Stressed about what to do now because she is very rude to me after having baby.

[faraday]

There are numerous studies showing breast milk Id the best thing for a baby. Not everyone can do it, your daughter is lucky. Try to be supportive of "prolonged" feeding as its beneficial. Let her know that if she doesn't want to be inconvenienced by pumping, you can give her formula when you have her. Then he can decide if the inconvenience outweighs the benefit. For perspective, I breast fed until a year and a half. It was awesome bonding.

 

I think you'll be surprised with how challenging overnights are at this point. I would work on day long visits at your house, and work your way up to overnight. I think a lot of kels resistance is that you haven't spent a lot of time hurt with your girl...and the mother instinct is kicking in.

 

Give it time. Eventually Kel will trust you with baby....and she'll look forward to her time off...and at some point, she will look forward to a night off. Let trust grow.

 

Do what you say you're going to do. Show up when you say you will. Be responsible when you have your girl.

 

Things will be good.

[Cheetarah]

Kelly will assumingly return to work so if she wants to exclusively give breast milk, it's really in her best interest to pump and create stashes in the freezer. Anyhow, at some point she is going to want to go out and leave baby with someone, and that someone is going to need to feed her.

 

It sounds like Kelly may be trying to use breastfeeding as a reason not to hand her daughter over to her father and that's a problem.

 

And Kelly has severely limited his access, so I think the resistance is on her.

[faraday]

My daughter wouldn't tolerate anyone else feeding her....but then again, her dad never really gave it a good go...he didn't want to "babysit".

 

I just remember how hard it was dropping off my girl at her dads for the first time after we split...and she's was screaming...it was terrible. I cried. I know the anxiety and terror. That's why I'm saying...the more he proves he's trustworthy and good...the easier it will be.

[Batya33]

I think pumping is the perfect compromise -many women do this when they go back to work. I agree breastfeeding is optimal. (I was not able to past 10 days and luckily I know I could not have bonded more strongly with my child if I tried). Pumping is inconvenient but that kind of compromise has no bearing on the baby's well being. If the baby won't tolerate being fed by someone else then back to the drawing board but I think that is relatively unusual.

[Supernova1607309611]

I think you should apply for what your lawyers tell you to apply for so that you don't have to keep going back to court again and again to get this settled and change the arrangements, i.e., go for the 'normal' custody arrangement and let the judge rule.

 

Then once you have the legal right to that, you can work out with your ex that for a while you won't take her overnight until you are sure the baby will take a bottle from you and is comfortable with you and/or the weather is good enough such that travelling to visit your home and family will be safe. But at 4-6 months the baby should be very mobile and able to go out and go anywhere. And that is the age when you start introducing solid foods and can also introduce formula or pumped milk as well so the mother's argument that she needs to keep the baby on those grounds for a full year just aren't valid. Your ex has already shown she uses every argument she can to maintain 100% control of the baby, but given that you are the baby's father, she frankly has no legal or moral high ground there so needs to get over it and learn to co-parent with you.

[Batya33]

I don't think the mom should have to give formula and I disagree that 4-6 months is when the baby is "ready" for formula. Rather breastfeeding is called for for at least the first 6 months and up to a year is optimal (or past that if mother/baby want to and have the ability to). I think it's fine to pump and it's again an individual thing whether the baby gets "nipple confusion". Once again I could not nurse so I don't have a real bias other than my knowledge from doctors/professionals about breastfeeding. Unless the baby has some unusual condition I don't think nursing should interfere to the degree the mother is stating and not for a whole year -pumping should work.

[faraday]

Solid food should not be introduced before 6 months....and it's not his call, it's Kelly's call, which she will make after consulting her doctor. Doctors strongly encourage waiting until at least 6 months though.

 

And if a person can and wants to breastfeed, they should, it's much healthier for the baby. Formula is a last resort. I'm sure that she is using breastfeeding as a tool to keep her baby close- and honestly, what mother in this situation wouldn't? I'm sure she'll pump when she has no other alternative.

 

 

 

 

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[Cheetarah]

No, it's not just Kelly's call when their daughter starts solid foods. If he took her and fed her baby oatmeal, what's she going to do about it? Not that I'm saying you should based on the solid introduction advice I have received, but that isn't the point.

 

And if a person can and wants to breastfeed, they should, it's much healthier for the baby. Formula is a last resort. I'm sure that she is using breastfeeding as a tool to keep her baby close- and honestly, what mother in this situation wouldn't? I'm sure she'll pump when she has no other alternative.

 

In what situation? Using it to prevent out of home visits?

[journeynow]

I do recall breastfeeding is recommended for as long as possible for health benefits (plus it is economical), and solids are started gradually around 6 months. It helps if this does not become a battleground. There is variability among babies. My firstborn nursed for over a year and started solids at 6 months. My second born was a much larger baby (and now a very tall adult) and was eager for solids at 4 months. If he hadn't been so interested I would not have introduced them, but looking back I think he needed the extra food while my first born did not until later. Different body types and growth rates. OP, it might be trickier for you getting information from the baby's pediatrician regarding her care, and you'll have to decide how you want to handle choices, whether you work in coordination with the mother or whether you act independently. Try, though, not to make your daughter's care the battleground. Consistency is important for her.

[faraday]

No, it's not just Kelly's call when their daughter starts solid foods. If he took her and fed her baby oatmeal, what's she going to do about it? Not that I'm saying you should based on the solid introduction advice I have received, but that isn't the point.

 

 

 

In what situation? Using it to prevent out of home visits?

 

Yes, to prevent home visits.

 

 

I haven't read through every post in this thread, but it doesn't sound like the OP has seen the child very much,..or that he's on the birth certificate. If he's not on the birth certificate....does he even have any guardianship rights at this point? If someone that wasn't a guardian of my child was doing things (like giving them solids when they can have allergic reactions) without my express permission...I would be livid. Just saying. Right now, it's in the OPs best interest to build a trusting co parenting relationship with Kelly. Not jump in and try to tell her how to parent....that's not how you build good relationships.

 

I have a great relationship with my daughters father. He understands that because I'm her primary care giver, most decisions will be made by me because she's with me most of the time. If he was trying to tell me what to do, and he wasn't in 50/50 custody agreement, I would tell him to shove it.

 

Respecting boundaries and having your own boundaries is how relationships work...it's kind of fundamental. Until the OP has 50/50 custody, he needs to be respectful of Kelly's parenting.

 

 

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[Cheetarah]

No, he has not seen his daughter very much, but that has not been his choice. He has be turned away from visits, limited, etc. I'm not his biggest fan, but what's fair is fair and it isn't fair. I have to say this for him, he was on the ball and petitioned to establish parentage and custody IMMEDIATELY after this little girl was born. He is her father and he deserves to have input. He is not just "some guy". He's an interested father. In the beginning his ex did not want visits outside the home and very short and for him to come there, and while that was appropriate then she is still trying to do the same stuff and it's not appropriate anymore.

 

She's not even giving him the chance to try and coparent, rather every last thing has been on her terms. That's controlling, not healthy boundaries. He's been and being treated like a stranger.

[avman]

I agree with this. The OP has made plenty of mistakes and is not always going about this the right way. But at least he's trying, I'll give him that. That's way more then a lot of people. And the mom in this case isn't giving him any opportunity to even try to coparent. Once he's established as the legal father he has custodial rights. Mom does not get to make all the decisions despite what people may believe.

 

Breastfeeding is not an excuse to deny longer visitations. During the first month or two of life ok I could be convinced to keep visits short and minimize change. But after that mom can pump and courts are not going to deny Dad visitation because mom doesn't feel like pumping or want to deal with inconvenience.

 

And the excuse of infants not going outside in the elements is also b.s. Thats what they make baby snowmobile suits for. You could cook a turkey in those things they are so warm. Unless its -30 out and dangerous for any human being to step out in it then dad gets visitation.

[ynguns251]

I have a car seat and a crib. I agree mediation would help as I also asked her months back to see a therapist together but she refused saying " I will not move into your house " and that she wanted a new house or nothing. I really did try everything and now I will be paying for my daughter and rarely see her ( if she gets her way ). I am going to get a vasectomy I think and this way I will not complicate my daughters life in the future. I am 37 and do not want to start an additional family as of now. I am pretty much screwed in dating now also because I have a child.

[Cheetarah]

Don't get a vasectomy yet. It's a big decision being made during a VERY stressful experience - The worst time to make such big decisions. You may regret it. Please wait. You said "As of now". You don't seem entirely certain, and like I said - stressful time. Just hold on for awhile until you make it through some of the court proceedings and get a big stressor off your shoulders.

 

You aren't screwed with dating. I don't know why you would think that. I am choosing not to date right now for multiple reasons, and yes I have my hands full...But I even went out on dates last year, and that is with my son living with me 100% of the time. My mom/aunt watched him for me. And one of the guys I went out on a date with was a single father.

[faraday]

Having a child makes you more desirable to certain niches of women. I'm a single mom- I don't have a hard time dating...and I actually prefer to date single dads...if they are responsible and have their sh*t together...meaning, they do stuff with their kids...not just plop them in front of the TV every second weekend. Do you know what I mean?

 

I sought out men that were passionate about their time with their kids. It's hot.

 

Wait on the vasectomy, life will be different in a year or two.

 

 

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[journeynow]

I have a car seat and a crib. I agree mediation would help as I also asked her months back to see a therapist together but she refused saying " I will not move into your house " and that she wanted a new house or nothing. I really did try everything and now I will be paying for my daughter and rarely see her ( if she gets her way ). I am going to get a vasectomy I think and this way I will not complicate my daughters life in the future. I am 37 and do not want to start an additional family as of now. I am pretty much screwed in dating now also because I have a child.

 

Glad you have acquired a car seat and crib. One step at a time. You seem to jump ahead in your thinking and see things as all or nothing. "I am pretty much screwed in dating now." Not at all, but perhaps what you are recognizing that at this phase you are not ready to date anyone, you are still working out the issues with your daughter and working to untangle yourself from your internal drama over this old relationship. You are still healing. Give it time before thinking about dating. If you are absolutely sure you want will never want any more children, then a vasectomy is fine, but there is no rush if you stay away from dating until you have healed emotionally. No need carrying baggage and throwing any new relationship off balance.

[ynguns251]

Thanks Cheeterah for sticking up for me and the others on here too. I have no choice as of now and was given a measly hour a week to see the child. She claims it is because I filed papers first and my reply was " you say you want me to bond " but yet she is vindictive in nature especially giving me a pathetic hour and a half to see the child and it takes an hour each way there. Its one thing to allow at least double the visit to 3 hrs. I sometimes ask myself " Did I try my hardest ? " i cannot see anything more I could have done except give in and buy her the engagement ring but I was not in love with her and she wanted it for a status symbol as opposed to love.

[ynguns251]

Hope your right faraday.

[avman]

Thanks Cheeterah for sticking up for me and the others on here too. I have no choice as of now and was given a measly hour a week to see the child. She claims it is because I filed papers first and my reply was " you say you want me to bond " but yet she is vindictive in nature especially giving me a pathetic hour and a half to see the child and it takes an hour each way there. Its one thing to allow at least double the visit to 3 hrs. I sometimes ask myself " Did I try my hardest ? " i cannot see anything more I could have done except give in and buy her the engagement ring but I was not in love with her and she wanted it for a status symbol as opposed to love.

 

For right now you take every bit of that hour a week and make the most of it. Yes I know you want more and you can fight for that in court. But you'll need to demonstrate that you always take your hour that you get now. You just focus on whats best for that child. Your ex will show by her own actions that she is not doing that. Judges are not dumb and can figure those things out pretty quickly.

[Cheetarah]

Be on time every week. I want you to document your arrival time too, ok? And when you leave or are told to leave. And if you have any texts or emails where she admit she is doing this purposefully then forward those to your lawyer.

[ynguns251]

Hi all I talked to her today and I actually facetimed with my little daughter ( she is cute ). I think she may be realizing I am not as bad as her family had made me out to be and that I just may have honest intentions on being a good father. I always loved kids and wanted a child but not this way. I can only look forward but like I told her Avery is nobodies personal property and in order for her to be sane in life she needs us to come together. I feel so odd at her house as if I am the Devil or sonething in that manner. I just do not understand where I had went wrong everything I offered was a " No " and the day she went into labor she texted me ( freaking texted ) and called her mother. I am not perfect but what a way to make the father of her child feel unwanted. I know she is mad because she had to tell people at school she was pregnant and not married. I would have loved a family but she set the bar way too high and I would need a rocket to get over it.

[faraday]

That's my daughters middle name Love Avery

 

I think all single parents have regrets about the way things turned out. I think it's rare that someone wants to bring a child into a "broken" home. Just remember that it's normal to feel like that, and don't beat yourself up about- what's done is done. Keep it in mind as your girl gets older...I know my daughters father has a lot of guilt about us not being a cohesive family, so he lets that guilt guide him in his parenting...so he tries to be the funnest, coolest dad instead of the responsible father figure that she needs. It is what it is.

 

An hour sucks. But it's to prove that even when things suck, you'll still show up. So do. With a smile. On time. And enjoy your daughter, she's growing so much every single day.

 

If you do the crappy hour visit every week, it won't be long before you'll get day long visits. Just stick with it and prove that you can be the dad that Avery needs.

 

 

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[ynguns251]

Your right an hour is better then nothing. I just dont know where I got her to be so rude to me or that of my family? I was at 90% of doctor visits and went to parenting classes at hospital but I really think this whole " I am a teacher and not married " attitude took precidence over our relationship. Her mom is by far the biggest hurdle in all this. She hates me but does not know me. She was a pain in the butt especially going to doctor visits and telling the doctor what to do because she used to be a nurse ( it ticked doc off ) and then Kel was listening to her and making decisions before giving birth for cripes sake. I am tired of this arguing I actually have been the more stable one and I think the judge knows it. Kel said she is going to say I see a therapist and I said " feel free to do so " My therapist said I made my own choice to see him and also will write a letter on my behalf. He said she was in denial about us going to counseling and that it wouldhave helped us out he believes but she is too stubborn to be wrong ever and that is why I am not with her. She can have her career and her friends but at the end of the day she is as lonely as I am and I hope it was worth all of her bashing of me to her friends and family because now her biggest fear of being a single mother is a reality but she still has her career and her friends and family.

[ynguns251]

Hello all well it's almost been two weeks since I seen my daughter and I am starting to get a little upset about this and need help deciding which route to take. I appreciate all of you on here and I am grateful for the advice. I am hitting a brick wall with my ex and every time I ask her how her and my daughter are doing there is no reply till a day later and it's usually "Ok,thanks" I really want to be a father but with her I am nothing more then a villain and I really think she is holding a grudge on me for not getting a ring for her and or buying a new house.

 

I have been there for her throughout this and the only time I was not is after and that is because she wanted this from the start I think because why else would you not want the father of your child around especially if he is asking to be right?

 

She said she wanted to work things out between her and I but my lawyer said to me that her lawyer has not bothered to reply back on this matter and thinks that her lawyer is trying to make the most bang for her buck by keeping this rolling on in the courts. I don't know what to do anymore i am lost I had seen my therapist on wednesday and he advised that I have done all that I can given this situation but then why do I feel like mate I could have done more? I replay everything and think I acted normally especially being scared about the whole situation and not having her as a support but only as more drama and the constant " I will lose my job Jim " and " people will think I am a Jim " I just could not be happy with her or even around her after she had become pregnant.

 

I need advice on how else I can handle this matter, I call her no answer I text her no reply to the next day and on Thanksgiving i wanted to FaceTime her to see my daughter and show my family her because they have not seen her and she said she left her phone at home.

[journeynow]

Take a breath. She IS answering you. I assume she has her hands full, and answering the next day isn't unreasonable. Many people I know take a day or so to return messages.

 

You two have not been on the best of terms, there has been anger on both sides, and it will take much more time to smooth things out. Looking back, you've been upset from the beginning. It sounds like you've calmed down quite a bit, but still on edge. Keep in contact, keep showing up as planned, you are building a pattern of trustworthiness and caring, and it takes time.