Amy Brock

So here I am. In a relationship forum posting what I would say to you. Not that I could handle hearing your voice... You hurt me and I know why. I get it. You have a real problem that I couldn't help. Not that you could've even told me that. Not that it didn't amuse you to see me constantly trying to do anything right on your eyes. I loved you so much. More than you deserved. You never loved me back, but again... You couldn't. You took things I can't get back. Time, love and tears. You have no empathy to feel even a fraction of the pain you caused me. You're empty. I'm damaged. Do you know what you did? You've let it happen in your past, so I'm just another bump in the road. It blows my mind that I hurt for you and you don't give a damn. The only feelings you ever were concerned with were your own. So I guess it was time to move onto the next girl until she removes your mask, too. Don't you see? You'll keep doing this until you get help. Remember? That help you said you were going to get? The reason you needed to be alone. Alone... That's not even possible for you. You have to have someone to adore you and gush over you. You have to have someone to live through since you have very few dreams of your own. Which, the few dreams you did have, I wanted to help come true for you. My dreams? You never really asked. You assumed. My feelings? Never a priority. My needs? Never a concern for them in the least. You robbed me of my SELF. I let you do that. I wish you could've kept your promises to me. The fantasy... The smoke and mirrors... The lies. The lies. The lies. You have no comprehension of what any of this means. You can't. I just have to remember that. You can't.

You... I've tried so hard to understand why you treated me so coldly. Why you kept me in tears and afraid. Why you let me believe that I was the one who brought out your anger. Why you used back handed compliments. Why you let me fall to pieces and never once offered me a hand when you knocked me down with your words. I know now why all of the above. You are an abuser. You leave your bruises on the inside. You know you have a problem. You never loved me or appreciated me. You led me to the "promised land" only to break down the walls to hell instead. I will not waste one more moment of my life pondering your actions anymore. What you've done is inexcusable. I know I reacted emotionally at the end, but with your trickle of love you gave me, it drove me mad. If I was crazy, you made me that way. Backed me into corners and made me feel like the act of wanting to discuss our life together was such a terrible thing. It's because that was a dream that I was living. How could I lose someone I never even had? I showed up for our relationship. You always found a way to be conveniently absent and uninvolved or uninterested. Most people can split amicably and just deal with the pain and move on, but you... You walked away unscathed and with much more of me than I ever should've given you. Now I have to learn how to be me again. How to trust again and how to love someone else again. You stole my identity by making me question everything I did. It was never good enough for you. You always found something wrong. Always. You never celebrated me or us. Again, because you were absent. Get help. Thanks for passing the scar of PTSD onto me now. Now I have to deal with flashbacks and paranoia. Because of what you have bestowed upon me now, I have learned more about you. I felt sorry for you and would've stood by your side when you were being healed and going through therapy. Now I have your social disorder and not because of the horrors of war, but the horrors of YOU. I'm sorry I have nothing more nice to say, but you created this demon inside of me that I need to exorcise. I will heal from this in time and will still be a good person as I always was to you. Because even though I now bear your cross, I have the presence of mind to know what it is. You, on the other hand will always abuse and use your personal issues as your excuse. There isn't a reason to treat someone who trusts and loves you the way you treated me. Problems or not. There is right and wrong. Real men don't demean their women. Real men don't give up the way you did so very easily. Stay out of my life. You've done quite enough.

I'm not sure how to address you anymore and I can't imagine why I should be occupying space in my mind that you don't deserve. However, my heart has always been able to trump that. My mind knows it could've never worked out. My heart isn't so convinced. It's been 6 weeks now. Your dedication to yourself is admirable. I wish I could be as focused on myself as you are on yourself. So tell me... Did she make you smile today? Is she pretty? Is she funny? Are you giving her the same tired lines you gave me? You are so easy to fall for. Did she tell you that you deserved better than me? Please tell her that I appreciated her lovely comment on our picture together a few months ago. "Adorable couple". That was an especially nice touch. I'm so glad you have someone to talk to now, like me early on, who has no idea what she's in for. Did you tell her about your "problem"? You might want to let her know this. It's the least you can do. Don't put her at the same disadvantage as me. What I really want to say now is that the thoughts of you no longer bring me joy. They make me sick. I can't look at your pictures. The crazy thing is that I love you, but I don't like you anymore. I don't pine for you. You disappointed me in ways you can't even imagine. You're a tool. You're a master manipulator. You'll never be happy unless you can find someone who will enjoy your indifference to them and your colorful ways of expressing your anger. I honestly can't give you a free pass because of your psychological problems. There is right and there is wrong. If my dad were alive, he would've kicked your ass for the way you disrespect the women in your life. Including the way you treat your mother. I should've known then. You always told me you were a piece of sh*t and I always thought you just wanted to hear me say "Oh baby no you're not". I'm thoroughly convinced that you meant that in every possible way. Screw you and your lies. I don't care about you anymore. How can I love you and not care about you? The same way I can love a movie, but don't need to watch it everyday. You've been demoted. You don't even have a name anymore. You're just an ex. "That guy".

My Dearest, I'm not sure why I feel compelled to say anything to you. After all, you never listened to me before. Your blatant disregard for my feelings, even when you claimed to be in love with me has left me still wondering if those three words you told me were ever true. All the days you chose to ignore me. Then wondered why I became distant. The list of things you told me you'd never do for me. Like laying bed with me in the morning for a little while... Or sitting down to chat with me while I worked. I think about all of the things you reminded me about me that made you mad or irritated. I can still here those words ringing in my ears. I think about the tests you said you gave me. Laying still to see if I would touch you. Little did I know since I could never read your mind. Or maybe I read it too well. I remember the nightmares I had about you with someone else. I never had solid proof, but your actions indicate I may have been right. My intuition told me that you would hurt me. That was a painful prophecy. I recall the day I left. How you stood in the doorway with a cold look ok your face while I was broken. I hugged you tightly and felt nothing from you in return. Nothing is all you gave me of yourself. The last words I told you that day was that I love you. You turned around and walked away, got in your car and never once looked back. I had to travel 3 states away to get back to my family. You never even checked to see if I got home alright. I never understood what I did to make you so angry. To make you yell or throw things. I never understood how you could act so cold while I cried when you said things that really did break my heart. Never did I get a sincere apology from you when you did any of those things. Now you have to obligation to do so. Apparently you didn't feel an obligation then, either. I remember telling you time and time again that all I wanted was for you to be happy and now that I'm gone, you are. You said no one ever loved you as much as I did. You were right. Still you chose to release me. Was it out of mercy because you could see what you were doing to me? Or was it because you just had to see more of the world and I was just a hindrance to that? I'll never know. I'll never ask. Why do I still love you after everything I just described? It's because I believed in you. I saw the tender sides of you that eventually faded into a hatred and resentment of me. I was too emotional. I cried to often. I didn't smile enough. Don't you think I wanted to be happier? And don't you think any of my unhappiness has anything to do with how you made me feel? You always did tell me that you already knew what was going to happen. You've been through it before. I was so hoping I could change your mind, but you never gave me the opportunity to. You never believed in us the way I did. Now you get to see the green grass on the other side, but soldier? You did something wrong. You left someone behind. You led me into a minefield and made me a casualty to the war in your mind. You said you would never hurt me. You were partially correct. You chose to kill me instead. Goodbye.