I want to get back with ex-wife 11 month breakup 9 year relationship

[frankvega]

Hello this is the first time I post my situation here. I have been reading day and night different situations here and different stories and decided to post mines so that the experienced members can give me some advice.

Before anything I want to thank all members that help others. I realize that this is genuine advice and without a need or interest in doing so. For me this is priceless and much appreciated.

 

My situation started last year. I have been with my wife "although not legally married we been together 9 years and have 2 beautiful children a 1 year old and a 2 year old.

Problems started after having first child, I had lost my job and finding work in my field was becoming impossible. But I had a little bit of savings and managed to support my family. After having the first baby, Less than a month after giving birth we became aware that my ex was pregnant again. "Ya that was a shocker" and we decided to have it because abortion was out of the question. So literally we had what some would say "Irish twins".

 

During the second pregnancy things started going downhill and since I could not find employment my savings quickly started to vanish. After the second baby was burn was pretty much were our relationship hit rock bottom. It was purely financial she was caring for 2 babies and I was unemployed. Eventually because I could not pay the rent she was forced to move back in with her parents and I as well.

 

After she moved back with her parents we lost communication "which I don't blame her" and after months of being separated she decided she did not want this relationship any more.

I did the usual pleading and begging and promising that things were going to get better but in reality I was still struggling to get back on my feet.

After months being separated I learned thru FB that she started a new relationship about 2 months ago which totally devastated me.

I was so crushed that this is when I can truly say I HIT ROCK BOTTOM.

 

After seeing The love of my life and mother I my kids with someone else I decided to better my self and change my life completely. I lost 30 pounds in 2 months and I out of necessity started a rather successful business. I paid the child support money in full, I bought a new car, and I moved out of my moms house to a house twice as big to were we used to live. I can now truly say that I can support my family without any problems.

 

The only problem and reason that i am here is one thing and one this only. SHE SAYS IS TOO LATE AND SHE DOESN'T WANT TO GO BACK. she says that she found someone that trully makes her happy and that she really likes this guy.

About this guy. They have nothing in common. She barely speaks english and he is 100% American speaks no Spanish. She used to hate it when I didnt shave for 1 day and this guy has a full grown bread, She used to complain about me gaining weight after fatherhood and the guy is twice as overweight than me. She used to complain that I could not support our family and the guy left his job to soul search. She used to hate anything related to sci-fi and last week they attended comic con.

I really dont get it. Its like she is trying to relive our 9 year relationship in 2 months after meeting this guy. All she does all day is post in FB how happy she is and how loved she feels. Like in your face going to our secret intimate spots and posting pics with him there. Places that for anyone else would be insignificant but that she knows would truly devastate me.

I would really like to reunite our family because even though it is easier to move on and find someone new I would prefer to at least try for the sake of our kids and the love we once felt to save this.

 

Oh and one more thing. Today was the first time that I saw my kids with her alone after the breakup. Usually when I see them its with her parents and she is never there. But today to my surprise she was alone with me. We both were their strictly NC only watching after the kids. And right after I was helping her load the kids in the car. BAM!!! she starts CRYING out of control she totally lost it and started saying how much she hates me for letting this happen and that even if she wanted now its to late because she meet someone who is a real nice guy that doesn't deserve her leaving him for me. and how he is the best thing that ever happens to her.

 

I would really appreciate if you can give me your honest opinion on this. Especially from a women's point of view. Also I am 30 she is 29.

[kalikat]

I realize that this is a total stab in the dark, but....

Let me ask you this: How are her parents with you? Are they civil when you have been there to see the kids?

Being a hispanic female myself, I know just how much the cultural stuff can play a part in a situation like this.

It is possible that once she moved back in with her folks, they may have started saying things to her to make her feel like she was "letting them down", and telling her you weren't good enough for her, etc.

SO - she may feel that going back with you, she would once again be disappointing her parents -

Cuz when she said "even if she wanted to, now its too late"...to me that sounds like someone else is putting that thought in her head. because if she DID want to, it would never be too late

[frankvega]

I didnt want to mention her parents but you are absolutely right. Her parents after being forced to move back in with 2 babies started saying how bad of a choice she made having kids with me and how I am a loser.

Her parents not aware that I became rather successful, Especially so soon. I know how there psychology works and with them it would need to be subtle hints for them to change their mind about me. For example like one day I could ask them to see the kids and give them my address and when they go and see that I live by my self in a nice house that would totally change their perspective about me.

Its sad but true. And like you say. Success is so engraved in Hispanic culture that it is not even being materialistic its that they came to this country to better themselves not go worst than when they came.

[AutumnBorn]

Frank, you're in a tough spot. I agree with Kalikat, sounds like she's hearing things from others. I would start courting her family. If they like you, if they begin to think of you as "the good guy", they'll speak better of you. Have you thanked them for helping you and your family out when you were down and needed them? Tell them you'll always be grateful and ask if there's something you can do to repay them for their kindness. You'll at least gain a little respect, even if they don't like you right now. Remember, they've heard her side, so they may think the other guy is an improvement.

 

Secondly, always be kind to you ex. Very kind. Help the kids make a card or art project for her. Be the best ex you can be, the best dad you can be.

 

The fact that she said he didn't deserve to be left for you tells me it weighs heavy on her mind. And she feels a debt to him. If she were truly happy with him, the thought of leaving him for you wouldn't be on her mind and it clearly is.

[frankvega]

Thank you. Thank you so much this is the kind of advice that I would like to hear. I would really like to fix this and reunite my family.

Also I don't know if this helps but today when I saw her I saw that the guy was texting her literally every 5 min. Asking how she was. That gives the impression that he is extremely clingy or needy and knowing her she used to despise that.

[sharky988]

SHE SAYS IS TOO LATE AND SHE DOESN'T WANT TO GO BACK. she says that she found someone that trully makes her happy and that she really likes this guy.

 

Sorry, but the above is the only relevant factor here, imo.

 

I would back away and leave it alone unless and until she tells you differently. You can play guessing games about what she's "really" thinking all day..... but in your shoes I'd try BELIEVING HER when she tells you how she feels and what she wants!

 

Just curious: why didn't you ever marry her?

[Lec]

I don't understand. Why do you want to go back to someone who leave you when you're hitting rock bottom?

Even more that you are coming from Spain and how bad the situation is here.

And to be fair, if someone leave you because you can't provide security, well she or he was not with you because of love but because of fear.

[Destroyed 33]

Take your time. She is clearly pretending to a degree to be happy with this new guy. Even if she doesnt realize it yet, its a front. If she broke down a cried the way you explained, she is clearly very confused and still has deep feelings for you. If you have an opportunity to talk with her again, think long and hard about your approach but do not force it. Do not chase her. Do not spill your guts the next time you happen to see her. Keep working on your life and your success and take your time. You cant change the way you feel. There are kids involved and she sounds like she may not truly be happy with the situation that she is in as hard as she is trying to portray that everything is great.

 

It actually sounds to me like you are in a good spot but you need to remain strong, hold yourself back, stay on the path that you are currently on. Its over right now but it might not be out of the question for you to get a phone call or a knock on the door from a crying, regretful girl who you really care about somewhere down the road. Right now, keep moving forward on your own and avoid the drama. Let nature take its course.

[frankvega]

Thank you for your replies. What I am going to do is work on myself even more. She says she is very happy but she is consistently texting links to songs that are about how I lost her and about despair and grief. Like somehow she is mourning the breakup.

Its funny before I met her in my past relationships when I met someone new and I was happy me ex would not even cross my mind. It was total indifference I didn't text them all day saying to them how happy I was or sent them songs so that they can become melancholic about what they lost.

[sharky988]

She isn't mourning the loss.... she's enjoying herself with a new boyfriend.

 

You'll always be in her life -- and hence, on her mind -- because you have two children together.

 

You never answered the question why you never married her? Just curious, we hear this a lot around here about couples who are together for so long but never marry, even though "everything was great".....

[frankvega]

To be honest the reason I never married her was because when I was in the Airforce I had a very short lived marriage 6 months. We separated and I moved to Florida and my other ex stayed in new mexico. It took years to finally get her served and go thru with the divorce. By that time our daughter was already born and things were getting complicated financially.

Also although important for me, she would always say that marriage is just a piece of paper. Regardless and with all honesty she never pressed the issue. We lived together for 8 years.

[sharky988]

To be honest the reason I never married her was because when I was in the Airforce I had a very short lived marriage 6 months. We separated and I moved to Florida and my other ex stayed in new mexico. It took years to finally get her served and go thru with the divorce. By that time our daughter was already born and things were getting complicated financially.

Also although important for me, she would always say that marriage is just a piece of paper. Regardless and with all honesty she never pressed the issue. We lived together for 8 years.

 

I would NOT discount the fact that she didn't feel the urge to marry you. Most women really DO want the commitment of marriage, especially when kids are involved.

 

I think you should take this as another red flag that she is possibly not as invested in you as you currently believe her to be.

[frankvega]

She isn't mourning the loss.... she's enjoying herself with a new boyfriend.

 

You'll always be in her life -- and hence, on her mind -- because you have two children together.

 

You never answered the question why you never married her? Just curious, we hear this a lot around here about couples who are together for so long but never marry, even though "everything was great".....

 

From what I can tell I know you are very knowledgeable and experienced with these types of situations. Just from your post count alone I know you have more experience than most physiologist.

I know the chances are very slim and that it is easier to just find someone new and move on. But I would like to know what can I do to even have a remote chance of getting back. I really don't want my kids to grow up in a broken family.

Also she is constantly texting me about how I lost her and stuff without me even asking her.

[sharky988]

I'm in no way as qualified as a psychologist to give advice on such matters and speak only from my own personal experience and what I've observed from my own relationships and among my friends.

 

I think there's a fair amount of resentment that she's feeling toward you. That's why I asked -- why no ring? Because she seems angry and very frustrated with you at this point. Is her new boyfriend offering her financial security? Is he proposing after just a few months together, when you never did after so many years together? To me, this seems like a more believable motivation than her being "confused" or still having feelings for you.

[frankvega]

From what I observed yesterday will seeing the children with her alone for the first time is that her new boyfriend would literally text her every 5 minuntes within a 3 hour time span. Her boyfriend is not wealthy and he is not offering financial security but he does take her out to restaurants and stuff.

As to marriage I can now without a problem afford a proper wedding if that is what Is will take to reconcile. 5 months ago I was homeless and I couldn't even pay child support. She was in shock when I paid all the child support in full and in one payment because she never would of thought I was capable of getting back on my feet.

After we met for the kids towards the end when we were loading the kids in her car she broke down and started crying and saying why did I make her do this and that she cant get me out of her mind and that even If she wanted to now its too late because he is a genuinely nice guy.

I didn't talk bad about the guy because I know that is a sure fire way of blowing my chance for reconciliation. I also told her from now on I think it would be best if I saw the kids with her parents because I know that that would be probably the only way of having a shot at this is by wining her parents again.

[sharky988]

Forget about her parents -- this is her decision, her life.

 

Right now she's telling you NO. Respect what she says, back off and give her space.

 

To me, it sounds like she's saying to you: "Why couldn't you have been a provider when we were together?" This is a source of frustration and probably some anger.

 

But to you -- and any other Dumpee out there who thinks they know their ex's mind better than they themselves do -- I'd say BELIEVE what she tells you. No means no. She's perfectly capable of saying YES if/when she ever decides that's what she wants.

[frankvega]

I agree with you. I know she is frustrated and resentful because I couldn't provide when we were together. But now I can provide for her. As a mater of fact I can provide for her and for her entire family.

I dont want to brag or flash money in her face. But she started dating this guy because she thought I was completely done. I was literally HOMELESS, no car, no house, no child support, dirty clothes,

Now I drive a bmw and I a rented a 4 bedroom house right in front of her parents house.

She is in this relationship for 2 months already. I know she is in her honeymoon phase. If you were to tell me 1 year ago that I would have become an EBAY power seller I would have told you you were crazy because I didn't even have a computer.

[sharky988]

It's all about YOU..... you're totally ignoring what she's telling you.

 

I don't think anything I say is going to matter here -- but good luck to you! I hope it works out as you hope.

[frankvega]

What She is telling me is that she is mad at me for not providing for her when I had the chance. What I am telling her is now I can provide for her.

I can take what she says literally and say sorry you feel that way and move on meanwhile she stays with her resentment and frustration or I can persuade her to give this another shot.

That is why I am here for and why I am seeking advice. I want an opportunity to redeem my self. I know it is real easy for some to just move on and find someone new and to just forget all the years you had invested but for some is not easy. And giving the opportunity of fixing it (I didn't have money before and now i have) i would at least try to fix this.

[sharky988]

It's not easy for ANYONE to move on.

 

You cannot persuade someone to love you. You cannot persuade someone to WANT to be with you.

 

You can only respect what they say and give them space and hope for the best.

[AutumnBorn]

Frank, you know your ex better than anyone. Do what your heart tells you is right and rings true for YOU, not what anyone else says you should do or has done. You must be true to yourself and nobody else.

 

Your ex is obviously confused.

 

Are you responding to her texts?

[AutumnBorn]

Double post. Stupid internet connection.

[frankvega]

Frank, you know your ex better than anyone. Do what your heart tells you is right and rings true for YOU, not what anyone else says you should do or has done. You must be true to yourself and nobody else.

 

Your ex is obviously confused.

 

Are you responding to her texts?

 

I am responding but not in a needy or clingy manner. Also I am aware that it is not the correct thing to do since responding to her text will kill any chances of her missing me.

I really don't know how to go about that since we have 2 toddlers.

Do you think by using NC will at least give me a fighting chance at getting back?

I know NC is for moving on but I also know if used right it can be helpful in getting back together as well.

I will put every effort that I possibly can to have a chance at reconciliation.

I know from personal experience and close relatives and friends that had breaks for 1-2 years and they got back together.

Keep in mind that these were LTR at least 5 years or more.

[kalikat]

Okay... in my humble opinion...

I really think Sharky is way off on this one. Mainly because (like I said before) I am a hispanic female and I have lived through the "guilt trip" thing with the parents.

You don't want to upset her by not responding to her text - that is understandable. But yes - try to keep it as business like as possible. She sends you a link to a song...respond with a confirmation of when you will see the kids next (or something like that).

And, yes, it is her life. But her parents no doubt have a big influence on her choices right now. Keep them happy. Show them respect. And if you do decide to propose to her - ask them for permission first. Old school... Big time. But you will win them over.

best of luck to you my friend

[frankvega]

Okay... in my humble opinion...

I really think Sharky is way off on this one. Mainly because (like I said before) I am a hispanic female and I have lived through the "guilt trip" thing with the parents.

You don't want to upset her by not responding to her text - that is understandable. But yes - try to keep it as business like as possible. She sends you a link to a song...respond with a confirmation of when you will see the kids next (or something like that).

And, yes, it is her life. But her parents no doubt have a big influence on her choices right now. Keep them happy. Show them respect. And if you do decide to propose to her - ask them for permission first. Old school... Big time. But you will win them over.

best of luck to you my friend

 

Thank you so much for being able to relate to my situation. Yes she is Hispanic her and her parents migrated from cuba like 13 years ago. I was born here.

there way of thinking and culture is completely different than what most people here are used too. Doesn't necessary mean its right or wrong but just different.

 

She met her new boyfriend 2 months ago and he does not speak a word of Spanish. He is 100% American. They have nothing in common other than she says that he is a real sweet guy. I really dont understand. None of us in are common friends understand why she would be interested in someone who she cant even communicate with. She barely speaks English.

 

I know the worst thing I can do is go into panic mode and start with the chasing but in the past it used to work with her when ever we used to get into an argument.

I just dont understand why she would cry out of control for like 30 min and saying how much she hates me for making her meet him and how she wishes it was me instead of him.

What kills me is that in reality if she wanted too she can back when ever she wants because she just met the guy 2 months ago.

 

What do you think will be the consequences if I go NC for like 30 days. I have never done that before. Usually by the 4-5 day either she text me or she calls my family to know about me and what I am up to.