Saw her today (a question), and some words for those hurting.

[firefly2613]

I forgot about this place.

 

Not because I wanted to, not because I hated it, but because my mind associated it with intense pain and pushed it out. I didn't want to be reminded.

 

But, today, and through this past week, I was reminded. So I decided to come back here and pass on some words of encouragement to those struggling with heartbreak, and to ask a question (at the end of this, if you want to skip ).

 

I was dumped on September 18th and I didn't even know it. All I knew was that she "needed space to find herself". I agreed. I came home that day in shock. I googled - "what does it mean when she says she need space" - and most everyone said it meant she was breaking up with me but taking the coward's way out. Some even said she probably had another guy. "No", I thought, "no way. I saw how she was crying. I felt her sobs. She loves me, she's just confused with all this business of starting college, with getting into a sorority, with being eighteen. She'll think things over."

 

And apparently she did think about things.

 

Four days after the 18th I called her to ask her out for coffee. She said she couldn't but that she appreciated my offer. I let it be, but later in that day she called me and left a thirty minute voicemail, a pocket-dial of her driving around and listening to music. I called her. Somehow I got on the subject of us. I told her I knew I had been a little clingy and suffocating and that I wanted to do it better this time around. She said she would think about it. I told her she needed to be willing to fight for us. I asked if she was.

 

"I don't know," she said, and hung up the phone. Four days later I found out we really were broken up.

 

I won't beat you over the head with all the details, but I spent the following month doing everything wrong. I texted her too often, called her too much, checked up on her on social media, all the while noticing she was getting cozy with this other guy. I never occurred to me that she left me for another guy until then, even though some folks said that could be the case.

 

"Not her. She's different."

 

But it was true. The last time I talked to her in person I passed by her in my university's bookstore and she was with this guy. I said hi. She said she had to fix her shoe and avoided looking me in the eye. The guy stood behind her - too close, I thought - and looked annoyed, like he wished I would go away. I kept my composure and I kept walking.

 

In my car, I cried until no more tears would come.

 

That night I asked a good friend of mine to check her Facebook and see if she was dating this guy. He said she was. She had looked at me and lied about this guy numerous times. It was true....I couldn't believe.

 

I felt numb.

 

From then on I didn't talk to her but I kept checking on her through a fake Facebook profile. My brain made false promises. "If you touch that hot stove, I'll reward you with something...I will." I always touched the stove, yet no reward ever came. It was like being addicted to heroin. I had to have my fix.

 

I couldn't stop thinking about them two in bed together, so much that I developed a particular fetish about it that was not pleasant for me.

 

Fortunately, I found a group of amazing friends who supported me, in particular one confidant willing to listen to my rants and professions of "I'll never love another". It was a great help.

 

On December 18th, I slipped up and decided to check her Facebook, after about a month of successfully staying away. I saw that her last name had changed. I thought it was a joke.

 

It wasn't.

 

She married him. I was devastated. I honestly don't know how I kept myself together but, in spite of myself, I sent her a message of congratulations. She sent me some stuff back about him being her soulmate, and how she was sorry she wasn't mine, and how you "just know" when you find your soulmate. We friended each other back on Facebook and everything was fine. At least this was a nail in the coffin for me. At least I could finally move on.

 

But I couldn't.

 

Although I hid her updates, I couldn't stop myself from checking out her profile from time to time. Each time was like a punch in the gut. Each time made me feel like the breakup had just happened. I would be back to that pit we all know so well - couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't think about anything else...I wanted to die.

 

In late December came what I like to call my resurrection day. She posted something about them going to a particular restaurant and ordering a particular food. She posted this in detail. It was the exact same place that used to be our place and they even ordered the exact same food. I was devastated once again. But that confidant I mentioned earlier said it was time to get out of this place.

 

And I did.

 

Now here I am. Exactly five months to the day later, and I see her for the first time. These days I don't much care about her. I've reached a point of indifference. If she becomes a great person, more power to her. If she falls and ends up living in a ditch, more power to her. I have given up Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and any other social media platform. I live with the knowledge that checking on her could set me back to day one and, as such, I avoid her like she has the plague. The twist is I don't care enough about her anymore to even want to check on her. I've reestablished old friendships, established new ones, thrown myself back into basketball and working out, started living my own life.

 

Don't worry. The day will come when you reach that point. It's a great day.

 

But it'll kind of pass without you realizing it.

 

I know it's the worst, I know you hear it from everyone, but time is really the great healer. Take the advice of the people on these forums. You won't want to, you'll ignore a lot of it, but trust me....it helps.

 

Keep this in mind. From the movie Shawshank Redemption: "In 1966, Andy Dufresne escaped from Shawshank prison. All they found of him was a muddy set of prison clothes, a bar of soap, and an old rock hammer, damn near worn down to the nub. I remember thinking it would take a man six hundred years to tunnel through the wall with it. Old Andy did it in less than twenty. Oh, Andy loved geology. I imagine it appealed to his meticulous nature. An ice age here, million years of mountain building there. Geology is the study of pressure and time. That's all it takes really, pressure, and time."

 

Pressure

 

This is what you do when you're trying to get your life back on track. This is what you do when you try new things, when you force yourself to go out and make new friends and meet old ones, when you force yourself to stick to No Contact. It never feels like much. But every second you spend focusing on yourself, doing what you want to do, is pressure. You're taking your old rock hammer and cutting a hole in the wall.

 

This is what happens when you cry.

 

Time

 

Here's what it's like. You wake up and they're the first thing on your mind, and then they're on your mind for the rest of the day. You wake up and they're the first thing on your mind, and then they're on your mind for some of the day. You wake up and they're the first thing on your mind, and then that's all. Every time you grieve, every time you cry, a little bit more of that person disappears. Until one day you wake up and they're not the first thing on your mind. It takes awhile to get used to their absence. But time will start moving quicker.

 

Time will start moving quicker.

 

It won't always be slow and miserable.

 

If I had to sum this up, I would say....it gets better. It really does. Just trust that there's a light on the other side. Focus on accepting that it's over. The most difficult part about losing someone is mourning the future you thought you had together.

 

But you've got a better future.

 

Seriously.

 

--------------

 

MY QUESTION: As I said, today I ran into her. She was actually in my department building today. No reason for her to be there. She knows it's kind of my "territory". I'm not really concerned about her anymore AND I have a new love interest. As I was walking down the steps today I noticed this girl walking through the doors and I thought "she's kind of cute". Then it dawned on me that it might be her but I thought no...of course not.

 

Because now she is completely blonde and has pigtails.

 

I walked out behind her to go to the convenience store. I thought again that it could be her because of the way she walked. Anyways, I figured if it was her I would just leave her alone and she walked left and I walked right. I went into the store.

 

She CAME INTO THE BUILDING from a side door, walked over to the store (there's a window separating it from the hallway)..she stood in the hallway and stared at me as I was in the store, the only person in there. I kept glancing at her to see if it was her. On the third glance I realized who I was looking at. I got my stuff and I walked out the door and kept going without looking back.

 

Is she psycho?

 

Why would you follow the guy you dumped into a building and sit there and stare at him, and without even saying a word or waving or anything?

 

I don't really care, but it would be nice to have some sort of logic behind this because it is weird and, quite frankly, a little alarming.

[mhowe]

There is no logic. She was curious...she didnt do anything.

Maybe she and her soulmate hit a rough patch already.

Don't give it another thought.

[firefly2613]

There is no logic. She was curious...she didnt do anything.

Maybe she and her soulmate hit a rough patch already.

Don't give it another thought.

 

Haha, very true. I made the post mostly to encourage folks. But, in regard to that question, it's like the reaction you have when you see something totally insane, you know? You put your hands on your head and think "what in the world?"

 

Also, many thanks for posting on my earlier threads when I was struggling with this. Your name is familiar to me. I know you commented a lot on my stuff.

[BigKK]

Answering your question... who cares?? She may have ran into you, you may be conjuring the fact that she in fact was "stalking you." Perhaps she saw you and was a little shocked, you were a familiar face.

 

 

But she got married at 18 a few months after breaking up with you???

 

Be glad you didn't make that mistake! But no one will tell you 'why' she was there, the real answer is you shouldn't bother caring too much either.

[mhowe]

No problems. I am glad you moved on and this was no more than a "what in the world?!"

I am glad you resisted contact.

[nutbrownhare]

You are way, way overthinking this - that's why it's become alarming.

 

Your department building is not 'your' territory; it's a public building you go to. If she'd been hanging around outside your bedroom window at night, and staring in at you - yes, that would have been strange.

 

But there's nothing in your account above which seems strange. She may have been shocked to see you, or was checking to see if it WAS you, but that's not unusual behaviour if it's someone you know who you haven't seen for a while.

 

The logical explanation for all this, especially the very detailed background which forms the majority of your post, is that you are nowhere near as healed as you are trying to convince yourself you are. When we haven't really let go of someone, our imagination can play tricks on us; seeing them is upsetting and disturbing and we attribute all sorts of motivations to them which aren't really there, as in 'Is she psycho?'

 

Telling yourself that you don't really care is not being entirely honest with yourself, either. You need to grieve this relationship fully before you can really move on. Once you have, you'd scarcely notice if she were within a five-mile radius of you!

[silversoul]

To me it seems you are not there yet, but that's ok considering it's recent and it's very traumatic being left for someone else. Apart from this, great post!

[firefly2613]

I appreciate the post but you are terribly inaccurate. We live in a small town. We go to a small college.

 

She followed me from my building to the store, and she stood outside for over two minutes, which was how long it took for me to find what I was looking and checkout because my card was acting up, and she just stood and stared directly at me. She did not move at all even when I looked at her.

 

My mind isn't conjuring. It's just freaking weird.

[silversoul]

Someone who would marry at the 18 and so soon after the break-up is pretty weird, so don't be surprised. She seems like someone immature and overdramatic

[firefly2613]

To me it seems you are not there yet, but that's ok considering it's recent and it's very traumatic being left for someone else. Apart from this, great post!

 

Thanks, but I don't need people to tell me how not over it I am. It's annoying.

 

I think after hours of counseling, after working through my horrible fetish, after finally being able to no longer check on her, after no longer memorizing her phone number, after going through her whole birthday (on the 13th) scarcely even thinking about her, I think I'm pretty much over it.

 

And by the way, if you "think I'm not there yet" then apparently the rest of my post is just a crock of crap.

[silversoul]

Wow, slow down. I was just giving you advice cautioning you that you may feel bad again, that it's not a linear process. The fact that you are getting so emotional over this is alarming too.

[firefly2613]

Wow, slow down. I was just giving you advice cautioning you that you may feel bad again, that it's not a linear process. The fact that you are getting so emotional over this is alarming too.

 

Good to know.

[jonyyy]

Nice post firefly. I remember you and I'm glad you've been doing good.

 

Got one question regarding the part where you tell how she lied to you about the other guy and you couldn't believe it, not her. How did that affect you trust in people? How did you cope with that?

[firefly2613]

Nice post firefly. I remember you and I'm glad you've been doing good.

 

Got one question regarding the part where you tell how she lied to you about the other guy and you couldn't believe it, not her. How did that affect you trust in people? How did you cope with that?

 

Oh man, it really did a number. The counseling really helped with this. I figured out the development of the fetish became my way to cope. I put all my hurt feelings into sexual form.

 

But it really helps to try to open up to new people or people you already know. If you have a best friend or something, surely there is something you've never told them. Don't be shy about who you are.

 

There was a girl interested me a few months ago but I didn't go for it because I didn't want to rebound, and I didn't trust that she would hold my heart safely. That's mostly passed now. Because here's the big thing I learned:

 

It all comes down to self-confidence. You let people in and it's a wonderful feeling. You just have to work on how proud you are of yourself. Anyone can hurt you at anytime, anyone can violate your trust, but in the back of your mind you just need to know that you can deal with it.

 

And that's what I keep with me. I know I've made it through such a tough spot. I know I must be a tough person, and I know I can handle whatever comes my way. I hope that helps.

[jphcbpa]

Loved the Shawshank reference. Pressure and time.

[SooSad33]

Hi Fire...

 

I really got into your letter, today. I must say I was touched. It did hit a few nerves of my own. It did hit a few heart strings, still lingering about my own ex.. whom I lost 10 months ago.

It HAS been very emotional and very difficult, as you've explained. I understand, greatly, your pains in this.

 

Just wanted you to know.. I understand.. and I do hope you can keep moving forward with success in your life. It is something YOU deserve.

Again, sorry for your pains... take care.

[Ms Darcy]

I am so glad you went to counseling. So many people shy away from or shun it. Glad you are feeling better.

[jonyyy]

So what you're saying is that if one is in control of himself, his emotions, if it's confidant and with high self esteem, he can open himself again to someone else. But when disappointed or betrayed again, he should fall back to the previous state of self love and confidence instead of being miserable and heartbroken like in the first time?