Lovelavie Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months now. I love him very much and I feel that he feels the same towards me. Before we met each other, he had an ex about 4 years ago and has been single ever since. Except for some time in between, he met a girl which he liked and wanted to be in a relationship with her, but she dumped him for another guy. They were just seeing each other but he told me it was the only other girl he had liked since his ex and before me. Well, anyway, I had no problem with that whatsoever, he didn't know me after all. However, I saw that he still looks at this girl's facebook page. Like, every once or twice in a month... I never checked his stuff, I never wanted to invade his privacy and I didn't even wanna know what he was looking at (I think it was best this way), so I was never really the snoopy type with this. However, this weekend I spent the night at his house, and when he was doing other stuff, I searched his history. I KNOW I KNOW! I understand I am wrong about this and technically I have no right to do this, but after 8 months for some reason I was just curious, I wasn't even expecting this really, there was even some porn and I found it funny... The thing is, I was expecting anything, you know, naked pictures of women on the internet (like porn or anything), stuff about cars, youtube etc... but when I saw her name on it several times, it made me really upset. Like, if he really loves me and acts all nice towards me, why would he still check her page? I feel insecure that he misses her or something because she was the one who dumped him... When I ask him about facebook he says he doesn't even like it and he likes to look at news about cars, but hates looking at other people's lives... Yeah right. He even said that he wanted to delete his facebook page. I feel like I should've never looked through his history page, but now that I did, I just can't get it out of my head. I mean, I seriously would rather have him look at "hot" women just for the sake of it rather than looking at a crush from the past. And she was the name that came up the most I don't know what to do... I feel like if I confront him he'll get mad at me and lie about it, given that he always says he's not very fond of social media, but ever since the thought keeps coming to my head and I wanted to know why he still does this... Link to comment
jjkk Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 I see no reason to confront him about it. It could be simple curiosity. I occasionally check out my ex's FB page just out of curiosity. I completely love my bf and have absolutely no desire to get back w/ this guy at all. As long as your relationship is good and you're happy in, let this go, it's not a big deal! Don't read too much into it and make yourself crazy or sabotage your relationship. Link to comment
Cynder Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 First of all, I know you already know it was wrong to search his history, so I am not going to lecture you about that. But I will say this, if you go looking, you will find something. It's practically Murphy's law. I can see this from several angles. I understand why you are upset. My boyfriend's ex who he hasn't talked to in years is still his friend on facebook. He still has tons of tagged photos with her posted, etc. It annoys me... But, on the other hand, I know he has a right to keep her on his friends list and keep those pics up, so I've just learned to deal with it and not be upset. Pick your battles. People are naturally curious about what their exes are up to. Occasionally I still look at my ex's Twitter account, mainly because I find it hilarious that all he does is talk about wanting to be an actor/model and find an agent, yet he's 36 years old, overweight, and balding. And I dated him over a decade ago, just for the record. So, on one hand I see why you are upset. But on the other, it probably means nothing. He is probably just curious. Link to comment
Lovelavie Posted July 17, 2014 Author Share Posted July 17, 2014 Yeah, I understand it could be just curiosity. But I wish he was honest with me, instead of saying he doesn't like FB and doesn't use it for anything (meaning: nothing but looking up his ex). I wanted honesty from him and that's not what I got. I'm also scared that if I confront him, and I find out it's more than just curiosity, I probably won't be able to stay in the relationship even though everything has been going so well for the past months and I do not want to end it (more reasons to why I don't understand his attitude). I feel like I put so much faith in this relationship that if something goes wrong, I won't be able to pick myself up. She's a pretty girl and the thought of him missing another girl that he wanted to be with but couldn't just kills me, like wanting something you can't have so you just stick with what you have. I feel like a second plan. Insecurities and all. Part of me wants to let it go, but the other part of me wants to know if it's really just curiosity or something else. Link to comment
oitnb Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 Morbid curiosity. I look at old exs pages sometimes, it's just that plain and simple. Nothing more nothing less. I'm sure most people do it as well (even if they don't admit it) Stop snooping. Link to comment
amipushy Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 If you continue to think like this you will let it grow in your mind bigger and bigger (I mean, look at where your mind has already taken you just because he is nosey from time to time, its ridiculous!) and accuse him of something stupid like still being in love with her, it will offend him, he will also realise you have been snooping and will get pissed about it and may dump you for lack of trust in him. The very thing you are afraid of. And for no reason at all. Its human nature to be curious but it doesnt mean he is in love with her. He is in love with you and so what if he is a bit nosey once or twice a month, forgive him for being human and get on with your life together. LET IT GO. Link to comment
SpottiOtti Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 Let it go. Unless there are other things in your relationship that indicate his mind and heart do not belong to you? What made you want to snoop in the first place? I wanted honesty from him and that's not what I got. Come on. What was he supposed to say, "I'm not that into FB but occasionally I look up my ex out of curiosity?" I get where you are coming from, but if you don't let this go it will drive a wedge between you. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 Yeah, I understand it could be just curiosity. But I wish he was honest with me, instead of saying he doesn't like FB and doesn't use it for anything (meaning: nothing but looking up his ex). I wanted honesty from him and that's not what I got. Unless you go to him and admit that you were snooping on his facebook history for no good reason and now it's bothering you, then you aren't being honest either. Hypocrisy isn't pretty. I think you should either decide to let it go or approach him from the perspective that you know you did something wrong and now both what you did and what you found are eating at you and you are hoping for some reassurance. Link to comment
Doc Blaze Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 Yeah, I understand it could be just curiosity. But I wish he was honest with me, instead of saying he doesn't like FB and doesn't use it for anything (meaning: nothing but looking up his ex). I wanted honesty from him and that's not what I got. yeahhhhh...this will not go well if you approach it this way..because you snooped or did you already forget that...so you both technically werent honest.. Link to comment
Lovelavie Posted July 17, 2014 Author Share Posted July 17, 2014 I know I wasn't honest with him, I've never done this before. I've checked his phone but with his permission (like, looking at his pics and stuff) and I never wanted his FB password even though he offered it and spelled it out to me one day but I didn't want to hear it. In my last relationship my ex and I had each other's passwords and it was a gateway to a lot of useless arguments which led to nowhere so I told myself that in a future relationship I wouldn't do this again. However, if I were to talk to him about this, I would tell him what I did and apologize, but also tell him that he was just as wrong... I'm pretending I didn't see anything because I don't want to ruin things, they are good as they are, but I just wish he had forgotten her already, once or twice a month after 8 months in a relationship where everything seems to be fine is just weird to me... Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 However, if I were to talk to him about this, I would tell him what I did and apologize, but also tell him that he was just as wrong... I'm pretending I didn't see anything because I don't want to ruin things, they are good as they are, but I just wish he had forgotten her already, once or twice a month after 8 months in a relationship where everything seems to be fine is just weird to me... What did he do that was wrong? I think your last sentence is telling. Why are you wanting to govern his thoughts? It's not at all wrong that he thinks about her. It's wrong that you want to criminalize his thoughts. Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted July 19, 2014 Share Posted July 19, 2014 In my last relationship my ex and I had each other's passwords and it was a gateway to a lot of useless arguments which led to nowhere so I told myself that in a future relationship I wouldn't do this again. You've already had the experience of useless arguments over nothing. To be honest, it sounds as though you're doing the same thing now - though it's one-sided, with you making mountains out of molehills and effectively escalating things in your own mind, rather than him arguing with you. I think with this one you can safely put it in the pile of 'useless arguments you don't want to have' and forget it. Otherwise it sounds suspiciously as though you were trying to catch him out. I check an ex's Facebook page most days, and he still reads my blog every day - including after we'd split up (eight years ago) and he was absolutely besotted with someone else. It means nothing beyond idle curiosity. The fact that your guy isn't particularly into Facebook also suggests that it means nothing to him. So stop trying to convince yourself that there are problems where none exist! Link to comment
LC8328 Posted July 19, 2014 Share Posted July 19, 2014 You're going to drive yourself crazy thinking about this. It's unfair that you're upset about something he potentially did, without talking to him about it or giving him the chance to make you feel better. So...my opinion, you either have to chalk it up as a lesson learned, or tell him what you did and ask him about it. If you don't do either of these things...you are going to keep dwelling on it and it'll fester inside you. Link to comment
AutumnBorn Posted July 19, 2014 Share Posted July 19, 2014 He isn't calling her. He isn't texting her. He's just checking to see if she's OK without making contact. They have history. It's normal to care about the wellbeing of an ex and to not want to make contact, but to appease the desire to make sure all is well. Sounds like he was right not to tell you…you're upset and a wee bit insecure. If he were checking daily…yeah, there'd be a problem. Once every couple of months or even twice a month, not a problem at all. Link to comment
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