - no man who is serious about pursuing a relationship with you will do that, no exceptions. That's the rule. If you stick to that rule, you can't go wrong (well, less likely to go wrong).

 

In the second scenario, well, where should I begin. Not to be harsh but throughout the conversation you shared, you come accross as weak and in his eyes, is a perfect "prey". Firstly you made the mistake of texting him about him liking your photo, which you shouldn't have after his previous attempt to get you to stay over then subsequently stopped being communicative as he failed and had lost interest. By texting him you are giving him another go at trying to sleep with you. Which he did. You then point out he wanted a booty call, and wanting reassurance of his interest in you by asking questions about his lack of communication and saying stuff like "Are you really? I was thinking you were totally off me. x". Effectively giving him the opportunity to lie to you and get you to come over. He could have easily sweet talked you into going over there by assuring you of his interest, but not all players operate like that, this guy is more direct in his approach.

 

Again you should have shut down the conversation the minute he suggested you go over to his place, but instead, you continued engaging in the conversation, and gave him more opportunity to convince you to come over.

 

So hope you have learned a lesson there and know what to do next time you come accross a guy like that.

[SilentG]

Definitely only after one thing. If he likes you and wants to take things further with you, he would leaping fences to take you out and make plans with you. Even if he is busy on all the days he says he is, there is no further offer of when he might be free in the future either.

I would be wary of this guy. If he only wants to make plans which involve you coming to his, that's not cool.

[Rosti87]

At the risk of getting attacked myself, I think the OP probably gets the point now. Sometimes I think we may be too harsh when we advise. I find this thread has gotten a bit rough toward the OP.

[SoulTaker]

At the risk of getting attacked myself, I think the OP probably gets the point now. Sometimes I think we may be too harsh when we advise. I find this thread has gotten a bit rough toward the OP.

 

R87, there are some threads where there is "tough love", but I don't see it in this thread. The responses for the most part have been "matter of fact", and informative for the OP in explaining what this guy is trying to accomplish.