Sometimes I seriously want to smack him...

[indea08]

This is mostly a vent. If you have words of support/encouragement or a similar situation to share, please do.

 

My beautiful princess is 7 months old now. She's pretty much the most amazing little ball of cuteness I've ever seen, and I'm in love with her. I'm a full-time nurse, and I miss her ridiculously while I'm at work. I miss out on 12 hours of adorableness.

 

Her father is an airhead. He lives with his loser father (lots of weed, occasional heroin, regular eviction warnings, etc.). He doesn't have a job, a license, or any plan for his future. He's 26. I have not requested child support, nor do I want it, for several reasons: a) he can't pay it so b) he'll go to jail and c) I'd rather him save any money he makes to have any attempt at getting his own life together. Not to mention d) I don't need the help, I've got this (and then some).

 

Yes, he has MANY flaws, but he's a nice enough person, so I still let him come see baby A whenever he asks (which is like once every 2-3 weeks). After my pushing the issue, baby A finally got to meet her grandma and great grandparents on her dad's side last week (remember, she's 7 months old). How can they not even ask to meet her, or take up my offers to bring her over, for SEVEN MONTHS!?

 

He hasn't bought her a SINGLE THING. Not ONE diaper, wipe, box of formula, toy, blanket...NOTHING. He has never fed her, put her to bed, bathed her, taken her to her doctor's app. He literally would have no idea how to take care of her if I died tomorrow.

 

Anyways, he tells me two weeks ago that he finally landed a full-time factory job as a temp. HOORAY, good for him, maybe he's finally going to grow up a little. He says he starts in a week. Awesome. Two days later, he's been offered the opportunity to tag along with some contractors for a week to do some work at various convenience stores within the area. He pushes back his start date at the full time job. I give him a stern look and explain that he's risking a long-term job for a week long job and that he has to think about baby A's future, not just this week. He listens, agrees, moving on....I find out today that he's blowing off his full-time position for ANOTHER contracted job that'll last two weeks.

 

I'm so done with this. He can't continue coming around once every 2-3 weeks to goof off with her for two hours. He can't keep living his life as if he's not a father, or as if he's a father only when he feels like being one. I cannot get him to understand delayed gratification for the life of me, and frankly, I'm done trying. My sweet baby is gaining NOTHING by having him around, and if I let this continue the way it is, she will be the little girl who is all dressed up and excited because "daddy's" coming to get her and I'll get the phone call saying he can't make it. I don't want her idea of a "daddy" to be a guy that stops by and plays with her twice a month. Not to mention, he's obviously no role model. Can't make a responsible decision if his life depended on it.

 

I could b**ch for hours. Rant over, thanks for listening. You're all welcome to share or comment (nicely).

[jjkk]

Whether you need the money or not, I suggest getting a child support order and having his payments garnished when he is working. It certainly won't hurt you to have extra $$...when you get it. Plus, the pressure he'll receive from the state to work will hopefully get him to wake up and do better at keeping a job. It's one way to make him more responsible and unfortunately the only way in which you can somewhat control. You can't force him to buy diapers or visit more regularly but the state can force him to at least some of the time work and make payments to you.

 

Eventually he make wake up and want to be more of a part of her life, maybe not. There's always hope (without holding your breath).

 

The other option could be just asking him to terminate his parental rights then you will be truly done for good. As far as if you "died tomorrow" you should probably get a legal document drawn up stating your wishes for your baby to go to your parents or one of your family members should something happen to you.

 

I've dealt with an ex for years and the struggles of not contacting the children, not paying, etc. At first I was like I don't care about child support because I was just so happy to be divorced from him. To this day I thank the divorce attorney who was a hard @$$ w/ me and insisted I get child support stipulations in place. Although at least half the time I never got money, when I did it was SO helpful and appreciated. They DO get more expensive. Also, he eventually stepped up to the plate and became more involved with the children. It took years and I never thought it would happen but it did.

 

Best wishes to you!!

[pl3asehelp]

I think it's a mistake not to pursue formal child support. If he goes to jail that's his problem. It would probably be good for him. Unless you're very well off and can afford to pay full ivy league tuition on your own, you're doing your daughter a disservice in not securing money that she is legally entitled to receive. Don't make it a pride thing.

 

Also, nobody does heroin occasionally for long, he'll end up dead, so jail could be saving his life.

[indea08]

I guess I should add that he has a six year old with another woman who he's a few thousand behind in child support with...I guess I just can't justify in my mind requesting money from him that I don't need, to support a child that I want him to have no influence on, knowing that it'll more than likely send him to jail. And the phrase "my daughter's father is in jail" just doesn't sit well with me, whether it's justified or not.

 

And it's not HIM that's on heroin...he's actually clean (not even smoking weed as far as I know). It's the people that come "hang out" that are consistently smoking weed and leaving their needles around.

 

And jjkk, you are absolutely right that I need to set up an arrangement so that baby A will go to my parents if something happened to me.

 

Today, when I found out he was giving up his full-time spot for a two week contract job, I told him to just go away. He STILL doesn't have her in mind when making decisions and has NO CLUE how to be a parent. We don't need biweekly visits, and she has enough love, support, and positive role models provided by my friends/family. If someday he becomes an adult, awesome, we'll start visits then. Until then, GO AWAY. Opinions on that?

[jjkk]

As long as he has no financial obligations to her he WON'T have her in mind when he makes decisions about jobs. He has no reason to, unfortunately some people can't do this on their own, which is why the court system has deadbeat dad (and moms) going to jail for nonpayment. I think for most men once they get the letter that there will be a warrant for their arrest (or however it's done, they have warning for sure) it's enough to scare them into working and paying for at least a little while. Some do it just enough to stay out of jail but it's better than nothing and like my ex, eventually it's too time consuming or stressful or whatever and they choose to just hold down a job and forget the drama of jail threats. Some never do.

 

You're entitled to do whatever you feel is best for your daughter. I'm just saying from someone who has been there/done that (and a fellow nurse, too!) that I am SO grateful my divorce attorney cracked down on me and made me get child support order, although at the time I said I didn't want/need it. Several years later I was SOOO happy I'd done it. That may not be the case for you but something to think about.

 

If you want to do the "go away" until you're an adult, then stick to it!! Don't let him manipulate you into seeing her occasionally even when he's mostly being a deadbeat. Good luck!

[Cheetarah]

Today, when I found out he was giving up his full-time spot for a two week contract job, I told him to just go away. He STILL doesn't have her in mind when making decisions and has NO CLUE how to be a parent. We don't need biweekly visits, and she has enough love, support, and positive role models provided by my friends/family. If someday he becomes an adult, awesome, we'll start visits then. Until then, GO AWAY. Opinions on that?

 

No. If he consistently comes around to spend time with her every couple weeks, let him see his daughter.

 

Regarding CS, that money should/when it comes, can be put away for your daughter's college savings. Even if you only get 2 payments, that's 2 payments more than you had for her fund. Did you know he was a deadbeat before you had your daughter?

[itsallgrand]

It honestly sounds to me like you are still trying to protect him. Which to my mind, is somewhat enabling him.

 

Vent away...carry on. An observation.

[indea08]

Did you know he was a deadbeat before you had your daughter?

 

Eh, I knew he had problems. His mother wasn't much of a mother...left him and moved accross the country. That made him angry, which made him act out, which led to being forced in and out of foster/children homes. He wasn't taught a lot of things that I took for granted as "common knowledge". He has a big heart, but he just can't understand that life takes work and discipline. While we were together, I was his discipline, and he got a lot of things going (college, job, license, car, CS paid, regular visits with his six year old). I got pregnant and my focus shifted to baby A (plus I was tired of being Mom to a 26 year old). He lost his job, license, sold his SUV for a motorcycle, quit paying CS, and now sees his son every few weeks.

 

I told him long before baby A was born that I expected more of an effort than just visits every few weeks and have reminded him several times since. I'm done reminding him to come see her. It's pathetic and she's gaining nothing from it. Hopefully now she'll be losing all the disappointment she'd have felt one day.

[indea08]

It honestly sounds to me like you are still trying to protect him. Which to my mind, is somewhat enabling him.

 

Vent away...carry on. An observation.

 

Touché. Decent observation.

[indea08]

I'm just saying from someone who has been there/done that (and a fellow nurse, too!) that I am SO grateful my divorce attorney cracked down on me and made me get child support order, although at the time I said I didn't want/need it. Several years later I was SOOO happy I'd done it. That may not be the case for you but something to think about.

 

This DEFINITELY will be considered! Thank you!

[Cheetarah]

Indea, I deal with a deadbeat, absent father of my son. So I'm saying all this not from some idealistic viewpoint, but just relating to this whole experience.

 

What I stressed with my ex, was consistency. It doesn't need to mean super frequent, but it needs to be a constant reliable. I told him that parenting is a job where you are "all in" or "all out". I said the bit about consistency, and I said it is better for you to be all out, than to disappoint your child for the rest of his life with inconsistency. He's all out, but he really was all out pretty much from the beginning.

 

I say, sit back and see what happens. Don't remind him, you aren't his mom. Give him a couple months to see what kind of pattern he will establish all on his own without you there in the background moming him. If he makes those efforts and calls and requests for pictures or whatever he does, reliably - Why not?

 

Eh, I knew he had problems. His mother wasn't much of a mother...left him and moved accross the country. That made him angry, which made him act out, which led to being forced in and out of foster/children homes. He wasn't taught a lot of things that I took for granted as "common knowledge". He has a big heart, but he just can't understand that life takes work and discipline.

 

It sucks for his childhood, but it's no reason or excuse for his adult decisions. He knows how life works. You were a surrogate mother to him, that's what he wants. Someone to take the reigns, take care of him. He doesn't want to do the stuff on his own.

[indea08]

What I stressed with my ex, was consistency. It doesn't need to mean super frequent, but it needs to be a constant reliable. I told him that parenting is a job where you are "all in" or "all out". I said the bit about consistency, and I said it is better for you to be all out, than to disappoint your child for the rest of his life with inconsistency. He's all out, but he really was all out pretty much from the beginning.

 

Literally sounds exactly like what I told him. The only difference was I added that twice a month wasn't good enough. I really don't consider than any different than being "all out".

 

I say, sit back and see what happens. Don't remind him, you aren't his mom. Give him a couple months to see what kind of pattern he will establish all on his own without you there in the background moming him. If he makes those efforts and calls and requests for pictures or whatever he does, reliably - Why not?

 

This is a wonderful idea. I must admit though, I have about 95% confidence that he'll ask for a picture occasionally, and won't mentioning visiting (let along providing for) her at all. Worth giving it a shot though.

[indea08]

And another fun twist (incase anyone's still reading lol). He insists that he's still in love with me. And it's evident during his visits that his focus is more on trying to "flirt" with me, or spend time with me as opposed to playing and taking care of her.

 

When I don't return his flirts and inappropriate comments, he gets offended and dramatic, even though I have explained to him that I'm not being rude, I'm simply not going to lead him on and let him believe there's any chance of us getting back together. It's a highly annoying situation. That little bundle is lucky I love her so much! (that was a joke)

[Cheetarah]

I know it is a huge headache and stressor. I really empathize with your frustrations. You get so pissed and riled up because your child deserves so much more than they give or do and there's nothing you can do to give them that which they deserve from their other parent. I still go on rants and raves about it more than I'd care to devote that kind of emotional energy.

 

And another fun twist (incase anyone's still reading lol). He insists that he's still in love with me. And it's evident during his visits that his focus is more on trying to "flirt" with me, or spend time with me as opposed to playing and taking care of her.

 

More like he wants you to clean up his life again. That's really rather abhorrent, that he's there for you in some way and not focusing on the little time he has with his girl(I understand this, too). What a weiner. Hugs!

[Lorem Ipsum]

Frankly, you can't control him. You can't expect to crack the whip and have him fall into line, whether you or the courts do it. He may grow up one day, he may *never* become the person you expect he should be. And if you knew that he already had a child that he paid little attention to and even less financial support, why on earth did you decide to have a child with him? That's not judgement, I'm just curious if you thought you were the exception, instead of the rule. If there's one thing my father taught me, it's that if a man doesn't pay attention to the kids he has, he won't suddenly decide that the kids you have with him are the best. thing. ever. and change for them. After all, the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. I do agree about setting proper child support and a visitation schedule through a court, if only so you have the paperwork in place so that if in the future he does decide he wants more (or he hits the lottery) you have it in writing what his responsibilities should be. I like the idea of using whatever he does pay you to start a college fund, you should consult a financial adviser on that as depending on where you are, you may be able to use it as a tax deduction for yourself.

My sweet baby is gaining NOTHING by having him around, and if I let this continue the way it is, she will be the little girl who is all dressed up and excited because "daddy's" coming to get her and I'll get the phone call saying he can't make it.

As I said above, there is absolutely nothing you can do about "letting" this continue. He'll do what he'll do and there's nothing you can do about it. She should know her father, but as someone whose daddy would call to cancel plans at the last minute (or forget that there were plans) -- don't tell her he's supposed to come by. If he says that he wants to come by on Saturday at 3pm and you are OK with that, don't tell her. If she doesn't expect a visit, she won't be disappointed if it doesn't happen. Make plans to do your housework at that time or something around the house then if he doesn't show, he doesn't and his loss. If it ever gets to a point where you are comfortable with him taking her out by himself for an afternoon, same thing. Make your plans, and let him know that in no uncertain terms if he's not there at the time he said he would be, you won't be waiting around. Make a backup that you can leave your daughter with your parents or whoever and if he's not there, go on with your life. You can't make him be consistent, but you can be consistent with him.

 

You're going to have to learn to let go of your expectations regarding him. If you keep getting aggravated with him because he's not living up to the standards you think he should, eventually he's going to stop showing up entirely simply because he doesn't want the aggro, it'll make him feel like a bad person. Sure, he isn't the most responsible person in the world but you being upset isn't going to make him behave better so you aren't upset -- he's shown you that already time and time again. The person who is going to lose out if he stops coming is your daughter. It sucks that you have to be both of her parents, but that's what it is.

[itsallgrand]

Are you still in love with him? You still love him?

 

Good observation by Cheet that you were serving as a surrogate mama for him. Now you are someone else's mama. And he fell to pieces, and still trying to get his mama back.

 

Really, forgive me for generalizing...but when I read nurse + the daddy has this kind of track record (broken boy who needs nurturing) ....I thought....uh oh....I hope she isn't getting sucked into his neediness and feeling all protective of him still.

 

The thing about not going legit through legal channels is he can do whatever he wants that way. He can come, and go, and you have little recourse. Let's say, just for instance, that at some point he really gets it that you aren't going to get back with him, and this gets him acting a little crazy (it's possible). Better to have laid the legal ground work now than trying to do it in a crisis situation, ya? It's not necessarily ever going to get to a crisis situation, but the chance that it could, and that you and your daughter would have to go through that, would be enough for me to take it to court.

[indea08]

Okay, bare with me, I'm responding from an iPhone.

 

Lorem Ipsum: you say if I continue with my expectations of him, he'll quit comin around because it'll make him feel bad...IMO that's pretty weak. 1.) because he has to be told to see her 2.) because he has to be told that he has to work and 3.) because he'll give up time with his daughter because he's tired of hearing that he needs to grow up. If he quits coming around because I hurt his feelings, my problem is solved and I no longer have to worry about dealing vs not dealing with him again.

 

And I DID NOT intend on having a baby with him. He was intended to be a FWB, which we both agreed upon. He fell in love, I got comfortable, and wa-la, now I have a beautiful princess. Sh*t happens.

 

Itsallgrand: you hit the nail on the head. I WAS lured in to taking care of and protecting him for a long time. Now, I'd say I'm partly protecting him, partly protecting baby A. He can't instill morals, or teach/model behaviors, or be consistent with punishment/rewards. Hell, he can't even get through a conversation without saying something inappropriate. So I have to admit, if he stops showing up, I think baby A will be better off. My family agrees. I would like for it to be HIS decision not to see her, but he really pissed me off when he (again) made the irresponsible decision to pick a two week job and give up a permanent one. I swear, he'll never learn.

 

Sorry if I misspelled or left out letters. iPhones apparently don't know everything.

[indea08]

Oh and do I still love him? No. Am I still in love with him? Hell no.

 

I'm a nurse pursuing my degree to be a doctor, taking care of a baby, in the process of buying my first home.

 

He's a lump on his dad's couch with no plans or ambitions.

 

Enough said.

[ParisPaulette]

Well, although this may sound harsh here is my two cents on the matter: as long as you treat him like a child instead of a grown man he will continue to act like a child. You can talk to him until you're blue in the face about responsibility and doing the right thing and it won't work. Showing him you mean business by taking him to court to pay child support and/or terminating his parental rights would be a huge step towards treating him like an adult, one responsible for his own decisions and commitments. Otherwise yes, you're enabling him to keep being a deadbeat dad and man child. Even if you never collect a cent it puts a record to his name and pressure on him to grow up and maybe start taking control of his own actions. And if he gets thrown in jail what are you losing and why do you care? It's not like he isn't already under threat of that with the other child he doesn't support.

 

Sorry, but I think you're babying him the same way other people have and it's not doing him or you or your baby any favors. I'm a single mom who raised three boys and yes, both fathers are responsible for child support. I've had to go to court, but I did it more to show my sons that their mom was willing to fight for their rights than because I needed the money. Besides that money paid for their college educations, so it's not at all bad to have even if you don't need it in the day-to-day living expenses.

[indea08]

I've already approached him about signing over his rights, and he agreed to do it. I met with a lawyer, but she explained to me that in Ohio, there really isn't a way to go about doing so. The only way his rights can be terminated is if I were to have someone adopt baby A (like if I were to marry). My only other option would be to do like a double adoption, like let my parents adopt her, then adopt her back. Each adoption is expensive and just seems unnecessary seeing as how he has no parental rights at this point, and no means to pursue rights.

 

You all have made some good points about child support though. That is worth spending a few days to consider. Maybe I am babying him, I don't know. The kid's already got two felonies on his record. I would hate to put him in such a deep hole that he'll never get out.

[Lorem Ipsum]

Lorem Ipsum: you say if I continue with my expectations of him, he'll quit comin around because it'll make him feel bad...IMO that's pretty weak. 1.) because he has to be told to see her 2.) because he has to be told that he has to work and 3.) because he'll give up time with his daughter because he's tired of hearing that he needs to grow up. If he quits coming around because I hurt his feelings, my problem is solved and I no longer have to worry about dealing vs not dealing with him again.

Yeah, that's my point. He is weak. If he wasn't, he wouldn't need to be told to see his children, told he needs to have a job. He didn't have a good mother. He didn't have consistent parenting. You became his parent and now he's out there flailing around because he no longer has that "parent" in his life and he's unable to be his own parent at this point. He may never get to that point where the light goes off in his head and he gets it. You getting angry with him all the time isn't going to speed up that process, it's only going to make you bitter and more resentful and probably him more rebellious. He's stuck in adolescence, you're an adult. Unfortunately, being an adult means sometimes you have to make decisions that you don't like that are in the best interests of others -- and that other right now is your daughter.

 

Look, I totally get that you're tired of his sh*t. Anyone sane would be. You're no longer together, so you don't have to deal with it on a daily or personal level. But, if you deliberately withhold your child or make it difficult for him to see her, she is going to grow up with unrealistic ideas about who her father is, that it's *your* fault he doesn't come around. When she gets older, she'll see him for who he really is. Right now, she's too young to really understand all this but that's not going to last forever. Even if you ask your ex to terminate his parental rights and he does sign that paper, your daughter is always going to wonder about him, who he is, why didn't he want her, why he never sees her. It would not surprise me at all if your ex has the same feelings about his parents. If part of the reason why he doesn't come around, why he doesn't want to grow up are because of how adults let him down, that he doesn't know how to be a parent/father and it's just one more thing he fails at.

 

If he's using visits with his daughter in an attempt to get back with you, there's no reason these visits have to be in your home. You can go to the park, take her to McD's, go to the library -- anywhere public, where it would be harder for him to try and put the smoov moves on you. Yes, it would be so much easier for you right now if he just disappeared off the face of the earth and you never had to see him again. But you chose to bring this child into the world and even though her father isn't the man you want him to be (for you, for her, for himself), he is her father and she deserves to know him, even if it is scatter-shot. Please consider how you would feel if you were her.

[Cheetarah]

I hate to be the B, but really - If you're anything like me, Indea, this kind of stuff starts tugging at your heart and make you feel all pity and maternal towards him, which really is the last thing you need to feel, given the dynamic that existed between you two. It keeps you both stuck in unhealthy roles that just enable him and enable you. It doesn't matter what his childhood issues are - They aren't for you to decipher, or cater to, or tiptoe around.

[avman]

I've already approached him about signing over his rights, and he agreed to do it. I met with a lawyer, but she explained to me that in Ohio, there really isn't a way to go about doing so. The only way his rights can be terminated is if I were to have someone adopt baby A (like if I were to marry). My only other option would be to do like a double adoption, like let my parents adopt her, then adopt her back. Each adoption is expensive and just seems unnecessary seeing as how he has no parental rights at this point, and no means to pursue rights

 

Yeah this is true. Most states will not permit a parent to give up their rights like that because then every deadbeat parent would do it. They don't want to encourage abandonment of children and unless there's another person ready to adopt right then it usually won't be allowed. Doing a double adoption is also risky because theres a chance it gets found out or challenged as fraudulent. That could trigger a child protection action and you really don't want to be in the middle of that one.

 

The kid's already got two felonies on his record. I would hate to put him in such a deep hole that he'll never get ou

 

See here's the thing. You aren't the one putting him in a deep hole. He's the one who has put himself in the hole. You didn't give him felonies. You didn't prevent him from getting a job, getting up off the couch, or seeing his child. He's done all that himself. You are NOT responsible for his life choices. Let him own those. All you need to do is focus on your daughter and what she needs. Get the child support order. If he pays it then great, stick it in a savings account if you don't need it right now. Because who knows someday she may need braces, or expensive therapy, or want to buy a car or go to college. If you've got this money tucked away just in case then you are in great shape.

[oitnb]

Ohio loves to produce deadbeat dads huh? (I live in ohio too lol)

 

I hate to sound like a broken record, but I really do suggest getting child support like the other posters have said. It would be a HUGE incentive for him to grow up. Two backed up child support payments should be enough for the state to notice him and kick his sorry behind into high-gear.

[Catherine_3]

You aren't the one putting him in a deep hole. He's the one who has put himself in the hole.

 

Took the words out of my mouth.

 

At this point, I would focus entirely on protecting your daughter and forget about protecting him. Child support is for her, not for you. So if you file for child support, it's not as if YOU are asking for it. You're doing your part to ensure that your daughter gets what is rightfully hers.

 

Also, I would establish really clear boundaries in terms of visits. Again, this is to protect your daughter. He needs to commit to regular, consistent visits or nothing at all.