Diary Of A Redhead

[mylolita]

On 5/8/2021 at 9:28 PM, BecxyRex said:

We’re in a similar boat, Lo, regarding a move to the country. I get your ambivalence on wanting a small town, village school sort of atmosphere for the kids, but sort of needing a bit of the city glam. I’m so there with you. We’re also considering a move out somewhere. Housing where we are is unaffordable and a part of me longs for a simpler life. I’ve been a city girl all my life so I’m trying to find a spot that allows me my stupid luxury spa treatments (massages, facials), trips to big organic grocery stores that I love and access to nice restaurants. I’m also totally cool with a cute little village Biergarten or something where everyone meets up on the weekend. Trying to find THAT spot. It’s hard since we’re having the same time crunch with needing to find a good school for our daughter. It’s a weird time for sure! Hang in there, I’m sure it’ll all turn out great! 

Sexy Becxyyyy! 
 

Weird!!! Isn’t it JUST! Thanks for the support, oh man, well, whichever way it goes, caviar, chicken, or cream crackers 😉 We’ll see. Money comes and goes, at the moment I am happy we all have our health. Corny as that sounds.

 

The thought of packing up this big old house, two toddlers, a baby bump, my husband and a lifetime of material things is literally keeping me up at night. It’s nearly 2 in the morning. Arrrrrrgghhhh!

 

Lo x

[mylolita]

On 5/8/2021 at 7:32 PM, Jibralta said:

I am not in a rush about it. I actually plan to have the business during my retirement years. 

Jibralta!

 

Always lovely to hear from you! 
 

People who are natural business men and women in my humble experience don’t decide when and where to pick up on this talent and start utilising it. Normally if you speak to anyone with a very successful business that has lasted at least 10 years and over they were born that way and have dabbled with their own businesses or working for themselves or money making schemes since childhood! They are also often workaholics! 
 

So just a word of caution to this tale - I understand your profession may seem different to say, buying and selling property or owning a manufacturing company or something like that but, retirement is when I imagine you want to lay down, chill, and relax with your hard earned nest egg, right? Like normal, sane people do 😉

 

Having, running, and setting up your own business - honestly, you will never work harder, be more stressed, juggle more financial pressures and have more people (due to employing them) with their problems to manage and deal with and logistics than ever before in your life!

 

With that said! I am not here to trash a life plan and I do genuinely say best best best of luck with any business future plans Jib! Just trying to throw you a curve ball of experience here from being the wife of one of those risk taking loons! To not go in with expectations, I suppose is what I am trying to say. Make sure you can afford to potentially have it fail. The secret to risk taking is kind of, educated risk taking and taking risks you can afford to lose. But!!! I am sure you already know this 😘

 

Hope you are doing great,

Lo x

[mylolita]

On 5/8/2021 at 7:15 PM, maritalbliss86 said:

Yes, it makes sense to me.  We're kind of in the middle, but I'm familiar with what you're talking about.

Most people who finally, "make it," with their businesses had to continuously keep pouring almost everything in... since he's so well mentioned here   even Elon Musk had to pour in his fortune he made when selling off Paypal (21 million) to finance his other projects, which he had a feeling would totally tank!  I'm sure he has to fund a lot of his projects still as well... it's like a never-ending thing and very stressful. 

So yes, I get it that doing your own business means taking risks and is a completely different ballgame than what normal people do.  Just saying if you wanted to free up your mortgage (if you have a mortgage), scaling down and buying in cash is a quick, easy way for the most part.  Ditto with selling expensive cars and buying what you need in cash. 🙂

 

Good evening Marital!

 

Always the best to hear from you! 
 

And yes, that is all sensible stuff isn’t it! I know! Those are the things my Dad has told my husband for 14 years! Ha! 
 

Ever heard of a guy called David Siegel? The timeshare king? He is one of the richest guys in America and he still has a mortgage on his house. I know, it sounds insane. This is the thing, everything normal is backwards. We could pay off our house yes, but it’s even better to use that money still to turn it around and then make more off that. It’s probably all wrong and totally illogical but you just keep ploughing almost everything you have back into your company. You don’t want savings, you want assets. When you have cash, it’s almost a bad sign. When you have stock, good! No cash but lots of stock means sell more stock get more cash then buy more stock all over again! If you “cash out” then you stop the game. 
 

Don’t get me wrong, I basically live half scared to death and my husband is probably another 5 years from a heart attack which is why the conversations to jump off the hamster wheel have been happening. It’s quite hard to have it all. You either have to sell up and leave that lifestyle behind or carry on, it’s very hard due to what my husband does to dip one toe in and keep the other foot out. I wish it was different some days, I do.

 

Lo x

[mylolita]

Insomnia insomnia go away, you’ve never been here before so why now, come again another day.

 

No scrap that, never come back! I don’t want to see you round here! 
 

This is taking the biscuit. I don’t mind staying up late as a lil late night owl but, I like it to be my choice and mine alone. No fun.

 

Bambino is having a party. Time - 3:30 am. Location - bump city. They think they are John Travolta on the multi-coloured dance floor tonight. Oh Gawd, not another hyper one!!! Mama needs some rest. 

 

Lo x

[Jibralta]

8 hours ago, mylolita said:

With that said! I am not here to trash a life plan and I do genuinely say best best best of luck with any business future plans Jib! Just trying to throw you a curve ball of experience here from being the wife of one of those risk taking loons! To not go in with expectations, I suppose is what I am trying to say. Make sure you can afford to potentially have it fail. 

No, I get it. I know it's ass-backwards in terms of 'traditional' entrepreneurship (oxymoron?). But my priority isn't money-making, it's long term happiness. I measure my wealth in terms of what brings me joy, and I've run life-improvement and happiness-making schemes since I was a kid. And yes, I have moments of harried non-happiness for sure. But it's part of the process of getting to where I need to be. 

Also, I should add that I've always been a business-magnet. Yes, magnet (not magnate!). Even as an elementary school kid, my classmates (and their parents) were always trying to pay me to design posters and decorate binders and book covers. And to the exasperation of many adults, I usually refused the money and did these things for free.

For the last 14 years, I've almost always had a side-job available to me, and more often than not, I turn the jobs down because they impose on my quality of life. I guess what I'm saying is, I've never worried about getting business, and don't ever want to worry about it. Based on past experience (and I could be a fool! But I'll risk it), I believe the business will be there when I want it. My focus now is learning to manage it in a risk-free environment (i.e., working for others).

[Seraphim]

22 hours ago, mylolita said:

Seraphim!

 

To what do I owe this pleasure?! I thought my journal was too offensive for you? 😉

 

I didn’t realise you would be reading my low brow drivel! You must be feeling very sorry for my husband 😉 God knows someone has too!

 

Anyway, I’m just teasing, I hope you’re well 😉 And of course. If you are only putting in half, you are far far farrrr more sensible than us!

 

Lo x

I don’t feel we are enemies at all . It was a disagreement in point of view. 
 

We are well, just in move mode . 

[mylolita]

Doing it again, 1:30 in the morning, I can’t, can’t, can’t sleep. What is wrong with me?! 
 

This is so weird. I never have this problem, ever. I feel like something is changing or, I don’t know. Maybe I am more worried or stressed than I will admit or even realise? 
 

Need to stop looking at my phone, need to stop getting into big late night discussions with D and then going to sleep with my brain in wind up mode instead of wind down. 
 

Getting up with the babies on an hour or two of sleep is really no joke, not second time round anyway.

 

Whyyyyyyy? Why why whyyyyy are you doing this brrrrraaaaaain. 
 

Need a switch off button. Need to order one. Note to self.

 

Lo x
 

 

[mylolita]

On 6/4/2021 at 10:39 AM, Jibralta said:

No, I get it. I know it's ass-backwards in terms of 'traditional' entrepreneurship (oxymoron?). But my priority isn't money-making, it's long term happiness. I measure my wealth in terms of what brings me joy, and I've run life-improvement and happiness-making schemes since I was a kid. And yes, I have moments of harried non-happiness for sure. But it's part of the process of getting to where I need to be. 

Also, I should add that I've always been a business-magnet. Yes, magnet (not magnate!). Even as an elementary school kid, my classmates (and their parents) were always trying to pay me to design posters and decorate binders and book covers. And to the exasperation of many adults, I usually refused the money and did these things for free.

For the last 14 years, I've almost always had a side-job available to me, and more often than not, I turn the jobs down because they impose on my quality of life. I guess what I'm saying is, I've never worried about getting business, and don't ever want to worry about it. Based on past experience (and I could be a fool! But I'll risk it), I believe the business will be there when I want it. My focus now is learning to manage it in a risk-free environment (i.e., working for others).

Jibralta babes!

 

“And to the exasperation of many adults, I usually refused the money and did these things for free.”

 

And this, my dear Jibralta, is why you are just too nice and not greedy enough to go into the mad mans world of going it alone 🥲

 

No but I jest, I wish you all the best! All the self employed people I know are almost allergic to working for anyone else and can’t take it for anymore than a few years to a decade max. But! You seem to be able to have a foot in one world and a foot in another and as you say, it’s not necessarily success and money you are after but happiness and for that I say, what you are doing now sounds perfect and makes you happy and I say kudos, that is a balance not many people get right in their lives.

 

My husband worked for one company once, the only time he ever worked for anyone in his life. He had no qualifications in the area he was working in, but within 2 years there got his hands on the second highest position in the company and was the youngest to ever do it too, but! It was all mostly sales driven. All the while he was setting up his own business and left as soon as he could, I think after 3 years. 
 

He deals in speciality high value items now - art, antiques, fossils, natural history, sculpture, etc. This is obviously a lot different to an academic profession although his art and history knowledge is vast and he can pretty much give you the Latin name for most animals! As sedate and snobby as this area of deals can seem to the outside eye it is very cut throat and ruthless. I have met some insanely interesting people through his work though.

 

And not bad considering he walked out of school at 15 with no qualifications because he was already buying and selling on CD’s then and burning/illegally copying computer games with a friend and was making more money than his sister at the time who had come out of university with a great degree and career. I remember him telling me he couldn’t stand them treating him like a kid, being told what to do and also he didn’t want to waste his time taking the exams because he knew they wouldn’t do anything for him anyway. 
 

After constantly being surrounded in life through his work with basically glorified “wheelers and dealers” ranging from people who set up HSBC banks in Hong Kong to software developers who sold their companies to property developers and authors and bohemians and ex models and their director ex husbands and on and on I can say that these people have never once tread the “safe path” or “steady road” and that they are all, in their own way, a little insane! Doesn’t mean it won’t work out for you but I do notice a definite set of personality traits amongst them.
 

Anyway, eccentric characters aside, I don’t mean to come across pessimistic or jaded about your business goals Jib! I do wish you all the best! I don’t know you obviously, just from the odd interactions you just seem too sweet for that world, and, I mean that as a big compliment, not as a put down in anyway.

 

I am curious about your well being classes! What is it that you do? A seminar type situation? 

 

Lo x

[mylolita]

On 6/4/2021 at 11:59 PM, Seraphim said:

I don’t feel we are enemies at all . It was a disagreement in point of view. 
 

We are well, just in move mode . 

That’s alright Seraphim 😉

 

Lo x

[itsallgrand]

I'd have a ball seeing the treasures in your house! 

It sounds like this baby is a rumbunctious one already lol. I hope you get some sleep though. 

[Jibralta]

11 hours ago, mylolita said:

you just seem too sweet for that world, and, I mean that as a big compliment, not as a put down in anyway.

Ahahaha I do give some people that impression. Many don't see me coming, it's true. I've always had a girly, angelic type of look to me, which tends to reinforce it. 

11 hours ago, mylolita said:

I am curious about your well being classes! What is it that you do? A seminar type situation? 

Not classes, my statement was a little misleading. My "schemes" are limited to my own life. They have all been personal goals set for myself after periods of reflection. But it's been my focus for a very long time.

[mylolita]

On 6/6/2021 at 3:11 AM, itsallgrand said:

I'd have a ball seeing the treasures in your house! 

It sounds like this baby is a rumbunctious one already lol. I hope you get some sleep though. 

Hey itsallgrand!

Why thank you dear, you would be absolutely MORE THAN WELCOME! Although, there is nothing more common than doing a "tour of the house" but, I'm not above it 😉

Are you into anything in particular? 

Lo x

[mylolita]

It all started off about a week ago when my Dad sat across the room from me, half laughed and said, "I'm glad I'm not married to you."

I had put the kids down on their naps and we were having what began as a casual conversation. My Dad is KING of the most phoney, lame, horrible and forced small talk you wouldn't even wish on your worse enemy. Makes you want to say something totally outrageous just to zap him out of his fake zombie gauntlet of questions he doesn't even care for the answer too.

Anyway, this is how it started out. He asked me how I was. I said, sick of bills. Have bills coming out of our ears. Really what I meant was, completely stressed financially and personally, feeling unstable and unsure about our future, heavily pregnant, not wanting to be bothered by any of it and especially not wanting to be asked to take a turn through the pleasantry mill by my socially awkward father.

D came in around this time and I just pressed on and explained we were under a bit of stress (not that he would have any real clue), and that, oh ho ho ho, I make a small joke, D will be losing the hair on his eyebrows next because I keep making demands on him. That's when my Dad said the next piece.

Now I don't know why, but I found it creepy, and cutting, all at the same time. I didn't like it, not one bit. He then went on:

"I always think, I'm glad I married your mother because she never pressured me to go further and she never wanted more. She has always been happy with what we've had..." and everything else he followed on with kind of echoed away as my mind instantly drifted into young childhood memories I had almost forgotten even happened of, my Mum in tears because my Dad had opened up their monthly credit card bill and she had gone over or, tears and stress as he discovered in the cupboard low and behold, a branded version of a food thing. I thought, you complete and utter b********r. Typical, typical, typical. My Mum always wanted more but was too pathetic and submissive to ever express that.

My Mum is weak. My Mum took what she was always given without question. My Mum is very stupid, on paper and to talk too. My Mum is devious, mischievous, meddling and b****y. Without a spine or brain of her own, she has only confronted her wants and needs to my father what seems like quick little flashes in the windscreen on a rainy night from a passing bus. And my Dad was the puddle, coming up to soak the pedestrian. And that pedestrian was and is, my Mum.

All at once I wish, like always, I never said anything. Why give them a shred. Why. They always use it to simply attack you with it. People seem to ignite in delight at any sign of struggle or discontent. People all along the close edges of my life, seemingly wiling me, hoping, for my failure. Or similar, to say, I told you so, I was right, I have the correct way, now don't you go trying to go do what you want and live how you want again. Rules are rules. And my rules, rule.

I brush it off. I don't even defend myself. Why should I, I have nothing to apologise for. But the fights later on were because maybe I thought, in a horrible attack of rare conscience, that I DO have something to apologise for. And definitely not to someone like my Dad, but to my husband. 

The night kind of erupted in a horrible battle of words between me and D. Me saying how unhappy I was with everything, how stressed I felt, how unsatisfied and feeling like a total a*****e I was still living in this house and continuing our lifestyle that we apparently can no longer afford. It ended in me, being held by my husband, crying pathetically like a pregnant, spunky and spoilt 31 year old woman girl can only do whilst looking up to the chandelier above my head thinking, "F**k you, Jonathan Adler. F**k you."

I thought that was the end, and probably so did D. Wrong. Once I get going, the pity party doesn't seem to stop, the train leaves the station but carries on somewhere else and it's a rolling buffet in the carriage and I CAN'T GET OFF and I CAN'T STOP taking a bite outta it. It's horrible. And completely shameful when the morning comes and you wake up with the memory of what you said and how you behaved and how you sounded. But still, I do it. 

Argument seemed to climax as we headed up another two floors and decided to take it up into the higher parts of the house where D asked my back, "What are you DOING?!" 

He can see me frantically rummaging around in the spare lead drawer of this antique chest and the whole thing is pulled out and I'm dishevelled and trying to unwind and cast free this laptop charger from the binds of the rest of all the other cables. Through my dramatic but very real at the time tears I managed to get out, "Getting the laptop charger!" And he says, "GOD WHY?!" And he probably thinks I want to hang myself with it or something. 

Pathetically I suddenly have realised, at 3am or even later than that, in the middle of an existential crisis, I am going to solve all our financial problems, take control finally of my life and start writing a frickin' novel because secretly I'm Charles b****y ***ens with curly red hair and I'm no longer going to be held back by him, aka the husband, my father, my cats mother mother or my sarcastic loser sister or my fake friends or my own desires or fears or any of it and this is obviously the way and by the way, yeah, YOU DON'T OWN ME I CAN MAKE IT ON MY OWN. So there.

You can see why I want to die in the morning when the sedate, pleasant English sun creeps through the windows and welcomes in another cereal and orange juice family day. And I have to go on with this in the knowledge of the display I put on the night before. Undoable and cannot be undone, which is the worst thing about all of it.

This was a whole week back. I don't know why I do it to myself. I invite my dreaded parents round again and I knew, dammit I just knew, I should never. I woke up in the worst mood. Dreadfully exhausted. I just wanted a day or half a days break. I just wanted to be with the kids with nothing much to do, or have D take them off me for a smidge so I could wallow in bed, try and nap and have the luxury of feeling sorry for myself.

I let my Dad help me. At the end of the day, knowing we are going to be moving in the near future he says, "Please Lola, don't pick an old house for your next move. You won't have us there to pick up the pieces."

Infuriated. They hardly help me and I never ask for it. We would rather pay for even basic jobs to be done then get my Dad to chip in with the odd end of DIY or screw tightening or whatever. I was furious all over again. Sounds of criticism filling my head.

I think I am very raw at the moment. Everything is offending me. I am taking everything highly, highly personal. Everything is an attack on my morals and character and life choices and I feel sheer anger bubbling up inside me at this perceived threat. I just wanted to tell him to forget it. It's a good job it's not his life and it's a good job it's not his money and it's a good job I never ask your help or even care to have you live close by anyway! Hell, I WANT to move further away! It would be a PRIZE.

Jesus! 

This house is well over 200 years old. It's beautiful. I love old buildings. Maybe they don't love me. I have an upkeep battle I have bitterly but respectfully waged with this property for over 6 years now. For their presence and elegance their structures need a bit of upkeep. But my God. Why can't they just say, it's looking great or, well done or, how about, not telling me kids how to act. How dare you. How about, answer the calls from your own 94 year old mother so she doesn't have to ring me distressed, because you play games and refuse to answer her for 4 days straight, and then smirk at me when I ask about it, and then tell Dad, within ear shot, that "Lola doesn't understand" as if I'm some idiot dummy who never spent a day growing up in this weird show of a family.

Finding irritation in so many things and so many people. I always do, shoot me down, maybe I'm a horrible person. I'm tired of trying to pretend I like everyone I meet. God, I definitely do not and why should I, even if they are my own parents. Maybe I should comment on their living situations and their life choices and see how they take it.

I wish I never told them anything. I mentioned I will probably have a home birth in about a month and a half, when our little wiggles is due. To my face, yes yes, great idea. Then I get texts streaming in all the next few days about, have you thought this through, why don't you go to a hospital, why this, why that.

Why don't you please, respectfully, kindly, and dearly - shut up.

I thank you.

Sincerely, the mega b***h,

Lo x

[mylolita]

Been thinking a lot like I do and especially when I get melancholy.

I don't know why some people seem to like me. Through all my obvious faults and ravings and selfishness. Why and how? I swear, it sometimes seems almost sexual. I get some kind of sexual tension vibe going on. This is often from girls.

I once met another Mum who had lolled casually in her arms what looked like a small baby but on instant second glance was obviously older but had something developmentally wrong. Wrongly or rightly, I felt pity well up from my stomach teamed with a kind of revulsion for this hippy lady before me. She was a bit younger looking than me, sloppy and messy, her pram seat covered in crumbs and food and the wheels I saw, a lovely lick of dog poo nudged into the treads. Bra strap slumped down over her shoulder, dark red hair scooped up in a hurried banana clip with spiked straight pieces poking and spilling out the gaps of the plastic. Bright blue eye makeup smudged on, odd miss matched, brightly coloured socks, rock climbing trainers.

We got talking like chalk and cheese. I knew she was very friendly and my first impression of her was; childlike, but extremely lovely and kind, and I felt bad for how I felt towards her. I didn't feel worthy talking to her. I definitely didn't plan on becoming friends. I knew she was a better person than me straight away. I wasn't hesitant because of her son or how she looked, that didn't really matter to me really, but, I knew our personalities were a million solar systems away. She had this innocence to her, it kinda hit you in the face, made you want to take her in, shield her forever and also warn her of the perils of life all at once. 

She attached herself to me like I was a celebrity and she was heading up the fan club. Everytime I went to the library with my son and my brand new lil baby girl, she would shower me endlessly and embarrassingly with over the top, gushing compliments. She wanted my advice and opinion on everything. She tried to copy me. It pained me. It made me dreadfully sad.

She got taking to calling me which I liked at first, never had someone who wanted to talk to me for hours over the phone but it started feeling like she was getting something from me I knew nothing about and I was left feeling as if I'd paid out or something weird. Besides the point, I once told her she shouldn't ever put herself down because honestly, you are really great and pretty and don't ever feel you are less than that. I really meant it as well. She did have a natural, unaware and carefree beauty.

Sometimes, I would find myself wishing I was more like her, wanting her advice, kind of, envying her life in some ways, but it was always mixed with this horrible pity and I just knew I couldn't pity a true friend. And why should she have my pity anyway?! She probably pitied me. I was no better than her in any way. The dynamic was all wrong.

She once turned to me and said, joyously, with these girlie crush eyes all big and lit up that, "It's very rare you meet someone as exciting as you."

I didn't know what to say. I've had some blinders in my time but exciting, I don't think I am. I have been told glamorous, but for some reason, I never really take that as the compliment it is intended to be. It always makes me think "glamorous = conceited" and they have seen right through me all at once into my shallow soul.

The bitter part of all of this is we fell out, like I always do with pretty much every other mother I've ever met or who kind of, attaches themselves too me. It wasn't even her fault. It never is. She was just being her. She had her opinions, I had mine, they didn't match on certain things and one day I cruelly told her I didn't want to hear it and that was that.

A couple of rainy, dull months passed. I knew she would be manically and addictively running every morning and would stop when she got to our house. I found a wet envelope fallen in front of our door one morning. It was a card from her. In childish scrawl: "I hope you are well. Thinking of you, love...." and she had doodled in her naive and innocent style a basic picture of her, her husband and her son, waving. I can't tell you how sad it made me feel.

After our argument and how wrong I had been, she still wanted to be there and talk with me and send me her silly drawings and honestly, it just broke my heart. I knew we would never work but it made me think, it's not her, it's me. I'm the problem. I'm the childish one. 

Too proud to write her back. 

All she ever said was, "You're so cool, you're so cool..."

x

 

[dias]

1 hour ago, mylolita said:

 yeah, YOU DON'T OWN ME I CAN MAKE IT ON MY OWN. So there.

🙂

I think I mentioned this before, you got the talent, use it. Anger is good enough motivator to make you start something but then it's about discipline and consistency. You are already way ahead since you got the talent. I am curious to see how this could play out. Maybe you will be the next J. K. Rowling... 

I can picture you exasperated with your curly red hair saying the above words and I smile. It's sexy!

54 minutes ago, mylolita said:

I don't know why some people seem to like me. Through all my obvious faults and ravings and selfishness. Why and how? 

This is easy to answer. I don't know if they like you but I am certain you tend to attract people due to your intensity. People with intensity and some emmmm... temper are intriguing. Not necessarily good or bad, that's just how it is. I read your posts and I never read walls of text (except yours and Jib's)

 

[LaHermes]

54 minutes ago, mylolita said:

I don't know why some people seem to like me. Why and how?

I so understand you Lolita.  People are drawn to me (talking IRL here), and always were. Aaah, so often have heard that: "I wish I could be like you".  "You aren't afraid of anything". etc. etc.  I keep strict boundaries in place.  Much as I feel compassion for so many (like your story of that hippy girl) I know I cannot save the world lol.

And yes, those who try to copy me.  And the many who have asked "could we touch your beautiful hair for a moment".  It can all be so strange sometimes. 

I have a tougher core than people even imagine. I remember my husband once saying to me: "I've seen you annoyed sometimes, but I sure wouldn't like to be around if you ever got angry".  However, I am more of the "don't get mad, get even" type. lol. 

Only difference is that my late parents were nothing like yours.  I so miss them.   Such stable, steady, honest, sincere people, who had lived interesting lives, and it showed. I wish they could have lived forever.

It's easy to say, Lola, but try not to let your parents get to you. 

And Lolita, I also love old houses.  Their beauty and atmosphere. But, yes, the upkeep is indeed a battle.

[Jibralta]

On 7/11/2021 at 6:05 PM, mylolita said:

I am going to solve all our financial problems, take control finally of my life and start writing a frickin' novel because secretly I'm Charles b****y ***ens with curly red hair

Well, you can definitely write.

[mylolita]

Spent a pleasant, warm, summers afternoon triggering the s***t out of my younger sister via text.

I am 31, I should know better. But get this, Liberal Millennial Logic 101: If it is an opinion or fact I agree with, it is a moral, lovely, virtuous opinion and a correct, unquestionable and useful fact. If it is an opinion or fact I do NOT agree with, it is a hateful, spiteful, stupid opinion and an extremely biased, untrue and unproven non-fact. Can't be fact. Because I don't agree with that fact. So there.

This is the attitude from a... I would say a woman, but more like a girl, who is about to turn 30 in November. 

Now, I have never been the sharpest tool in the shed. I'm no visionary. No big thinker. But! Compared to her! Frazzle my hair and call me Albert God damn Einstein, because we are looking at a fortified genius next to this jumped up know it all.

I have realised in my old, old, sage age of 31 (ha), that I have a few pet hates in life, and these pet hates, man, do they grind my gears when they appear and I just can't tell you why. Sure, there is plenty that she hates about me, it is no secret, and again, not everyones morning cup of char myself, but this sibling! Yikes! Honestly. Now I can see why people like the backup of a spare to choose from!

Anyway, my pet hate. Yes. THE PET HATE. The "siiiiiggggggghhh", "oookaaaaay, so, you're obViOuSlY too STOOPID to get on my level and understand this but, siiiiiiigggghhh, inhale of breath (so tedious), I guess I will attempt to explain why I know absolutely EVERYTHING too you, stupid idiot, and yes, thank me later, I'm so great and above it all and overall just a great lovely person yes yes."

THAT MENTALITY.

What my younger little sister also forgets after we don't speak for a year or two is that I grew up with her, shared a room with her, 18 years, top bunk. I KNOW her maybe more than anyone may just ever know her, because she is very dishonest and wears many a masks to many different people. What she also forgets is, we have had plenty of historic, verbal boxing matches before, and she also forgets that I know exactly how she plays dirty, and that her tricks don't work on me. Oh no! Remember, I got 2 years on you. I know exactly what made you scared in the night, I know all your wicked thoughts and I also know ya tried to practice kissing on me. I know a whole slew of things that were found out and then accompanied by a frantic "BUT PLEASE DON'T TELL MUM OR DAD". I got the dirt, I just don't use it, but it's been so long, she sometimes forgets that. Fatal error in a verbal argument from lil sis perspective. Cos she ain't got me!

But back to her superior knowledge on everything. 

Somehow, she has been there, done it all, nows it all, and will tell you all about it and by the way, you wrong sista! Even if the topic is children. Which, by the way, she has none. Not one. 

Now, I know I am not exactly a veteran hardcore parent here. Two toddlers, 3.5 boy and girl turning 2, one on the way, any minute now. Only 7 years of marriage to speak of, lived with the Mr for 14 years altogether though but honestly, on the topic of raising young kids and marriage I am in my infancy.

But the gall! She tells me she knows it all and this is how it's done regarding marriage and kids and completely disregards any advice or experience or opinion I have but she is just so high flying and has it all together and everything will be so much easier for her of course because unlike stupid silly me, she already worked it all out, before ever getting married or even y'know, knowing what that might mean and represent to anyone else or, ever even been with a toddler for more than an hour in her life, let alone experienced a committed relationship raising children and having to stick it together and actually work on your problems and take the amazing with the terrible. No, she knows it, I don't, and by the way? If I suggest I may be able to trump her knowledge on this topic with a lil bit of that silly thing called real life experience, the human kind, the real life kind?

I am hateful, a monster, and yes, I am going to Mum and Dad to tell on you. SO THERE.

And she's nearly 30.

An afternoon well spent with the kids off my hands to argue with my sister? Maybe. Am I relaxed? Not sure. Have I just slightly balanced the scales of justice in the world and simply been honest because deep down I care about her life and want the best for her and want her to avoid any mistakes I may have made? Most definitely.  Would she ever see it that way, even though I tell her that is my motivation and intention? Most definitely not.

The best thing about it is, the freedom of not giving a flying fig about how she perceives me because she already hates me and we already dislike each other means she sometimes forgets I feel okay saying exactly what's on my mind to her. 

Whoops.

Maybe I was just in a mood. Who knows. I'm so tired of veiling my words and giving quarter, half, smidgen truths to everyone to pump up their egos. 

I wish someone respected me enough to give me the cold, hard, beautiful truth and tell it too me exactly how it is, exactly how they feel it. The only person who has ever done that is Mr A and damn, that's why we're married. But then again, as my sister says, it's just a piece of paper that don't mean nothin'.

So if it don't mean nothin' sister, then why don't you just flippantly do it anyway then?

As Bowie once said, "Don't tell me truth hurts little girl, cos it hurts like hell".

And I'm not even a fan of David Bowie.

Over and out x

[mylolita]

On 7/12/2021 at 12:27 AM, dias said:

🙂

I think I mentioned this before, you got the talent, use it. Anger is good enough motivator to make you start something but then it's about discipline and consistency. You are already way ahead since you got the talent. I am curious to see how this could play out. Maybe you will be the next J. K. Rowling... 

I can picture you exasperated with your curly red hair saying the above words and I smile. It's sexy!

This is easy to answer. I don't know if they like you but I am certain you tend to attract people due to your intensity. People with intensity and some emmmm... temper are intriguing. Not necessarily good or bad, that's just how it is. I read your posts and I never read walls of text (except yours and Jib's)

 

Dias,

Don't worry, I am definitely NOT the next JK Rowling!

You may be disappointed to find out I am a normal and very ordinary lady with a bit of a temper just trying to be honest with myself and try to be authentic to myself and just basically, trying not to be a b********er which is what I spent the first half of my life being. For me, it's so horrible, thinking and being something and outwardly suppressing that because your family wouldn't approve or you would have no friends or you feel like the only reason anyone likes anyone is because they keep their mouth shut and are nice and palatable and give out fake compliments all the time.

Sometimes this journal is the splurge for me to get a little piece of mischief out and maybe its therapy to some bizarre extent. Whether it is "writing" honesty, I thank you, so so much, it would be just the biggest compliment to me, aside from being a good wife and mother, but this is not a humble brag but I am not a writer. I love to write, I aways have. I could argue I NEED to write. Whether that makes it good or not is a totally different question.

I am selfish and self absorbed inside my own little mind. I enjoy writing about myself, people close to me, feelings. Whether I could find the courage or imagination to write and create a character and storyline, I really doubt it. And, how many t***y bar stories want to be punished? I don't know!

But, thank you, all the same - honestly.

And PS - I love the idea of being intense, but I don't even think that is me. Probably, passionate, yes. I am forceful in what I believe in and who I am, in my own jumped up redheaded little way! I asked my husband if I was an intense person, he said no... but, he is kinda intense himself so 😉 maybe there is hope for that yet. HA!

Lo x

[mylolita]

On 7/12/2021 at 12:50 AM, LaHermes said:

I so understand you Lolita.  People are drawn to me (talking IRL here), and always were. Aaah, so often have heard that: "I wish I could be like you".  "You aren't afraid of anything". etc. etc.  I keep strict boundaries in place.  Much as I feel compassion for so many (like your story of that hippy girl) I know I cannot save the world lol.

And yes, those who try to copy me.  And the many who have asked "could we touch your beautiful hair for a moment".  It can all be so strange sometimes. 

I have a tougher core than people even imagine. I remember my husband once saying to me: "I've seen you annoyed sometimes, but I sure wouldn't like to be around if you ever got angry".  However, I am more of the "don't get mad, get even" type. lol. 

Only difference is that my late parents were nothing like yours.  I so miss them.   Such stable, steady, honest, sincere people, who had lived interesting lives, and it showed. I wish they could have lived forever.

It's easy to say, Lola, but try not to let your parents get to you. 

And Lolita, I also love old houses.  Their beauty and atmosphere. But, yes, the upkeep is indeed a battle.

LaHermes!

Thank you for your response! You just sound like a much more cultured and interesting person than me! I am full of self pity and God, just so many terrible traits, why bother listing them! Moody! I can genuinely see how people would like you. 

When I say people like me, I think that is probably the wrong term. I don't think many people like me at all! Stick around for the show? Find me kind of, weirdly, amusing? Or, like the unpredictability? Or a slight eccentricity? I don't know. 

I do envy your lovely parents. I think there must be hardy anything better than amazing, loving parents. My parents were loving don't get me wrong but as an adult, and how they now interact with me, as an adult myself, I look back and the rose tinted glasses kinda cease with the tint thing. Maybe that is human nature. I am trying not to judge.

Thank you for reading my stupid stuff and I always appreciate your comments. You are a fellow romantic it may seem. Not many of us left! Not many at all.

Lo x

[mylolita]

On 7/23/2021 at 11:15 PM, Jibralta said:

Well, you can definitely write.

Jib!

That is a huge huge compliment coming from yourself as I would say you are the writer on this forum here! You have a lovely turn of phase.

There is no talent to anything I do, seriously, I just write how I would talk. Talk how I would write. If that is decent I don't know. Grammar and everything and technically it's all over the place. What's a girl to do ay!

I just like gabbing on!

Lo x

[LaHermes]

Yes, under the tough exterior I am probably a romantic.  Not into the "stars" but those of us born under Libra are said to be a bit that way. Lol.  Iron hand inside the velvet glove. Heh heh.

27 minutes ago, mylolita said:

I'm so tired of veiling my words and giving quarter, half, smidgen truths to everyone to pump up their egos. 

Let them pump, or deflate, their own egos.   Always be straight up and shoot from the hip.  

Speaking of husbands, mine tells me I would have made an incredible prosecution lawyer. Lol.

15 minutes ago, mylolita said:

I love to write, I always have. I could argue I NEED to write.

That's a good enough reason, Lolita.  The great and famous authors did not write to impress, did not have to attend "creative writing classes" (ugh) and many or all of them got rejection slips. 

So, just write, Lolita, and keep writing. The work can be structured and knocked into shape at a later stage. 

[mylolita]

LaHermes!

I am finding shooting from the hip an awesome, liberating and terrifying experience but at the same time something that, in my opinion, seems to get easier as we age. Or is it just me?

I was so agreeable in my younger days. Only outwardly though, and that is what caused the horrible conflict within me that I think also exploded out of me unconfined and capped no longer! Firstly at my immediate family, who I had always secretly wanted to "give it too!" and then friends, who were never really friends in the first place. I knew this deep down, but wouldn't fully admit it to them or myself. And the truth shall set you free! Or so they say!

Telling your own father who you previously spent years thinking you admired to "get out of my house" was never a great feeling, but I think it was a turning point in my life where I became my own person, or took a big step towards that, whether I knew it or not. Our relationship has never been the same, but it was a fake fronted facade of a relationship to start with, so what I have lost, truly, I don't think I ever had.

And a Libra alternative universe prosecutor! A great combo! I don't believe in star signs either! Haha! But it is fun. I immediately write people off if one of the first things they ask me is what's your sign? 😉 

Ahhh! Thank you LaHermes. I don't know. I always wanted to write a book. Y'know, people say things like this and don't mean it but I really wouldn't care about any commercial success or anyone thinking it was good or proper or right or any of that. I would just want it to be an honest expression and I would like to do it to tick off the list.

I have always wanted to only do a few things in life, corny and undramatic as they are. They were:

Fall in love
Have children
Publish a book

I don't care if it ever got anywhere. I have already ticked off my first two, extremely happily, like the cat that got the cream! I am thinking three outta three would be too good! But maybe I should just get on and do it and get it out of me and draw a line under that secret goal I have always harboured.

I always think if I do ever publish anything, the only way I would ever be able to write anything deeply and honestly would be to simply forget my family and friends and even my husband even exist, because whilst thinking what they would think whilst reading what I write would hinder me and I sometimes wonder if the judgement of the people who are closest to me is what stops me putting any of anything I think or feel out there in black and white.

There's being vulnerable and then there is being *vulnerable* and I don't know whether I have the balls to do it!

You ever had a little goal or ambition or dream that you didn't even dare speak out loud?

x

 

[LaHermes]

I am still a most agreeable person, Lola, except when I am not! 

Even at age 19 or 20 I was very self-possessed.  I see photos of myself back then, looking levelly right back at my present self. 

As a kid I would tell anyone who would listen that I wished to travel into space.  I still would like to do that. I wasn't a frilly little girl and not much into dolls either. No sisters, just brothers, and my cousins were all male except for a couple much older females.  They were far more fun and daring than little girls.  I like men, have a lot of time for them.  

30 minutes ago, mylolita said:

I really wouldn't care about any commercial success or anyone thinking it was good or proper or right or any of that.

Writing. That is exactly the way the great authors went about it.  "Write for yourself". If you write for gain or worse, to please people, you are doomed to failure.  You write for your reader, to entertain, make them think, whet their curiosity.  Hacks write for money, and that's all right too. A different category.

33 minutes ago, mylolita said:

whilst thinking what they would think whilst reading what I write would hinder me and I sometimes wonder if the judgement of the people who are closest to me is what stops me

Keep your writing to yourself while you are doing it.  If you do need an opinion ask a literary agent.  If you get published it doesn't matter a whit what the family think, or not.

John Braine (Room at the Top) wrote a short little book sharing some of his tips for writing. 

Just to add that my husband says I was definitely a cat in another incarnation, lol. 

 

[Jibralta]

On 8/20/2021 at 1:02 PM, mylolita said:

There is no talent to anything I do, seriously, I just write how I would talk. Talk how I would write. If that is decent I don't know. Grammar and everything and technically it's all over the place.

Yes, it's very decent. I don't think it matters whether it's 'technically correct' or not. You're not writing an instruction manual. You have good rhythm, you communicate clearly, and your personality lets you cheat with the 'rules.' It's definitely a talent.