Diary Of A Redhead

[mylolita]

On 5/9/2022 at 7:06 PM, Seraphim said:

Your son is a bright little one. ❤️

Seraphim! Thank you! I think he is, and brightest part is his sweetness!

 

I feel bad mentioning him more because he is older and talking but, my middle girl is as sharp as a tack too. And my God, is she independent and confident! No fear, at all! I imagine lots of girls at two and a half are like this that you see? With this, do or die streak! 
 

x

[Seraphim]

Absolutely many little girls are fiery and forces of nature . I got kicked out of daycare at 2 years old for my fiery nature . 😂

[Jibralta]

Just now, Seraphim said:

Absolutely many little girls are fiery and forces of nature . I got kicked out of daycare at 2 years old for my fiery nature . 😂

I knocked a little boy's tooth out in nursery school! He and a few other boys were chasing me. I climbed to the top of some monkey bars to get away--that was usually a failsafe as I was generally the only kid that climbed high like that. But this kid was an anomaly. He climbed up the other side and blocked my escape. Meanwhile, the other two boys had caught up and were climbing the ladder behind me. So, I punched the kid in the face and dropped through the middle. It's a shame... we could have been friends! I didn't get in trouble because it honestly was self-defense.

Something like that also happened to me in 5th grade and I broke the kid's collarbone. Big kid, too. I didn't mean to do it; I was just trying to get him away from me. I felt terrible when he came in two days later with his arm in a sling. I didn't have the courage to apologize. I didn't really know him. Years later, when I was in high school, my friend and I were walking in the same direction as him and his friend. She said, "Do you know Rob? He went to your school." I said, "Yeah, I broke his collarbone." She was like, "You're full of sht!!" He was a tall, muscular kid and I could see why she didn't believe me. I said, "Yeah, I did," and to my horror she shouted, "Het Rob! Did she break your collarbone?" He kinda hung his head and said, "Yeah...." And his friend immediately started jumping up and down, busting his balls. It was all good, though. Rob was a good-natured guy.

[mylolita]

 

[Seraphim]

2 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I knocked a little boy's tooth out in nursery school! He and a few other boys were chasing me. I climbed to the top of some monkey bars to get away--that was usually a failsafe as I was generally the only kid that climbed high like that. But this kid was an anomaly. He climbed up the other side and blocked my escape. Meanwhile, the other two boys had caught up and were climbing the ladder behind me. So, I punched the kid in the face and dropped through the middle. It's a shame... we could have been friends! I didn't get in trouble because it honestly was self-defense.

Something like that also happened to me in 5th grade and I broke the kid's collarbone. Big kid, too. I didn't mean to do it; I was just trying to get him away from me. I felt terrible when he came in two days later with his arm in a sling. I didn't have the courage to apologize. I didn't really know him. Years later, when I was in high school, my friend and I were walking in the same direction as him and his friend. She said, "Do you know Rob? He went to your school." I said, "Yeah, I broke his collarbone." She was like, "You're full of sht!!" He was a tall, muscular kid and I could see why she didn't believe me. I said, "Yeah, I did," and to my horror she shouted, "Het Rob! Did she break your collarbone?" He kinda hung his head and said, "Yeah...." And his friend immediately started jumping up and down, busting his balls. It was all good, though. Rob was a good-natured guy.

This other two year thought he would take a truck from me. So apparently I left him have it in the form of cracking him across the head with it. Mind it was real metal trucks back then . They called my grandmother to come and get her heathen. She then called my mom to give her crap for me embarrassing her. 

[Seraphim]

Apparently I was just as fearsome then as I am now. If you get in my face I am going to hand you your …😂🤦‍♀️

[mylolita]

18 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I knocked a little boy's tooth out in nursery school! He and a few other boys were chasing me. I climbed to the top of some monkey bars to get away--that was usually a failsafe as I was generally the only kid that climbed high like that. But this kid was an anomaly. He climbed up the other side and blocked my escape. Meanwhile, the other two boys had caught up and were climbing the ladder behind me. So, I punched the kid in the face and dropped through the middle. It's a shame... we could have been friends! I didn't get in trouble because it honestly was self-defense.

Something like that also happened to me in 5th grade and I broke the kid's collarbone. Big kid, too. I didn't mean to do it; I was just trying to get him away from me. I felt terrible when he came in two days later with his arm in a sling. I didn't have the courage to apologize. I didn't really know him. Years later, when I was in high school, my friend and I were walking in the same direction as him and his friend. She said, "Do you know Rob? He went to your school." I said, "Yeah, I broke his collarbone." She was like, "You're full of sht!!" He was a tall, muscular kid and I could see why she didn't believe me. I said, "Yeah, I did," and to my horror she shouted, "Het Rob! Did she break your collarbone?" He kinda hung his head and said, "Yeah...." And his friend immediately started jumping up and down, busting his balls. It was all good, though. Rob was a good-natured guy.

Jib!!! 🤣

 

Excellent! Are you sure you’re not actually a natural redhead??? 😜

 

I love your stories! 
 

x

[mylolita]

13 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Apparently I was just as fearsome then as I am now. If you get in my face I am going to hand you your …😂🤦‍♀️

I like the sound of your ship captain! 
 

Keep on!

 

x

[mylolita]

I was gonna write something that might have been quite profound for a Monday evening in May but, maybe it’s enough from the Stripper Philosopher for one night.

 

I am almost there, but then? I scramble an egg.

 

Lucky ya’ll!

 

x

[mylolita]

7 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Jib!!! 🤣

 

Excellent! Are you sure you’re not actually a natural redhead??? 😜

 

I love your stories! 
 

x

Just to add, (because I have to turn everything back onto myself and my big ego), that, I don’t have any tales of warmongering and courage and spirit from my nursery toddler days. 
 

Just, curling up on a bean bag by the window to sleep that became “mine” because I was bored of it all. And trying to escape, all the time. Any excuse 🥲

 

Adore the stories. Love ‘em! And Jib, you have a real, true talent for the retell you know, you really do. Seriously.

 

x

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, mylolita said:

I was gonna write something that might have been quite profound for a Monday evening in May but, maybe it’s enough from the Stripper Philosopher for one night.

I'm curious!

It's a lovely Monday evening in May here. Temperature is just right. We have the windows wide open. I see sunlight and hear rain and birds.

[mylolita]

7 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I'm curious!

It's a lovely Monday evening in May here. Temperature is just right. We have the windows wide open. I see sunlight and hear rain and birds.

Sounds absolutely perfect, heaven on earth!

 

I’m just being a loon. I am always half an hour away from doing anything 🤣 I have a thought every five minutes and I sometimes think if I started I’d never leave the typewriter. Doesn’t mean it would be good - HA! 
 

Too much commotion in my mind Jib!

 

It’s not too late, is it? It’s not too late yet, for me? I think, there is a cut off point in life for certain things. We know this. I think it forces our hand sometimes, realising the passage of time and how we also pass in it! 
 

A few years ago, when we were, high rolling, in many ways, and I was still fairly young and slim and contained that little bit more, I don’t give a fig - my ego and I were tempted to purposefully go back to my old town and just, revel in the idea that maybe, an old friend from school or, everyone I had either left behind or fell out with, or worked for, would oh so casually but on purpose see me step out of my fancy car and ohhhh, we might chat and talk about my beautiful children and my marriage and my huge glamorous and quite stately house.
My indulgence and satisfaction and fooling of myself that this would somehow confirm to my inner tormentor that look, I DID make it and look, I DID make some of those dreams a reality.

 

I never went for such a cringe. Maybe not because it would be embarrassing and tacky, but because secretly, I thought no, you’re not there yet. It‘a not good enough yet. Everyone I used to know, nearly 20 years ago - I purposefully let them all hit the wind and I made it so no one knew anything of what I was doing.

 

But here is the thing I have to confront with my gluttonous inner self and that little mantra it keeps telling me, that on one hand, I ain’t nothing, just a regular girl as regular as they come, and to get over any wild card dreams you may have, cos this is real life, and you’re 32 now, with a much bigger a**, and financially, things hit the fan, although the front put up is decent. 
 

Then on the other, conceited hand, we have the inflated cocky energetic one, the one who tells me it’s not me that’s wrong, it’s everyone else. That one tells me to shut up, pull myself together, and go finish out that list. That you will get what you want, because you always do. The one who tells me that other voice is just the voice I’m supposed to have to be a GOOD PERSON. So, just do it, and please, shut up. Just write the God damn thing. Just dance it out. Just tell the kids it’s bedtime now. It tells me, the vintage Rolls is waiting, all you have to do is decide if that is what you really want.

 

I spent half my time complaining when we had lots of money, and I spend half my time complaining when we don’t. What is this?

 

Am I incapable of any type of satisfaction, for even, a day? Everything’s either great on an evening or great on the morning. I can’t have both. Isn’t that just a metaphor for life, right? You’re either up with the sun or laying with the stars. Which you prefer is your preference. 
 

I have to come to the horrible conclusion that, behind the sweetness and the generosity and the yes, the taking on and yes, the caring, maybe a little too hard sometimes, that deep down, I think I am superior to people. What kind of person does that make me now? And how fragile an ego does that make really, when things turn and don’t go the way you exactly pictured?

 

I never thought the rules applied to me. In everything. In love, in school, in life. I never wore a mask, ever. I never got caught or told off. In school, if I didn’t want to go to a lesson, I didn’t. I didn’t want to trudge through endless boyfriends, so I didn’t. In friendships, I selected who I wanted, and secretly thought they such be grateful to even be invited to the house, that they should really know, their time is temporary with me, and that I will get bored of them very quickly when I realise they have nothing new for me to hear. I was never afraid of being out smarted, or never intimidated by anyone’s intelligence, because that puffed up little tune inside told me I was their match, if not in their particular field, in everything else. 
 

Isn’t this just ugly and revolting? To be so jumped up? And the worst of it all is, it’s wrapped up in a rosy cheeked unassuming package where no one would suspect the torrent inside. 
 

I’m just begging, begging for someone to bring me down a peg. D is the only one who has ever even begun and succeeded. 
 

He was lying in the bath yesterday and I was telling him how a friend who is an ex dancer I worked with is coming up for dinner out soon. She recently got out of a relationship with another girl, although she has a son with her ex boyfriend who is a gangster, in the real sense. D started joking with me. I said well if it were me and Nancy in a relationship, someone is always the butch one and the other always the femme. Even in straight relationships. Which one would I be?

 

He said, lifting out the water, “Are you kidding? You and Nancy?! You’d walk all over her! You’d be the guy, definitely.”

 

”Are you serious!!”

 

He reaches out a wet hand and tried to slap my a** but I playfully push him away. “Hey I’d LOVE to see THAT!”

 

We’re laughing and so we start going through all my other female friends and no brainier again with every one he says I am the dominant one without hesitation. I’m even starting to feel insulted in my femininity here but secretly I know he’s right. I have a very masculine, Tom boy side to me and I don’t know, people tend to step aside and let me take control. I don’t want to half the time, but it just happens that way and I am very comfortable. 
 

When I started the exotic dancing, all of 19 and pale and only a year ago a total virgin, I braced myself to walk into a room of 30 of the most crazy, aggressive, confident and out there women. Instead, they all fell silent and I received nothing but compliments, friendliness and respect. I later found out, months later, that they all suspected I was an undercover cop. I used to think how stupid and ridiculous this was. It’s not a Hollywood bust out or whatever, it was a small, insignificant club. But the fact they thought that’s what I was, is kind of curious to me.

 

No one intimidated me. I would adore to meet someone who did though. If you want to verbally parlay, I absolutely love it. If you want to play games, don’t worry, I know you are. I know what your weaknesses are and I know what mine are. Because I know them, there is nothing you can say too me that can reveal some crack I haven’t ran my finger over. I revel in my flaws sometimes more than my virtues. They have helped me more than the nice bits. 
 

I don’t know what kind of confession this is. They would probably burn me at the stake if I was back when. But, I wouldn’t have gone quietly. In fact, that voice now says, like hell they would have even got as far as laying down the wood.

 

Is this life survival? Is this life, survival of the ego? Do you think there is a social hierarchy, with us being animals? Are you at the top of it? Are you somewhere in between? Do you know yourself, including all the dark parts? And do you like them, or would you change them?

 

I know revealing not so pleasant thoughts and traits wins no friendships and gains no championing, but sometimes I feel so up there and alone with it all anyway that, what does it matter?

 

Who am I trying to impress anyway?

 

The main person you need to be cool with is, yourself. And all the other voices inside there playing out for air time. 
 

Does this mean I’m crazy? Or just human? 
 

Are you sharp, but just don’t use it? Is there pen mightier than the sword? Brain over braun? Or best of both? Normally the twain never meet. 
 

People describe me as warm, caring, friendly. But there is a cold, cold side to me, not too deep down. I don’t know. It bends situations small or large to my way. 
 

I wasn’t even going to go into anything like this at all. I suppose maybe this is what I really had to get off my, dark little chest!

 

So you can hate me now! Or I could keep talking and you could hate me more! But the fact of the matter is that, I know who I am. Do I like that person all the time? No. Definitely not. Do I like that person some of the time? Oh yeah, sure. 
 

Do I picture life like an apple tree, branches just low enough to pluck whichever fruit I feel looks ripest? Of course. 
 

Even in the hardest times, at the lowest points, I feel, is just a self inflicted glitch, keeping me on my toes, before I shake those branches down baby, and we have ourselves a sugar topped pie.

 

So here’s to apples, and making them hot! Like it or lump it, you either have a sweet tooth, or you don’t.

 

x

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, mylolita said:

I spent half my time complaining when we had lots of money, and I spend half my time complaining when we don’t. What is this?

 

Am I incapable of any type of satisfaction, for even, a day?

Welcome to The Human Condition 🤣

1 hour ago, mylolita said:

Do you think there is a social hierarchy, with us being animals?

Yes, but it's complex like the economy.

1 hour ago, mylolita said:

Is there pen mightier than the sword? Brain over braun? Or best of both? Normally the twain never meet.

That seems to be the conventional wisdom, but I think they meet more than most people realize.

[mylolita]

 

 

I don't care long as you here by 10:30, no later than, drop them drawers, give me what I want.

 

[mylolita]

I can’t wait! for winter.

 

Here, it’s such a summer time beach life clean life go with the flow type place. The sun being out and proud suits this towns bone structure. But honestly, what a clash. 
 

The sand may be white, the waves may be rolling, and the breeze may be sweet, but in my mind, the hem of my dress is getting trailed through the muddy dullness of a wet field and I am heading for the woods. Jane Austen style. 
 

Mr Darcy has been working a lot recently and I am finding our lustful torrent of a relationship caught up in petty s***y bickering. I know it’s time for a talk but I go on the defensive or worse, go on the attack. 
 

A surprising thing happened - a pleasant amount of inheritance money found it’s way to me after my Grandma died in January. I didn’t expect a bean, she didn’t really have anything at all, apart from awesome wit! And a no prisoner attitude. Everyone hated her, which made me love her more. But, generously of Mum, she sent me and my sister a quarter each of what she got herself. I kept telling her no, she wired it anyway. What was I to do?! We are in the middle of a massive house renovation set to cost about 120k in 4 months, my husbands business is struggling, the financial futures of the world are UNSURE, and I have just been on a shopping spree that would make ya head spin and has given even me heart palpitations of guilt the day after. The bill would make Liberace blush. 
 

WHAT AM I DOING???!!!!

 

Time for coffee and forgetting it ever happened. Until the parcels started arriving.

 

x

[mylolita]

F**k it, I don’t feel like going home just yet.
I’m angry and tired and pent up and high high high. 

 

Take the straight ahead, lets drive. 

Catching an emotional wave, I want to ride it. I don’t care about control. Leave me to it. I don’t need your rules. I despise your regulation. 
 

I know what I am. I can see these bars. Open your own lid first, then you can look me level in the eye.

 

Youth wasn’t wasted on me my dear. I cashed that cheque, no regrets.

 

You think we’re alike. You’re so wrong. Don‘t make the mistake of finding similarity. You’re dealing with a distinctly different species.

 

Why do I need to be a doctor, when you can be that for me? Why do I need to be a lawyer, when you can do that too? Why do I need to lift one finger, when once asked, is received? You want to tap this endless reserve? I can just go on, and on, and on, and on. 
 

You think you’re going to climb all the levels, get to that final door. There is no end game. There is no tomorrow. There is only now. 

 

I’m just playing baby, and you’re my yarn.
 

 

“Don't tell me I don't know you,
I don't know you.”

-Bondax, ‘All I See’

 

x

 

[mylolita]

This Halloween, I’m going as Marie Antoinette.

 

x

[Capricorn3]

Are you okay?

[mylolita]

When you look at the clock, been up since 4am with the bambino, and it’s only noon, but you’ve already clocked nearly a full 8 hour working day with no break.

 

Where do I file a complaint? These hours are inhumane!

 

Need more sleeeeeeeeeep!

 

x

[mylolita]

Only another 8 to go… 

 

Oh Lord have mercy on my soul, it‘s one of those days!

 

x

[itsallgrand]

Maybe you can return some of the shopping spree and/or sell off some stuff and hire some help here and there with the kids? 

Ignore if it's not useful. It's not meant to step on toes. Just seems your mental health is suffering and it might be an investment in that. 

 

[Seraphim]

I hear you. Hugs . My son was NOT a sleeper and I have been an insomniac most of my life. Sleep is so precious. Maybe get a nanny 1 or 2 days a week so you can sleep? 

[mylolita]

On 6/6/2022 at 5:04 PM, itsallgrand said:

Maybe you can return some of the shopping spree and/or sell off some stuff and hire some help here and there with the kids? 

Ignore if it's not useful. It's not meant to step on toes. Just seems your mental health is suffering and it might be an investment in that. 

 

Hey grand!

 

No no point taken, I understand! I said it with slight tongue in cheek but I was having a very long day that day. They all go down for a nap at the same time from 1pm till 3:30pm almost everyday without fail so I normally get chance to nap or relax then if I’m sensible and don’t start getting into something taxing!

 

It may sound terrible what I elude too on here, but I adore my time nearly mostly always and most days with the kids - I class this short time in my life while they are young as my “career” almost. I don’t want to let them go even. They have never even been to a nursery for one day. I don’t work outside the home, this is my only responsibility, so to speak.

 

I go to bed way too late, it’s partly my own fault. Instead of getting to bed at 9pm like I should, it’s often more like 1am nearly everyday. I am a natural night owl and find it so so hard to get myself to go to bed. I have absolutely no problem falling asleep at all it’s just, I don’t want too! The night time has always been my best and most favourite time but, I should really be strict on myself and bank more sleep since it’s ridiculous because I could!

 

Kicking myself and my childish “don’t wanna go to bed” ways grand!

 

The kids are very well behaved, good kids, my best friends, we are a very close tight knit family. My son is potentially starting school in a few months and I desperately don’t want to even think about him not being here with us during the day!

 

I think, it is almost a mothers right to have a vent when on a particularly tired day, whether she deeply means it or not 🥲 I would not change my situation for the world. 
 

I have always been up and down in my moods, children aside. The lack of sleep exacerbates things I am so sure but, stupidly, insanely(!) it is, self inflicted! As always!

 

x

[mylolita]

On 6/6/2022 at 6:13 PM, Seraphim said:

I hear you. Hugs . My son was NOT a sleeper and I have been an insomniac most of my life. Sleep is so precious. Maybe get a nanny 1 or 2 days a week so you can sleep? 

Hey Seraphim!

 

I understand - it really is, especially when you can be as prone to mood swings as I am. I just need to get my ass to bed! No excuses! I have a two hour break during the day, I could easily take a lovely nap every single day but I so rarely do. I start doing stupid things! And then once they are all in bed at 7:30/8ish if I’m doing bedtime solo because D is working away, I could so easily be asleep by 9:30. I suppose this is when my own adult “fun” starts and once I get a taste of job done, freedom! I just let the ball roll and I never want to turn in!

 

I’m sorry you had a hard time with your sleep Seraphim. I think deciding to have 3 babies close in 4 years is a given that, with them all being so young all at once, this type of thing is inevitable for me. Your son and his autism as I understand made your struggle so much harder when it came to sleep - I can’t imagine! 
 

I see them already growing up and I know these times with these specific hurdles will be over soon and I will desperately miss it. Most days I am present and even in the frustrating times I have an overwhelming amount of appreciation for how lucky I am, to financially be able to choose to stay home with my children and for, the rest of forever, if things stay the same. I feel immensely thankful that they are healthy, they are loved, they are so beautiful and have their own individual intelligence and talents. I hold on to so many moments, even during a regular, rainy day in. Sometimes they feel very long, like the times my youngest wakes up at 4 or 5(!) and sometimes they go too fast! 
 

x

[mylolita]

Just to also add,

 

I am not jumping on the defensive horse ladies - I thank you and take your suggestions seriously. I realise I have had my moments, all of which I release onto here.

 

I don’t know whether this is normal or not. I’m not sure. I know some mothers or people in general never mention their deepest or nearest to the bone struggles, so you would never know, making you, as another mother, almost presume other women are perfect and faultless in their execution from birth to waving them off at the door as they leave for university. 
 

I put a lot of my problems upon myself, I really do think that. I often don’t help myself or ask for help as often as I should, so your suggestions for help are probably right in the money! 
 

I don’t need it just yet, hopefully never. We were at the park today and my kids shouted over the whole space to me at the other end, “I LOVE YOU MAMMIIEEEEE!” 
 

They are full of life and happy little clams. I do need about three strong coffees but c’mon, I’m running on self inflicted 4-5 hours of sleep every night and have to keep up with a 4 year old, a near 3 year old and a nearly 1 year old baby so sometimes, I think I need to cut myself some slack!

 

They will be independent and grown so soon. My eldest son, the time with him as flown. It has for all of them. If I could go back and have them all as newborns again, I would crazily do it all over again, just to put my cheek to their tiny tops of heads again, or to feel the closeness when they nursed, warm and peaceful in the middle of the night. To hear that first, high, innocent and clumsy attempt at the word “dada!” I could go on! 
 

x