We're together constantly, but we never SEE each other

[chewy21]

The last thread I posted was about starting a relationship with the girl I'm currently dating. It's going great so far, except for one thing: We never see each other.

 

This needs clarification. We work together, so we see each other all the time, but it's in a coworker capacity. We've done really well keeping our personal and work lives separate, so in that aspect I'm really proud of us. And usually after work, we hop on Skype and play video games together. This happens almost every day, and sometimes we even end up sleeping with our headsets on so we can hear each other breathe while we sleep. It's different, but oddly comforting, and I really like it.

 

So I see her at work, and we're on Skype all night after that. I call her in the morning to make sure she's awake before work. But aside from the occasional dinner date on the weekends, I never get to actually physically be with her outside of work.

 

I don't think she's averse to it or anything, because she's seemed to really enjoy the few times we've actually hung out at either her place or mine. I'm just not sure what else it could be.

 

The past few times we've hung out physically together, I've come up with something cool to do, or some reason to come over, or for her to come over. Last Friday we did a "fast-food buffet" where we ordered one item from several different drive-thru places, got back to her place and set a table like a really fattening (but delicious) buffet. I have a friend who has a pretty nice house in town, so we've gone over there several times when he decides to grill in his backyard. A few weeks ago she was sick, so I bought her some soup, cough drops, and orange juice and stayed with her for a few hours while we watched some tv shows on netflix.

 

So tonight we were supposed to go over to my friend's house again for some grilling and card games. Turns out he and his wife have a birthday party to go to later this evening and they had to cancel. I figured, that's okay, she and I can still hang out and find something else to do. But after I told her they cancelled, she said she wanted to play this video game we've been playing lately.

 

I'm fine with that. Actually, one of the reasons I started liking her in the first place was because we both enjoy games so much. But I feel like the weekends are time we should spend together physically, since we can't do that at work or on Skype. We've gotten to know each other really well recently, but we still haven't done things like hold hands, cuddle on the couch, or kiss. It feels like the physical aspects like that are lagging behind. I guess maybe that's just the nature of the relationship we have. Still, I'd like to do those things when we have the opportunity, like on the weekends, but it's almost like she'd rather just do things on Skype and play games.

 

I'm just at a loss. I want to explain to her that I enjoy seeing her in person and away from work when we can, but I don't want that to end up being the reason we hang out. It'd almost feel like I was guilting her into it. I want her to want to hang out like that.

 

Any advice?

[chewy21]

Small update: A few weeks ago we both had a craving for Key Lime Pie. We looked up the recipe, saw that it was super easy to make, and agreed that we need to make one sometime.

 

So I texted her, saying that's what we should do tonight. We could go get the ingredients together, make it, then watch a movie while we eat it.

 

Her response: "But [video game we've been playing]..."

 

Not sure how to respond to that.

[bronte]

I think you're right to be concerned, but there are a lot of things that could be going on. I understand the whole "I want you to WANT to do this" aspect of things, but I think you're going to have to talk to her to really know what she's thinking. I would respond to the latest text with something like "[Video game] is fun but I was really looking forward to seeing you in person," and see what she says. Your expectations definitely sound reasonable to me and I think most girls would jump at the key lime pie date idea. Could she be depressed? That can sometimes lead to reluctance to get out and do things...

[Batya33]

She likes the video game more than she likes spending time with you.

[chewy21]

I think you're right to be concerned, but there are a lot of things that could be going on. I understand the whole "I want you to WANT to do this" aspect of things, but I think you're going to have to talk to her to really know what she's thinking. I would respond to the latest text with something like "[Video game] is fun but I was really looking forward to seeing you in person," and see what she says. Your expectations definitely sound reasonable to me and I think most girls would jump at the key lime pie date idea. Could she be depressed? That can sometimes lead to reluctance to get out and do things...

 

I don't think depression is the cause. I was engaged to someone who suffered from depression, and she doesn't really exhibit any of those signs. Besides, the pie-thing would probably be at her place, so she wouldn't have to go anywhere anyway. And besides, we were going over to my friend's house tonight, so she had plans to get out of the house already.

 

But you're right, I probably need to tell her how I feel and ask her what's going on, as much as I'm afraid of pressuring her into something she might not wanna do.

 

Thanks, bronte.

[chewy21]

She likes the video game more than she likes spending time with you.

 

Yep. Thanks.

[SpottiOtti]

Eh, I think you've just both fallen into a pattern of behavior. I don't think it means she likes the game more than you. Although I understand those video game thingies can be quite addictive.

 

I think it's a great idea to talk to her about this when you two are actually spending time in person together. And then your actions should reflect the change in pattern you desire - so if you would normally spend a night on Skype together, and you want that night to be an in-person encounter, bring it up and then if she declines, do something else rather than falling back into the old pattern. Go out with friends or watch a movie or something.

[Batya33]

I don't think she's fallen into anything -she's making a choice. He asks her to choose an alternative to the game and she always chooses the game. Each time she is making a choice. Therefore, tell her that you will choose to go out and do something else (or do something else at home) each time she chooses the game over doing something else. Sure, you can tell her you're happy to play the game for X amount of time X number of times a week but make your boundaries- and the consequences for refusing those boundaries -very clear and consistent.

[chewy21]

I don't think she's fallen into anything -she's making a choice. He asks her to choose an alternative to the game and she always chooses the game. Each time she is making a choice. Therefore, tell her that you will choose to go out and do something else (or do something else at home) each time she chooses the game over doing something else. Sure, you can tell her you're happy to play the game for X amount of time X number of times a week but make your boundaries- and the consequences for refusing those boundaries -very clear and consistent.

 

She doesn't always choose the game. We've been playing this particular game for three days, it's still new, so I get why she's wanting to play it. We play lots of other games too. And sometimes we don't even play games at all. We'll just talk on Skype as though we were talking on the phone. But it's still not face-to-face, so I think that's where the problem is. Maybe she has some baggage from a previous relationship that has something to do with hanging out in person. Maybe she feels awkward. Maybe that's how she's spent time with other guys she's dated in the past, whether or not she prefers it that way. It could be any number of things. What it isn't, however, is how she feels about me. We've actually had a pretty lengthy conversation about how we feel about each other, and that's not a concern of mine. The concern now is why, exactly, she's averse to spending time with me in person. I plan to discuss it with her when we have time tonight, over Skype if I have to.

[chewy21]

Eh, I think you've just both fallen into a pattern of behavior. I don't think it means she likes the game more than you. Although I understand those video game thingies can be quite addictive.

 

I think it's a great idea to talk to her about this when you two are actually spending time in person together. And then your actions should reflect the change in pattern you desire - so if you would normally spend a night on Skype together, and you want that night to be an in-person encounter, bring it up and then if she declines, do something else rather than falling back into the old pattern. Go out with friends or watch a movie or something.

 

I thought about just telling her I'm not playing tonight. That way she couldn't use the game as an excuse to spend time with me. But then I realized I'd basically be putting her in the same situation I'm in: making her decide between what she wants to do or spending time with me.

 

I've been considering a compromise of sorts. Maybe taking her out to dinner and playing our game afterward. That does kind of put a time limit on our face-to-face time, but it'd be better than nothing. What do you think?

[Ms Darcy]

You need to just communicate to her what you want. She's not a mindreader.

[chewy21]

You need to just communicate to her what you want. She's not a mindreader.

 

Obviously, but isn't inviting her out to do things communicating what I want? I'm just curious why she rarely wants to do them. Because I'm not a mindreader either.

[missmarple]

Actually, one of the reasons I started liking her in the first place was because we both enjoy games so much. But I feel like the weekends are time we should spend together physically, since we can't do that at work or on Skype. We've gotten to know each other really well recently, but we still haven't done things like hold hands, cuddle on the couch, or kiss. It feels like the physical aspects like that are lagging behind.

 

 

You haven't held hands, cuddled or kissed???

Sorry but this doesn't sound like a relationship to me.

[chewy21]

You haven't held hands, cuddled or kissed???

Sorry but this doesn't sound like a relationship to me.

 

Noted, thanks.

[jjkk]

She might just be more of a homebody type. I think communicating to her that you'd like to see her in person more is reasonable. Also, I agree w/ Miss Marple...nothing physical yet? Idk how long you've been dating but I'm assuming at least a few months, time to step it up in that department.

[chewy21]

She might just be more of a homebody type. I think communicating to her that you'd like to see her in person more is reasonable. Also, I agree w/ Miss Marple...nothing physical yet? Idk how long you've been dating but I'm assuming at least a few months, time to step it up in that department.

 

About two months. And yeah, I feel the same way, which is why I want us to spend more time together face-to-face. The physical part is definitely lagging, and the lack of time alone is what's causing that. It's an unusual situation, definitely not what I'm used to. Taking things slowly usually isn't what I do. It's been a nice change, but I'm ready to move forward.

 

Thanks for the post.

[Batya33]

I think you need to ask her what her intentions are- how she sees you. Right now it sounds like a friendship focused on playing the video game.

[jjkk]

Well good luck, hopefully you talk to her about spending more face to face time w/ her. Let us know how it goes!

[chewy21]

I think you need to ask her what her intentions are- how she sees you. Right now it sounds like a friendship focused on playing the video game.

 

We had that conversation, and we're on the same page. We like each other romantically, and we share lots of common interests. We refer to the times we go out together as dates. We agreed to take it slow and not rush into anything the day we decided to start dating, which was about two months ago. Since then we've spent the bulk of our outside of work together, it just hasn't been much face-to-face, which makes it a little awkward when we do hang out in person outside of work.

 

Like I said, that's not my concern.

[chewy21]

Well good luck, hopefully you talk to her about spending more face to face time w/ her. Let us know how it goes!

 

Thanks, and I definitely will.

[Batya33]

Watch the feet not the lips -what she does not what she says. Someone who is physically attracted to you will want to be in your physical presence and in an environment where if the desire is there hand holding/cuddling/kissing will happen -I have no problem with taking things slow but she is affirmatively avoiding spending time with you alone in person. The game is her buffer and she is hiding behind a computer screen. That is not "taking it slow" that is a "non-starter". If she will not go on in person dates with you then assume she does not want to go on dates with you and tell her you are looking for someone who wants to go on dates with you to see if there is a possibility for a long term relationship.

 

The time you're together playing the game in different houses or even in the same house for now is not relevant as time together and neither is the time at work. If you were also going on regular dates then sure that would be a nice addition but in your situation assume that's not relevant to developing a dating relationship.

[notalady]

I tend to agree with this, and I'm speaking as a gamer girl lol..I went through phases where I rather spend my free time alone, play games (by myself or with people online) than spend time with people in real life, it's not healthy lol..either she doesn't want to spend time with you in person or she's addicted to games in general (prefer gaming to spending time with you, in real life). I think you need to make it clear as to what you want out of the relationship, and see what she says. She may or may not be aware that this is a problem (and hindrance to the relationship development).

[eskimobobseal]

A girl who would rather play videogames than bake a cake with you and watch a movie? Wha--?

 

Alright, jokes aside - tell her that you want to spend more time with her and that its a bit abnormal to want to Skype all the time. (in a nicer way, of course). If you guys have the benefit of living within driving distance from each other, there's really no excuse/reason for spending more time communicating via the internet than in real life. Are you this girl's first boyfriend? Does she have experience at all in relationships? She's either scared/shy or not into it, I don't know.

 

The main thing is you need to tell her your needs and see if she can meet it.

 

I know this is a little off topic but I'm curious what game you guys play together? If you can get her to actually go out with you more, this can be a god send. I was lucky if I could get my ex to play 5 minutes of Xbox with me before she got bored and did her nails or something.

[faraday]

I think you need to try to kiss her next time you get together. That will answer most of your questions.

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[chewy21]

I talked to her about it yesterday, and we agreed to play our game last night and make the pie tonight. Her main aversion to making the pie was that her kitchen wasn't clean (roommates), but she said she'd clean it up today before we go get the stuff to make it. I also asked her if she felt uncomfortable spending time with me in person away from work. She said of course not, and that she was sorry if she made me feel that way. I told her afterward that I really enjoyed our time in person and asked if we could do that more often. She agreed. I want to be careful, though, because with the semester starting on Monday, we're both gonna be busy at work, and she's gonna have classes on top of that. The last thing I wanna do is be a distraction from her school work.

 

I think you need to try to kiss her next time you get together. That will answer most of your questions.

 

That's the plan, actually. We'll see how it goes.