Stressed about what to do now because she is very rude to me after having baby.

[lavenderdove]

>>My lawyer then asked the court to have a dna test done and the judge denied my request stating that I am the father because of my actions such as going to birthing classes and being present at the time of birth.

 

This tells me the judge is really already on your side. It is ridiculous that her lawyer attacked you and suggested you just walk away. That's a stupid lawyer and that helped your case because no judge who decides custody issues will want to deprive a child of the right to know the father just because the mother wants him to go away now that she's been inseminated by him and gotten her kid. That child is just as much yours as hers.

 

So i think the judge was basically saying you don't NEED a paternity test, you've already shown you're the father and want to be a part of this child's life so the judge will acknowledge that. So right now you are looking better than the mother because you are trying to be involved in your child's life, and your ex is busily trying to deprive her child of its father which judges don't approve of except in the most extreme of cases where you're a drug addict, drunk, or other danger to the child.

 

This is good news, not bad news. It sounds like the judge intends to award you visitation at a minimum since he's already declared you the father.

[lavenderdove]

btw, if you do suspect the child is not yours, you can go the lawyer's route and do the DNA test yourself. I'd probably do that myself just to be sure. You can order paternity tests online for under $100 and do the swab yourself and mail it in.

[ynguns251]

I dont know if this is the case I would hope it is but I think that refusing me to have a dna test it is more of a slap in the face as opposed to being a positive action.

 

I would love if you were right but I cannot tell you how pathetic she is and this situstion. I declined to sign birth certificate due to the child not having my last name.

 

There are so many deadbeats children who have their last name then why not me?

 

I have to beg her to see the child and she never informs me on anything. I put the child on my insurance since birth and she goes and gets a policy on her whic is $480 a month and mine is $60 extra a month. I am not paying for two insurances and hope court will see tyis.

[lavenderdove]

Please do not lose sight of the most important thing which is showing the judge that your concern is for your daughter and don't get off into the weeds about things like whether the child must have your last name or not. That is more an ego thing than any necessity, and once the child grows up, she can call herself anything she wants.

 

So pick your battles. Right now you want to get visitation with the child, and once the judge establishes that, your ex will not be able to withhold the child or tell you to go away or she will be held in contempt of court and go to jail.

 

The judge has already declared you father, so it is on the way to you getting visitation. If you genuinely have concerns the child is not yours, then do get that paternity test on your own the next time you visit the child, and you can then file with the court to have yourself removed as father if she proves to not be yours.

 

Your ex seems to be operating with some very unrealistic expectations, and she also seems to have a bad lawyer if the lawyer in court is staying stupid things like the child doesn't 'need' you and you should just go away. Really dumb from a legal perspective. The lawyer is probably just repeating what his client wants him to say BUT legally such statements hold no weight at all, and just proves the mother isn't interested in the child's well being and more interested in her own desires to have a baby and have the father go away so she is totally in control of the child.

 

The judge will see thru the petty complaints and will probably order whatever is the usual visitation in cases like this, whatever is the standard child support guideline in the state, and will settle all the matters between you. And once that is done, you just comply with the judge's ruling, whatever that is. I have seen cases where the mother gets obnoxious and tries to force the father out of the child's life, and if her efforts get bad enough, the judge can and will remove custody from the mother and give it to the father because the mother makes it impossible for the father to see his child.

 

So your best interest now is to appear as reasonable and cooperative as you can with the court, to try to resolve this and get visitation with the child. I would not push for things like getting the child's last name to be yours if the judge turns you down, because that is more about your ego than concern for the child. The judge will be looking for whether the parents are more concerned about the child or their own interests, and will make rulings based on who seems the most concerned about the child rather than continuing conflict, bitterness, or wanting to 'win' and exterminate their opponent.

 

And if your ex doesn't comply with the court's orders to let you see the child and keep you informed about the child etc., she can and will be held in contempt of court and it may affect her very negatively up to and including loss of custody if she ignores the custody arrangement and defies the judge's ruling.

 

So i don't think the hearing went badly at all. And please don't cop an attitude with the judge if you hear anything you don't like or assume something is bad (like him declaring you father without a paternity test), because that will work against you. The more reasonable and cooperate you act, the more unreasonable and uncooperative she looks. So take the high road here and it will work in your favor.

 

I also think if your lawyer points out that you can put the child on your insurance for $60 vs. having to pay $480 it's a no brainer for the judge to say it is fine to put her on your insurance. It is very common for children to go onto their father's insurance in cases like this if the father has better insurance and lower cost insurance rather than forcing him to pick up the tab for more expensive insurance just becuase the mother wants it that way. Judges know all the tricks that people use to try to get more money out of fathers/ex's in this kind of scenario, so he will cut thru that and go with what makes the most sense financially.

[Hell_On_Heels]

Well, I kind of see the self pity thing going on with you.

 

But more importantly, most really - I see your focus is still on her. You truly need to shift it. Don't make this a power struggle or a fight, you'll regret it. For the love of all things holy, please stop calling your child 'the kid'.

 

The term "kid" is affectionate here. If you could see how well loved and well treated kids are here in Indiana, I don't think you'd be so offended.

[ynguns251]

Exactly I was called " kid " and my parents loved me very much. I also live in Indiana and can tell you this from pure fact the court system in Illinois is a joke and there are so many deadbeat dads out in IL that they had to use a standard % to make support a rule and also because half the idiots running the courts can't figure out the math due to being uneducated and had gotten their job politically.

 

I do not take the last name lightly and I do believe strongly that the child should have that of their father especially when the father is present in their life.

 

What rights do fathers have? I had no say in her first name or even middle I have no say in her doctors and I feel if a father is paying he should be entitled to have his last name for his child. This is not selfish or having an ego this is about having your name carry on.

[lavenderdove]

>>This is not selfish or having an ego this is about having your name carry on.

 

It will only carry on until your daughter marries someone and changes her name. I really think you should focus on your priorities which should be gaining access to your daughter and resolving and reducing conflict with your ex rather than raising the patriarchal banner. Naming a child with the man's last name is more a patriarchal custom than a legal right. I know it sticks in your craw, but don't lose sight of the fact that your goal here is to be present in your child's life and to bring her up with love rather than engaging in endless power struggles with her mother.

 

and please do not go on a rant with a judge about father's rights or the fact that because you are 'paying' the child should have your name. Your ex is paying out of her income to support this child too, not just you, and you won't be paying 100% of what it costs to raise her. The child support payments are calculated based on the total cost to support a child, then you each pay a percentage of that cost based on your incomes.

 

Judges also smell bitterness and soap boxers who are trying to prove a point or stick it to an ex a mile away too, and recognize that is about YOUR feelings and not necessarily about focusing on your daughter and what is right for her. The judge is going to think more highly of anyone seen as focusing on the child's interest, and less highly of anyone focusing on their own interests or ego. So if you want this to go well for you, be respectful of the judge (whether in Indiana or Illinois) and focus on your daughter. Don't bite the hand that you want to feed you.

[Cheetarah]

Lol, I'm certain that IL doesn't have the 20% net income rule because people don't know how to do math. I appreciate you're ranting, though.

 

I will say that I am surprised your motion was denied. However, you can as your lawyer suggested, do the swab test on your own if you truly suspect there is a possibility she's not yours. Considering you told me she looks like your twin and you believe she is your daughter, it may look like you are just trying to stick it to your ex. But hey, for peace of mind - Do the home swab.

 

Are they sending you to mediation?

[ynguns251]

I asked her to allow me take a test and make this easier. She said " You want me to go against the judges orders? " I feel there is something really fishy here and I see this child only once a week and she is looking different and I do not see myself in her especially her blue eyes and black hair. She has a co-worker and they are very very close and he has blue eyes and black hair. I remember she was worried before that when she told people she was expecting that they would say it was " Charlies kid " which is odd to say the least don't you agree?

[ynguns251]

Cheeterah I do believe that is why IL has the 20% because there are more morons in your state then I can name ( My opinion ) I am sure you are receiving nothing from your ex which means you are probably getting aid from the state ( which you should ) I am however a person who wants to be present for his daughter and by no means am going to sit back and get slapped in the face because I do not want to pay all my exes bills considering she makes more then I do.

 

I will spend money on my child as well as her and just because her biological clock was ticking does not mean I am her cash cow here and to be allowed to see the child an hour a freaking week. I am fighting for full custody as my lawyer stated and can show the courts that I am more reasonable then she is. I try to contact her and she never answers phone she does not say anything about taking the child to the doctor either.

 

I have read your posts before and if you are having a hard time raising kids it's pretty simple "Don't have anymore " then you can stop your hatred towards men and realize women are not entitled to "Sole custody" just because they push a child out " Kid "

[ynguns251]

I will definitely do the home swab but i hope i won't get in any trouble doing so.

[Cheetarah]

I am actually receiving support payments. I don't know when they'll stop(meaning, he quits), but I have surprisingly received them for almost 2 months. Shocking, I know. I am not getting public aid.

 

I have read your posts before and if you are having a hard time raising kids it's pretty simple "Don't have anymore " then you can stop your hatred towards men and realize women are not entitled to "Sole custody" just because they push a child out " Kid "

 

What is this bs you're spewing at me? I tried to do nothing but help you before(off ENA) when I see it's all about your ego then I backed off. Stop taking your issues out on me, I'm not your punching bag.

 

Never have I EVER said women are entitled to sole custody for pushing a child out, here or anywhere else. I have one child, do not want more, and I'm not sitting here with my legs splayed open waiting for the next guy to inseminate me. If you actually read my posts, which I doubt it, you'd see I experience more pain than anger. I don't write threads about how much I hate men, but I do write ones about how I have distrust and how I am working on that in therapy. If you did read those recent posts of mine, then you just threw a low blow at me for no other reason than what? Because you can't yell at your ex? No, I'm not your stand in.

[ynguns251]

All women who have children should receive support for the child however there should be variables too. I am going to basically going to be paying more then the cost to feed her and give her diapers. I will also be seeing her and that does not cost my ex a freaking dime. She makes more then I do and I am going to have my attorney to try and work around some of these obstacles due to her salary as opposed to mine. I provided insurance from birth and she was paranoid and last month put child on hers which costs $480 a month as mine costs $60 extra. She tells me I can pay have of hers and I said my out of pocket max is 2500 and her insurance is almost twice that just for coverage costs. In court her lawyer said to mine that I should walk away and they dont want nothing but support from me. Pretty bold statement coming from an attorney who supposably has best interest in the child.right? And I am sure she and her family are what had put this in lawyers head.

[Batya33]

I would avoid the negativity and "not fair!" stuff as tempting as it is. With all that negative energy you won't get as much out of your time with your child and you cannot get that time back. I know, easier said than done other than I had to remind myself of that when I was sleep deprived/not feeling well/getting stressed so I can relate to a point. And definitely test paternity ASAP for everyone's sake.

[ynguns251]

Nothing personal against you Cheeterah I know your a good woman who got dealt a bad hand when dating but I hope you do not think all us men are here to screw over any women by trying to be fathers. The law is pathetic there are deadbeats out there who have it easier then stand up guys who want to do the right thing. I consider the judge to be very ill advised and her sob story of how she is doing this on her own is a bunch of crap. I was a sucker and she knew it, she wanted a baby because all her friends have them and she also knew given her age time was limited and her past dating history( or lack there of ) is a perfect example of her getting what she wanted and also the distance as she knows I cannot move or I lose my job so she had it made and here is good old me paying her $$ and being told what I can do and also when I can do it " Not letting this happen " I have saved a lot in the last few years and will use every bit of my savings to ensure I am a oart of her life.

[lavenderdove]

Getting a paternity test is not 'going against the judge's orders'. He just said he didn't need one. You can get one any time you please by taking a simple swab from the baby's mouth next time you see her. If you have strong reason to believe the child may not be yours, then you need to gather that information and present it to the judge. And if you get the paternity test results and they show you are not the father, then you can proceed from there to get the paternity reversed.

 

You can also provide the statements about it potentially be 'Charlie' and provide the court with his name so a test can be ordered if you prove via your own paternity test that the child is not yours.

 

Courts frequently strive to establish SOMEONE as the father in order to ensure the child gets sufficient child support to raise it and not have it become the state's responsibility (since many states in order for the mother to get state welfare payments she must first prove she either can't find the father or the father is not able to pay). So they try to find/establish a father rather than forcing the state to provide benefits due to having a deadbeat father trying to skip out on child support.

 

So you should try to first establish whether you are the father. And if you are not, you can then provide evidence that you are not and also ID the other potential father for them to go after rather than yourself.

[Cheetarah]

You addressed me and my posts, specifically. It was personal, I don't appreciate it.

 

You can't just get one and assume it will be court admissible. So if you took a home test that isn't(and in order to be, there are stringent rules to confirm identities of the parties tested, including a neutral third party witness) and it reflected you were not the father, it will mean nothing in court. Nothing. Purely for the sake of curiosity. If you are going to take one, then speak to your attorney on what labs provide court admissible paternity tests. And just because it SAYS court admissible, does not mean a judge has to honor it as such.

 

It blows my mind that you have so many doubts whether you are the father yet you are filing for sole custody.

[Cheetarah]

But yes, you can do a buccal swab. It's not illegal. It's just a matter of it being admissible.

[ynguns251]

I am not going to be able to get sole custody but I am off 2 out of 3 days and would be able to watch the child if she is mine rather then pay somebody who I dont know. What blows my mind is that she allowed her family to bad mouth me to judge saying I am mean to her because I would not move in with her and also saying I refused to pay medical bills which I find odd because I put the girl on insurance immediately and she gets a bill which was not submitted to insurance 20 days after and freaks out yelling at me saying that I need to call immediately which at that time was totally impossible because wr had training and this was in the afternoon so I asked her to call or send me email and I will the following day but that was just not " fast enough "

[Batya33]

Once again is it healthy for anyone to have all this negative energy/venting -this is such a precious time of your child's life. Promise yourself you'll confirm paternity but try to focus- please! - on your child and the wonder and the blessing of it all.

[ynguns251]

I really want to be happy about the joy of a beautiful baby however I am being the villain here because I did not do as I was told by her and caused her to have to tell others she was pregnant and not married. We all make mistakes but if I would have gave in to her demands I feel I would be in worse shape then I am now don't you agree? I want to just get over this hurdle and once paternity is established I will be either the best co parent out there or a man who had learned a valuable lesson.

[Batya33]

I really want to be happy about the joy of a beautiful baby however I am being the villain here because I did not do as I was told by her and caused her to have to tell others she was pregnant and not married. We all make mistakes but if I would have gave in to her demands I feel I would be in worse shape then I am now don't you agree? I want to just get over this hurdle and once paternity is established I will be either the best co parent out there or a man who had learned a valuable lesson.

 

My strong suggestions still stand. I realize you are in a bad situation but for your daughter's sake (and so you don't regret things later) now is not the time for a 24 hour pity party - limit it to, let's say 15 minutes a day (and not right when you want to sleep or right when you wake up -will color your day negatively).

 

No need to be the best co-parent. Simply be the parent you want to be from the perspective of seeing the cup half-full at least.

[ynguns251]

Sounds good Batya I never in my life have felt so lost. I do not know what I did to deserve to be treated like this. I thought I was a darn good man who treated women with respect and dignity but I find the older I get these women have a " want want want " personality and I am hoping one day that I meet a woman who would " want me " I dated a wonderful woman about five years ago who unfortunately had a great job offer in TX and I could not transfer to TX and I still keep in touch and like she says to me " stop being needy or trying to fix someone " and said I am a wonderful man who deserves the best.

[ynguns251]

Hi everyone wanted to give you an update on my case. I was finally allowed a DNA test from the courts. The judge admitted he was not in compliance with IL state law which is crap for me because his failure to allow test 3 weeks ago has cost me lawyer fees and I will definitely say something on our next court date. I am so mad that it is this hard to get a DNA test especially when I am the one paying for it. This is costed me thousands of dollars and as I look back I say "For what? " I could have just appeared myself and said set up payments and visitation and been on my way. I was told I made a good choice doing this the legal route because she would screw me over the other way which would cost mor money in the years to come.

[sophie274]

So, is the baby your daughter?

 

I think you really need to the responsibility for pushing to get the DNA test, and stop making yourself our to be a victims of the system. Several posters on here said you should only get the DNA test if you had a strong suspicion she was not yours, and you said that you did and that she didn't look like you and that you thought your ex had been sleeping around. It sucks that it was so hard for you to get the test, but if she's not yours, better a couple thousand dollars now than a life supporting a child who is not yours?

 

And if all you wanted was shared custody, you didn't have to get the DNA test!

 

Have you seen your daughter recently? When will a custody schedule be set?