Blue92 Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 I understand she gets moody during pmdd, but what does that have anything to do with you sitting down to pee? And keeping your cats isolated to one room has nothing to do with that either. I've never met anyone with pmdd, but I'm sure she could have been more compassionate about the loss of your one cat when it happened. Even after you lost your cat, she still broke her promise and stopped taking her first medication. It may not have worked 100%, but obviously she still needs whatever she can get until she finds the right meds. Pmdd aside, I also think she is a total control freak. Just the way you talk as if you are under her rule makes that obvious. You even called her "the king". I think you both need to see someone to solve this issue. You need to learn how to stand up to her more and she needs to learn how to hand over the reins ever once in a while. A partnership between two people is equal. No one should be afraid to voice their opinions and try to negotiatiate with one another. Link to comment
Adama Posted January 24, 2014 Author Share Posted January 24, 2014 And now you can! With the link removed OP, I agree with the others. Your wife doesn't have issues, she has a subscription. If she's got PMDD, then the first order of business for her should be to get that safely under control. I can't imagine she finds that fun and if she does O_o. It's probably not done, but have you ever spoken to her father about the whole sitting down issue? I don't know where these women came up with the idea that they've got the right to dictate how another person relieves themselves, but I'm sure it didn't start with you. The PMDD is the source of all this. You really do get to know someone's true self when they lash out. Her father stands. My wife invented this. Link to comment
Adama Posted January 24, 2014 Author Share Posted January 24, 2014 Thanks. Due to Japan's allowing abductions, my wife has 100% of the leverage and we both know it. I effectively have zero parental rights and loosing my kids is out of the question. Thus, if she needs to be king for the marriage to continue and for her needs, then that is the way it needs to be. It is hard to realize what it is like in this situation faced with the zero leverage issue. I have no leverage whatsoever. I cannot demand anything for fear that the kids will be hauled off to Japan. She has all the power. I'm American but with these circumstances, I do not share in the same legal protections as other American fathers. For all practical purposes, it is Japanese law that is in effect. Link to comment
Blue92 Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 If I was you, I would talk to a lawyer then. Not to take action right away, but to at least see if you hold any legal power to protect your children. Link to comment
Blue92 Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 There has to be something you can do to kick your wife off the pedestal, or else it just ain't fair. Research as much as you can and talk to whoever you can if you truly feel unhappy and fear for you childrens' wellbeing. You have a right, you should have a right! Link to comment
Moontiger Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 There's not much I can do about it. Yes there is. You just have to choose to do something about or let you children continue to witness and learn bad/abusive behaviors or to start a long term plan of getting out of that situation. Link to comment
Don Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 I didn't read through all 11 pages of the post, but she *makes* you sit down to pee? What else about you does she control? If you don't make a mess, and I'll take your word for it, then she needs to accept the fact that men stand when they pee. I really think you two need to site down and have a real conversation about this - not a fight about who is right, but a real conversation as to why she feels the need to control you in this way and why you are OK with it. Link to comment
Dragunov-21 Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 Thanks. Due to Japan's allowing abductions, my wife has 100% of the leverage and we both know it. I effectively have zero parental rights and loosing my kids is out of the question. Thus, if she needs to be king for the marriage to continue and for her needs, then that is the way it needs to be. It is hard to realize what it is like in this situation faced with the zero leverage issue. I have no leverage whatsoever. I cannot demand anything for fear that the kids will be hauled off to Japan. She has all the power. I'm American but with these circumstances, I do not share in the same legal protections as other American fathers. For all practical purposes, it is Japanese law that is in effect. Do you believe she has the wherewithal to get the kids out of the country (where are you now?) without passports? Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 If your children were born in the US they are American citizens. If they do not have passports she cannot garner passports for them without your signature. Essentially they can't leave the US without both their parents say so. Link to comment
Adama Posted January 24, 2014 Author Share Posted January 24, 2014 I think the best way to illustrate the risks is here (this is just one example): link removed The children's best possible future is to not loose their father. I can assure you. If my wife were to feel the slightest bit threatened about me talking to a lawyer or anything like that, any indication other than my commitment to the marriage through thick and thin, then the kids and my relationship would end up like in all these cases. The risk of the downside is just too huge. I hate to look at it this way, but for example, I remember in one of my finance classes during my mba that in certain investment situations, even when the probability of success of an investment is overwhelmingly large, if the downside risk is so incredibly great (e.g., the company goes under), then the investment should not be undertaken. This most certainly applies here. Right now, as I write this, it is after she had been taking the medicine, and she has been mostly a doll like before she developed pmdd from giving birth. The manner of my writing right now would probably be somewhat different if it was one of the explosive pmdd days. But still, the circumstances would be the same. I am committed to this relationship. I do try to teach our daughter my email address and she has memorized our home phone number. Just to give that chance that she could regain contact down the road if things went south. I've gotten so used to this. I was just packing for our trip to Japan, and my wife started giving me a bit of a hard time because I packed my own shampoo in my suitcase. I finally said, "I like my shampoo? I'm not even packing that much. Are you going to give me a hard time over my shampoo?" What can I say, I like my shampoo! It doesn't take up that much space. My responses always always have to be tempered though. Only she is allowed to yell at our house. Link to comment
Adama Posted January 24, 2014 Author Share Posted January 24, 2014 Do you believe she has the wherewithal to get the kids out of the country (where are you now?) without passports? She mans battle stations on the passports. Kids passports are always in her possession. And she made me write a letter saying that she always has my permission to take the kids to Japan and made me get it notarized. She keeps that hidden on her person at all times. Link to comment
Adama Posted January 24, 2014 Author Share Posted January 24, 2014 If your children were born in the US they are American citizens. If they do not have passports she cannot garner passports for them without your signature. Essentially they can't leave the US without both their parents say so. All born in Japan but dual citizens with dual passports until 18 or 21 yrs old. Link to comment
Adama Posted January 24, 2014 Author Share Posted January 24, 2014 We're off to my mother's house which is closer to the airport and then to our flight first thing tomorrow. I plan to look at the site when I can during travel (plane changes, etc.) because people are so wonderful here! And this is almost my only ability to converse with understanding people (with the exception of my step-father)! Oh, by the way, when I went upstairs to pack about 15 to 20 minutes ago and took a leak STANDING UP, my wife said something and I said "I'm done sitting on the toilet." She didn't respond. Ha! Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 The thing is is you are allowing her to emotionally abuse you and your kids. You need to stop enabling her to do that. Link to comment
Adama Posted January 24, 2014 Author Share Posted January 24, 2014 Victoria66, I tried to stop her from yelling at the kids in the past and every time ended up risking abduction to Japan. I wish there was something that I could do about that, but the kids (and actually her also!) are better off with me. (And I could not bear life without the kids.) I know you don't know me, but I'm a good guy. Really. And our oldest has a sever disability and he really needs me. (And my daughter and youngest son too.) Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 Yes ,I understand that you love them and they need you. But the damage being done to them will be revealed when they are older. I can guarantee you that. You need to have your rights to your children secured in LAW. I'm not saying you are a bad guy I'm saying you are a guy that has been beaten down and to think that you have no rights and she has all the power. That is abuse and wrong. Link to comment
Perrin83 Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 I would love to be able to pee standing up!!! Or outside!!! link removed Here you go...girl! Link to comment
Lonewing Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 Sitting is far better for your bathroom environment. Nobody tells me, I just don't like cleaning and I don't like splatter - no matter how well you aim, splatter is simple physics. Hence, no issue... Link to comment
Dragunov-21 Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 Sitting is far better for your bathroom environment. Nobody tells me, I just don't like cleaning and I don't like splatter - no matter how well you aim, splatter is simple physics. Hence, no issue... I find that I get reverse splashback from sitting down. Impatience makes for a powerful stream. Link to comment
Realitynut Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 Well, yes....back to peeing....standing or sitting.....years ago i heard about someone (guy) who sat to pee! I was amazed. Never heard of such a thing... So i asked my boyfriend at the time why he didn't sit to pee. Seemed much more comfortable to me. His response was so hilarious, that i have told this story many times! (yes, i have no filter!) He told me that he was too big, and if he sat, he'd drag in the toilet! lol What a perfect response! But since then i have witnessed my ex-husband slinging it around afterwards....spraying droplets everywhere. I was horrified. I tried to teach my 2 young boys to 'wipe' after peeing. My ex told them to 'shake it off'....ugh. He also believed in potty training them by taking them outside to pee on a bush! My ex bf would pee sitting down many times. ( i never minded being in the bathroom while someone was peeing...just not the other please....) He said that way he'd be 'sitting and ready to do whatever he felt like!" LOL I did have humorous bf's! I would never have 'made' my men sit, but always wondered why they wouldn't rather.....just for relaxation...lol...unless in a hurry of course! But OP, you are in charge of your own body. If you don't WANT to sit...then don't. Tell her "i don't tell YOU to do xyz, and you can't tell me how to pee! Pee the way you want! I, myself, prefer sitting!!! Link to comment
tiredofvampires Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 Is it not fair for a guy to lift the seat and woman to put the seat down? Sorry one of my pet peeves. My take on this is that if you were to sit on the toilet with the seat up, you'd end up with your ass in toilet water. So the default should always be seat DOWN. For safety issues, if nothing else. OP, I do think it might have to do with something cultural, IF she was sheltered in some way. In Japan, as you know, they're really clean freaks -- so much so that credit cards, ATM cards, etc. are laced with antibacterial substances. Was she raised with her mother only talking about such "private" issues, and how to do it? It sounds like it was passed from mother to daughter, and she may just have never really been exposed to her father or other men/boys peeing in plain sight, so through her mother, she came to believe mythically that to stay clean (a big value), one must urinate like women do. So women teaching women how men pee in a vacuum of real world knowledge, because they can't imagine peeing any other way than the way THEY pee. If it was just this, I might be inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt, but it sounds like a pervasive quality. So I'm guessing there's OCD in there (though again, I think that culture encourages such tendencies; I know this from a psychologist with a large Japanese clientele, and it follows from the extreme hygiene values.) This is not to get her off the hook...it's very controlling behavior. But I think it's not completely just a personal quirk, it's multifactorial. And it does sound like she is damaging your relationship one step at a time. I suggest you get marital therapy (though getting therapy is heavily stigmatized in Japan, even more than here, so...) I think it's going to be a problem that you're teaching your sons how to pee one way, and she's trying to instill something else. This kind of thing can lead to problems down the road about how an individual feels about their private body parts, as obscure as that sounds. Too much attention and focus on something that should be perfectly natural and unthinking is going to create confusion that won't play out too well. That actually concerns me more than how you're going to protect your boundaries, which you CAN do, by locking the door. Link to comment
Lonewing Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 I find that I get reverse splashback from sitting down. Impatience makes for a powerful stream. No matter where you are, you will get splash back - this is a simple matter of physics. Sitting down, you limit the scope. Link to comment
Lonewing Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 Well, yes....back to peeing....standing or sitting.....years ago i heard about someone (guy) who sat to pee! I was amazed. Never heard of such a thing... So i asked my boyfriend at the time why he didn't sit to pee. Seemed much more comfortable to me. His response was so hilarious, that i have told this story many times! (yes, i have no filter!) He told me that he was too big, and if he sat, he'd drag in the toilet! lol What a perfect response! I've simply learned to manage myself so I don't have an issue. I'm quite used to seats that are simply too small around to accommodate everything at once. I suppose practice makes perfect. Link to comment
tiredofvampires Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 Wow, okay. Just realizing this problem is a lot more extensive and abusive, going through a few of the posts I skipped over... And now I'm thinking, you need to seek out a lawyer in family law. You can do this without her knowing. A lawyer might be able to explain what your options are before they accept the case, and you have as much confidentiality with your counsel, once they're your lawyer, as with a doctor. Of course, if they accepted your case, it's because they'd feel they could win here. I'm not sure how Japanese paternity rights can completely trump US paternity rights. You have to find that out. I'm not sure if there's any physical abuse going on, but if that's happening, that might affect confidentiality -- I'm not sure, so you'd have to find that out. There are certain types of abuse that a mental health professional is required to report, but I'm not sure about lawyers. Link to comment
Dragunov-21 Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 No matter where you are, you will get splash back - this is a simple matter of physics. Sitting down, you limit the scope. Standing up, the majority of the splash is contained within the bowl. Sitting down, it ends up on my scrotum. I'd rather wipe the floor, but each to their own Link to comment
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