How many ladies make their guy sit when he has to relieve himself?

[tiredofvampires]

What is it about this concept that you don't understand: when you meet with a lawyer who is competent to understand the risks that you do or don't face from an objective, educated standpoint rather than an emotionally terrified placed, you will have a much better idea of what protections and rights you have to keep and save your children -- not just keep them, but SAVE them, because right now you are putting them in the path of a lifetime of severe pain and dysfunction. However innocent their eyes look now, however trusting, believe me that will evaporate as they get older and all these outbursts of rage directed at them and you, and feelings of having to protect you, and feeling like their bodies are confusing to them, and having no role model that stood up to an abusive partner, will mushroom into a range of emotional damage you only imagine the scope of. No amount of explaining, when they are old enough to intellectually understand your explanations about how you were afraid they would be taken out of the country will heal the emotional scars and take away the anger over what they were robbed of.

 

A lawyer can at least educate you about your options and what are the real risks, and how they could be prevented or dealt with so that your fears do not come true, or you will have recourse. You don't even have to take the advice, or follow through -- no one would be forcing you to do anything.

 

But you need INFORMATION, and you are literally incapable of knowing what is possible or likely or probable or right or prudent when YOU WILL NOT EVEN EDUCATE YOURSELF.

 

I grew up with an abusive, domineering father whom my mother was too scared to leave. In part, it was because she said she was afraid to have him take the kids away in a custody battle. She was a gentle, kind, loving mother who was always demonstrative, always acting as a "soothing agent" for daddy's outbursts. She would have given her life for her kids. But it's 35 years later and I still have a hard time with foregiveness for her. Because she didn't ultimately really try to end the problem and take us out of harm's way. She was too scared, unimaginative, and cowardly to even venture out to ask what she could and couldn't do, what her actual risks WERE. She was just making assumptions, mostly as an excuse to keep status quo. So for all her kissing the boo-boos and sweet words of love, she did wrong by us and showed us a gutless role model, which has led to too many problems in me as an adult to enumerate here, including my own problems with love relationships.

 

Truth is, right now your kids are only trusting you because young children do not know any better, and you are their everything. When that innocence wears off, and it WILL, they will realize you were a coward who could have at least tried to look into help, when it was completely safe to do so in private, and didn't. You're betraying them as their protector, and I speak to you from experience. After a while, I realized mommy could not help me with a lullabye and your kids will realize that no amount of toys made up for your inaction.

 

Again, you do not have to take ANY action that may be risky. But CONSULTING WITH A LAWYER IN PRIVATE, WHERE YOUR DECISIONS ARE ALL YOURS, AND YOU ARE UNDER NO OBLIGATION TO ACT, is not a risk. Your wife never has to find out. So that comes down to an excuse on your part.

 

I'm sorry to be so harsh, but your irrational fears that have paralyzed you to even INFORM AND EDUCATE YOURSELF are not a sign of someone prepared to truly protect their children, but rather to stuff their head in the sand and hope a Hello Kitty doll will make it all better.

 

And as I said before, if she's not medicated when she should be, why is that?

 

It seems like you're really just more interested in letting off some steam than figuring out what might help you, and you certainly are in an income bracket where you're lucky enough to find a good lawyer to at least advise you of your options.

 

Like most abused spouses, you've gotten so used to the way things are, the idea of change is worse than the future injury to you and your children.

 

My mother had protections she didn't even know about, because somehow, she convinced herself that even trying to know was either futile or beyond her. And of course...she loved my dad, despite all this. They had had a history together, however twisted, and she couldn't imagine a life without him, as you probably can't with your wife. But that's all water under the bridge. It's fallen to me to pick up the pieces. As a little child, she was my refuge. All the years after that she represented the weakest side of human nature, for protecting HER OWN FEAR MORE THAN US.

 

I don't doubt that you love your kids more than life itself, but there are many ways you are failing them by remaining passive instead of exploring your options, which is entirely safe.

 

Getting and retaining a lawyer doesn't even mean you have to divorce her, it means that any other kind of help individually or as a couple you seek, or insurance that your kids not be taken away from you, which you don't have now and might hope to obtain, will be secured. A SENSE OF SECURITY AND A BACKUP PLAN IF NEED BE, INSTEAD OF WALKING ON EGGSHELLS? You wouldn't want that? It may give you the key out of this prison of fear you constantly live with -- and you don't even want to find out if that key is there?

 

Please take heed to what this board is telling you. You are not capable of thinking rationally about your options, out of conditioned fear, so you don't know a real threat from a false one. My mom didn't have the advantage of the internet. I suggest you use this amazing resource for more than a lesson on how to pee.

[Seraphim]

To echo TOV ,I now have PTSD in part due to the fact I had an abusive neglectful parent. I can guarantee you they won't thank you for that. You owe it to yourself and to your children to educate yourself on your options. Don't teach your kids how to be hapless victims.

[Moontiger]

To echo TOV ,now have PTSD in part due to the fact I had an abusive neglectful parent. I can guarantee you they won't thank you for that. You owe it to yourself and to your children to educate yourself on your options. Don't teach your kids how to be hapless victims.

 

 

I can relate to this on a smaller scale. My mother and father were loving and honestly tried to do their best. But my mother has a lot of issues she has never dealt with. I remember being screamed at and called names, her insinuating that I was dumb, being slapped and being terrified if she was in even a slightly bad mood. The worst was when she would withhold love/affection until she felt we had "learned out lesson".

 

I being very nervous/anxious and deal with that I tired very hard to make everyone in my life, at home, school, etc happy. It was like I could never say "no" because then someone would be unhappy, and in my mind if they were unhappy I was going to get screamed at or they would not like me anymore. I became very depressed for about three years before I finally went to therapy.

[Catherine_3]

I think you're wasting everyone's time. You dismiss everything we've been saying and go on these long off topic rants. You're not serious.

[hers]

It's almost as if you are excited about the drama you go through with her, like its a challenge.

[HeartGoesOn]

bsgcic...I'm curious as to why you posted this in the "Sex And Romance" forum?

[Adama]

What is it about this concept that you don't understand...

Thank you for your post. It is a very helpful perspective.

[Adama]

bsgcic...I'm curious as to why you posted this in the "Sex And Romance" forum?

Please read the first sentence of my original post. I explained there. The subject matter of the original post was different.

[Seraphim]

Yeah, but how you pee has zero to do with romance or sex. It is a relationship conflict. The romance and sex..forum are for sex act advice not the actual physical sex of being male or female.

[Adama]

It's almost as if you are excited about the drama you go through with her, like its a challenge.

This is not exciting one bit. I am certainly not enjoying it. However, this forum, the interaction on this thread, helpful advice, etc. has been a valuable to me. In fact, really the only open dialogue of this sort that I have had access to. But with your post here, bekka2's post, and the moderator's comment, I think that is over.

Thank you everyone for your caring and posts!

[Seraphim]

We just want you to protect your kids and yourself and not be worried about placating someone who is abusive so she can continue to carry on. You are steadfast ignoring what we are saying and just tell us what you do to placate her. We get that you love her but 3 defenceless children are depending on you to be strong.

[Moontiger]

Why don't you see a therapist, just for yourself? That way you would have someone IRL to discuss these things with and help you know how to handle what is happening with your wife.

[tiredofvampires]

I'm inclined to second Moontiger, but again, therapists are required by law to report certain kinds of abuse. I do think you need individual/private therapy in a big way. In your case though, there is need for extra caution in what you disclose (and if you hide the extent of it, it would defeat the purpose). I don't know the extent of it all, but from what I gather in this thread, your child was thrown out in the snow without proper clothing and that would be the kind of thing that might have to be reported, because of the level of maltreatment.

 

Which is why I think the lawyer route is better to start -- then you know exactly what moves you can make and which not, right now, to secure your situation.

 

What you're picking up on this thread, OP, is that all or most of us are wounded adults on this thread, who have had to deal with what happened to us in our formative years. How that has affected our self-image, our confidence, our mood status, our emotional coping, our ability/disability relating to others and having relationships. Most of that can be traced to at least one parent who was derelict in their duties -- either actively (as your wife is) or passively (as you are), and often both as they enable eachother. And people see themselves in your children who are right now helpless and depending on you not to abdicate and send another generation of broken children out into the ENA's of the world. We want you to do something before it goes even further, and likely a lot of damage is already done.

[journeynow]

If it is her business, then it is her decision, not yours, what gets done with the inventory. You may think you are being the good guy, but it is not right to undermine her this way. While I am not in favor of her insisting you stand to pee (which is your choice, pmdd or not), I think there is more going on.

 

She may have a need to control, but whether she has always been this way or it is new or related to the pmdd, it could be acerbated by the traumatic happenings in her home country and having to leave it, her family, her culture, and her business behind with an uncertain outcome. While I feel for you, I also feel for her. She may come accross as controlling to us here, but we don't have the full picture and it is possibly more complex. Maybe I err on the side of naivety, but I'd encourage that the two of you work to improve communication and mutual understanding and respect.

[Adama]

Thank you for your post. You are right. In regards to her inventory, I will definitely be much more respective to that. (I helped her a lot with it but it was her business.) And certainly mutual communication, understanding and respect is key. I try to do that and will continue to try to do better there.

[tiredofvampires]

I'm glad journeynow mentioned that about the inventory -- I think it was not right to mess with her stuff, it wasn't respectful. She did have a right to tell you to leave the stuff alone.

[kamurj]

The thread has run its course.