How do you "quit" a wedding party?

[sammi87]

My cousin is marrying a woman I've known for a long time and I've been asked to be in the wedding in Sept 2015. Recently, I had started to see a different side to this friend who had always seemed sweet and low-key.

 

This weekend, I found out what was behind it. A SERIOUS mother-of-the-bridezilla. We had a "planning dinner" at her home with me & my husband in attendance as the only two bridal party members in the state. Motb demanded that all bridesmaids purchase the dress a yr and half in advance AND hinted that we should all order one size small to "motivate" ourselves to be "tip top" for the big day. She has completely glossed over my cousin's anxiety disorder and insisted this become a 200 person affair with a full-on Catholic ceremony (my family is Christian but not Catholic). And even though she expects my Aunt and Uncle to host/pay for the rehersal dinner, SHE has decided only one restaurant will do.

 

It is clear that the bride is simply willing to let mom call the shots. My cousin just wants to stick his head in the sand and wait for the wedding to be over. My husband is bummed because the one thing he was looking forward to helping with (the bachelor party) has been banned. I want out before this gets worse.

 

Since I don't see this as either my cousin or wife to be's fault... What excuse can I give to eliminate myself, minimize hurt feelings and still give them enough time to make other plans?

 

Can anyone think of anything that would also get my husband off the hook??

[Batya33]

So at this point I would stop short of criticizing these choices (which I agree are not good ones) because it's really none of your business and why go down the negativity/judgmental path. I would get out of the wedding ASAP so you don't inconvenience the family -and make it clear that you are telling them this much in advance to avoid inconvenience. I would explain that there is a financial issue and that you of course hope to be able to buy the couple a nice wedding gift. That will get you both off the hook. If pressed for details on the financial issues simply say that it's personal but that you already can see that what is required here is not something you two can afford. If you want, hint at vague plans to start a family which requires saving quite a bit of money.

 

Good luck getting out of this!

[MisUnderstood9]

I think someone needs to stand up to the mother. It is not her wedding. It's your cousin's and soon to be wifes.

 

My best friend's mother-in-law is doing the same thing to her and her fiance. I am very opinionated so it didn't take me long to voice an opinion towards her that its not her wedding and back off because she's causing unneccessary stress to my friend and her son. Usually I keep my mouth shut but when we were all out looking at dresses I just had enough because I could see it in my best friend's face how much it was bugging her and other members of the bridal party and she's never one to say anything. The mother-in-law didn't even realize that what she was saying and doing was affecting everyone in the wedding party especially my friend and her son...

 

Your cousin and spouse need to voice that to this mom too. I dont know if backing out is fair to them because this women is crazy -- someone just needs to stand up to her.

[sammi87]

Batya, I had considered claiming financial problems... But that means my husband and I are stuck with a yr and half feigning financial strain (which we are fortunate enough to NOT have).

 

And hinting at starting a family would be a DISASTER. My husband and I are child-free now and always by choice Much to the disappointment of parents and grandparents. To dangle that over their head's and not mean it...would just be too cruel.

[Kendahke]

The bride knows exactly what kind of a mother she's got. Your cousin knows exactly the kind of woman he's marrying. I'm quite sure a whole lot of this is not lost on him.

 

I would say to just inform your cousin that you and your husband will not be taking part in the wedding first, if that is what will help you two keep your sanity--because preserving your marriage is more important to you than their one day is to you. Never apologize to anyone for putting your marriage first.

 

Then inform the bride that you and your husband will not be taking part in the wedding. You have no reason to explain squat to her mother. OF those 200 people she wants at the wedding, she can find your replacements.

 

As far as your aunt and uncle are concerned, they should tell the woman that she is free to plan any party she wishes at that restaurant she wants and she can pay for it, but they will be planning it at the restaurant of their choice and paying for that.

[Fudgie]

You don't need to take a year of pretending to be poor. Just that times are tight right now and you have other obligations and you can't put the money forth.

 

I would definitely get out of this ASAP.

 

And you are childfree? So am I! Good for you guys!!

[sammi87]

I wish my friend would establish boundaries with her mom... I wish my cousin would speak more openly to his wife-to-be. And I did think about speaking to one or all three of them.

 

But...then I thought- these people are adults. They are about to enter into marriage and become a family. THEY need to figure out how to navigate these issues on their own or die trying.

 

I feel like all I can do, is decide what I will be a party to. And honestly, I just cannot function under the kind of pressure and anxiety this folks are pushing.

[sammi87]

 

And you are childfree? So am I! Good for you guys!!

 

Yay!! So nice to hear something supportive. Usually I get something along the lines of: "No kids?? What do you DO with your day??". As if cleaning up doody was the only option, lol!

[MisUnderstood9]

I wish my friend would establish boundaries with her mom... I wish my cousin would speak more openly to his wife-to-be. And I did think about speaking to one or all three of them.

 

But...then I thought- these people are adults. They are about to enter into marriage and become a family. THEY need to figure out how to navigate these issues on their own or die trying.

 

I feel like all I can do, is decide what I will be a party to. And honestly, I just cannot function under the kind of pressure and anxiety this folks are pushing.

 

It may be a good idea then to just walk away. Tell you cousin and his fiance that you cannot be in the wedding party because of the pressure and anxiety of the whole thing. That you are sorry but you would rather just be a guest at their wedding and not apart of it.

 

No reason to lie to them and make up a reason -- just tell them straight up.

[ParisPaulette]

Well, you could also just remain in the wedding party, but tell the woman that while you respect what her mother-in-law to be is asking you will not be purchasing that dress until close to the wedding date. And when you do it will be in your size.

 

Refuse to go along with the whole thing, stand your ground firmly but nicely and tell them both "No, if you want me in the wedding party I will do this my way." And if the dress is ridiculously expensive and is a monstrosity tell them you will price it out cheaper and purchase it elsewhere OR they will need to split the costs. That is an alternative to just saying, "I do not want to do this" and it shows this girl by example that maybe she should stand up for herself too. Or the MITB-zilla gets mad and uninvites you and it's a win-win either way.

 

Just refuse to go along with the ridiculous demands and do what would be doable for you. It is her day true, but since you know it's not her doing it and there's nothing to gain by letting Mrs. Nightmare call all the shots it's best to just do what you would normally do anyways. Besides I wouldn't order that dress, this is one of those situations where the bride to be is likely to snap sooner or later and if the cousin can't get his mom under control the whole thing will implode and the relationship will end. Would you put up with this sort of thing for a year and a half from your SO's mother? Not many would.

 

Either that or you simply tell the bride you've decided it's too much anxiety and stress and you will have to decline the invitation after all. Trouble with that is the poor girl is likely to beg you knowing that the MILTB is driving everyone away. I think it's better if you just stick up for yourself and if you ask the bride what it is she really wants, maybe a bit of nudging along the lines of "Look, this is your wedding day, do you really want us doing all this nonsense or what it is you'd like? Why aren't you just doing that instead?"

 

Ugh, this is exactly why I think eloping is a way better solution. I hate weddings. Too much drama and waste of money that should be spent on the honeymoon instead.

[Moontiger]

It may be a good idea then to just walk away. Tell you cousin and his fiance that you cannot be in the wedding party because of the pressure and anxiety of the whole thing. That you are sorry but you would rather just be a guest at their wedding and not apart of it.

 

No reason to lie to them and make up a reason -- just tell them straight up.

 

I like this. Its direct, firm, but not at all mean.

 

You could say something like, "I love you both. I just cannot handle the pressure being place on the wedding party. I hope you understand."

[tattoobunnie]

Are you backing out just because of the future MIL? It will take a few months to get the dress, then you need to tailor it - I would just stick it back to the MIL, and say, "hey, I'm gonna stick to my dress size. We can shop for dresses, but let's aim for six months to a year, just so we got good current styles."

 

Don't punish your friend who specifically chosen you to stand next to her as she has one of her biggest moments in life. It's an honor that she asked. I mean, if she had 20 people in her wedding party, then she's just asking everyone - but she's not.

 

Just be honest with the MIL. Your friend will find her voice. I have found in some cases, then they start piping up about things soon enough.

[Batya33]

Yay!! So nice to hear something supportive. Usually I get something along the lines of: "No kids?? What do you DO with your day??". As if cleaning up doody was the only option, lol!

 

It's too bad when people ask stupid questions like that and too bad when people who choose not to have children make those kinds of assumptions (I am not sure if you were entirely joking!) about people who have children. I wish there was far more peaceful coexistence.

 

I agree with the advice about being honest about the level of anxiety/stress involved.

[tattoobunnie]

If someone said, No kids?? What do you DO with your day??", I would translate that as a compliment, meaning, kids are a life-force suck! Heck, mine is! I mean, people work, have goals, passions, and once you have kids, all of that revolves around them instead. And I find that statement to be a "I wanna live vicarious through you, so share what's going on with you."

 

P.S. The cleaning up doody phase doesn't last long.

[Snny]

It may be a good idea then to just walk away. Tell you cousin and his fiance that you cannot be in the wedding party because of the pressure and anxiety of the whole thing. That you are sorry but you would rather just be a guest at their wedding and not apart of it.

 

No reason to lie to them and make up a reason -- just tell them straight up.

After now reading this thread and getting more of a back story... this is the only way to approach this issue. Don't blame fiances or complain: be direct and honest as possible. This would be your only way of not burning a bridge and making your standpoint crystal clear.

[CeeLambrini]

There is no need to lie if you are being asked to spend your well-earned money on something you don't agree with. You are right, everyone is an adult including you - therefore to do something as drastic as drop out on the bride simply because another adult is being a nightmare about it seems like the easier, and a little cowardly way out. The people who are important are your cousin and his wife-to-be and they should be told the truth. Any problem you have with the wedding as it is should be broached as none of your concerns are unreasonable. If they back up the situation and demand you have to spend too much money, crash diet, and wear a dress too small for you then you have every right to back out. However, they haven't yet - it's her monster mother that is ordering everyone about like cattle.

[GinNJuice]

I think if you're honest with them, and tell them exactly why you're backing out, it might be what they need to put their foot down with her. You accepted an invite to be a part of your friend's bridal party, not her mother's, so if all you're going to be doing is following her mother's orders, I don't see why you would continue. Your cousin/friend seem to be going along with her demands, so maybe tell them if they want to plan as a team you'd like to continue, but otherwise you'd rather just attend. I don't think it's cowardly at all, and by the time the wedding actually comes I bet everyone but her mother will have forgotten.

[Snny]

I see mentioning anything about finances being used as an excuse than addressing the issue here. Unless the OP's cousin was throwing a destination wedding, then money would be a concern (taking excessive time off from work, travel arrangements, hotel rooming, etc)... But whining over the cost of a formal dress? Sorry ladies, the truth of the matter is most bridesmaid/prom dresses are usually worn once.

 

This whole issue goes beyond the dress, the hair, the makeup, etc. The problem is how the wedding is being planned by someone who isn't the bride or the groom, and how her expectations do not accommodate for everyone. If the bride and groom don't stand up to this woman... Boy, they are not going to have a long happy marriage because the in-laws will continue to push them around. And I hate to say this... If the bride wants the parents to pay for the wedding/rehearsal dinner, then they get an automatic say of what goes in terms of planning. I am dealing with this issue now with my folks.

 

Word to the wise: I would not bring up anything about the wedding being Catholic ceremony or how many people are expected to attend- you're not planning the wedding, so Tough S. My wedding is a Catholic ceremony, 2 out of 3 of my own bridesmaids and the best man don't follow the faith (Jewish, Wiccan, and Atheist), and they still support having the ceremony/mass because it is my husband's and my day to celebrate with our personal values. Religion and culture is a touchy subject in terms of wedding planning... So avoid discussing that because you can easily offend them.

 

When you give a reason, stick to the issue. Don't try to hide behind other reasons like finances or that it's a Catholic ceremony because the bride will see right through it as being a lie or a petty excuse.

[Batya33]

If someone said, No kids?? What do you DO with your day??", I would translate that as a compliment, meaning, kids are a life-force suck! Heck, mine is! I mean, people work, have goals, passions, and once you have kids, all of that revolves around them instead. And I find that statement to be a "I wanna live vicarious through you, so share what's going on with you."

 

P.S. The cleaning up doody phase doesn't last long.

 

There are times it is a life-force suck, boring, mundane (just like at times my various careers and jobs were, just like everyone). Most of the time it is completely inspiring and that's only one example of the wonder of it all -despite it being exhausting. I don't want to live vicariously through people who work outside the home and I don't want them to live vicariously through me! It is my work right now, and definitely enhances my goals and my passions. I wouldn't take either as a compliment because those types of comments are at most back-handed compliments.

[Fudgie]

I don't want to live vicariously through anybody either. Parents do their own thing, and I do mine. Many of them love being a parent but it's not something I'd ever want for myself, seeing what my mom went through. If someone can't figure out what I "do" with my time because I don't have kids, well, I feel sorry for them because they must not have any hobbies/passions if they can't imagine what to do without kids!

 

Sammi, don't feel bad about declining about being in a wedding. I was asked in the fall to be in a wedding for a friend that I have known for about 8 years. I declined. It just wasn't worth the effort/money for me. I am not a "party" person to begin with and I don't like to buy dresses. I think I told her I was strapped financially (a half lie, I could have made it work, but I didn't have the desire) but she accepted it and has been okay with it and our friendship didn't suffer. It's a TON of pressure and money spent.

 

So yeah, I have made a half-lie before, to spare her feelings. I said it was about the money. Anything else would have offended her, including the truth. It got me off the hook.

[sammi87]

It's too bad when people ask stupid questions like that and too bad when people who choose not to have children make those kinds of assumptions (I am not sure if you were entirely joking!) about people who have children. I wish there was far more peaceful coexistence.

 

Um...where do you get the idea that the existence between parents and non-parents is not peaceful?? As far as I know, I have never been informed that we are waging war on the child laden.

 

As for whether I am serious... Eh, half and half. Ask an ignorant question, I am more inclined to give an ignorant response. And yet, at the same time, I often visit my cousin who has a 3 yr old and an infant. She cleans up pee/poo, well I don't know the exact count, but it is probably in the teens per day. Then she cleans up spit-up...thrown food...toys...snotty noses... Same at my friends house where she has one full-time 5 yr old and one who visits. So yes, I am seriously under the impression that having children in your home drastically ups the number of disgusting things you must clean up.

[sammi87]

it's her monster mother that is ordering everyone about like cattle.

 

I suppose the problem is that they both (cousin and bride to be) sat right there at the table, heard everything we did...and went along with her. According to my cousin, this is about a 30 yr old dynamic between mother and daughter.

 

I don't think my friend is unaware of the situation. She simply chooses to accept it. As I said before, these people are about to become a family. They need to figure out how to interact with each other.

[Seraphim]

I suppose the problem is that they both (cousin and bride to be) sat right there at the table, heard everything we did...and went along with her. According to my cousin, this is about a 30 yr old dynamic between mother and daughter.

 

I don't think my friend is unaware of the situation. She simply chooses to accept it. As I said before, these people are about to become a family. They need to figure out how to interact with each other.

Well ,I don't think you're going to correct a 30 year dynamic between mother and daughter. And you're right it is for THEM to figure that out. I would just stay out of it. If you don't want to go to the wedding say you're sorry you thought you could make the commitment but now you can not.

[sammi87]

I

When you give a reason, stick to the issue. Don't try to hide behind other reasons like finances or that it's a Catholic ceremony because the bride will see right through it as being a lie or a petty excuse.

 

The reason the Catholic ceremony is a problem is two fold... 1. My Episcopal Aunt and Uncle were hoping to have their/their son's faith acknowledged in some way. That has been bowled over by the bride's side. 2. As I mentioned, my cousin suffers from a social anxiety disorder. He has been helped by meds for many yrs now...but public speaking can still cause him panic attacks. A wedding ceremony can be wrapped up in 10 mins. From the sound of it, this one is over an hr as it requires the couple to stand up front during a full mass.

 

I feel that it would be completely fair to use her church, her officiant ect...but shorten the ceremony due to medical reasons for the groom. Anything else is inconsideration masked as devotion.

[sammi87]

Are you backing out just because of the future MIL? It will take a few months to get the dress, then you need to tailor it - I would just stick it back to the MIL, and say, "hey, I'm gonna stick to my dress size. We can shop for dresses, but let's aim for six months to a year, just so we got good current styles

.

 

If the mother of the bride was open to letting other people contribute ideas like pushing back the purchase date of the dress... I would be happy to say something like that. But she practically feigns a heart-attack even when her daughter shows signs of not wanting to go along with a decree..

 

Also, it's not just about the way the mother acted last weekend... It's about the fact we are still 18 mos away from the wedding. They have been engaged for only 2 months. If this is what it's like now...what in god's name is it going to be like a yr from now??