We're together constantly, but we never SEE each other

[chewy21]

I'm definitely not her first boyfriend, but I also definitely have more experience in relationships than she does. And yeah, we live in a small college town, about a 10 minute drive apart.

 

The game we've been playing the past few days is DC Universe Online. We play lots of other games too, though. League of Legends, Awesomenauts, Borderlands 2, Orcs Must Die 2, Magicka, Castle Crashers, etc. We both work at the university's technical support center, so we're big PC gamers. And yeah, it's really nice to sit there playing games with your girlfriend for hours at a time and not have to worry about her getting bored. I didn't wanna name games because I didn't want to derail the thread with gamer talk.

 

We'll see how the pie date goes this evening.

[faraday]

I've been wondering if she's nervous about "the first kiss" or being intimate with you (actions speak louder than words here) due to lack of experience...I just saw your age...tbh, I thought you two were younger...but it's still possible to be around 30 and nervous...especially in a more conservative state (like Texas)...or she could just be not attracted to you. Not sure which one...but tonight will explain a lot...don't chicken out- go for the kiss (it's been 2 months!) and see what happens. Hopefully with that out of the way, she'll want to spend more time in person with you.

 

You're going to have to initiate things...and you guys can still have gaming dates...maybe you can see about taking a laptop to her place or something sometimes? I know desktops are set up better...but just for the experience of gaming and being able to touch her...

 

One of my exes used to be really into gaming...and we set up a few desktops in the same room so we could be nerds together. It was fun.

 

Good luck tonight!

[chewy21]

I'm not that young, but there is a bit of an age gap there. She's 22 (23 in Nov., I think). But it's never seemed to make a difference. A connection is a connection.

 

I'm of the opinion that nerves are a big part of why it's taking so long. I've always been passive in regards to initiating things because I'm always worried about coming off like so many other guys- just interested in one thing. But it seems she's pretty passive too, so I'm almost certain that's our impasse.

 

Another reason could be that we've gotten to know one another really well really fast without being in physical contact much. So it feels like we should be intimate (kissing, holding hands, cuddling, etc.), but when it comes down to it, there just hasn't been enough face-to-face time, and that makes it feel a little awkward.

 

And I'm not gonna lie, when she was over the other night and we were watching a movie sitting up in my bed, I was too nervous to even reach over and hold her hand. Not like me at all. I haven't been that nervous around a girl in years. But I take that as a positive thing. I really like her a lot. And afterward, I assured her that my hesitance wasn't anything to be worried about, it was just her giving me the butterflies, and that I'd get there eventually. She said she wasn't worried, and she kinda felt the same.

 

I'm relatively certain she finds me attractive, mainly due to a small conversation we had before we fell asleep together on Skype one night:

 

Me: Back in a sec... okay, I'm back.

Her: Where'd you go?

Me: Gettin ready for bed, just took my shirt off. I can't sleep in a shirt.

Her: So you sleep shirtless?

Me: Yep.

Her: Good...

Me: Did you just say "good"?

Her: I dunno what you're talkin about. *giggles*

 

I agree, though. Once we kiss and establish a little intimacy, I think things will naturally go that direction. But considering the way we've spent time together so far, it's gonna take a little push. And if it's something else, if she's just not attracted to me after all, the attempt will at least reveal that much.

 

Thanks for the good luck! Fingers crossed!

[faraday]

This explains a lot. Okay, intimacy is built gradually through touching. My bf kissed me on the second date...but he didn't just kiss me out of no where. Even on our first date, I touched his arm a bunch of times when we were talking...and on both dates we hugged as a greeting and when we were parting. Before we kissed, we were sitting on my couch, and our knees were touching, and we would touch each others thighs, arms and shoulders as we were talking. He brushed my hair out of my face. I messed up his hair.

 

Now that we've been intimate, we hold hands constantly, cuddle on the couch, he hugs me or gives me a backrub while I'm doing dishes, I still mess up his hair all the time...

 

Intimacy is gradual, but you have to do it. If you don't touch her at all, and you kiss her, it will feel awkward.

 

Hug her when you walk in the door. When you're making the pie crust, put your hands over hers when she's rolling dough, offer to help opening jars, brush your hand on the small of her back or her shoulders. Put yourself physically closer to her so you guys brush against each other while you're making pie. On the couch when you watch a movie, hold her hand, or put your arm around her. Become comfortable with her.

 

Kissing a girl doesn't make you "like the other guys". I don't subscribe to the idea that most guys are just out to get sex...I think most men are looking for more. Being intimate doesn't make you a jerk, or put anything negative on either of you or your relationship...it's how things grow and develop and how you figure out if you're compatible.

[eskimobobseal]

I understand where OP is coming from about coming off like other guys, I'm very hesitant to move things forward physically at times because of this. However, eventually you need to take charge as a man and start gradually touching more. She'll be receptive to it, and slowly but surely work up to kissing, then you slowly work up to touching her upper pectoral region (aka boobs), then you slowly work up to making babies. Yay!

 

Alright, seriously - its like a videogame, you start out at level 1 and once that's beat, move on to level 2 and so on.

[chewy21]

I appreciate the breakdown, but I know how intimacy works. At least usually... I was actually engaged to a girl about 5 years ago, and we were past the point of bathroom privacy. The only trouble I'm having this time is that this girl makes me really nervous! Like I said, I think that's a good thing, but it's just different than what I'm used to. I guess normally I'm of the mind that if I do something and she doesn't like it, the stakes are lower. I'm not as invested, so if what I do is a problem, then either we'll get past it or we won't. But because I like this girl so much already, I don't wanna take that chance. Which actually might be my problem in a nutshell, now that I see it typed out. I know Toni wouldn't go crazy on me for making a move she isn't ready for. She'd just tell me she isn't ready, and we'd be fine. So I guess I don't have a reason to be nervous. I'll try and keep that in mind next time we're together.

 

I'm gonna make a separate post about how the date went.

[faraday]

Lol, I thought maybe you were new to everything...I mean...no touching in 2 months of dating? That's crazy!

 

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[chewy21]

Okay, so the date was tonight.

 

As things tend to do, it didn't all go according to plan. I was on Skype with her around lunchtime, and we both got hungry. So I offered to go pick us up some food, we could eat at her place, then go out and buy our pie ingredients.

 

So I grabbed lunch, headed over (took your advice, faraday, and hugged her when I walked inside), and we ate while we watched part of a tv show. After we finished eating (probably about 30 minutes or so), I asked her when she wanted to go get the pie stuff. She said she'd almost forgotten about that, and asked if we could stay in, watch movies, and have a few beers instead. I wasn't at all averse to spending time close to her on the couch, so I agreed, and we can make our pie another night.

 

We sat on the couch and gradually inched closer to one another during the first movie, during which I took more of your advice, faraday, and looked for opportunities to touch her while I was talking. She started responding with the same. So a few hours in, during the second movie, I worked up the courage (liquid and otherwise) to reach over and hold her hand.

 

There's a bit of a story that goes along with this. Neither of us are religious, but we were at my friend's house for his wife's graduation party, and before the meal all the family and friends held hands and said grace. Afterward, she told me (playfully) that it sucked the first time we held hands was during a prayer.

 

So when I held her hand tonight, I leaned over and whispered, "The prayer totally doesn't count. This does." That made her smile and lean a little closer to me.

 

We finished the movie without letting go of each other's hand. Then, as I was leaving, I opened my arms for a hug. It was the longest and tightest hug we've had so far, it was really nice. And as we were pulling away, we both leaned in for what looked like it was gonna be a kiss.

 

Suddenly her roommate pops his head out of his room (she lives with a gay couple, nothing to worry about) to ask her a question. I think he saw that he was interrupting, because he immediately trailed off mid-sentence and went back in his room. But to no avail, the moment was ruined. We laughed a little nervously about it and shared a little moment of frustration. She smiled beautifully at me as I left, and I walked out on a cloud.

 

So no kiss, but I feel like progress was made regardless. I know now that it's just a matter of time before we get there, because even the little things we did tonight will make it easier to get closer in the future.

 

Thank you all for your advice, and thanks faraday for your enthusiasm and the pointers- they really helped.

[chewy21]

Lol, I thought maybe you were new to everything...I mean...no touching in 2 months of dating? That's crazy!

 

It is! Completely foreign territory to me, hence my struggles. I've never gotten this close with someone without it before, but given that 90% of the time we spend together is either at work or on Skype, it kinda makes sense. We got to know each other really well, just without the physical aspect. Makes it awkward, makes me nervous, but I won't argue with the results. I'm with a great girl because of it.

 

Edit: And it hasn't been absolutely no touching, just minimal. We went to the movies a few weeks ago, and she insisted that I take the armrest. When I did, she laid her arm on top of mine. And after the movie we went back to her place for a few minutes, watched some tv, and she almost had her leg draped over mine when we were on the couch.

 

But the point stands, that's a crazy low amount of physical contact for two months of dating.

[missmarple]

No offence but if you don't, at least, kiss the girl soon enough, someone else will. She may be younger than you but she's not 16...and watching a movie while holding hands after 2 months of dating is not really progress. Don't wait for the perfect moment, it may never come.

[Ms Darcy]

Glad you are finally moving things forward. Keep on that road bud.

[chewy21]

Double post, sorry.

[chewy21]

No offence but if you don't, at least, kiss the girl soon enough, someone else will. She may be younger than you but she's not 16...and watching a movie while holding hands after 2 months of dating is not really progress. Don't wait for the perfect moment, it may never come.

 

I disagree. We did make progress, despite your expectations of what our relationship is or should be.

 

I'm not gonna force a kiss on her out of nowhere. If she was concerned about the circumstances of the first time we held hands, then the kiss is most certainly going to matter even more.

[Batya33]

If you think that a kiss would have to be forced on her at this point you have your answer. Would you have to force her to spend an entire night playing a video game in separate rooms?

[chewy21]

If you think that a kiss would have to be forced on her at this point you have your answer. Would you have to force her to spend an entire night playing a video game in separate rooms?

 

You're right. I should just forget about her and move on.

[faraday]

You're right. I should just forget about her and move on.

I can't tell if this is sarcasm...

[chewy21]

I can't tell if this is sarcasm...

 

Of course it is. There are several reasons for her to be apprehensive about the first kiss that don't involve a lack of attraction or interest. To just assume it is, and base all of my decisions on it, is ridiculous.

[chewy21]

My apologies, I'm starting to get snarky in my replies, and my initial problem is resolved now anyway. I probably won't check or respond to this thread anymore as a result. But thanks to faraday and other for your suggestions and encouragement, and thanks to everyone for your opinions. They are appreciated.

[Batya33]

It sounds like you are now happy with how things are between the two of you and the pace at which things are moving.

[weathergirl]

It sounds like you are now happy with how things are between the two of you and the pace at which things are moving.

 

Somehow I don't think that's the case. I could be wrong, but my gut tells me he's probably just sick of all our posts telling him she may (and probably isn't) attracted to him, and he doesn't want to (isn't ready to) hear that yet.

 

Sometimes people just have to learn things by experiencing it themselves, which may be the case here. Nothing wrong with that, except he will continue to invest feelings in this woman, only to realize later that she was never that physically attracted to him in the first place. Then he will say (to himself) ENA was right after all...but it doesn't matter. He had to find out for himself.

[abitbroken]

He needs to set a boundary and not skype with her. This is not a long distance relationship where skyping is a necessity. he needs to ask her out on dates and stick with them and be too busy to skype until they fall asleep or have something else to do and reaffirm the date plans.

[weathergirl]

Since he's not reading anymore, it probably doesn' matter much what I or anyone says. But I think the OP is living in never-never land. Kissing, cuddling and touching is just something two people who are attracted to each other instinctively have a desire to do.

 

The fact that has not occurred in TWO MONTHS time clearly indicates that at least one half of the couple (i.e. the female since she is the one putting up road blocks) is just not feeling it.

 

It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to figure this out…it’s common sense. But the OP doesn't want to face that reality yet....so he will continue on only to find out later that she's just not feeling it for him.

 

She sees him as a good friend whom she likes to hang out with on Skype playing video games. She may not even realize this herself, and she won’t until she meets a man who REALLY knocks her socks off. A man who she won’t be able to STOP touching. A man she will have trouble staying away from.

 

Sometimes, especially when we’re young, we don’t know what we want until we actually find it, then we know.

[Ms Darcy]

I think things are fine. Don't worry.

[weathergirl]

I think things are fine. Don't worry.

 

Hopefully after he kisses her....it will spark something inside her and she won't want to stop!

[Batya33]

Somehow I don't think that's the case. I could be wrong, but my gut tells me he's probably just sick of all our posts telling him she may (and probably isn't) attracted to him, and he doesn't want to (isn't ready to) hear that yet.

 

Sometimes people just have to learn things by experiencing it themselves, which may be the case here. Nothing wrong with that, except he will continue to invest feelings in this woman, only to realize later that she was never that physically attracted to him in the first place. Then he will say (to himself) ENA was right after all...but it doesn't matter. He had to find out for himself.

 

Yes, I agree but I also wanted to be supportive and echo what he is saying he thinks is true, whether that is a rationalization or otherwise. I completely agree that sometimes people need to learn by experience.