Diary Of A Redhead

[dias]

13 hours ago, mylolita said:

I ended up parking up our van in an unknown, woodland car park. I just wanted to hide. I was wearing a petrol blue, mohair sweater. I climbed into the boot and shut the door. I suddenly felt insanely claustrophobic. I almost started hyperventilating in my pathetic despair at nothing, basically. I went to open the back door. I’d locked myself in.

 

When you are 32, and end up calling your own father in floods of tears because you have had a moment and drove off and locked yourself in your own boot but don’t know where you are, you look like a fool who can’t handle their own life and a ridiculous dramatic. He was shaken on the phone when I called him, reminded me of some soothing bs a helpline would come out with as he wanted to keep me on the phone the whole time him and my Mum were driving too me.

I don't know if you had/have postpartum/seasonal depression but locking yourself in a trunk is not normal. 

 

13 hours ago, mylolita said:

The week I stopped buying things, I became suicidal.

That is concerning. I am not a big fan of psychologists myself but have you ever considered visiting one? I don't believe it's the answer but it might help?

13 hours ago, mylolita said:

It sounds like a joke doesn’t it. I wish it was. Bratty and ridiculous and phoney. I realised a lifetimes worth of obsessive and perpetual spending had been my way to keep my mind on the next thing, on the material, shiny hamster wheel, running towards those beautiful, welcoming, exhilarating aisles filled with all the goodies any one gal could desire. All mine, to possess, until, you possess them, and then it’s not so great anymore, and you need the next thing, but you already knew that, and that’s why on order simply means the thrill has been had and you are purchasing the next item already. A whimsical distraction from your thoughts and actions. A small adrenaline rush. 

 You have to treat it like any other addiction. I have an addictive personality too, I understand, but you have to use this personality trait to your advantage and not towards self-destruction. Addictions come down to feelings instigated by external factors (spending money in this case) to get an adrenaline rush or anything else that would make us feel good. 

My suggestion is to try to re-direct  all this energy towards something productive and creative, a hobby or an activity you like but that is also productive. I would also recommend exercising. Weight lifting and some sort of high intensity cardio. It will help you tremendously with keeping your mood in a healthy state. If you don't like it you need to see it as treatment and do it for your mental health. I am not preaching fitness btw, I am throwing suggestions of what I believe it could help. 

13 hours ago, mylolita said:

I have always been with vices. I look to other people and often see none. A part of me sees them as normal, boring, and too stupid, hence why they are so gleeful. 

Vices make life interesting right? Life is boring without vices, it is a fact. However, remember, everything in moderation. Be a sinner when you choose to, don't let emotions control you 🙂

[mylolita]

8 hours ago, dias said:

I don't know if you had/have postpartum/seasonal depression but locking yourself in a trunk is not normal. 

 

That is concerning. I am not a big fan of psychologists myself but have you ever considered visiting one? I don't believe it's the answer but it might help?

 You have to treat it like any other addiction. I have an addictive personality too, I understand, but you have to use this personality trait to your advantage and not towards self-destruction. Addictions come down to feelings instigated by external factors (spending money in this case) to get an adrenaline rush or anything else that would make us feel good. 

My suggestion is to try to re-direct  all this energy towards something productive and creative, a hobby or an activity you like but that is also productive. I would also recommend exercising. Weight lifting and some sort of high intensity cardio. It will help you tremendously with keeping your mood in a healthy state. If you don't like it you need to see it as treatment and do it for your mental health. I am not preaching fitness btw, I am throwing suggestions of what I believe it could help. 

Vices make life interesting right? Life is boring without vices, it is a fact. However, remember, everything in moderation. Be a sinner when you choose to, don't let emotions control you 🙂

Dias, 

 

I could write two books worth of stupid things I have done because I succumb to my moods. I do kind of joke about them, even in rawness I find it hard to be completely serious and face my problems. The deceiving thing about my moods or psychological issues or bipolar or I don’t even know what you would call it, is that I know I have had these swings and roundabouts my whole life, even as a young child, I can look back and recognise it now. They weren’t as extreme and they weren’t as often.

 

It’s funny you mention exercise because back when, probably a decade ago, I did exercise a way lot more. I walked everywhere instead of driving, I even jogged a few times a week round the outskirts of a golf club near where I grew up. It was quite a run. I used to make it fast as well. I would say I was quite fit back then. Also then I started the dancing so for a few years you could say my job was psychical (HA!). I always have danced though. If I were to label myself anything I would probably jump too, dancer. I had a vague dream when I was young of becoming a backing dancer for someone like Madonna. I wasn’t serious and it wouldn’t have happened and I would never of probably had my family even if for some freak reason I had taken those steps but, Y’know, my mind needs constant occupation. It really does. If that is browsing and buying with that adrenaline hit then that pattern has been the pattern I have followed since early childhood getting pocket money. I would blow it all.

 

I’d do an Elton John and blow 40 million in 20 weeks if someone gave me the means and the free reign. Whatever I have I spend to the penny. I openly admit I can’t have any access to our main finances or we would be bust in a month. This is not the responsible and normal way of an adult woman in her 30s. I laugh about it but deep down it is pretty embarrassing.

 

I don’t tell anyone this but my husband but I am such an adrenaline junkie that I even have a criminal lean too me. Like when solo, constantly going out and extremely breaking the speed limit in late night rally drives. Back when we had a high performance car. I even nearly lost my license a few months back but somehow got away with it. I didn’t even turn up at court.

 

I randomly steal from the supermarket just for a weird rush. Stupid things I don’t need and I definitely don’t need to steal. I stopped it recently but it gave me a little thrill I guess, getting away with it. When you have a shopping cart piled up and you look put together with a nice watch security guards just do not seem to suspect. 
 

What else? If given the chance, I would probably sky dive every week. I would rally drive, go-kart. If given the chance, and I had no kids, I have always been anti-drug and never even smoked a joint but I realise there is a side to me that would enjoy throwing it all away and getting into coke or something stupid. I abuse caffeine. At one point I was starting to throw down three energy drinks a day. Too much. I am a night owl. I stay up way too late, I get too tired having to be up with the baby, and then I complain all over again. Every night is, “I’m gonna have an early night now” night and I’ll be d****d the few times in my life I actually have.

 

I used to leave study for exams till right up too the last minute and then blitz it till 3am over two days before and somehow pass and, not only pass, I would do very well. I came out with some of the highest grades in my school! That is a ball, it really is.
 

I don’t like rules, I don’t like authority, I don’t like being told what to do. I have gone from my father looking after me to an older man, my husband, taking care of everything straight from me leaving the nest into stepping into a lovely lifestyle with him and never having to organise myself, pay one bill. He bought me my first car, gave me money. I have really hardly worked. When I work I work very hard. In college I juggled two jobs. I am definitely not a lazy person but I don’t know. I feel spoilt, bratty, probably unappreciative. I roll around in my ridiculous emotions. I have children now, I can’t do this. 
 

The worst thing is some days I am just amazing and everything is insanely productive and I am flying, I really am. But then I am haunted because I can see on the horizon a somber mood sweeping in. I don’t know.

 

I know what you’re saying. Maybe someone professional could help me. I don’t wanna be put on medication. I don’t want to be zombied. I don’t want to shut out feeling because I think I feel so intensely and I have a love hate relationship with that. It almost feels like my flaws are as big of a part of me as my virtues. 
 

Recently, I think I have been feeling worse because for the first time in my life, I have cut off and been done with all friendships. In fact, the girl I used to talk too a lot, sadly, I wouldn’t have even labelled her a friend but unfairly she kindly gave me that honour in her eyes but, again, like always, we didn’t click and she always stuck it out with me for some bizarre reason but I manufactured an argument and used it as an excuse to durf. I didn’t think I needed any social interaction outside of my husband, kids, maybe sister a little and my mum and dad now and then but only in the short few weeks I have been without any female friendship I am starting to learn quickly I do value someone else there to laugh with and to chat s**t with. 
 

One time an old friend once said to me, again, during a break down of friendship that, “Sorry I couldn’t stand up to your high expectation of friendship”. Maybe she was right? I’m not an easy person to get along with once you get past the superficial age name how many kids and are you married. I don’t do small talk. I’m not exactly miss positive all the time. I can be pretty intense probably. Sometimes I need to be alone and then sometimes I wanna call someone up and go for a drive and get fries at 2am. I can’t strike a nice balance in many places in my life. I can’t seem to break even.

 

My son turned to me the day before and said, “Mammy, where you come from, there must be lots of nice lovely mammies” I kind of melted. I asked, “How come sugar lump?” And he said, “Because you are the best most lovely Mammy there is”. 
 

My kids are the only things I put my absolute most into. They are my best friends, as corny as that sounds. Along with my husband. They always lift my mood. But they are not responsible for my ultimate happiness. I know only I am and I feel that it is a simple yes or no I could confirm today and make it so. Do I like the idea of “suffering arteeest!” Maybe I indulge in that a little too much. Maybe it’s time to grow up? And yes, wouldn’t harm probably shifting my a** and going for a jog. We are a 3 minute walk from a beautiful woodland and beach. What is there to be unhappy about?!

 

x

 

 

[mylolita]

13 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I like that color, too. What a random thing to do, lock yourself in a trunk like that! Thank god you had your phone on you!

I know, I know, and I often don’t actually, since I hate phones!

 

Ah yes, it was a good outfit to have a break down in! 

 

x

[mylolita]

I just realised this behaviour of I guess running away has become so normal too me it doesn’t even register anymore but, the first time it probably started becoming a serious habit was in college.

 

I was 16, had completed my first year like a good girl, everything great, on track, A star student, praise praise praise. And one morning I woke up and I felt so bad, I just saw the light coming through the curtains and I knew I didn’t and wouldn’t go into class that day. I lied to my parents, got dressed, got my satchel as usual, yes, socks with wooden heels was standard for me to walk to school in then and I was off. I hadn’t planned it and I had only taken a little money in my bag.

 

We lived close to a train station. I got there, it was lonely, empty. Probably a little dangerous to be sat there, skinny and young in inappropriately high heels during the day but the sun was shining and obviously only good things happen when the weather is nice. The train came, I got on. I listened to my music all day. I walked round the town, I shopped, I spent, I didn’t eat all day, I would rather buy a jacket or something or other. It doesn’t matter, but I began a love affair with trains, the quick passing landscape, the feeling of escape and lying and skipping school.

 

I did it so much I got called into the head office after about half a year. My attendance was something like 22%. The head told me, frankly, that they would have kicked me out months ago if it wasn’t for my expectant grades. He told me my English, History, Biology and my Politics teachers all thought I could still very well pass even though my eyes and hands hadn’t even set seal on any of that years material - mostly. It gave me a wake up call, especially after the minor stress of having to intercept the letters that were arriving from school for my Mum and Dad. They eventually found out of course. You always get caught in the end. It took nearly till the end of the year though, I was on the cusp of sitting the d***n exams and they found out the week before I hadn’t been present in body, mind, or soul. Amen, AQA.

 

My Dad, who is the extremely timely, faithful, risk adverse and conscientious type despised lying and hit the roof. My mum was shocked, but I think secretly in awe. I think she wished she had been able to do it at my age too. 
 

I went in, lethargically went through the motions of the exams. To my disbelief they actually published an example of one of my replies in the AQA question book on a politics answer I submitted, probably out of my mind on a double shot at Costa Coffee and two bags of rainbow skittles. It was an example of an A* answer. Oh boy! My parents forgot all about my weekly walk abouts just, walking and walking, and listening to music, walking all around whilst everyone else sat at their desks popping gum. They thought all was forgiven and told all their friends. Practically puffed up. They thought I was the next God d***n Hemingway and Oscar Wilde rolled in together. It was a fluke. Sorry Mum.

 

It did cement one valuable observation that I always suspected in my youth was true. That only the results matter in society. Doesn’t matter how you got there. Only the results. Everything else was forgiven, by school and parents. Another observation was confirmed into my mischievous little mind that day also: you can get away with it, as long as the end game bears fruits, the perception is right, the exterior shiny and the method appearing to function. 

 

I guess when answering the exams, I was bored, as all kids are, and I used to reply and give my debate with what I aimed at as a bit of creative flare. I wanted that marker, who after reading the 200th “and so that is how the Conservative Party submitted to relieve Margaret Tatcher…” would jump up at the first sentence or two and maybe, even enjoy reading my response. I did it for all questions, even in biology. It became something I just ended up not being able to not do. I would even riff and rattle on a little. I wanted to entertain. 

 

And I say this not in a bragadocious way at all. I am not smart. I have a very average IQ. I think at that time, I had a penchant for entertaining and hostessing and I put what little mark and style I had all over my papers. It’s my husband who has the high IQ. I think 148. He left school at 15 and he never even turned up for exam. At least my a** was there, in high waisted jeans, when it counted. I did get my grades in the end. Just.

 

Running away, a life skill or life drag that has been my pathetic go to for decades. I do it so much it doesn’t even register as a habit anymore. What I’m running away from though, that is the thing. The million dollar, right there.
 

Sometimes I think, if I could, I would run right off into the sunset from myself. Anything to get away, to distract from my own stupid, stupid thoughts. How do you live outside of your head? I do not know. That would be the big question. And right now, I am definitely not making straight As.

 

x

[mylolita]

I can’t tell you how pretty this weather is too me.

 

Fast, weightless flurries of snow. The sky suddenly becomes full and pregnant, black falls during mid morning and then the brightest of sun streaks and blue skies keep appearing in the cracks after the darkness! Beautiful.

 

I am in just an amazing mood again. These swings and roundabouts.

 

Reminds me of a moment in The Sopranos, where Tony is out to eat with his wife Carmella after a serious bout of what he now is starting to realise is depression. 
 

“Sometimes, life is good. Good wine, a beautiful meal… a beautiful wife.” 
 

I think this gorgeously cold, dark, wintery morning on the cusp of Spring has taught me something I probably should’ve learnt along time ago. 4 years into the parenting game and it’s dawned on me that there is no reason to bust my ass and bend over backwards every single day. D is working away, I’m up with my little girl every night. Why jump outta bed half asleep with a pounding headache at 6:30?

 

I laid in, I could hear the kids playing joyfully, making dens and messes downstairs and all that good stuff young kids do. I could hear excited screams and in joke giggles. My baby girl was cooing in her crib, I could hear the relaxing jingle jingle of her rattle and her cute, sleepy gurgle. I drank a coffee. I drifted back to sleep. So did my baby girl. I had opened the blind just a crack. You could see a hint of sky and hear the hail on the glass. I had the most relaxing dream.

 

My dreams are often frantic, anxious, even violent and disturbing. I am a restless kinda person in my mind, I guess. But for the longest time, I can’t even remember the last time I didn’t want to wake from a pleasant dream.

 

I could feel the warmth of Spanish sun on my face and back of neck. We had bought an ancient villa on top of a small climbing cliff. Looking down from our new back garden which was staggered in a series of platforms, all in old crumbling, sunned stone, I could see cobbled winding streets below. This back patio area was just mind blowing. I turned back to look up at our new house and the plaster was crumbling in that 16th century, time forget way. So beautiful. Some of the windows had cast iron shutter bars over them with a kind of religious Catholic symbol entwined into them.  These beautiful, hot pink flowers climbed up most of the building, spilling over the tops of the windows.

 

What struck me most was the utilmately peaceful and serene sound of flowing water. I looked at one of the patio levels and in the corner, shaded by a mass of vines and flowers and shrubbery, was an oval, stone, turquoise water filled dipping pool. Quite small, double the size of a jacuzzi. I could hear running water but I didn’t know from where. Some of the bright leaves were being swirled on the surface of the water. I thought to myself, it needs absolutely nothing doing too it. It is just perfect. 
 

The feeling of no work ever again washed over me. I couldn’t believe we could own such a place. I heard a female voice calling me from below. She was entering from our iron, rusty gate down below, the beginning of a series of platforms to get to our bill top villa. It was a girl from school. I never spoke to her, she never spoke to anyone. I didn’t even know or remember her name. She was mousesy and plain and quiet and sweet. I waved down to her.

 

We sat on one of the patio platforms. I could feel the heat of the stone under my bum. The sun had been warming it all day. I looked down and noticed my feet were in my high ankled, cognac coloured Blundstone boots. Strange. I wear them for the beach and winters back home I thought. I must change into sandals.

 

We talked like we were friends. She said, “How did you get to own a place like this?” I woke up to my phone ringing and thinking, I don’t know either. How did we get so lucky?

 

D was calling me from an antique fair asking me about a painting - a landscape in oils. I told him about it. He laughed and said he wouldn’t have wanted to wake up either. I went back to sleep.
 

Sometimes, I just need to take time for myself and relax. I can be selfish but, I need to be the right kind of selfish. The take care of myself selfish. It isn’t all about others abs self sacrifice and if your aren’t constantly working you should feel guilt.

 

x

[mylolita]

This week has been a weird one for me.

 

My baby girl turned 8 months. By this point, with the other two, they were well away in their own little nursery room and sleeping through the night by now. This time round, in this holiday home, we don’t have the luxury of space and another room, so she is in her crib right close to us in a tiny bedroom at the moment. I am convinced it is contributing to her still waking.

 

Normally it’s just once, maybe 3am, that seems to be her time, and after the change and the milk and the cuddle she goes back to sleep all in all within 35 to 45 minutes of her first crying. Not bad, I go straight back to sleep. But the last few nights it’s been three times. Just madness for me, since it’s only me who wakes up with my lil chunk and I haven’t had a full nights sleep now since she was born.

 

My usual, hyperactive, full of energy kind of mode is slipping away. It’s getting well chipped at. I can feel the build up, physically and mentally, saying, woah, time to rest. I don’t know. To explain the sleep deprivation to someone who’s never had a baby and other young toddlers who spring up at 6am and then continue full pelt like little crazies through the whole day just can’t contemplate the type of exhaustion I’m talking about here.

 

I am already quite away with my emotions, up on a high then sometimes down on an ebb. That’s when I get my rest. I feel like I have months of holding it together with no help and just me and then I go alright, enough, and I turn to my husband and I just leave, mentally, I really do. I feel very weak half the time, for not being able to take it on the shoulders like I feel I should. I feel at the moment there is hardly any room for friendships, other things. My main mode of function is - clean house, play with kids, make sure everyone is fed and watered in a healthy way; shopping in, bit of new house renovation, and then, where is the time? I have been putting too much pressure taking them all out solo everyday to groups and outings. I think I am feeling like, I need to chill out and take the pressure off myself.

 

My husband, he looks out to the ocean and he sees comfort, power, wonder and peace. He sees a respite in vision for his soul. I see the ocean and I see my emotions looking back at me. I see slow, rhythmic white crested tops. I see clear, sparkling turquoise. I see mellow and calm, as flat and still as a mill pond. But often I see the hectic crashing, the grey dark rolling skies filled with sleet and storm. I see swirling, violent undercurrent. Huge, omnipresent, random waves. Sometimes the whole coast front is littered with rocks, swirled up and tossed back onto the mounds of beach like they were all collectively the weight of a toothpick. I see my own unpredictability reflected right back in that water.

 

Sometimes, I catch a wave I can handle, might even enjoy the ride. Other times, I don’t know, I feel swept under. 
 

I am out to sea, and I don’t know how to swim. Some days I feel I am treading water, big time. Other days I am practically the God damn little Mermaid herself having a right old party with Daddy Triton. I do worry, now and then, that one day I might catch a big one I can’t ride or tread. I don’t know. 

 

A therapist would probably have a hay day with me, they’d be sending me the biggest bill. I feel like, maybe if anything, at a guess, I have borderline personality disorder? Every box is ticked there with me. What do I do? Do I crumble up and go seek therapy and medication? Or do I just realise I have survive this way the whole other part of my life through all the crazy highs and lows and catching emotional waves and I can do this, I really can, as long as somehow, I can work out how to get a FULL NIGHTS SLEEP!

 

Or maybe they’d tell me I’m just a spoilt brat who has never had to grow up and face anything much in her life. Maybe they’d tell me to get a grip, you’re not crazy, you just kind of, want too be, don’t you? Because you like an excuse for any bad behaviour. Maybe they’d tell me to wake up, take note, look around and shut up complaining. 
 

It’s like some kind of Chinese water torture. I hate to sleep, I fight sleep, but I need to sleep. I know what’s good for me, I know what’s bad for me. I know what is wrong, I know what is right. I know who I am. I know who loves me. I don’t really want to throw all that away. Not seriously.

 

Sweet, sweet slumber! Give’th thouself to thee!!!!

 

Maybe I just need sleep. Maybe I just need to start getting thankful.

 

 

“Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? Maybe I was just crazy. Maybe it was the 60s. Or maybe I was just a girl... interrupted.”

“Declared healthy and sent back into the world. My final diagnosis: a recovered borderline. What that means, I still don't know. Was I ever crazy? Maybe. Or maybe life is.”

 

“Valerie: You know, I can take a lot of crazy *** from a lot of crazy people. But you - you are not crazy. 

Susanna: Then what's wrong with me, huh? What the *** is going on inside my head? Tell me, Dr. Val, what's your diag-nonsense? 

Valerie: [hovering over Susanna] You are a lazy, self-indulgent little girl, who is driving herself crazy. 

Susanna: Is that your... *professional* opinion, huh? Is that what you've learned in your advanced studies at night school for Negro welfare mothers? I mean, Melvin doesn't have a clue, Wick is a *psycho* and you... you *pretend* to be a doctor. You sign the charts and dole out meds. But "you ain't no doctor, Miss Valerie. You ain't nothing but a black nursemaid". 

Valerie: And you're just throwing it away.”

 

- ‘Girl Interrupted’

 

x

[Jibralta]

39 minutes ago, mylolita said:

A therapist would probably have a hay day with me, they’d be sending me the biggest bill. I feel like, maybe if anything, at a guess, I have borderline personality disorder? Every box is ticked there with me. What do I do? Do I crumble up and go seek therapy and medication? Or do I just realise I have survive this way the whole other part of my life through all the crazy highs and lows and catching emotional waves and I can do this, I really can, as long as somehow, I can work out how to get a FULL NIGHTS SLEEP!

Well, sleep deprivation will do it to you. It will take the most minor mental glitch and multiply it 10-fold. Plus, you're physically getting older and that makes a difference. You may look the same as you did in your 20s, but your body doesn't run the same. It needs more rest and recovery than it did before. I experienced that comeuppance myself, when I was in graduate school. This probably doesn't make you feel better to read, sorry. I hope you do feel better, though. And I hope you find a way to get that rest and that SLEEP that you need!

[mylolita]

33 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Well, sleep deprivation will do it to you. It will take the most minor mental glitch and multiply it 10-fold. Plus, you're physically getting older and that makes a difference. You may look the same as you did in your 20s, but your body doesn't run the same. It needs more rest and recovery than it did before. I experienced that comeuppance myself, when I was in graduate school. This probably doesn't make you feel better to read, sorry. I hope you do feel better, though. And I hope you find a way to get that rest and that SLEEP that you need!

Aw Jibralta,

 

Thank you ☺️ For your understanding, as always. Totally valid point I never think of. I do look the same 😉 The add is a little bigger though. Ain’t it just. LOL! I guess I kid myself into thinking the exterior matches the interior 😜 I always feel boosted but like a fraud anyone tells me very nicely that I “look so well” I keep thinking, if you could step inside this tiny brain of mine, oh man, maybe you wouldn’t be patting me on the back.

 

The days or half days I loose my sense of humour or take myself too seriously are they worst ones, Jib. Maybe I am just self indulgent, maybe I like to wallow. My husband half jokes that I need a crisis or something to complain about. He tells me he’s done with hearing it because just wait till you have something real to fret about, like the kids getting seriously ill, or when I don’t have my health, or like what happened at Christmas to my husband. I never mentioned anything about that, but my eyes were opened and a new fresh take was adopted but it’s surprising and disappointing to me how fast I slipped back into my old selfish ways. 

What will it take for me to truly take note and learn my lesson? I have been repeating the same stupid techniques and patterns my whole life, if I bother to look back. Sometimes it worked for me but I don’t know, did I get lucky? I have never had to try too much for anything. I don’t know. I have and I haven’t. 
 

My mum used to throw so many phases at my head strong hyperactive high spirited tiny toddler self, the same age as my son now. I was just the same way back then. She used to say things like, “Don’t care was made to care!” And “Easy come, easy go!” and, “You need to listen because you don’t know everything young lady!” and, “One day your chickens will come home to roost!” And her favourite that especially applied to me: “No thought for the morrow!” 

 

x

 

[Jibralta]

9 minutes ago, mylolita said:

What will it take for me to truly take note and learn my lesson? I have been repeating the same stupid techniques and patterns my whole life, if I bother to look back. Sometimes it worked for me but I don’t know, did I get lucky? I have never had to try too much for anything. I don’t know. I have and I haven’t.

Interesting. You know, it was similar for me. In my mid-thirties, many of my tried and true patterns of behavior stopped working. The one that comes to mind (and the one that I still lament to this day) was that I can no longer eat whatever I want to eat anymore. I stubbornly resisted that one for as long as I could. But eventually I realized that I wasn't going to win. There are other changes that I've needed to make, which aren't coming to mind at the moment... But I'm still learning and making adjustments, especially at my job, where time management is key. This is not a comfortable process!! But it has to be done to maintain the status quo. Weird.

[mylolita]

7 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Interesting. You know, it was similar for me. In my mid-thirties, many of my tried and true patterns of behavior stopped working. The one that comes to mind (and the one that I still lament to this day) was that I can no longer eat whatever I want to eat anymore. I stubbornly resisted that one for as long as I could. But eventually I realized that I wasn't going to win. There are other changes that I've needed to make, which aren't coming to mind at the moment... But I'm still learning and making adjustments, especially at my job, where time management is key. This is not a comfortable process!! But it has to be done to maintain the status quo. Weird.

Hey Jib,

 

Thank you, no I see this, I get what you are saying, it does make sense. Maybe just like you were, without knowing it, I am repeating the same methods when everything else has changed expecting it to still work and give the same results?!

 

The worst part for me is I don’t think my ways of dealing with much of anything were sensible or right in the first place, even back then. I just about managed to pull it off, each time. The phase “getting away with it” comes to mind. But’cha can’t go through life skimming through. I just can’t see myself being able to stay on an even keel or sustain myself like that. 
 

Sometimes I feel like I have flashed a smile and gotten let off through 20 percent of my life. Used some flare and finesse to sail me through another 20. Turned on the heel and ran off for 30. Damsel in distressed it for 10. Called upon nerve and self belief for another similar slice and blagged the rest! 
 

How long that technique can work is… I am surprised I am even sitting here right now at 32 having got away with it for this long. 
 

I don’t know if you also went through a similar phase too this Jibs but, did you go through a patch or couple of years of shifting friendships, re-evaluating what you want in a friend? Letting people go? Even family members?

 

x

[mylolita]

We went out to eat this afternoon at the most nestled little seafood restaurant a stones throw from where we live. 
 

D normally takes the kids there (minus little bambino!) for a weekend treat. It’s a very nice restaurant. Marble tables, beautiful artefacts, mother of Pearl plates, and floor to ceiling panoramic walls of glass with uninterrupted views right out to the beach and ocean. It’s quite something. But very cosy. 
 

I have hardly been there even though it is our local restaurant in a way. The last time I was there I spent a rare evening kinda casually dressed up with a friend and a large glass of wine which, God, I hate wine, but make it a spritzer if we have to do it! Anyway, the kids were so well behaved. Oh man, I was so proud. I just sat there feeling so much love for them, their little legs swinging gayly and their tight, blonde curls poking out on bobbing heads just about visible over the high tables. 
 

A waitress passed us, smiling. She was overweight but so friendly and lovely looking. No make-up. Just a fresh and sweet looking woman, in her early 30s probably like myself. I hear my sons little melodic voice chirp up to her as she passed, “You are very beautiful you know.” He said it completely sincerely, a soft smile on his face. She turned, stopped. She was beaming. I could see she was bordering on tears. I felt choked up! My husband ruffled his hair. 
 

“Oh my goodness!” She gasped, delighted and taken aback! “I think you are beautiful too!” Then he repeats his genuine compliment and starts taking too this lovely lady about his toy wolves he has brought and how he also looks very nice in his coat! Ohhh she is smitten beyond belief. I say, just watch out! Give him another 15 years! She cracks up. She leaves but doesn’t want too. I see her floating around with a new lifted spirit, smile still spread across her face.

 

My husband turned to him and said, “You have just made her day there son. What a nice thing to say.”

 

People always say this about their kids but, I don’t deserve them. They are honestly the sweetest things. My daughter turned too me this evening, loving and in all her adoration pulled me close, repeating, “You are a good girl Mammy! A good girl!” I could smell her fresh and amazing smell only she has. Her wild hair tickled my neck. Oh man. 
 

I thought to myself, I even said to my husband, she will probably remember that compliment from our son for years. She might even be an old lady in her bed, and recall it randomly, and smile.

 

People say words are nothing, and people fling them around as if they mean nothing, myself included. But they do. Words can change the course of someone’s life. 
 

I realise that sounds dramatic. But this plain but lovely lady, to him, he saw her smiling and thinking good thoughts - and to my innocent, delightful, optimistic and other worldly little boy, she was beautiful. She is beautiful. We all agreed. Very beautiful.

 

x

 

[Jibralta]

3 hours ago, mylolita said:

I don’t know if you also went through a similar phase too this Jibs but, did you go through a patch or couple of years of shifting friendships, re-evaluating what you want in a friend? Letting people go? Even family members?

Yes, definitely! All of the above. Your descriptions are very familiar. It's not a comfortable place to be at all. But it helps to remember that you are surrounded by people who love you.

[dias]

3 hours ago, mylolita said:

I hear my sons little melodic voice chirp up to her as she passed, “You are very beautiful you know.” He said it completely sincerely, a soft smile on his face.

He is a charmer already!!! and a bold one 🙂

Based on how you described your kids and your husband and based on your personality as well  (at least as you appear through your posts here), I believe your kids would do well in life. Especially your son, I think he will be become a great businessman one day and a great person in general, it seems he has the charisma. The only thing he needs is guidance from you and it seems you are doing a great job, both you and your husband.

[Seraphim]

Oh god, I remember the days of sleep deprivation. My son nursed every 2 hours 24/7 for months and months. He was still eating 3 times a night at 14 months because he was on the small side( he was 19 pounds at 14 months. So he hadn’t even tripled his birth weight by 12 or 14 months. At birth  he weighed 6 lbs. 10 oz.

As a toddler it took till 11 o’clock at night to keep him in the bed and he was sleepwalking by two in the morning and he was up for the day at 4:30. By seven years old they had to start medicating him to sleep and he never slept a full night until that time. 
 

I was working full-time and sleeping four hours a night. It was  killing me. 
 

However, now ,it is well known that the vast majority of autistic people do not sleep well. It is something within their genetic make up. He still doesn’t sleep well but that is his business now . 

[mylolita]

10 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Yes, definitely! All of the above. Your descriptions are very familiar. It's not a comfortable place to be at all. But it helps to remember that you are surrounded by people who love you.

Ah! Jib! You are a sweetheart you really are! 
 

Thank you. Yes, I don’t know why they do but they do 🥲 I’m relieved it’s not just me and my ways, totally! I do it too myself often I know I do but, God, is this like some kind of, not quarter life crisis not midlife crisis more like, inbetweenie hit my 30s what do I do crisis? 🥳

 

Haha! What helped you at the time and how long did it last for you?

 

x

[mylolita]

10 hours ago, dias said:

He is a charmer already!!! and a bold one 🙂

Based on how you described your kids and your husband and based on your personality as well  (at least as you appear through your posts here), I believe your kids would do well in life. Especially your son, I think he will be become a great businessman one day and a great person in general, it seems he has the charisma. The only thing he needs is guidance from you and it seems you are doing a great job, both you and your husband.

Dias! My dear!

 

Yes! They are, so unbelievably confident. So is my daughter, she is younger at two and a half but she will talk and approach and hold her own just the same. My son jokes she is “The Boss” which, well, let’s face it guys, the man may be the head of the table but hasn’t it been said, the woman is the neck that turns the head? 🤣

 

Strangers comment on their intelligence as well. Again, I realise all parents think this of their children but everyday that passes I think they really are. They both use beautiful phases, the way they talk is so positive and elegant! I will say that! My son used the word “convenience” yesterday! And “delicate”! My daughter loves to paint and dance and has a real cheeky, wicked sense of humour. My son is sensitive and confident and curious. In fact, he also used the word curious a couple of days back. 
 

They don’t mix with that many other kids, as you know, I have never had them at a nursery or daycare. When they are at the park or are with other children they are also bold as anything! Maybe they see me, I so easily speak with strangers, approach people - I have always been that way, without thinking. Maybe it annoys some people and they never tell me but it’s just my way of operating. I’m genuinely fascinated by everyone so any opportunity I get to have a chat and ask some questions and even just have a giggle with anyone, I’m there with bells. They both have a big sense of justice. If they see another kid being left out, my son has approached them, laid a hand on their shoulder even. It’s really so cute too see, it makes me very proud. I have never specifically told them, you must include everyone or anything like that, they just take it upon themselves.

 

Dias, he is a lot like my husband, you are right. We aren’t perfect parents, God, me with my moods, I know I could do so much better. I often take on a lot then crash and need big rests. But I adore them with all my heart. I think that’s all you have to do as a parent - absolutely love them to pieces! Even on the hard days!

 

Thank you, what a compliment. We try our best. They have hardly any jealousy as well. Towards our little new bambino, they leave her be most the time but I will walk in and they are handing her a teddy she dropped or making her laugh or even stealing a little kiss on the top of her head. We are so close as a family. We are totally daft together too. I am, a kind of, silly parent. I don’t take myself too seriously at the end of the day. I bounce on the couch with them and will crack jokes that only make sense too silly us and let my ego go and pull faces and chase them round whilst they tell me which daft car horn sound to make or whatever, it’s stuff like that. Those are the best parts!

 

I don’t really care what they choose to do Dias, as long as they are safe and happy. I don’t need them to be a doctor or a lawyer or an pilot or own a business. Honestly. Corny as it is. If they are happy, and healthy, and have happy healthy relationships with other people and still with me once they get to 21 and look back and judge me then, I will really die happy. Get the sick bucket out!

 

My main goal is - confidence to be themselves, think for themselves, always ask questions, stand up for what you believe is right. Be kind, be helpful. Say your pleases and thank yous. Don’t take no for an answer if it really means something too you - don’t let anyone push you around, and, have a laugh ☺️ Enjoy yourself.

 

Now, where can I find this spoon to take my own advice?! HA! 
 

x

[mylolita]

7 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Oh god, I remember the days of sleep deprivation. My son nursed every 2 hours 24/7 for months and months. He was still eating 3 times a night at 14 months because he was on the small side( he was 19 pounds at 14 months. So he hadn’t even tripled his birth weight by 12 or 14 months. At birth  he weighed 6 lbs. 10 oz.

As a toddler it took till 11 o’clock at night to keep him in the bed and he was sleepwalking by two in the morning and he was up for the day at 4:30. By seven years old they had to start medicating him to sleep and he never slept a full night until that time. 
 

I was working full-time and sleeping four hours a night. It was  killing me. 
 

However, now ,it is well known that the vast majority of autistic people do not sleep well. It is something within their genetic make up. He still doesn’t sleep well but that is his business now . 

Seraphim!

 

Ohhh my! Just reading your run down over so many years made me feel exhausted! How did you DO IT?! I am not surprised something had to give!

 

And whilst I was reading, before you mentioned at the end of your sons condition I thought, this must be something to do with her boys autism? How tough. Parents like me will never know of those behind the door struggles when it comes to babies, toddlers, children with other needs. I always think, it is hard enough when everything is normal and even keeled! 
 

How on earth did you get through?! 
 

I don’t have to work. I couldn’t imagine how you could concentrate and preform a job on such low hours of sleep over many years. 
 

I read somewhere that your brain, unhealthy as it is, alters to cope with it and you adapt in a way but it’s never going to compensate for the sleep you need. Something else my friend said stuck with me once, I only had my son at the time but she said, “You get used to being tired.” I think you end up living with it, and that feeling isn’t any less comfortable but you put up with it (probably for too long!) because it is your duty and you know that it won’t last forever.

 

Both of my other two, when it got to about 8 months and they slept through, I felt like I had been given a spa day for three weeks and put into a medicalised coma. I still felt quite exhausted after a few nights of 8 hours but I did feel much much better. It took awhile to get back used to it but then again, I would throw it all away staying up late, as I do!

 

How is your son now? What is his kind of, I don’t know the proper term but, can he live independently? Does he have friends? A girlfriend at all? 
 

You remind me a lot of my mums cousin, who’s first son is autistic. Justin he is called. I really think he’s great, we genuinely get on, we even used to joke about Trump together (because we both liked him!) His mother is a real class act. Honestly. I couldn’t think of a better woman to be his mother. I don’t think anyone else would have been able to bear the burden. Just like yourself. I think you have been there, warm and strong, for your son. My mums cousin is just so classy. She looks like Julian Moore, she is a redhead with lots of Irish in her. Really stylish. The last time I saw her was in January, at my Grandma’s funeral. She made a bee line for me and wouldn’t part with me. I was so glad. I always admired her and love love loved talking too her!

 

She was supporting me because she asked how things were and just, the whole day, the funeral, it was hard for me it really was. I told her actually okay but, wow, I need sleep. I told her some days are real hard having all the kids. I told her it’s the biggest joy but some days I just want a holiday. She was wearing these glamorous sunglasses and she lifted them up and smiled, looking me in the eye, and told me that Justin sends on all the photos and updates I send her of the kids and house and our life, and she absolutely adores it, and told me how precious and beautiful they are, and that I was such a good mother (choke up!) and she started telling me similar stories of how she struggled, especially with Justin, with kids in the playground. We really had a heart to heart. 
 

My older two weren’t at the funeral. Too morbid a day for them. They were happily with my mother in law. I just had my baby girl wrapped up in my arms that day, I think she was about 4 months old. Anyway, parents of children who have special needs and conditions? I can’t tell you how much admiration and respect I have for you!

 

Seraphim, I don’t know how you do it!

 

x

[Seraphim]

3 hours ago, mylolita said:

Ohhh my! Just reading your run down over so many years made me feel exhausted! How did you DO IT?! I am not surprised something had to give!

I am not sure how I even got through it to tell you the truth. Maybe practice? I have been an insomniac since the age of 13 so 18 years at the point that I had my son. 

 

3 hours ago, mylolita said:

 

And whilst I was reading, before you mentioned at the end of your sons condition I thought, this must be something to do with her boys autism? How tough. Parents like me will never know of those behind the door struggles when it comes to babies, toddlers, children with other needs. I always think, it is hard enough when everything is normal and even keeled! 
 

How on earth did you get through?! 
 

I don’t have to work. I couldn’t imagine how you could concentrate and preform a job on such low hours of sleep over many years. 
 

I read somewhere that your brain, unhealthy as it is, alters to cope with it and you adapt in a way but it’s never going to compensate for the sleep you need. Something else my friend said stuck with me once, I only had my son at the time but she said, “You get used to being tired.” I think you end up living with it, and that feeling isn’t any less comfortable but you put up with it (probably for too long!) because it is your duty and you know that it won’t last forever.

Absolutely, there is a genetic reason for why they don’t sleep well. I read the study recently. I will have to find it and it has to do with the alteration of specific genes. ( there are 100’s of gene mutations involved with Autism which actually causes physical differences in the brain of an Autistic person) At this point I have been an insomniac for 42 years so I know no other way of being. I am perpetually tired for 4 decades. I think it contributed to my becoming diabetic my body had had enough. 
And, yes, it is your duty . 

 

3 hours ago, mylolita said:

 

How is your son now? What is his kind of, I don’t know the proper term but, can he live independently? Does he have friends? A girlfriend at all? 

My son is Autistic. Functioning labels or levels are actual false because they deny ability and disability. Ability and disability depends on the day and situation and what you have going on internally at any one time. Officially overall my son functions at a 13th percentile level. He is considered 90% disabled over all situations. He can handle his own hygiene that took until he was 17. He can wash his own clothing and do his banking online. Sometimes he can handle retail functions and sometimes not. If anything is not straight forward he quickly becomes confused and will abandon everything and head home . 
 

His working memory and processing ability are only 1st percentile or basically non existent. His long term memory is exceptional. 
 

He did graduate from Highschool with honours and attended college for a few years. 
 

He doesn’t have friends at our new location because Covid regulations impacted everything but he is getting to his cards now . He keeps in touch with his friends back home . He hasn’t had a gf since 8th grade. 
 

The psychologist figured he MIGHT be able to be independent with assistance at the age of around 40 and he is almost 25. 
 

I am his support system emotionally and otherwise. 

[Jibralta]

4 hours ago, mylolita said:

What helped you at the time and how long did it last for you?

I wish I had an answer for you. But I'm still dealing with it and I learn as I go.

[mylolita]

17 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I wish I had an answer for you. But I'm still dealing with it and I learn as I go.

Jibs! Are you kidding me! 🤠

 

I could have 9 plus more years of this limbo?! I wonder, y’know, all the internal turmoil, tossing and turning we do emotionally as teenagers, does it ever really stop? Maybe it just morphs? Is it just a myth that you turn 30 and clap your palms together to exclaim, “Everything is now perfect! I am finished! Bo diddly! Now let’s do BRUNCH!”

 

Oh man. I also wonder, the rich inner lives of the very elderly. You never hear of it do you. I suspect it may potentially be the most peaceful and satisfying, or the most white knuckled part of your personal life. What if you are the one that never “feels ready” and “has done everything I wanted too do!” and can comfortably, in pleasant satisfaction, sit up in your quilted bed reading about the Royals with not a worry left in your head?!

 

I don’t believe it. I suspect the whole thing might be a farce. All this constant improving. Not everyone becomes golden and enlightened, surely?! Probably not me! Why should it even be me anyway?! 
 

There lies one of my greatest regrets - I never really asked my Grandma, who offered many t*t bits of information too me about how it was to really be so old and really be near the end and know it - I never really took her up on any of it. I didn’t have the audacity. I really wanted too as well, so badly, but it always felt cruel and I wanted to lift her spirits when I visited her, not potentially drag her down. She did say one thing to me on the last phone call we ever had. She said, “I have a lot on my mind.” I will never know what she meant by that.

 

Holy smokes, I am sorry, God is that depressing! For a Sunday as well! Happy Weekend ya’ll! 🥲

 

People openly talk about how they feel as kids, teenagers, young adults, the mid life crisis. After 60 it seems to drop off. These people don’t stop feeling. I really wish I had asked her. It never felt it was the right time.

 

x

[mylolita]

18 hours ago, Seraphim said:

I am not sure how I even got through it to tell you the truth. Maybe practice? I have been an insomniac since the age of 13 so 18 years at the point that I had my son. 

 

Absolutely, there is a genetic reason for why they don’t sleep well. I read the study recently. I will have to find it and it has to do with the alteration of specific genes. ( there are 100’s of gene mutations involved with Autism which actually causes physical differences in the brain of an Autistic person) At this point I have been an insomniac for 42 years so I know no other way of being. I am perpetually tired for 4 decades. I think it contributed to my becoming diabetic my body had had enough. 
And, yes, it is your duty . 

 

My son is Autistic. Functioning labels or levels are actual false because they deny ability and disability. Ability and disability depends on the day and situation and what you have going on internally at any one time. Officially overall my son functions at a 13th percentile level. He is considered 90% disabled over all situations. He can handle his own hygiene that took until he was 17. He can wash his own clothing and do his banking online. Sometimes he can handle retail functions and sometimes not. If anything is not straight forward he quickly becomes confused and will abandon everything and head home . 
 

His working memory and processing ability are only 1st percentile or basically non existent. His long term memory is exceptional. 
 

He did graduate from Highschool with honours and attended college for a few years. 
 

He doesn’t have friends at our new location because Covid regulations impacted everything but he is getting to his cards now . He keeps in touch with his friends back home . He hasn’t had a gf since 8th grade. 
 

The psychologist figured he MIGHT be able to be independent with assistance at the age of around 40 and he is almost 25. 
 

I am his support system emotionally and otherwise. 

Seraphim,

 

From what I gather, your whole life has been a huge, and extremely difficult test, and for that, truly, I bow my head too you, I really do. 
 

It seems a positive diagnosis regarding his independence at around 40. Justin is about 45 now and holds his own part time job at a charity shop. He is obsessed with football and running. Every five aside game he is involved with, I get a message of the exact run down. What time a goal was scored, who scored it. It’s darling. I love it. There is such joy in his messages and his passion for his activities and work. He is brutally honest as well, it’s beyond refreshing, but I realise me having as much of a conversation I can with him and being his mother is a completely, totally, different universe. I can’t imagine or comprehend.

 

Does he have any intense passions any hobbies? I think this is quite common with autism? Or am I wrong there? I really know nothing about it Seraphim.

 

All I can say is, I muddle through, struggle, sometimes have amazing days sometimes think how am I gonna keep this up for the next, forever! But I have to take my hat off too you and say, you have some strength there! Blows me away! You deserve any rest and happiness that comes your way Seraphim.

 

x

[Jibralta]

3 hours ago, mylolita said:

I could have 9 plus more years of this limbo?! I wonder, y’know, all the internal turmoil, tossing and turning we do emotionally as teenagers, does it ever really stop? Maybe it just morphs? Is it just a myth that you turn 30 and clap your palms together to exclaim, “Everything is now perfect! I am finished! Bo diddly! Now let’s do BRUNCH!”

I think you just get used to managing it, to be honest. Your resignation and fortitude muscles start developing, and they make you more resilient. More able to say, Fck it. I don't care. On to brunch. You'll probably surprise yourself with what you are capable of processing while having a perfectly pleasant brunch. 

I will say that around 40, I stopped worrying about a lot of the useless crap that troubled me throughout my 20s and 30s. It felt important then, but I see it as useless now. felt a lot better in general, like I was firmly rooted in my own shoes. I've heard others say the same thing, especially women. I remember being younger, looking at 40 year olds and thinking that it must be awful to be so out of touch with things. Man, I was wrong. It's awesome.

4 hours ago, mylolita said:

I also wonder, the rich inner lives of the very elderly. You never hear of it do you. I suspect it may potentially be the most peaceful and satisfying, or the most white knuckled part of your personal life. What if you are the one that never “feels ready” and “has done everything I wanted too do!” and can comfortably, in pleasant satisfaction, sit up in your quilted bed reading about the Royals with not a worry left in your head?!

I think that after people go through all of the trials and tribulations of life, they feel peace at the end. Even if life really sucked for them and they've ended up twisted and depraved. Life's a ball mill and it wears down our emotions and rough edges. So, I think that elderly people feel peace, whether they like it or not. 

[mylolita]

10 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I think you just get used to managing it, to be honest. Your resignation and fortitude muscles start developing, and they make you more resilient. More able to say, Fck it. I don't care. On to brunch. You'll probably surprise yourself with what you are capable of processing while having a perfectly pleasant brunch. 

I will say that around 40, I stopped worrying about a lot of the useless crap that troubled me throughout my 20s and 30s. It felt important then, but I see it as useless now. felt a lot better in general, like I was firmly rooted in my own shoes. I've heard others say the same thing, especially women. I remember being younger, looking at 40 year olds and thinking that it must be awful to be so out of touch with things. Man, I was wrong. It's awesome.

I think that after people go through all of the trials and tribulations of life, they feel peace at the end. Even if life really sucked for them and they've ended up twisted and depraved. Life's a ball mill and it wears down our emotions and rough edges. So, I think that elderly people feel peace, whether they like it or not. 

This is a fabulous response Jib!

 

I can say, it gives me comfort! I worry that it is part of my mind set and personality to turn things over on a loop but, maybe it’s a phase like you have said? Just another part of life and growing up! I hope I can message you on here in 9 years time at 40 and tell you how it all turned out 😉

 

And hell yeah! Probably do need more brunches in my life 🤣 My husbands best response is, “Take it easy!” (And then that makes me think straight of the Soprano’s line - “Take it easy! We’re not makin’ a Western here!”)

 

x

[Seraphim]

He is interested in Anime and Star Wars . He is also interested in animation and directing . 

[mylolita]

I’m not in a great mood, but I am in a really great mood…! Surely there must be a word in French that describes that perfectly?! 
 

The sun has peeped through for us this afternoon and whilst the kids slept I spent an hour dancing around our lounge to slow and sultry grooves. There is still part of me that misses being a professional dancer, despite how many people would scoff at erotic dancing as qualifying as actual dancing, I care not a jot! Expression is expression too me. And if you receive payment for it, it becomes professional. There is a well of depth inside me that needs that performance, even if it is privately between myself, or I start to wilt, mentally and physically. 
 

I have started realising I treat all of life like one big stage. And why not? I used to think that was a bad thing. If no one is there to witness me, I will still go about my act. So many of my most private thoughts and moments have been put out there for others and in full view, that sitting alone by myself seems to feel more awkward than being slinked half naked on a risen, single beam lit stage in front of 300 men. I am comfortable being naked because I have no shame and nothing to hide. And the mob accept me, flaws and graces entirely.

 

I went out with the kids still feeling tired, but just, nicely amped up and alive despite it all, I don’t know what the mixture was but it was elevating. A guy in the supermarket told me I was “on form”! 
 

Mama still got it! Thank YOU Sade! 
 

I have a momentum too me, for better or for worse, and it‘s gonna sweep you up, whether you want it or not. And you will not forget me.
 

Life, throw at me what you will. I’m not only gonna get through, but I’m gonna do it with style! 

 

x

 

What do you mean? 
I'm sorry by the way 
Never coming back down 
Can't you see? 
I could, but wouldn't stay 
Wouldn't put it like that

What do you mean? 
I'm sorry by the way 
Never coming around 
It'd be so sweet if things just stayed the same 

All the lights couldn't put out the dark 
Running through my heart 
Lights up and they know who you are 
Know who you are 
Do you know who you are? 

Shine 
Step into the light 
Shine 
So bright sometimes 
Shine 
I'm not ever going back now