Seraphim Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 Terrorizing someone by threatening to take their kids away is abuse. So is constantly screaming. And throwing your disabled kid out in the snow with no coat is nuts! This woman needs some serious help. Link to comment
Blue92 Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 Seriously, you need to talk to a lawyer. It will be kept confidential and you can't afford not to know what your rights are in this situation. What if you came home one day and your wife was just gone without any explanation? You said very little things can set her off and maybe that is all it needs for her to move back to her country and take the kids with her. She's even verbally threatened to take the kids to Japan if you don't do whatever she says. What kind of a wife would do that to you and your children? Please, seek legal advice. Maybe there is nothing you can do once the kids are in Japan, but I am sure there is something you can do while they are STILL in the U.S.. Fight back before it is too late! Link to comment
shelty24 Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 PMS can cause serious mood swings. I remember watching a documentary on it. She needs medication. They could at least try that first for 6 months before considering divorce. They have 3 young kids, the oldest is disabled and if they do split, the kids are going to be torn between two countries constantly (that is if it works in his favor) It is extremely messy and complicated and I think if it can be resolved-they should try to Even if she is abusive-there is help for that too. Counselling, anger management. Link to comment
Blue92 Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 Shelty, i don't think he wants to leave the marriage because he thinks it is safer just to try to stay on his wife's good side as much as he can. He doesn't want to stir up any more trouble than what there already is. The problem, though, is that she has a golden ticket in her hand to Japan and she can use it for whatever reason. She has all the power and it is not fair. She is making her husband miserable and the kids are in a very risky situation. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 Yes I KNOW hormones can cause mood issues. I am going through peri menopause. However I don't threaten to take our son away from his dad. You also can not force her to take medication. He needs to take steps for himself. I also know how it is to have a disabled child. My son is autistic. Link to comment
Catherine_3 Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 I agree that he appears to have no intention of leaving the marriage. However, I don't think he will be the one to initiate. I think her behaviour will escalate to the point where either she ends things or she leaves him with no choice but to get away from her. He needs to position himself strategically for when that time comes. Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 OP has left for Japan w/ family. Why not wait for his next post when he gets home? He is no where near ready for some of this advice...and will not post again for 10 days. Link to comment
tiredofvampires Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 Hormonal dysregulation affects everyone differently, so one cannot compare their experience with anyone else's. Having said that, I'm not sure how you can "medicate" effectively for PMDD. If there were really an effective solution for that, someone would get the Nobel Prize. Sometimes hormones and SSRI's help, but they don't for everyone. All PMDD is cyclic, because it's hormonal. But she sounds like she's like this all the time. I'm guessing there's more than PMDD going on with her. I don't think if her periods ceased, she's be a grounded, peaceful and rational woman. She also sounds like someone who probably would be convinced it's other people's problem and not take responsibility. Link to comment
Catherine_3 Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 Exactly, this is consistent behaviour - hiding passports, etc. Link to comment
Blue92 Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 I agree with tiredofvampires. Her pmdd symptoms should only be showing around the time of menstruation. Not all month long. Link to comment
Blue92 Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 Also, is sterilization not an option for her? Link to comment
Moontiger Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 Also, is sterilization not an option for her? I can only imagine the rain of fire the OP would be under if he suggested this. This woman is bananas. Link to comment
Dragunov-21 Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 I don't think OP has plans to leave the marriage guys. They have 3 children. If she got medication for her hormonal issues and they got some couples counselling-many of these issues could be resolved. It's not about leaving the marriage, it's about resolving the enormous disparity of power that's keeping him totally compliant out of necessity. The first step is removing her power, then he has the freedom to insist on resolution of her problematic behaviours. Link to comment
Adama Posted January 25, 2014 Author Share Posted January 25, 2014 Thank you everyone for the comments. We are all on an airport bus heading to our place in Japan. It's a Smart phone on the bus and thus typing is pretty slow. Thus I plan to write more later. I read everyone's posts. I'm on especially superduper good behavior because I need to make sure that she does not go off the deep end especially while we are all in Japan for obvious reasons , 10 day trip for kids and I and month for her. I'll be working moonlight hours staying on US East Coast time for business anyway. I have to say, with her having been on the medicine even though she is unfortunately back off it now she is still pretty much a real sweet doll. No pmdd for about a month. THIS is the person that I fell in love with when we got married. Link to comment
Adama Posted January 25, 2014 Author Share Posted January 25, 2014 By the way, I couldn't wait to be able to get back to this site. That is why I am even on my cell phone internet right now (and to of course check and respond to biz emails but I could have waited for that). This, I.e you all really mean something to me because I really have fealt so alone and in the dark on this and it is about the kids. God bless you hearts! Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 Signs That You’re In An Abusive Relationship Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings Do you: feel afraid of your partner much of the time? avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner? feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner? believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated? wonder if you’re the one who is crazy? feel emotionally numb or helpless? Your Partner’s Belittling Behavior Does your partner: humiliate or yell at you? criticize you and put you down? treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see? ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments? blame you for their own abusive behavior? see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person? Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or Threats Does your partner: have a bad and unpredictable temper? hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you? threaten to take your children away or harm them? link removed Take a good look at this list. And read the page I provided Link to comment
Catherine_3 Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 Welcome back. Have a great trip! Remember - you can observe a lot by watching. Be very conscious of your surroundings, especially her behaviour. Now that you know the problem is her, not you (sometimes when you're married and your partner's behaviour is outrageous, you can feel like you're the one who is crazy), you may start to perceive things differently. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 So you and the kids are heading back to the USA before her? Good, you'll have their passports to get back into the country and be able to get them to a safety deposit box. It's also the perfect time to speak with an international custody lawyer and contact a therapist for you and your wife. Sent from my iPhone using link removed Link to comment
shelty24 Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 I agree things have to change drastically. Get someone to draw up a legal document saying that if you separate or divorce, she cannot take the kids away from you without both of you agreeing to a custody agreement first. Tell your wife how you feel and try to sort this out. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 I agree things have to change drastically. Get someone to draw up a legal document saying that if you separate or divorce, she cannot take the kids away from you without both of you agreeing to a custody agreement first. Tell your wife how you feel and try to sort this out. The danger is, if he tells her how he feels before setting up legal protection for him and his kids she could have one of her pmdd episodes and whisk the kids off to Japan. That's why I'm saying get everything set up before he talks to her. Link to comment
Iggles Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 OP, if she is staying for a month, she's going to have to give you the kids' passports so they can return to the US with you in 10 days. There's your chance to lock up their passports once you're home. And go speak with a lawyer while she's away! Link to comment
tiredofvampires Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 OP, just as no one on this site can offer medical advice except casually, no one can offer legal advice except in a casual vein. If something is a matter of life and limb, life and death, your health, your safety, your most precious life assets, you need to go about the steps necessary for this under the guidance of a professional. We have a few very savvy posters on this site, and even a few lawyers (and I don't know if anyone on this thread is one), but they still can't offer you legal advisement. This is an informal forum. As I mentioned earlier in the thread, your wife may very likely have thought of a Plan B, if you were to take the kids' passports. If she's been this conniving already, does it really stand to reason that she hasn't thought of that possibility? That you'd try that? Would she really send the kids back with you, with their passports, without having thought of this? So you need to be very careful not to make a move that will enrage her and cause her to take them back to Japan, with whatever backup plan she may have, if she has one. I would strongly urge against your taking the kids' passports and hiding them WITHOUT HAVING BEEN ADVISED BY YOUR LEGAL COUNSEL, WHO YOU HAVE RETAINED, TO DO SO. Do not do ANYTHING without first having an attorney advise you, because you can't anticipate what she might do. Again, a lawyer who knows the risk you are in will keep this confidential until there is a plan with safeguards. I don't know about in Japan, but here, apparently you can get multiple passports, and maybe she has them stashed away in case; and could a Japanese passport over-ride a US passport? (don't know if multiple passports would have required your signature, but this is why you need a lawyer to advise you.) link removed Link to comment
tiredofvampires Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 Also, if medication stabilizes her moods, why is she not on it? (and I'm curious what med she has taken -- as I said before, PMDD is cyclic, not continuous throughout the month). Is she always good while on it, and always bad off it? Has she been evaluated by a psychiatrist, and has she been under psychiatric care? Who prescribed the medication for her PMDD? Does she understand her own condition, acknowledge that she has a psychiatric disorder that needs to be managed? Link to comment
Lorem Ipsum Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 could a Japanese passport over-ride a US passport? (don't know if multiple passports would have required your signature, but this is why you need a lawyer to advise you.) It's not that a Japanese passport could override a US one but that in order to get into Japan easily, you would need proof of Japanese citizenship, such as a passport. If these children have both US and Japanese passports, they need their US to get back into the States, but that hasn't solved the problem of the wife being able to take them if they also have Japanese ones stashed away somewhere. It also doesn't stop the wife from coming back with passports from Japan or going to the local Japanese consulate and obtaining them. As far as I know, you don't need both parents' signatures on a passport application. On her medication she may be a total doll, the one you married and fell in love with but when she's not on her meds, the doll she's like is Chucky. I say look into that passport or name alert thing that someone posted earlier and get some evidence of that she's like when she's unhinged. Unless she can find the right meds and keep taking them forever, this is going to wind up in a court, one way or the other. It would be way too easy for her to play the victim in a court/appear to be completely normal and if she does manage to get those kids to Japan, you're sunk. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 In Canada you do need both parents ' signatures for the child to get a passport. Or you have to have a notarized letter from the other parent or a soul custody agreement. ( I got a passport for my son two years ago and both mine and my husband signatures were necessary. And we had to show up at the passport office together.) The US I believe is the same. I checked their government site and it says pretty much the same thing. Link to comment
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