lionheart153 Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 It's been 2 weeks of solid NC. The break up happened about a month and a half ago, I had minimal contact since then and any type of conversation has been about strictly formal things such as getting my stuff or getting m mail etc. I'm feeling weak, I still don't have closure from the relationship and it hurts so bad. I asked my therapist what to do even and she said only if I can handle it. It sucks, I thought I was healing but I feel like I'm not progressing anymore. Again my therapist said that this is normal but she sees that I am doing much better than when she first saw me. But she said that there aren't any rules to break ups and when I told her about the NC rule she told me that its great I am doing things to protect myself, but it shouldn't be religiously followed. I told her how everything doesn't make sense and it all doesn't add up. I've told her my story trying to keep it as unbiased as possible. She even told me that she didn't feel that I was trying make my ex look bad either. Anyways she mentioned that maybe if I felt that I needed to, that maybe I should email or text her if its ok to ask a few questions. the worse case that could happen would be her to say no, or not give me the answers i want to hear or the answers that I want. I still feel like I should to try to address what happened, but she told me to make sure not to go into that conversation with hope that we would get back together. Still, I am torn on what to do, I feel like the lack of closure hurts so much, and she did at one time offer to talk but I was still to hurt and I denied her the chance to talk to me. Perhaps that could be the closure I need to move on, or even how we can try to work things out. My therapist thinks that everything happened abruptly and that she may not have been honest with me in our relationship, and instead of talking to me when she may have been scared or freaked out about the relationship she panicked and ran. However at the same time, I've progressed a certain way and trying to talk to her could be a set back. Plus, I have done everything I could to try to save this relationship and at this point my therapist also thinks that I have done enough. That its up to her to reach out now. And whether I contact her first or she contacts me first it won't change the out come or have a what if effect. That is to say if we were meant to work it out or if she wanted to work it out she would reach out to me. I've now been sitting her for 3 hours thinking about this staring at my phone... wondering if I should reach out. God I feel so useless, can anyone offer suggestions? or maybe give opinion so maybe I can eat at this a bit more? Something to chew on? My therapist made great points but I don't know what to do.... Link to comment
Twidom Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 I don't think calling her is a good idea... What if you break down again? It most likely will happen. If she wants to work things out she knows how to reach you. Stop harboring this "hope" that she will eventually contact you. It brings nothing but pain. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 How would you feel if she: yelled at you or refused to talk or just never picked up your calls? Link to comment
No1 Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 What exactly do you want to accomplish with a phone call? Is it for answers or is it an excuse to convince her to come back? Do you want to put your mind at ease or do you want for her to swoon over you? Do you want to move on or do you want to continue to hurt? You must choose one path before you talk to her and stick to it. Do you want to call to get her back? If you do, youll only end up crying, being even more hurt and then odds are youll be back here saying how you made a huge mistake in calling her. If you want to get questions out of the way and put your mind at ease and balance yourself then go ahead and stick to that path and dont cross over to getting back together. If you are still on the cusp or dont know, then dont call until you have a clear agenda. It sounds to me that you are in still in a state of denial that its over. You mentioned several times that you want to get back together or finding a way to salvage the relationship. The relationship is over and its like trying to raise the Titanic in order to save it..It sunk. You cannot save what isnt there. What your therapist says is true, there is no book on break ups, there are no cliff notes or guide book, only expirience can help you and since it seems like this is your first, you dont have much of a reference and thus the first break up is always the hardest. For you to feel better you have to admit that it is over. Dont say you can salvage it or mend it, dont say "Us, We, Together". I am not being mean, all you are doing is that admitting that today, this very hour the relationship is over and you have to admit that first. Not just say it, but admit it. The past is the past and cannot be changed. She has her view on what you did or what was done and that is not going to change. If you try to convince her that what was said actually meant that or what you did was really for this, its only going to dig your hole just a tad bit deeper and you are only going to enforce what she believes currently believes. I know you want to explain and tell another side of your story, but stop...its not going to change the fact that you are broken up. She has to come to you, she knows you love her, she also knows you would give up anything to have her back. You cant make something come back to you she has to want to come back. Link to comment
Damaged70 Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 Dont do it, its not worth it. Closure is that its over. Seriously don't. Link to comment
sharky988 Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 Seriously, I get really annoyed at therapists sometimes. It's like they don't get recovering from a breakup at all. IF you go ahead and contact her -- after a mere 2 weeks of No Contact -- what do you think is going to happen? All you're going to do is push her farther away and make yourself look clingy and weak. More importantly, you're going to set yourself back in your healing. What you need now is time and space without contact to heal. Of course you WANT to contact her. You're like a smoker in withdrawal -- right now your addict brain is frantically looking for ways to justify contact. But you need to be strong. IF she changes her mind, she'll let you know. But you need to put the focus on YOU right now. Stop looking for excuses to call her. "Closure" is a myth -- it comes from within and has nothing to do with anything your ex says or does. Have you seen this recovery guide? It will help you: link removed Link to comment
lionheart153 Posted February 25, 2014 Author Share Posted February 25, 2014 I haven't and perhaps I should look into that. I guess that is a different way of looking at it. It is just hard to accept that someone you knew just does this to you. While its been only officially 2 weeks NC we have not talked about anything that would be considered converstation for 4 weeks now. When I did break NC it was only for necessity as she needed to get her phone and internet switched to her name. She has not reached out since 4 weeks ago when she msged me saying she knows its been hard for me and that she would offer some clarification as best as she could, as she felt it was owed to me. I ignored this text and didn't give her a chance to talk to me even. I guess I have been wondering what is going in her head as of late. It's been tough doing this NC and now I just feel like I am not progressing at all. I get what you are trying to say, that if I was to reach out it shouldn't be in hope to get back together nut instead to clarify things. This is my first break up as she was my first serious gf, we were engaged for that matter but I guess it doesn't really matter. I just find it hard to deal with this, and nothing makes sense. Everything doesn't add up and feels like there is a missing piece to put this all into perspective or that maybe could possible fix this. I don't know I am just a bit frustrated, I don't understand why things keep reminding me of her and I am still thinking about what happened as I still don't really know how this all came to be Link to comment
sharky988 Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 This is your first serious breakup. It's hard to imagine that someone you've been so close to can just end a relationship and be done -- but this is a part of life. Yes, sadly it happens. And since more relationships end than last forever, it happens more often than not. Check out that guide -- it's written by a fellow member here and many people have found it to be helpful. Link to comment
Amy Brock Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 It will only set the pain reset button. Guard your heart. You need to look out for number one. Link to comment
No1 Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 the first one is the hardest, that's why they call it a crush. You will see that when you are dealing with other people that you will not always get answers to all of your questions. So right now is a perfect time for you to learn how to let go. This will help you later on down the road because I can tell you that this is not going to be your only heartbreak. I know you have tons of questions as to why..why why why why why. You know what. It doesn't matter why anymore. It doesn't matter if you were engaged or received a certificate saying you two were the perfect couple of the world. None of that matters. I still think you are in denial. You haven't accepted that it is over. I am guessing she broke up with you. So I will hope to answer some of your questions. She broke up with you. There could of been a thousand reasons as to why but the relationship has run its course. Does it mean its over forever? No. It means its over for now. Im not saying you will get back. What Im saying is that you must accept that you are no longer with her. She will date other guys in due time and as hard as it is to accept, another guy will make her smile and laugh. This does not mean you were replaced, doesn't mean one guy is better than the other it does not mean she forgotten about you or doesn't think about you it means she is not romantic with you. Accept that. I know that its not easy and I realize its easier said than done so don't think Im being heartless. But at times coddling needs to end and truth has to be told. Im sorry you are going thru this I really am. First heartbreak sucks, but you know what... you will get thru this. The sun will rise and set even without her being your GF. So take the time for you. Relax, keep busy, lean on friends and family, go out and play a sport or find a new one. Expand your horizons and that's how you will get by. She will be fine and who knows maybe one day she will seek you out. But that is not going to be today. Make yourself happy Link to comment
kathy679 Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 The denial phase will only last for so long until you accept that it is over. In this time don't contact her. Everyday you will build ur self esteem so much more by not contacting her and focusing on you instead Link to comment
lionheart153 Posted February 26, 2014 Author Share Posted February 26, 2014 God I feel so useless these past few days. I feel like I am just forcing myself through motions and nothing seems real. Sometimes I'll just have to take a few seconds to think and realize that what happened has happened and there is nothing I can do. I have told myself to accept that this is over and God knows I am trying but my brain and heart don't agree with each other. Sometimes I will be able to put thoughts of her away then something will happen and I can actually feel my heart tighten up and then I feel like I trash again. I've done the best I can do to keep myself busy, with work, second job, friends family, working out 5 days a week. It all seems useless and NC no longer seems to be working at all. I honestly feel like a shell of the person I once was. I am trying to keep my chin up and realize that I can't let her affect me this way. But what do you do when you feel like everything you have tried has failed? It's like I keep climbing to get out of this hole but then I slip and I feel like I start from the bottom all over again. This was my first serious relationship, I'm 25, I have dated before but never one that lasted this long or was engaged to, and above all she was my best friend for 3 years before we dated. It feels bad enough that I lost this person but I lost my best friend to, that person I used to hang out with and chat and talk is gone. It's like she never existed. I guess my heart just can't let that go. I'm sorry im sure at this point I just sound like a fool, that I shouldn't let someone do this to me. It just so painful these last few days. Link to comment
sharky988 Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 I'm sorry you're going through such a hard. But if you think you're in a bad way now.... go ahead and contact her and see how much worse THAT makes you feel. Honestly, the only thing that's worse than No Contact is being in contact. Just keep right on doing what you're doing -- staying busy, working out, second job, time with friends. You're taking all the right steps and in time it WILL pay off. You just need to give yourself more time. Two weeks is nothing! I know you don't want to hear it, but every person you become seriously involved with becomes your best friend. That's just how it is when you're in love. In time you'll move on and heal and eventually you'll be ready to find a new best friend -- hopefully one who loves you too much to ever leave you. Link to comment
Twidom Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 Contacting her won't change her mind... It won't bring her back. I know it's hard not to, I almost contacted my ex a few times when we broke up, but it's the right thing to do. Sharky hit the spot. If you think you're feeling bad now, go on and make the call... I PROMISE you things will get worse. You're on the right track to heal so don't stop now or all your hard work will be for nothing. Link to comment
Fame1977 Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 Look. It's all about what you can handle. And that's the truth. As long as you can handle WHATEVER happens next, do what you feel is right. Link to comment
No1 Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 What you are going thru is quite normal so don't feel like you are failing, you are not going to get over a heartbreak in one day. Its a time consuming process that takes a lot of work. Have you also thought of the other side of this. That perhaps God did this to make room for someone better? Someone that will make you happier? God knew that in the long run, this girl would of hurt you 10 times worse and removed her from your heart to protect you. Now he is saying go out and improve and be happy and in time I will provide you with someone that will make you even happier. Loss sucks, but it is also a chance for you to meet new people. You will get thru this, just stay busy , keep doing what you are doing and I promise you that things will get better. You are doing good... keep it up Link to comment
lionheart153 Posted February 26, 2014 Author Share Posted February 26, 2014 I want to thank everyone for giving me advice on this, to clarify we were friends for 3 years before we even started dating. It's probably why this feels so hard. How do people get through this? When do you know that you are better? I wish I had a way to track my progress but I can't seem to see any. What did everyone do to forget this person? I plan to move this summer to another city. Does it seem like I am running from my problems? Does that seem like a weak thing to do? Link to comment
Twidom Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 I want to thank everyone for giving me advice on this, to clarify we were friends for 3 years before we even started dating. It's probably why this feels so hard. How do people get through this? When do you know that you are better? I wish I had a way to track my progress but I can't seem to see any. What did everyone do to forget this person? I plan to move this summer to another city. Does it seem like I am running from my problems? Does that seem like a weak thing to do? You just give it time. You "wait" and eventually someday she will not be on your head for a few hours. Then a few weeks later, she's gone for a whole day. When you least expect, a week... And so on. Link to comment
Live-N-Learn Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 Honestly, the only thing that's worse than No Contact is being in contact. I hope you heed this advice. Most of us have to learn this from experience. Link to comment
lionheart153 Posted February 26, 2014 Author Share Posted February 26, 2014 I hope you heed this advice. Most of us have to learn this from experience. I am keeping NC even though it has been like dragging a knife through me. I am surpised as much as anyone that I have done it. While its only been two weeks its actually been about 4 weeks of NC. The only time I broke it was to settle things like our cellphone and internet to her name. So it was not about us or anything just strictly about our utilities. She was also the one to initiate anything, I made sure to not start anything since about 3 weeks ago when I told her I had grabbed the remaining things in the house and dropped the key off. I made sure to not ever try to start a conversation and kept things short and to the point. She had offered to explain everything but I ignored that too. However this is only NC with her, I had perviously looked at Social media and stuff and it wasn't until about 2 weeks ago that I disconnect from all of that. Link to comment
Twidom Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 You should be real proud of yourself. At least you understand it doesn't really matter the "Why"s. It's over and that's the real thing. Link to comment
lionheart153 Posted February 26, 2014 Author Share Posted February 26, 2014 Well the reason and the rational that I used to ignore her when she offered to explain was that I was already hurt and trying to recover, and learning why she dumped me and left me like this most likely wouldn't help me at all at that point and would only make me feel worse. So I shrugged it off, but then the last couple weeks and more so these past few days I feel like I want to know. I'd be lieing if I said that it wasn't in hopes for us to talk and maybe work things out. But I am doing everything I can to resist asking her. Hence why I am here. Link to comment
Twidom Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 Explaining things to you will not be a change-of-heart. If she wanted to get back together she would have stated so. Link to comment
No1 Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 If you two were good friends before dating, then give it time before the friendship comes back. I dont think that its going to snap back like a rubber band. In time after the need of wanting to be with her romantically goes away, then you can reach out to her and see if she wants to be friends. You just cant be friends right now, not while you are still hurting. yes, the hurt does go away you will recover life moves on with or without you life moves on with or without her Quit over thinking. You are trying to build a 100 story building form the 35th floor and that cant be done. Dont try to think what she is thinking, doing, her next move, the past what was said, what maybe said in the future, what she will maybe possibly do. One day you will talk to her again, you will get your answers and you will balance yourself. But now is not the right time. Slow down your thinking work on you and the rest will happen as it should Link to comment
lionheart153 Posted February 28, 2014 Author Share Posted February 28, 2014 I think it will be impossible to be friends with her if we cannot be in a relationship, I have no interest hearing about how shes with other guys and what not. It would be to painful. I think moving will be the change that I need to give me that push. Part of me hopes that some answers will be answered before I leave but I have serious doubt that will happen. Link to comment
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