jonyyy

I can't believe this, I'm really feeling light and optimistic. You suck so bad ahah you're so messed up. I'm feeling so relieved, hope this won't go away. I won't say that I'm letting go of you, no, instead I'm finally getting rid of you, finally!!! There's no hope for you, you'll continue to be miserable. I'm so proud of myself. I'm doing it, I'm conquering the pain and moving on the right way. Not like you, jumping from guy to guy, from drunk to drunk to go on with your existence.

So it finally hit me hard and I feel a ton better. I don't want you back. The switch happened, I feel disgusted for you, you can't disappoint me anymore, there's nothing left of the old you and I despise the new you. I'm happy today. Feeling relieved, you hardly bother me anymore, you changed in a way that I don't want anything to do with you, even if you would come crawling back. You're a lost case in my book and there's nothing else I can or want to do for you. From now on I think I'll heal super fast! I'm loving myself more and more and it feels great!

Sometimes I wonder if it was good for me to know all the cheating you did, I feel that knowing all that stuff prevents me from healing faster. Maybe I should had been kept with ignorance. But then maybe not, because otherwise I would have gone crazy just wondering what happened, how it happened. And it would be more difficult for me to lose all hope. Yeah it's bad both ways but I think I did good wanting to know. At least I know the truth, I know there's no hope going back, I know how it feels, I don't have to imagine things, I would end up knowing later and it would have been worse etc. But it sets me back many times. The thought. Many times.

NC really does work. I'm starting to forget you face, your smell, your voice, your touch. I loved to love you but I'm starting to let go. Goodbye.

Almost 90 days NC! phew.. rough times. I think I'm feeling better. My big ressentment towards you is the damage you've made to me in regards to trust other people. I don't think I can ever trust anyone again. You were the textbook of a good heart, strong person with the right values. If you failed, everyone can and will at some point fail. So I'll never be able to trust again, I don't want to go through all this again. I feel you've taken that from me and I can't get it back.

I can't believe I'm starting to feel good single!!!! And it's so much better than when I was with you!! I focus on myself, it's all about me, no more worries, anxiety, longing, frustration, insecurities, etc. I'm first, I'm my priority, I'm the king of my kingdom! Hell yes!!!

Today I saw you in the street. You were driving and you said hello and smiled. You seemed so happy. Tears instantly fell from my face for the rest of the day. How can you still have this power over me?? How can you make me feel so helpless, so miserable, so powerless!?!? I've been doing everything right, NC for over 3 months, carry on with my life, and still the moment I see you I realise I STILL LOVE YOU SO MUCH?!!? HOW??? WHY??? Let me go, leave me alone!!!!!!! You were the one who did me wrong, who did awfull things, why is it that I'm the one who have to keep going through hell!!!???

Lately I've been trying to take you off the pedestal. I guess what I miss is someone who cares for me, it doesn't have to be you. Today I went to the hospital do a bunch of exams with anesthesia. I missed your support a lot, or should I say I missed someone's support? Don't know. I miss your caring though. You were always there for me and it felt great, so conforting and so trusting.

Not even a happy birthday message from you, wow, even after all the "you're super important to me and my best friend I need you in my life" talk. Guilt talk from you huh? After almost a decade of companionship. Oh well it's for the best I guess.

Today we would celebrate 9 years. How could you do what you did, how could you be such a disappointment and a cliché. Miss you, being with you, talking to you, miss your smell your laughs your kisses. Miss you support and friendship. Miss your eyes and your skin. Can't wait to STOP missing you.