Stressed about what to do now because she is very rude to me after having baby.

[ynguns251]

I disagree because I now and even before from what my lawyer had told me had rights to my daughter and this includes visitation and or overnights. I am not at all happy with her but I want to be a part of my daughters life. I would also ask that if she is dating someone that she tell me because I do not want my daughter calling anyone else " Dad " or even think that some other guy is her father. I would be really upset and I am afraid if this guy says something rude to me we will not have such a good day "well he won't" I don't tolerate ignorance and that is exactly what she is been dishing out to me from the beginning and for her to say I was never there was a sad excuse because I was there throughout the entire pregnancy and this is why the judge even denied a DNA test at first. I want to have my daughter visit my house on either Christmas Eve or Christmas day and I had asked her to come too and considering that I am always by her and this is my daughters first Christmas I feel that I should be able to share the time with her also. She said that it is too cold to take her in the car to my house and I replied "Bu your sister lives 35 min away" and that is where she is going on Christmas. I will call my attorney on monday and have her ask the courts for immediate parenting time and from what she said is that either way i will see her on her first Christmas.

[journeynow]

I need advice on how else I can handle this matter...

 

OK, I read this and took it at face value, you wanted advice on how you can handle it and yet...

 

I disagree...

 

Fine...

[avman]

You really must learn patience. Here's a stark reality for you - even in the best of circumstances court proceedings are horribly slow. I'm sorry, they just are. You are also panicking over the mom not responding till the next day. But that is a response. She isn't ignoring you completely. And holidays are busy times. Relax. Calm down.

 

I disagree because I now and even before from what my lawyer had told me had rights to my daughter and this includes visitation and or overnights

You do, but only when a judge issues an ORDER granting them. Until an order is issued technically an unmarried father does not have any rights at all. You'll need to wait until that gets established to hang your hat on having rights. For now you need to document any denial of visitation that you've attempted (assuming you attempt it peacefully). Do NOT start insisting, demanding, or threatening because I promise you that will come back to haunt you in court proceedings. Any evidence at all that you might pose a threat will slam the door in your face to getting anything other then supervised visitation. Courts are notoriously conservative when it comes to infants.

 

I would also ask that if she is dating someone that she tell me because I do not want my daughter calling anyone else " Dad "

I'm sorry but you don't get to decide this. And anyway your child is an infant. Don't fast forward to what can happen years from now. Focus on the moment and just bonding with your child. That bond will be what determines whether your daughter calls you Dad or sperm donor. So focus on enjoying the time you do get with her. This bond takes years. And that is what makes a father. Not some insistence of what role you feel you deserve.

[ynguns251]

I am listening trust me but there is no light at the end of this tunnel with this woman. I want my daughter to smile and be happy but not going to happen with this woman

[Batya33]

I am listening trust me but there is no light at the end of this tunnel with this woman. I want my daughter to smile and be happy but not going to happen with this woman

 

Your daughter's chance of happiness is greatly increased with the presence of two loving parents. Don't focus on the mother -focus on how you can be there for your daughter as best you can and that means often putting aside pride/ego/and evaluating whether your concerns are warranted or triggered by counterproductive emotions towards the mother. Obviously we all want our children to smile and be happy. First make sure her basic needs are met and take it from there -don't look down the tunnel -take it day by day.

[ynguns251]

I really want this to be over already. The feel of the unknown has my mind in shambles. I cant stop but think of this all the time. I am trying to keep positive but I see no positivity at all in this situation. I think what really upsets me is that I shoukd be happier then heck about having my daughter but how can I be happy with the fact that I will rarely see her and have to deal with Kelly all the time.

[avman]

I think you should get some counseling for yourself. And I mean that in a positive way, it is not a criticism. The obsessing will not help you. This is something you'll need to come to terms with and manage for the next 18 years. You must keep yourself healthy and sane or you do not do your daughter any good at all.

 

I understand the stress. Believe me I do. The fears, the anger, the frustration you are feeling are all normal. But you must learn to process them and work through it. If you let it consume you then it can take you down completely.

[Cheetarah]

He has a therapist, actually. On the last page he mentions it.

 

Jim, I spent the first 5 sessions or so just getting things OUT. After awhile, you just can't get it out anymore. There's nothing to get out. You will see you're stuck in circular thinking, and then that's where some of the real work comes in. At some point you're going to have to learn to trust yourself and that you made decisions in what you thought was best - at the time. As great as it would be to turn back the clocks and maybe do this, that or the other thing differently, it can't happen. Believe me I have spent precious energy obsessing over my own situation. You know what I'm pissed about now? That I can't get that time back. That I spent a year of my son's life feeling a disconnect.

 

Of course I can't do anything about that, either..But just accept I was doing my best at the time and I was trying to survive. But that's my point. The ruminating, it takes away from your ability to connect with your girl when you do see her. It runs your life in between. You just exist while living in your head, in all the what ifs and why can't it bes and all that other stuff. You can feel angry, you reserve the right to feel any feeling you want - But at the same time, work to radically accept the situation. It doesn't mean you have to like it, it doesn't mean you approve of it, it doesn't mean any of that. It just means that you cannot undo anything. It means you will have to face that you currently have a strained co-parenting relationship. That you will be in and out of court for awhile. Legal stuff will be part of your life for a good while.

 

There's no magical recipe to make this easier for you. To radically accept things any faster. It's an individual thing and the way you process and go THROUGH that process will probably be different than the way I did and I am.

 

I think you can't get too far ahead of yourself...Just work on...Getting through the day. Then the night. Then the next morning.

[ynguns251]

I do go to counseling and everyone says " you did the right thing and don't second guess yourself " but what stinks is that I have no imput on what is going on in my Daughters life. I should know when she goes to the doctor and want to go to the appointments but she refuses to cooperate at all. I asked her for her social security number and she tells me " why so you can buy a life insurance policy to make money if she dies? " I replied back that she needs to see a therapist as well and if she thinks that having a savings account or life insurance is ludicris than she is really wacko and definitely needs a reality check because to secure a financial future for your child is not trying to make money and especially using the word " dying " that is crazy. I have court on the 19 th I hope it will be done then and finally have things in order.

[journeynow]

I want my daughter to smile and be happy but not going to happen with this woman

This is not true, your daughter will smile and will be happy. You need to stop this projecting such a blanket of blackness into the future. Your negativity is making things far worse. You are unwilling to see any other possibilities to your attitude.

[Cheetarah]

Well, maybe you need a different therapist or a different approach.

[22n32]

well let me give u a brief history about me, im in very much ur situtaion i have a 1yr old daughter who i have ony

ly seen 3 times, the ex has done everything in her power to keep me away, in 2 yrs she has never once took my calls or called me on how we should work together for the sake of our daughter..

 

ive seen lawyers i know what my options are, it wont change anything, ill get my few hrs a week which she can screw with anythime she wants. its no way to have a rel with my daughter, ive reached out for two yrs now to make it work and do anything, but no nothing is good enough for her, i send money every month i send clothes, ive asked please call anytime even if its for few min i wanna see her, and this will sound awfull to many but im at a point were im writting a 10 page letter to my ex explaining all of this and how this is not usefull for our daughter. but im at a stage were its time for me to move on, i never see her im always stressed and not myself thinking about her, one day she will meet some guy he will see my daughter more then me and i will be the stranger who comes to pick her up for few hrs on weekend.. like i said its time for me to move on, it will only get worse in 2 yrs nothing has changed.. i have to move on with my life and find a women who has same inspiration of sharing a family with me, wish u all the luck and let me know if u have anyquestions

[MisUnderstood9]

What your ex is doing in my opinion is rude! Do you know how many single mothers would there would KILL to have the father of their child actually wanting to be apart of their kids life instead of feeling like they are forced?!

 

I have always felt like I am forcing my sons dad to be a dad to his kid and I would text him about his events, doctors appointments, TRY to get him to come visit his son or to even take his son for a visit all with ZERO to NO effort on his part for years!! My son is 5 now and in total his father has MAYBE spent a year worth of time with him (all forced mind you)...

 

It make me extremely sad and mad that she is being this way!! She'd be singing a different tune probably if you decided you want to be a deadbeat instead of a stand up dad... as far as I am concerned... if a father WANTS to be in the childs life (as long as there is no abuse), he deserves to be in their life... if he is a deadbeat sperm donor than yah I could see her doing the things she is... but you ARENT!!!

 

I read everything prior to posting and I still think you are trying to the best you can. Keep on your lawyer to speed up the mediation/court date. If the ex isnt trying to allow you visits and telling you you can only have an hour once a week with your daughter, record it. Keep text messages and document all attempts you make to try and see your daughter with her responses with time stamps. The court will see that she is purposely trying to alienate you from your daughter and it will look worse on her than on you in the eyes of the judge.

[ynguns251]

Thanks all and I truly believe that things ate for sure going to get better. I know the problem and this problem is her mother. I seen my daughter two weeks ago and she was alone with my daughter and we were fine and even laughing and she even gave me a hug but then all Hell broke loose when her parents came there and she was basically saying " You got to go " and deep down I think she wsnted me to stay there but she is afraid of this mother of hers and she really needs to remember this is our child not her mothers or her co-workers just ( ours )

[22n32]

my exs parents are huge reason why this is all happening and were not moving forward in a postive way.. hopefully it all works out for you

[ynguns251]

22n32 I really hope so. She holds this grudge because she said her reputation as a schoolteacher was ruined. I am tired of hearing about her and all of her dilemad about her career, if these so called friend co- workers cared so much about her then why would they not be supportive instead of so judgemental. I have to quit worrying about her and her needs and wants and start focusing on that of mine and my daughters. From the beginning it was always now or never and considering the short time I was dating her I felt I did the best with what I had and when she wanted me to purchase a $10k ring and then called me cheap when I said " I cannot afford it " I knew her and I were basically done not to mention that she also wanted a new house and looking at some in the range of $400k ( give me a break ) she had set me up I believe and knew. Led far enough away to not be around often.

[22n32]

In your case i really dont understand why she doesnt let you see your daughter ? i think women do this outa spite and power control, some women see there children as possesion and what there doing they think there right.. this is the beginning of parental allienation.. but they do more damage then anything

[Batya33]

In your case i really dont understand why she doesnt let you see your daughter ? i think women do this outa spite and power control, some women see there children as possesion and what there doing they think there right.. this is the beginning of parental allienation.. but they do more damage then anything

 

Which women? Who are you writing about specifically? I think your generalizations do far more damage.

[ynguns251]

I think 22n32 is correct and it is definitely the reason she is doing this ( she even said it ) she toldme that she is upset because I filed to get my last name as that of my daughters. She called me today and said that she would give her my last name if I agreed to give her " Sole custody " I am not sure what this exactly means but " sole " means " I " and not " we " so I will advise lawyer to see what her game plan is on this. It is a shame because so many deadbeats have more rights than I do as it seems now. I cannot get her to hear a word I say and she keeps bringing up that I never got her an engagement ring and ruined her image.

[avman]

I would assume by sole custody she means sole "legal" custody. This would mean she gets to make 100% of the decisions regarding your daughter and you would not have the right to even be consulted.

 

Do not, under any circumstances, agree to this.

[ynguns251]

avman I agree I was told by my attorney that this is a bunch of bullcrap and that this like you said would mean I have no decision making whatsoever. She would basically be able to do whatever she wanted and the I would have to agree and pay half of everything she wanted to do and this is not happening. The way I see it she is going to make out far better than I am because my support will pay basically 80% of her mortgage and there is no way in heck that a child costs this much to raise considering we both make decent salaries. I find it odd that she wants "Sole custody" so badly there must be a reason behind it. I did hear good news she was upset because I can claim my daughter every other year on my taxes and this way I will put the money in a college fund for her asap but first I have to get her SSN# which she says " Why do you want it so badly " I said umm " Because I am the father duh " I can't even get a life insurance policy without it and it is good to set this up right now and then when she turns I think 23 she will have money for college or whatever she desires to do with it ( what is her deal )

[sophie274]

Just as a side-note, I think if you want your daughter to be able to use the fund you're starting for college, you need to pick one that will be available to her at 18. Most kids have graduated from college by the time they turn 23. (Of course, the money could be very useful then to get started with an apartment/furniture, to go to grad school, whatever).

 

You're doing the right thing to just work through your attorney. I think you should forget about asking for your daughter to have your last name, because even though I understand it feels like a big deal (especially emotionally) to you, it's really just a detail. I know so many people who do not share a last name with their children and that changes absolutely nothing. Maybe your ex did it as a slap in the face to you, maybe she just felt that since you were not married she just wanted to giver her name to the child. I think you need to try to let that go.

 

I don't know how much your support payment is, but yes, babies do cost a lot of money. And children even more. And teenagers even more. Maybe for the first couple of years your ex won't be using all of her support payment (I couldn't say without knowing how much it is), but man, private school fees are outrageous. Extracurricular activity fees (especially sports) are outrageous. I remember when I was little growing out of my shoes every 3-6 months. Don't let negative stuff you read online poison the way you feel about child support. Your ex isn't ripping you off or laughing all the way to the bank as she gets mani pedis on your dime. As spiteful as she's been to you, I haven't heard you say she is less than a good mother to your daughter, so I'm SURE she's using that money in the best interests of your daughter.

[Hell_On_Heels]

Her deal is about control. So is yours. You are driving each other crazy. Can't you see that?

 

It's not about winning. It's about your daughter. It's not about paying 80% of your ex's mortgage - it's about paying for a good, safe home for your daughter. You can think of it as paying money TO your ex, and let that infuriate you. Or you can realize you're paying money FOR your daughter, and be content that you're fulfilling one of your parental obligations.

 

Your ex keeps picking things up and hurling them at you. And you, you're reacting to every single thing she throws. Stop it. You have a lawyer - let him figure out if anything this woman throws at you is a danger. And only fight the real dangers. The latest is sole custody. On what basis? Are you violent? An addict? Out of control? Irresponsible? If none of these things apply to you, if there is no basis under the law for her to be granted sole custody, then let your lawyer worry about it. Why are you freaking out about it and getting yourself all worked up over something that probably can't happen?

 

To be frank, I think you enjoy it. Not to be mean, but I think you get something out of the drama. Think about this long and hard.

Sometimes people are thrown onto emotional roller coasters and they don't know how to get off...so they over react to everything. Getting cut off in traffic is just as bad as having their car stolen. Do you see what I'm saying? If you're in that spot, talk to your therapist about getting off the roller coaster. It's no way to live. And heaven knows it's really bad for your daughter.

 

There's no need to fight with your ex over 90% of the stuff you two fight about. Ask the judge for the SSN #. Remove her from the equation wherever possible. Go around her. Why are you insisting on a head-to-head confrontation with her? Is it so important that you emerge victorious that you'll risk everything for it - your health, your daughter's quality of life (especially emotionally), etc?

 

If vindication is what you seek, let the lawyer and the judge do that for you. Then you can focus on being a good person, and a good dad.

 

And, my last guess on this, if you're replaying some power struggle from earlier in your life and hoping to win it this time, it never works. That only happens in epic movies - for a reason. It's a fantasy. Obviously it's a powerful thing many of us relate to, or that theme would've died a long time ago. It's still a fantasy.

 

Address your anger. That's my best advice.

[ynguns251]

Your right and I am getting worked up on this whole situation and I will do what my lawyer says to do after all that is what I am paying her for right? She did tell me never to agree to give her sole custody because then I would be really in the dog house. I am being nice to her for the time being but I will not be the villain in this anymore. It all stems down from her and her fears about what others think of her and her family is the biggest hurdle to get over in my opinion because when she is alone she is really sweet but the minute when super b-word mom gets there all hell breaks loose. I think she is aware of this and hopefully comes to her senses and realizes we are both in this together.

[22n32]

hell on heels thats a pretty crappy thing to say that he enjoy the pain and hes self inflicting, i think he just wants to see his daughter and be a role in her life..

 

ynguns i know what u mean about child support, they wanna take 48% of my gross income here, that is thousands of dollars every month which is absurd.. no kid needs 4k a month, i dont even live on that much..

 

courts and women have turned family and wanted kids into a scary adventure, women can take your kid and your money and leave u broke and heartbroken, its afwull