I want to get back with ex-wife 11 month breakup 9 year relationship

[kalikat]

Lol! I had a feeling que eran Cubanos! My family is Cuban as well. I was born in the U.S., but didn't speak English til I was about 7 yrs old.

So, Yeah, I understand how different the culture is than what they are used to here.

Because she relied on her parents help when you guys were not able to make ends meet, she now feels indebted to them to do "the right thing". And the way they see it right now, you are not "the right thing".

You need to get them to change their minds, get them to adore you. But you can't be obvious about it. Subtlety is the key.

Believe me, I would not be saying any of this if the Cuban factor was not an issue. But it is definitely something that will need to be dealt with. Send me a message thru this website if you want to talk more. : )

[AutumnBorn]

I completely agree with Kalikat - limited contact is best in this situation (always, always best when kids are involved) and the family seems to be key.

[pfbsurf]

GREAT advice. As hard as it is, you have to be the bigger man in all of this. Keep your cool, always be nice, even when sht is falling apart all around you. Keep your kids in mind 100% of the time, and things will work out for you.. Trust me on this one..

[pfbsurf]

I agree with you. I know she is frustrated and resentful because I couldn't provide when we were together. But now I can provide for her. As a mater of fact I can provide for her and for her entire family.

I dont want to brag or flash money in her face. But she started dating this guy because she thought I was completely done. I was literally HOMELESS, no car, no house, no child support, dirty clothes,

Now I drive a bmw and I a rented a 4 bedroom house right in front of her parents house.

She is in this relationship for 2 months already. I know she is in her honeymoon phase. If you were to tell me 1 year ago that I would have become an EBAY power seller I would have told you you were crazy because I didn't even have a computer.

 

 

Dude, if this is true - and you seem sincere - you NEED to write a book or something. Nice job.

 

Honestly, you need to keep focusing on that stuff, and being a Dad. I know you want her back and all that, but if you were my best friend, i'd say you were nuts. Guy like you - with drive and ambition, and a great Dad, who genuinely wants a woman to love him? At 30? I would think they'd be lining up around the corner to get a shot at you.... Ladies? Can I get some support on this?

 

Sorry, but my current view is that your ex doesn't deserve you.. Figure out the best custody arrangement you can, keep making bank, and take some time off from the ladies...

 

If your ex truly wants you back, it will have to be all on your terms.

[frankvega]

Dude, if this is true - and you seem sincere - you NEED to write a book or something. Nice job.

 

Honestly, you need to keep focusing on that stuff, and being a Dad. I know you want her back and all that, but if you were my best friend, i'd say you were nuts. Guy like you - with drive and ambition, and a great Dad, who genuinely wants a woman to love him? At 30? I would think they'd be lining up around the corner to get a shot at you.... Ladies? Can I get some support on this?

 

Sorry, but my current view is that your ex doesn't deserve you.. Figure out the best custody arrangement you can, keep making bank, and take some time off from the ladies...

 

If your ex truly wants you back, it will have to be all on your terms.

 

I left you a message in your inbox, Also please believe me when I say this, I tried moving on with other people and all I accomplish is feeling extremely empty and void inside.

Trust me when I say this, (And I am pretty sure a lot of guys here feel the same way), I would give every single last dime that I have just so that I can be with my family again, Money means nothing if you are not happy. Money comes and goes. Someone who has the ability of making money can always make it again if he looses it.

But being happy and together with the love of your life which in my case is the mother of my kids is priceless.

[chitown9]

I think the best way you can win her over is to advertise yourself. Be a walking billboard. Are you fit, Frank? Are you dressing in nice clothes? Are you taking care of yourself in general? What do you see when you look in the mirror? Do you see a confident man? I think what would wake her up is to for her to see you "looking good."

Also, I would secure the services of a financial advisor. I think you would be advised to to buy a house rather than rent one, for one thing. It is a wise decision for you to do this, and let it leak to her parents that you now have a financial advisor and your own tax consultant etc. etc. Let her and her parents stew about that one. Let her think about all this and I am quite sure that she will begin to realize that you just might be moving on and she could miss the boat.

 

However, on the other hand, she is not the only fish in the sea. You will find soneone else if this does not pan out, but I also get that you want to retain your family.

 

What is key here is that you appear to her and her family that you are moving on and are doing quite well, thank you. Fake it until you make it Frank! Make that your motto.

[frankvega]

Hi yes when I see her I dress in nice clothes, I also lost a lot of weight I look exactly as when she first met me, I got a new haircut and shaved my arms and chest hairs. She is always complimenting me on how much weight I lost and is constantly telling me how much she likes the perfume I have on.

 

Also for some reason she is asking me to meet up with her so that I can see the kids, sometimes 3 days in a row, where as before I saw them only once a month and with her parents, Every time we meet is like for 3 hours and it is just me and her and our 2 year old daughter because our 1 year old son is being looked after by her mother. She actually needs to lie to her parents and say she is going to the mall or something so that I can see them.

 

Also lately she is texting me practically all day. Sending me links to songs and stuff and saying to me how much that song reminds her of me. Yesterday she texted me from 8 at night until 12 in the morning. Also she is into astrology a lot and is always reminding me that we had the most compatible sings that exist(I am a Scorpio she is a Pisces) I really don't believe in that stuff but she always mentions it.

 

All of this is very confusing because everyone here would say that this is all breadcrumbs and means absolutely nothing.

 

She started doing all of this when I stopped chasing her. Also she is constantly calling my family and mutual friends and asking if I have someone else, which totally pisses me off because she is the one that has someone else.

 

I really want to understand the meaning of why she is doing these things if she supposedly has no interest in reconciliation.

[chitown9]

Also she is constantly calling my family and mutual friends and asking if I have someone else, which totally pisses me off because she is the one that has someone else.

 

.

 

I see. She does not want you but she does not want anyone else to have you either. She is keeping you around as her backup plan. Have you ever turned her down? When she texts you, do you ever reply, " Sorry, I am busy now. Will get back to you tomorrow." Do you ever not agree to meet up with her? My guess is that you are making yourself too available to her. She thinks that she has you at her beck and call because she does. Change that up a little bit and sit back and enjoy the fun. :surprise: chi

[frankvega]

I see. She does not want you but she does not want anyone else to have you either. She is keeping you around as her backup plan. Have you ever turned her down? When she texts you, do you ever reply, " Sorry, I am busy now. Will get back to you tomorrow." Do you ever not agree to meet up with her? My guess is that you are making yourself too available to her. She thinks that she has you at her beck and call because she does. Change that up a little bit and sit back and enjoy the fun. :surprise: chi

 

What you say makes so much sense, I am not needy towards her and I stopped chasing her months go but I am always available when she calls or text. Also the problem is that every time she ask to meet up is under the pretext of seeing the kids but since every time I see the kids I have to be with her for like 3 hours just me and her and our kids and she calls me to see the kids at least 3-4 times a week. I don't mind because they are my kids but I am afraid that by her seeing me so often will kill any chance of reconciliation and put me in the friend-zone.

 

Also now that my head is more clear to give some background. During the 9 years together we had an extremely co-dependent relationship it was very intense until she became pregnant with our second child 28 days after giving birth to our first child.

 

We were always very dependent on each other which absolutely does not bother me. I would really like to know what approach I don't can do to win her back before it is to late. Thanks

[Lester]

Hi Frank,

How long did you date your first wife and how old were you when you married her?

 

Helpful hint:

Love comes from above, within and must be learned.

By forcing it, you rob yourself of the time required for the task.

[frankvega]

Hi Frank,

How long did you date your first wife and how old were you when you married her?

 

Helpful hint:

Love comes from above, within and must be learned.

By forcing it, you rob yourself of the time required for the task.

 

My first wife I married when I was 19 years old I was in the Air force we dated about 1 year long distance and marriage lasted about 1 year and after we separated I never heard from her after separation.

 

The one I am posting about we had and extremely intense and passionate relationship for 9 years. We started living together 6 months after we met, We had our children in 2012 and 2013 they are 11 months apart, Up until last year when we were forced to separate because of financial reason.

[Lester]

While barely an adolescent you began your quest to force love into your life. This fear turned everything that could be love into a material possession.

 

Now older, your fear and prolonging techniques, (hiding behind material world... babies included), have created a world of confusion for you.

 

You need nice long break to discover yourself, her and what love really is.

 

A sample blueprint:

- Tell her about the above and how you want to fall in love with her and that, it may take a couple of years.

- You will not date others

- After six months alone you can start dating her. (If she can't or moves on... it's okay)

- Dating must be fun and respectful with the goal of marriage.

 

Frank, you must scrape all the crap off the table and start over.

 

PS, At this point... it's not about her.

[villagehero]

Bro I completely empathize with you on this predicament because, I too, have been tussling with the same mentality of wanting my family back. 9 Years together, never married, and a 4 year old. She broke up with me....blah blah blah you can read my overly dramatic story on the healing forum and maybe find some similarities.

 

Right now my ex is dating a new guy and has been for about the time we have been apart. I was a mess of a chump during the first 6-7 months of the breakup. The emotional roller coaster needed to happen to truly let out all the pent up frustration, disappointment, sadness, and despair that had taken over my mental state.

 

Congratulations on getting your money game spot on but now it seems that you are trying to get your self esteem and validation from her and that is not the case at all. She chose to walk away and search for a better option. Love is in such a constant state of change that maybe this is just the progression of the love between you two. I know that's what it is for me and my ex. But because of the bond that is children, the connection will always be there. Do i want her back? Of course. But I also don't want it to be in the terms that are set right now. Her dating someone else and me settling for her simply because "I miss her" or feel some sort of ownership to her is very weak, self defeating behavior. I used to want to settle for that......F*ck that noise. I now know the value of my worth and I won't let it succumb to my little insecurity of "I need my family back."

 

I know you are looking for answers that align with your "ego", and that's to have a blueprint to gain what you lost and rise into redemption. There are no right or wrong answers that others have posted on. But the sooner you can understand that you need to separate "ego" from "self-esteem" the better you will be at TRULY seeing the situation for what it is and began to address the true problem. Your happiness.

 

Your children will always be your children. That will never change REGARDLESS of what man comes into their lives. As long as you continue to show up and be a great father then nothing or no one for that reason really matters.

 

Go out and build yourself again. A BETTER YOU. When you feel fear or hesitation for doing new things or even going out alone, know that all that is is your ego expressing it's insecurities. And those are the very things you have to remove from yourself. The greatest way for her to fall in love with you again is to see you as a happy, independent, fun, charismatic, charming, adventurous young man who loves his children but most of all loves himself and is OUTCOME INDEPENDENT. If you get back with her and start anew, great. If you don't, then that's also great because it taught you what to do for your next great relationship but most imporantly it taught you to be your own source of happiness and joy.

 

I tell myself these things every day. It kills me when I see my ex pull up in her boyfriends BMW to pick up my daughter while I drive a HONDA. It hurts whenever I hear her refer me by my first name instead of "papi" the way she used to call me.

 

But those are all illusions. You must, metaphorically speaking, kill the old you and by your own hands. No one else can. It will fight tooth and nail to stay alive. But once you overcome this little by little, suddenly you will understand that this whole time it was all a thought process created by your old ego that generated all this neediness. Once that's out the way, then life/universe/God/etc.. can send new people and experiences towards you. But it must be because you are happy with who you are not with what you used to have.

 

Stand tall and shake the heavens. Be strong, soldier.

 

_Hero

[frankvega]

Thank you so much Villagehero, your reply is greatly appreciated. I need to get my self esteem back in order to even have a chance at ever reuniting my family,

BTW I drive a bmw 335 and for what is worth ya it is a great car but so is the honda(which I had before the bmw) The honda in my opinion is a great car some features are even better than the bmw like for example the radio and the dash board is so much easier to use.

 

I really thought that by go running to buy a bmw was going to magically bring my family back. Boy was I WRONG.

[Brotherhood67]

Mates, what you really need here is not a BMW or a Honda, It's A MERCEDES ^-^

 

Joke aside, don't take those "he has a bigger xx than me" issues for real.

 

What matters is you and only you. Don't compare. Who seems happy today might be tormented tomorrow.

 

Find Joy, it will last forever. And find it within yourselves !

 

PS : Ok, I agree, I prefer big cigars over small ones but that's the only exception

[frankvega]

Update: Please help i need some advice.

 

Ok so its been like 3 days that she has not texted me. And today out of the blue she just texted me that she needed to say something very important about 1 of our babies the smallest one.

 

I got scared because I thought it was something serious and I was driving home and she sounded like something happened to him that it was very important.

 

I responded what is it ???

 

and she said well what I need to say is that I want to take pictures with our smallest one but I want to take them like a family together with me and you, You know like a family with his mom and dad.

 

I really don't get it? she has a boyfriend already and supposedly she does not want to get back together. Why would she want to take pictures together like a family like if we are still together?

 

Also 4 days ago one of our mutual friends said that she completely erased her FB account were she used to post all the pics of her and her new BF saying how happy she is only after meeting him 3 months ago.

 

What should i do and what should i say? Yes , No ? i said i would let her know.

[Ms Darcy]

I think you are so desperate to get back you are reading signs into everything.

 

I'd stop paying attention to what she does on facebook and don't let friends update.

 

Also, I don't think thinking of her as your wife is a good idea. It may represent a difference in the way you see this and she sees it.

 

Basically, for anything she asks you, I'd only do it if it was necessary for the kids. This just seems like a mindf-ck.

[Doofus]

Ugh. These situations suck. When children are not involved, the best thing to do is to make it clear what you want tell her to let you know when she wants it too and, then, disappear. You can't do that, though. Maybe you can get to a rough approximation, though. I think you need to tell her (if you haven't already) that you want to be with her again, as a family. And that if she doesn't want that, too, you need her to stop behaving as if she does. It might be better for a while if your time with the kids doesn't include her or her family. Children should spend time with parents individually, if the parents are together. I think that this photo as a family thing is a good opportunity to bring this up.

[FRDM]

Why do you even have her on facebook? Just remove her from your facebook and contact her through text/email/phone. If she asks why you removed her just say the photos of her new boyfriend were upsetting you. In response to the rest, just take responsibility for the kids when you need to and act like their dad. Don't pay too much attention to anything else and just focus on being a good father and things will work themselves out.