How many ladies make their guy sit when he has to relieve himself?

[CeeLambrini]

OP, I hope you are reading all of this.

This thread started out as a comical and light hearted question, one which received many shocked responses and now it has transformed into a much deeper discussion.

 

I am wondering if subconsciously you may have began your thread as a cry for help. As much as you want to seem like everything is fine and dandy, and that you're coping - you're letting little snippets of information come out to us for us all to see the big picture. I can't ignore the feeling that there may be something bigger behind this - something that you're not quite ready to let go to us yet but let me assure you, no one is attacking your wife - the biggest concern here is for you and your children.

 

Your wife has gotten you standing on constant thin ice, and has convinced you that she has all the power in the world over you. If you don't do something she likes, including to the extent of how you use the bathroom, then she is ready with a gun to hold to your head. This is an unhappy life, and it seems she truly believes that the only reason you are willing to love her, be nice to her, and do as she wishes is because if you don't then she will take away the children.

You know you love her, but she clearly doesn't if she has to have some kind of insurance over you. She doesn't trust you.

Withholding the passports may actually help her realise that even though you have taken the power from her, you are still there with her, and supporting her.

I'm just taking this from a different angle, and it may be a long shot. But you have stated that you love your wife, and you are committed to the relationship. Maybe feeling like you are going behind her back is going to put a wedge between you both. It might, in the long run, actually have a positive affect.

[Moontiger]

In Canada you do need both parents ' signatures for the child to get a passport. Or you have to have a notarized letter from the other parent or a soul custody agreement. ( I got a passport for my son two years ago and both mine and my husband signatures were necessary. And we had to show up at the passport office together.)

The US I believe is the same. I checked their government site and it says pretty much the same thing.

 

And there is why she got him to sign that note. That is her back up plan. OP, you have to speak with a lawyer and get the letter out of her possession.

[tiredofvampires]

I don't even know if getting the notarized letter out of her possession is worth anything (and again: do not attempt this on your own, without legal counsel), because it is a legally viable document that you can't nullify by taking it from her. And you obviously can't destroy it, as that would warrant charges against you, and you certainly would lose everything doing that.

 

Having signed that document was probably the worst thing you have done here, but if you have a good lawyer, they may be able to prove that you signed it under coercion, with other evidence of her coercive, intimidating, and blackmailing tactics.

 

In any case, to repeat, do not attempt to gamble or take risks on any actions moving forward. You do not know what the outcome will be if you take certain steps without a lawyer guiding you at every step of the way, and if anything should go as not predicted. You can't afford to take risks without a competent professional who knows the possible outcomes, which I think you wisely realize. I think this woman has her bases covered -- perhaps Japanese passports for the kids, this letter. She likely has everything she needs to abduct these children, and you trying to outsmart her on a gamble might be a disaster.

 

I have to say, it almost sounds like a longshot that this is all due to PMDD. As I said, I'm skeptical that that's all that's going on with her, psychologically. PMDD causes mood disorder symptoms, which does involve angry, impulsive reactiveness, and other things, but it takes a lot of pre-meditation to do a lot of what she's done.

 

I agree with another poster that this thread seems a cry for help. You're in a classic domestic violence situation, where placating your abusive partner dominates your existence, and you have been intimidated and threatened into silence. Which breeds more terror and silence. I'm glad you're reaching out.

[Dragunov-21]

I agree things have to change drastically. Get someone to draw up a legal document saying that if you separate or divorce, she cannot take the kids away from you without both of you agreeing to a custody agreement first.

 

Legally, she cannot. But get this through your head, she can take them away to Japan if she does not wish to return to the United States. What is legal and what is possible are two very different things.

 

In Canada you do need both parents ' signatures for the child to get a passport. Or you have to have a notarized letter from the other parent or a soul custody agreement. ( I got a passport for my son two years ago and both mine and my husband signatures were necessary. And we had to show up at the passport office together.)

The US I believe is the same. I checked their government site and it says pretty much the same thing.

 

This is a moot point; they already have US passports (and possibly Japanese ones). Either will be enough to get them out of the country.

 

I don't even know if getting the notarized letter out of her possession is worth anything (and again: do not attempt this on your own, without legal counsel), because it is a legally viable document that you can't nullify by taking it from her.

 

I suspect not, as it is only the passport that is required to take the kids out of the country. The note would only have helped get a passport in the first place, if I understand it correctly.

 

And you obviously can't destroy it, as that would warrant charges against you, and you certainly would lose everything doing that.

 

Once again, what is legal and what is possible are two different things. If she did not make copies, once the letter is destroyed there is no evidence it ever existed. Of course, that's a big if.

 

Having signed that document was probably the worst thing you have done here, but if you have a good lawyer, they may be able to prove that you signed it under coercion, with other evidence of her coercive, intimidating, and blackmailing tactics.

 

As I said, I think at this stage the letter is not a concern. It doesn't enable her to do anything that she could not do without it.

[Seraphim]

However ,when they expire he does not have to resign.

[Dragunov-21]

That's a bit like saying "Well he can just wait until they're 18", unless they'll expire imminently, isn't it?

 

Add to that the fact that if the children have US and Japanese passports, they will not expire at the same time and she will be able to use the threat of taking the children with the Japanese passports to get him to assist renewal of the US passports, and you're back at square one.

[Seraphim]

Well we do not even know when they were issued but many expire in 5 years.

 

But he has to start thinking because thinking he has no options is not true at all. That is just a sign of how abused he has been.

[tiredofvampires]

I wouldn't know the significance of the notarized letter, because I have no idea what sort of document it is. If it's something official, registered officially anywhere, there may be copies or records of it somewhere other than in her possession. There may be a copy of it in Japan, in safe keeping, for all we know. But my knowledge on this is very weak and speculative. What is honored here and in Japan I'm quite ignorant on, and OP probably is too, and shouldn't try to figure it out for himself. It's too complex for a layperson to know completely.

 

Besides, even without proof, just her making the claim that he destroyed a piece of evidence could count heavily against him. Especially if she just finds one witness, like the notary.

 

So no burning, confiscating, hiding, withholding, locking up of anything until he gets it straight from a lawyer's mouth how to proceed. He's worked very hard not to upset the applecart all these years and he needs to keep doing that just until he can get help.

 

It's common knowledge that women who finally get up the guts to risk running away from their abusers are most often murdered on the way out. Their abuser senses something is up, and that their "captive" is leaving them. They get a whiff of the plans, or find evidence. And that's the most dangerous window. So if you're going to make a move, you have to have it very well planned out, with people who are walking you through it and prepared to help you when you do make a move that could cost you everything.

 

ETA: My point about the passports is that I wonder if it is possible she could have gotten duplicate passports (US) without his signature. I don't know if that's a crazy idea, but it just occurred to me.

[shelty24]

Op didn't come here for people to bash his wife. He very obviously loves this woman. Yes some things need to change but putting all this crap in his head is not helping his situation. All this because she wants him to sit on the loo? Yes it is emasculating and he needs to stand up for himself on this issue but start a new thread if he wants to discuss legalities etc. This is getting a bit ridiculous

[greywolf]

Op didn't come here for people to bash his wife. He very obviously loves this woman. Yes some things need to change but putting all this crap in his head is not helping his situation. All this because she wants him to sit on the loo? Yes it is emasculating and he needs to stand up for himself on this issue but start a new thread if he wants to discuss legalities etc. This is getting a bit ridiculous

 

No more ridiculous than a girl posting a thread about how to get along with her abusive boyfriend and everyone replying that she needs to get away from the abusive situation.

[Dragunov-21]

ETA: My point about the passports is that I wonder if it is possible she could have gotten duplicate passports (US) without his signature. I don't know if that's a crazy idea, but it just occurred to me.

 

I don't believe you can get a duplicate passport without surrendering the existing one or reporting it as stolen/missing.

[Seraphim]

No more ridiculous than a girl posting a thread about how to get along with her abusive boyfriend and everyone replying that she needs to get away from the abusive situation.

 

Exactly! Men get abused too! Both men and women need to get out of abusive situations.

[shelty24]

No more ridiculous than a girl posting a thread about how to get along with her abusive boyfriend and everyone replying that she needs to get away from the abusive situation.

 

I think you are getting me confused with someone else. The only thing I have posted about my bf is that he lacks romance and I get a bit bored.. staring at the same four walls day in, day out. Hes great in every other way

[greywolf]

I think you are getting me confused with someone else. The only thing I have posted about my bf is that he lacks romance and I get a bit bored.. staring at the same four walls day in, day out. Hes great in every other way

 

Wasn't talking about you.

[Lorem Ipsum]

I don't believe you can get a duplicate passport without surrendering the existing one or reporting it as stolen/missing.

Exactly. And US passports have a 10 year expiry, not 5 like Canadian ones. If it is true that both parents need to sign/appear for a child's passport in the US or Canada (I don't have children, so I have no clue how that works), it might not be the same with a Japanese passport. Maybe that's what the letter was for, to secure those?

 

Anyway, as others have said, the best way to prepare for whatever happens, OP, would be to know your rights. An lawyer that specialises in Japanese immigration or family law may be able to help you with that, and if you're reading this over in Japan, it might be a good idea to seek one out if you can do it quietly. Odds are you won't have much luck finding one in the US, unless there are resources at the consulate or embassy you can access.

 

The friend of a friend of mine worked in Japan for several years and gave birth to 2 of her children there. The interesting thing was that the children were not considered Japanese citizens under the laws there, they were Canadians, because of their birth parents. I guess that in order to be Japanese, you must have one parent who is a Japanese citizen, place of birth has nothing to do with it.

[greywolf]

Exactly. And US passports have a 10 year expiry, not 5 like Canadian ones.

 

For minors I believe it's 5 years. Then 10 years when you're an adult.

[Seraphim]

Yes. You have to have a Japanese parent to be considered Japanese. Japan also will not let you hold dual citizenship past 21 in most cases. I have a friend who emigrated from Japan three years ago. The reason she will not become a Canadian citizen is because she would have to give up the Japanese citizenship. And she eventually wants to go back to Japan. And to do that she must remain remain a Japanese citizen.

[Seraphim]

For minors I believe it's 5 years. Then 10 years when you're an adult.

 

Yeah a minor child's appearance would change so much in 10 years they probably wouldn't even be recognizable by a passport photo if it was a 10 year.

[Blue92]

OP, whether or not you want to separate from your wife or try to work things out with her is your decision. I understand you still have feelings for her, but the abusive power your wife holds over you needs to end one way or another. Also, you have to think about the safey of your children before the marriage. Go talk to a lawyer as soon as you get back to the U.S.. That is a perfect opportunity. Once you know how to protect your kids legally, you can suggest counseling to your wife. Yes, you do need it. It is unhealthy for you and your family to continue on like this.

[Catherine_3]

If children travel internationally with just one parent, the border security should request to see a notorised letter from the other parent giving travel permission. I believe that's what the signed document was.

 

Without it, she likely would have trouble getting the children out of the country.

[petite]

Ok time to MAN up and do whatever the hell you want in the bathroom. Close the door, lock it is you need to. What you do in there and how you use the toilet is none of her business. She is your wife not teacher, she doesn't know better and doesn't need to teach you how to relieve yourself. You're not a kid that needs potty training.

 

If she has a problem with that, then you've got bigger issues to tackle and it's time for some marriage counseling.

[Dragunov-21]

If children travel internationally with just one parent, the border security should request to see a notorised letter from the other parent giving travel permission. I believe that's what the signed document was.

 

Without it, she likely would have trouble getting the children out of the country.

 

Do some more research on US exit requirements.

[Adama]

Thank you everyone!! I really appreciate it!!

(I just got my computer up and running with the wireless internet for the trip in Japan.) Right now, it is comparatively as if we are on a honeymoon. In other words, this would probably feel somewhat normal to most people. No yelling, kind of normal. She is in a really good mood partly because she had been on the medicine and significantly because she is kind of on an emotional high to be back to her home country, see her father, close school friends, eat Japanese food, etc. This morning, she did something that she rarely (pretty much never) does anymore these past few years (since she the pmdd had started), she was kind of dancing naked in front of me for a couple seconds when she and I were in the bedroom. WELL, I of course got a hard-on and initiated sex. She asked me, "Do you love me because I get the feeling that you don't?" I answered "Yes; do you love me? She hesitated a couple milliseconds (maybe also) and said "Yes". And the sex was good for both of us.

She had started and ran an online toy store in Japan when we were living here. We had dropped everything and returned to the U.S. after the F_u_k_ushima plants in Japan had started emitting all the radiation. So we left A LOT of toys inventory in our place in Japan. So we are back to visit her family with the kids. There are tons and tons of cute toys here and the kids, well * of course !!* wanted to grab them. Now we're only here for a short while, it does not make sense to pay the shipping to send them back to the U.S., she is not doing her business (or anything for income, the house, etc., etc. in the U.S.), and these toys are eventually just going to go to waste. So I wanted to let the kids play with WHATEVER they wanted! But, no, she's going to do this or that or the other thing with these toys. Makes * NO SENSE * to me at all. We've got three (right now LITTLE) kids who would like them at THIS age. But, I kept quiet, and said "Ok." Then she took a nap. Oh, that was it! The kids and I RAIDED her defunct toy store. I was pulling out toys here and there saying "Who wants the red one?! Who wants the green one? There's a blue one here.... Look at this cute toy house, etc. etc. We must have opened like twenty plus of these things (every category I could find)! Then, of course after a while, my better survival sense came to me, and I put all the toys in two plastic bags, moved them to a detached room (hard to explain) on our property where mostly only the kids and I go (and work), and bagged all the packaging and trash and put it outside. I don't know, but I would have to imagine that most other sane guys would also have raided her toy stash. I think also part of it is that she hates messes ... and ... well three little kids playing with toys, naturally make messes! Who cares??!

In terms of all the legal advice, thank you. I truly am not oriented towards that direction. I truly believe that that sort of action would ultimately lead to or at least place a significant enough risk probability of the loss of my kids (and I know even more critical their loss of their dad). It is not something that I am willing to risk. If I would sacrifice my life to save my kids, then I certainly can survive and endure her pmdd episodes. But, frankly, it worries me * every single day * and I continue to try and get our daughter to memorize my email and phone number. My wife is king. When she is climatic in the heat of her pmdd days, I wish I could grab the kids and do a star trek transport to the moon for a couple days. I wish and try to subtly get my wife when she is explosive to just take a few days to herself anywhere for basically any cost (hotels in NY, whatever!!), but she is on the attack. I most definitely agree that it is abuse (that definition of abuse that was posted was eye opening). But as long as she stays, I can hack it! When I look into those innocent eyes of our children, I melt inside. Those eyes say, "I trust you completely." And they are right!! Our daughter had stuffed a small yellow toy piece deep into her ear when my wife was out one day last week. I told our daughter that I had to take her to the doctor's office because it was in too deep to safely get out. She became very scared and upset that she needed to go to the doctor's office. So, as I have said to her many times before, I said again that "You can trust me. I love you through and through, completely. In life, other people will usually have their own agenda with you. But for me, I care about ONLY your well-being. I will never do something (e.g., taking her to the doctor's office to remove the plastic piece) to harm you. I ALWAYS am focused only for you. And as always, she trusted and trusts me. She says it with her eyes. That kind of unwavering trust from your child is precious, more valuable than any gem in the world. It something that I will always protect and cherish.

[Moontiger]

Bsgcic, do you realize that your children are being abused? And that you are letting it happen?

[Adama]

Bsgcic, do you realize that your children are being abused? And that you are letting it happen?

Yes, but if the kids loose me, it would be infinitely worse. Right now, they get yelled at unreasonably during 2 weeks of the cycle and more intensely (** screamed at **) during the explosive part. But, actually, at least our daughter, comes down to where I work in the basement more during those times and I put on Disney movies, etc. after hours that clients call for them and when it is during business hours, she and the other two kids draw on my white board right behind where I sit. From the perspective of the kids, they definitely need their father. And when I can, I'll time errands that I need to do to home depot or other so that we are all out and about. My wife seems to do better when she has time to herself during those times also; I just wish she realized it more.

 

By the way, our daughter is hanging out with me in the detached room where I work playing with many of the dolls and toys that I whisked away to this room from our "toy store raid". She asked me to carry her to the bathroom which is in the main part of our place and while carrying her, as I ALWAYS do when I carry her, I said "Your such a sweat girl [her name], you know I love you very much, right?" And as always, she responded "yes." But this time, (she's sitting on my lap right now asking me about the letters on the computer keyboard) she said something new: "Daddy, [my cat's name that died horribly] was your best friend?" I responded "Ya". Then she said (I almost have tears in my eyes), "You now have a new best friend, [my daughter's name]."

I can't express in words the special feeling I have from that. She (and our two sons) are the sweetest things in the world!