Stressed about what to do now because she is very rude to me after having baby.

[ynguns251]

I do have a strong suspicion but I also did sleep with her and I accept this much as I may in fact be the father. I have reasonable doubt however because prior to us dating she was in a relationship and I remember she was still talking to him but as she put it " Only as friends " we all know that the heart is sometimes stronger then the brain and may make us act impulsively which she may have done. I also have some suspicions because she is really close to a fellow co-worker by the name of Charlie and when she had got pregnant she said " Everyone will think it's his child " also why in the heck would she not give the child the last name of the father especially if he was not trying to bail on her? I know I may sound like I am in denial but I knew from even before that she was going to pull this crap on me after giving birth and I have not been allowed by her to see the kid and every time I would see the child I was watched like a hawk and the minute that hour and a half was up it was " Time to go buddy " it takes me an hr to get there and an hr back I spend more time driving the that of seeing the child. She refuses to bring her this way and states that she has choking episodes and when she told this to the judge he asked her " Do you have doctors orders to not take her in a car and or paperwork stating this deathly choking hazard? " she said no but doctor had said she has acid reflux then the judge said " That's not a good enough reason to refuse to drive her anywhere " I am a paramedic for pets sake if anything being here in the future ( If she is mine ) would be better given my training and 16 years experience right?

[ynguns251]

As far as custody schedule I have no idea but if she is mine I do not want her getting sole custody and having her make all legal decisions for the child. I would have to agree to anything she wanted for the child including school which if she sends to a Catholic school or charter can cost $10,000 and I would have to foot have of that cost and both school district ( Thankfully ) where we reside are great schools and high ratings. Wish me luck !!!!!

[avman]

I would have to agree to anything she wanted for the child including school which if she sends to a Catholic school or charter can cost $10,000 and I would have to foot have of that cost

 

Well that's not completely true. If she were to obtain full legal custody (which quite frankly is a rarity unless there is literally no possibility of two parents cooperating) that doesn't mean she can make decisions that impact you financially and you have no say. If she were to select some expensive school she would have to go back to court to request additional child support above and beyond what was already ordered. Then you could make your case for why that should be denied and that a less expensive school would be sufficient.

 

I have a different take on the DNA test then some of the other posters. I think it was a good idea to insist on one. First because it puts the issue to rest for the rest of the child's life. It's a bad situation having something like that crop up later and the child getting a surprise who their real father is. And also because it is so common a child in the center of a custody dispute to have the wrong person identified by the mother. It happens far more then people realize. Sometimes it is by accident, and other times it is deliberate. So getting that DNA test settles the matter once and for all - at least for you.

 

Stay strong. Don't forget this about the best interest of the child (it can be hard to remember that sometimes in the heat of conflict). And keep yourself healthy and sane. Keep your head above the craziness of the ex and her behaviors. If she is your daughter, she's going to need at least one parent who has their act together.

[Cheetarah]

She's not going to get sole legal. The only time it really happens is like when avman mentioned, or when the parents live a very significant distance apart. I have sole legal by default, and those are medical/school/health decisions. I make them all. The only reason I have it, is because it was a default judgment(though I probably would have still been awarded it given the significant distance between ex and I if that weren't the case). But...if you two fight over every single issue, it is possible the judge could award sole legal to one of the two of you. So don't make every single matter a fight. Pick your battles.

[ynguns251]

I hope you are both right on this because the last thing I need is for her to try and screw me even more with crap. I sometimes ask myself coud I have done anything different? But I cannotmove to IL and she refused to move in with me because it was to far away from her mom and her school and that basically says it all right? When she refused to invite my mom to the shower was just such a heartbreak to my mither and she has done nothing to her to be treated like this in anyway shape or form. The DNA testing place called and said they are having trouble getting a hold of her via phone and email. We have a court case on Nov 7thand the test has to be done no later then tomorrow. I hope she refuses to go it will help me out I would think. I cannot wait to get this over with and move forward in my life. I wanted a family and looks like this is not going to happen anytime soon but at least I did not commit to marriage or engagement for that would have really been a decline in my life.

[ynguns251]

Had court and everything is still the same. She waited to the 3rd to take the DNA test and the judge asked her "What is up with you holding off on the test?" she had no comment. I am appalled at the way this has turned out all I wanted was to have my last name as the childs after the DNA test. She constantly blames me for everything but the truth is I was always there for her through this whole situation and she is pissed at me because I did not get engaged to her and she had to tell everyone she was pregnant and like i said before I would have loved to be a family man but I cannot move to IL and keep my job and she had many more options then i did and refused all of them. I was told by my attorney that she wants me to pay all of her attorney fees and also have of her insurance premium for the child. I put the child on my insurance the day of birth as i was told by my attorney and it is $60.00 a month extra to add a dependent and hers is $480.00 I sure hope judge won't make me pay for her insurance that she put the child under and it was after mine and I advised her not to do so from the start unless this is because she does not know if child is mine.What do you think I should do I am stressed out I really am sick of this and hate her more than anyone I have ever hated.

[avman]

1. You need to stop hating her. I know that is easier said then done but it will show through to the judge. So swallow it and work out that frustration in other ways like exercise, yoga, mediation, or whatever you can think of.

 

2. Stay the course. You are doing fine. Let her hang herself to the judge. You need to demonstrate that you are the reasonable one and doing what you can for the best interest of the child. Her own actions will become obvious to the judge when she continually disrespects the court and ignores the judges orders. She can ask things of the court but that doesn't mean the court will grant them. Keep a calm position and just let your attorney speak about what you think is reasonable (that she pay her own attorney fees and that you've already put the child on your own health insurance and are paying those fees).

 

3. Take care of your own personal health. Don't let this consume you or it will end up destroying you from the inside. See your friends. Talk to your family. And keep living a healthy life.

[ynguns251]

Your right avian. I tried everything I truly did to make this work but she was so consumed on what others would think of her being a single mother that it overshadowed our relationship not to mention her mother was a tyrant and told her what to do on everything. I was appalled when I was kicked out of birthing room and also when her mom told her that i should buy an engagement ring for her at Macy's because she gets a discount and I could pay her mom for it. I said " no freaking way " and explained if i bought a ring I would do it on my own so I could put it on my insurance incase it was lost or stolen then she tells me that that is bull crap and I am looking for a way out. I just wanted others to see that this was extremely hard on me and I was there for her at almost every doctor visit and also birthing classes and this is how I get repaid.

[Hell_On_Heels]

Stop it. Seriously. Every time someone advises you to stay calm so that you are the rational one in court, you repeat a list of reasons why you hate her, how you've been done wrong. You get yourself riled up.

 

You need to own this. You made a bad choice by being with her. That's done now - you can't undo it. All you can do now is cope, stay in control of yourself, and make the best of it.

 

Here's the thing - the baby trumps both parents. The time for "she done me wrong" songs is over. The focus has to be on the baby. Hey, the mom sounds like a complete screwball to me, too, but even so, the baby is the priority.

 

And so far, you've gotten yourself all worked up only to find that the courts are being reasonable. They are trying to look after the baby's best interests. So long as you do, too, you will come out ok.

 

I'm not trying to be mean to you, but keeping yourself angry and miserable isn't helping anyone - except the mom. She wants you pushed over the edge.

 

Something to think about.

[Cheetarah]

You seem stuck on certain things. Things that...don't have to do with ANYTHING that is going on right now. Deal with those separately. Go to therapy if you aren't. But you hating her and engagement rings are not what the matters in court are about.

 

You're in big time victim mode right now. And you have to get out. I know you had a therapist before, are you still seeing them or can you? Feeding on your hate is not what you want or need when you're dealing with these legal matters. It's going to become a power struggle bred from your rage. The worst thing that can happen, really.

[Batya33]

How is that venting about the past helping you be a good parent to your child?

[Cheetarah]

His upset is valid. You can't just turn it off. He's emotionally stuck. And he does need help with it clearly because it is consuming him and leaving little energy and focus for dealing with the court stuff. It's stressful. And so is trying to grieve a broken dream of how you thought your family was going to turn out. They just...Need to be separated. Not ignored, or even pushed off to the side.

 

You need a place to work through it, OP. I really think you should go back to therapy if you haven't already.

[avman]

How is that venting about the past helping you be a good parent to your child?

 

I think it is better that he vent here rather then let that escape during court sessions or when trying to coparent his child.

 

But I'm with Cheetarah on the therapy recommendation. More intensive and personal help is totally warranted during a personal crisis like this. It can be incredibly taxing on the emotions and on mental health in general.

[Supernova1607309611]

I have known many people who have gone thru this kind of thing and it eventually does settle down because the judge will make a decision, settle the terms of custody, and from then on they will be enforced by the court and she can't stop you from seeing your child or she will be in contempt of court.

 

And the paternity WILL be settled soon, so just try to hang on a bit longer to find out whether the baby is yours or not. Of course she is avoiding that test if she is not sure whose baby it is, especially if the father is potentially someone who makes less money than you do or is unemployed or a dirt bag and hence she'd get less child support! But she can't avoid it forever, and as you've discovered she's finally done it and now you will find out soon. So try to pace yourself and recognize that this will get settled. It is nervewracking, so try to be kind to yourself and keep yourself busy with work and doing things with friends, doing hobbies, watching DVDs etc. It will get settled but never goes as fast as you'd like if she is resisting things. Eventually the judge will loose patience with her too if the she is not complying with the judge's orders or direction.

[Batya33]

I think it is better that he vent here rather then let that escape during court sessions or when trying to coparent his child.

 

But I'm with Cheetarah on the therapy recommendation. More intensive and personal help is totally warranted during a personal crisis like this. It can be incredibly taxing on the emotions and on mental health in general.

 

I agree with all of this and sorry for my post.

[ynguns251]

You are all right. I did make a mistake and yes I have to own up to it but it gets me upset how I am viewed by her family and friends. I did not do this purposely to her snd as I recall the saying " it takes two to tango " she is as much to blame as myself. I will bring this up one more time and say what you will but her keeping her last name for the child and wanting me to pay support is a slap ( hard ) in the face it is mire of a punch. If child is mine I will definitely request my name as her ladt name. Would you pay for insurance that did not have your name on it? I sure the heck would not. The truth is that there are so many deadbeat dads out there and have their last names on the child why can't a guy who wants to be a part of a childs life get this gift?

[journeynow]

If child is mine I will definitely request my name as her ladt name. Would you pay for insurance that did not have your name on it? I sure the heck would not.

I get what you are saying, but the insurance comparison doesn't fly. If the child is yours, it is yours no matter what her last name is, and how you behave as her father is more important to her, and you in the long run, than the name. "Would you pay for insurance that did not have your name on it?" Is that like asking if you'd raise a child who doesn't have your last name? I know plenty of women who have a different last name than their child, but are still 100% mothers.

[avman]

Would you pay for insurance that did not have your name on it?

 

The truth is that there are so many deadbeat dads out there and have their last names on the child why can't a guy who wants to be a part of a childs life get this gift?

 

Uh because it's not about you - it's about the child. If it's your child you pay the support, and you pay it because the child has needs that you are partially responsible for providing. REGARDLESS of what the child's name is.

[faraday]

I get what you're saying about the name thing.

 

I'm on the flip side of this. My daughter has her fathers last name. We split up shortly after she was born. I am her primary care giver. This means that I take her to every doctors appointment, school enrollment/function, and extracurricular activity...meaning...I do all the paperwork for her.

 

Her dad takes her once a week and they have fun together and eat ice cream- he's a great dad.

 

Every time I enroll her in something, I get called by her last name....or if they've seen my last name first, they just naturally add my last name to hers....it's confusing for people (surprisingly) when kids have different last names than their primary care giver. I'm sure your daughters mother sees that all the time, being a teacher.

 

If I could do it all over again....I would put my daughters last name as my last name. Not to be mean to her dad. She loves him, I still remember the love I had for him....we're friends...I wouldn't do it to hurt him because I like the guy....but I really wish she had my last name...it would make things so much less complicated in my life, and in hers.

 

So maybe don't think of it like...your ex is trying to ruin your life....and maybe look at it from the perspective as...she knows she's going to be the primary care giver...so she's making things simpler. My daughter gets asked all the time why we have different last names....and since she's with me 90% of the time, it gets asked way more than if things were reversed- if she had my last name and was still visiting her dad the 10% of her life.

 

Do you understand what I'm saying?

[Cheetarah]

Would you pay for insurance that did not have your name on it? I sure the heck would not. The truth is that there are so many deadbeat dads out there and have their last names on the child why can't a guy who wants to be a part of a childs life get this gift?

 

I'm trying to empathize with your struggles here but I don't even get this. This girl will be no lesser yours(if DNA proves as such) with Kelly's last name than she would be with yours.

 

By the way, Illinois is hyphenation friendly.

 

Did you read mine and avman's post about therapy?

[Hell_On_Heels]

Why is it important what her friends and family think? Are they important to you? Do you respect their opinions?

 

Agreed - it takes two to tango. However rude, I'm simply not concerned with her anger. It can boil her up and have her for dinner, I'm fine with that. This woman has done everything possible to make you miserable. That means she isn't worth your spit, much less this amount of emotion. Yet you are giving her exactly what she wants. Stop feeding the beast.

 

It may turn out that she has biological mental problems, and she's doing the best she can. I don't know. Maybe there is a way you can find forgiveness for her some day. That just isn't the issue right now.

 

I hear a lot of pride talking. Pride is your enemy. Dignity and self respect are your friends. Pick your battles carefully here, because it looks like you are in for a few more battles before you're done.

 

Why is it so important that the baby have your name? why is this killing you?

 

Every parent here is telling you it's not that important. Sometimes you've gotta take it on faith from those who know. The day that little girl is overcome with love for you, and willingly puts her tiny arms around your neck, presses her face to yours, and tells you she loves you....that's what's important. It won't matter what she's called. The love between a parent and child is so profound it'll near break your heart. It'll make you a better person. It'll make you cry and laugh and fear and hope and conquer dragons...and somehow her name just doesn't come into it.

 

If you stay angry, the court will see it eventually. It'll be used against you. You have a choice - don't give away that power. If you do, your daughter will suffer for it as well as you. But of anyone, she is the true innocent here.

 

Go run, or kickbox, or hit a punching bag. Do whatever it takes to get that rage and pride out. Therapy is a great idea, but I'd still combine it with some full on hard physical exercise to force the demons that plague you out.

 

Here is another thing you might not like, but need to hear. It's not about you any more. You're a parent now. Grit your teeth and give your best for your baby. When it gets hard, remember what you are doing and who you are doing it for. This isn't a war between you and your ex. This is FOR your baby.

[ynguns251]

Hi all I have received news that I am in fact the father and I feel relieved as weird as it may sound. I have actually been communicating with her now more as she seems to be scared that i am trying to take the daughter away from her. I would never do anything to hurt my daughter and now that i know she is mine she will be my little princess forever. I am scared because I have never had a child before and want to be the best Dad I can possibly be giving the current circumstances. I need advice on what I should do my lawyer wants me to get immediate overnights but I feel that I need more quality time with her before this happens. kel refuses to let her come to my house and says it's cold outside and I cannot expect her to be brought out into the elements. I want my family to see her and cannot do so only by her staying at her house. She states she will not pump the milk and that I am selfish to expect her to do so to suit my needs. I need advice I even asked her to go to counseling so we can be good parents but she says I am the one with the problem and the one who started all this drama.

[Cheetarah]

Your daughter is like 4 months, yes?

 

I see where you are coming from, given you have not had a lot of time with her. I think it'd be really good for you two to be more acclimated to one another before having overnights, too. Especially as, she is 4 months old and you live about an hour away frm one another. Your attorney is pushing the boundaries, it seems like he has done that since day 1. I feel like he's just trying to get some bang for his buck.

 

Okay, well Kelly has another thing coming if she thinks she can use breastfeeding as a reason not to let you have time with your daughter. She can absolutely pump or supplement with formula. Time with dad trumps method of feeds. And yes, she can do it now at 4 months and it's not going to ruin the breastfeeding relationship. Though it may be difficult if she's never had a bottle, so I think it'd be really good to have some home visits where YOU give her the bottle(lots of times a baby won't take a bottle from mom because they want the breast but will take from someone else).

 

She's 4 months, she can be brought "into the elements". Newsflash, babies born into the winter go "into the elements" when they leave the hospital, lol.

 

Okay, so some questions: Do you have a car seat? Do you have things at your home for a baby? Crib/playpen, diapers and wipes, a bedroom or area for her, things for feedings, clothing, sleepers, etc? Is your house "baby ready" at all?

[ynguns251]

Thanks I am not against her being breastfed but she plans on doing it for a year and I am puzzled does she think that she can prolong the feeding to keep her at home or what? I will try my hardest to work with her and to be honest she has been a lot nicer since test came back and now she will have to work with me not against. I think my attorney has been awesome and she even had asked her lawyers to talk as a team to settle this but "No go" Kel has even said that she advised her attorney that we were going to sit down and settle but her attorney said she was " making a huge mistake and that i will pay all her lawyer fees because she is off work" (which is by her choice after maternity ) I said this could have been over with in freaking october but her lawyers chose to fight everything I requested which was by law my right as I found out. I talked to her a few hours ago and we were very nice to each other and I said I told my lawyer we wanted to solve this through a sit down and see how it goes. I am comprisable but the question is "is she?"

[Cheetarah]

What about your home? Do you have things for your daughter? Car seat?

 

You are much better off settling this amongst yourselves or going to mediation rather than letting a judge decide for you. I hope you two are able to work together. What do you mean, you want to do it alone? Sans your attorney?