mhowe Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 I quite like this one too. Welll, I am still good friend with my ex with whom I had a long and serious relationship. I meet him roughly every 6 months for dinner and email more regullarly (to say happy birthday, happy new year or ask for practicle stuff). Which is why I can understand my BF remaining friend with his ex. But I wouldn't go on holidays with him as I think it is not appropriate EVEN THOUGH I told him about my new BF early in the new relationship and he is in a relationship too. I wonder where to draw the line with the ex stuff. Way before vacationing with them when you are in a relationship with someone. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 Way before vacationing with them when you are in a relationship with someone. Yup. The line is drawn at respect. If something an ex OR your S.O. does/says is disrespectful to you or the relationship you draw a line. Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 He says he trusts me and that is what matters. He tried to tell her nicely but then she didn't pick the hint that he trying to tell her something. He didn't dare to force the information on her as it's not fair for her to feel bad that he has a GF and she hasn't got people around her in her new town. Of course he trusts you! So far, he's suggested going on holiday abroad with an ex - and you haven't kicked him to the kerb! If she's going to feel bad because he's got a girlfriend, this is NOT a 'just good friends' situation. If she hasn't got people around her in her new town, him having a girlfriend isn't going to change that situation. He's left things open with her even if they're officially 'finished'; if they're in regular contact he's had plenty of opportunity to tell her about you and has chosen not to. She's under the impression that he'll be joining her as a single man, and if he hasn't corrected that impression by now, he's not going to. Do you believe him when he says he will? Sorry, but this guy clearly values the feelings of his ex over yours, and is showing you no respect whatsoever. Tell him that a relationship he has to keep hidden is one that he shouldn't be participating in, in the first place, and that YOU don't want to feel bad because your boyfriend is going on holiday with a woman who thinks he's single. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 OP, a past thread you should read: Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 When you send him off, wish him well and hope that he enjoys sex with his ex ... cause that's what's going to "happen by accident." Link to comment
Blue_Skirt Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 I am still good friends with my first ex, but it would never ever cross my mind to go on a vacation with him while one of us is in a relationship. Link to comment
Iggles Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 Trying to please everyone isn't nice; its selfish and irresponsible. ^^ This!! This whole week together was planned with her under the impression he is single. Red flag. If she's really "that good of a friend" still why has he witheld such a vital important part of his life... His girlfriend... With her. Exactly!! Good friends know about each others relationships! Full stop. He isn't being honest with her, and he damn sure isn't being honest with you.. The fact that he's lying to her by omission shows what he is capable of. He is has probably done the same to you! Never fully trust a liar.. When people show you who they are believe them! Link to comment
Whatzmyname Posted January 19, 2014 Author Share Posted January 19, 2014 Well. Yes I believe him. I know that he puts me (and her) in an unfair and disrespectful situation and he agreed that this is not right. But I do think that he's got autistic tendencies when it comes relationships sometimes. His ex is on FB, and if she checks his page, she can see that he's been with me to a few things. There was a more explicit post recently that HE wrote on my account tagging himself. So he just assumes she knows but didnt want to discuss it. It's not an excuse to me, but knowing him and his lack of judgement sometimes, it makes sense. SO I believe him. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 This is not meant to be rude just an observation: You sound just like the woman in the thread I posted. Just check out how her story ended. Link to comment
Doc Blaze Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 1- The fact that he hasn't told her about me yet. 2- Him going on holidays with her (yes, I am jealous). What's your views on this? what was your question again? You said you believe him so what exactly are you looking for? Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 Why are you allowing yourself to be treated with such disrespect? Link to comment
Whatzmyname Posted January 19, 2014 Author Share Posted January 19, 2014 Moontiger, I'm not very good with forums. How do I check it? Doc Blaze. Not sure. Just checking people's opinion and see what they think is acceptable for ex partners and what's not. Probaby just confirming that yes, it is unacceptable to go on holidays with one's ex when one is in a new relationship. Link to comment
_Asti_ Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 When my husband and I were dating we adopted this theory of stopping and asking ourselves "is this worth causing strife in our relationship..." When it came to friends of the opposite sex... Going out... Doing things etc If I found something uncomfortable or disrespectful I would tell him (and vice versa) and he/we would stop and think "is this worse causing an issue over..." And more often than not it was a reality check and we would realize we were placing trivial things above our relationship. If he's willing to do this and not really give a crap about how uncomfortable you are about the situation then why? Why is it so important for him to go and see her and take a trip with her? Is this "friendship" really that important that he's wiling to cause an issue in your relationship. Link to comment
Whatzmyname Posted January 19, 2014 Author Share Posted January 19, 2014 If he's willing to do this and not really give a crap about how uncomfortable you are about the situation then why? Why is it so important for him to go and see her and take a trip with her? Is this "friendship" really that important that he's wiling to cause an issue in your relationship. Thanks Asti. That's a very good point actually! He asked me a couple of good question actually. Since he'll tell her about us months before he goes on holidays with her and if I trust him and believe that he's not going to cheat, then why is it a problem to go on holidays with her? What if he were tovisit another female friend. Or male friend. Where does one draw the line? Link to comment
_Asti_ Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 Why does one want to travel with another female when you are in a relationship?! In the 10 years of my relationship (6 years of dating first) neither of us have presented a situation of traveling or wanting to travel with a "friend" of the opposite sex! This is an ex girlfriend not just a childhood friend that he's known since he was 3. Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 You keep discounting that this isn't a cousin/childhood friend...it is an ex. Why don't you go as well? Link to comment
Whatzmyname Posted January 19, 2014 Author Share Posted January 19, 2014 Why don't you go as well? Actually, I have thought of that tonight. I guess it'll all be discussed over the next few weeks. But yeah that's something to consider too. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 Moontiger, I'm not very good with forums. How do I check it? Doc Blaze. Not sure. Just checking people's opinion and see what they think is acceptable for ex partners and what's not. Probaby just confirming that yes, it is unacceptable to go on holidays with one's ex when one is in a new relationship. Go to page 3, find post 27 (number in the right hand corner of each post). Click on link. Link to comment
_Asti_ Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 If you trust him then you wouldn't be here asking if it's okay that he goes. Maybe his behavior over time with her has left you feeling a little unsettled and has cause for worry hence why you are asking if this is okay? I find it hard to believe that she can be such a a good friend but yet your relationship has never come into conversation. Link to comment
Doc Blaze Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 Moontiger, I'm not very good with forums. How do I check it? Doc Blaze. Not sure. Just checking people's opinion and see what they think is acceptable for ex partners and what's not. Probaby just confirming that yes, it is unacceptable to go on holidays with one's ex when one is in a new relationship. i dunno if your getting it....going on a vacation with a friend female/male opposite sex isnt always wrong... but the way your bf acts, to me makes it very wrong and sketchy.... she obviously stilll wants him, what have they been talking about...do you see their convos? I dont really keep secrets from my close friends and if someone was very important to me and my life it would be brought up in the convo especially after 2 years... also i wouldnt be spending money to travel with my ex..i would be looking to make and experience new things with my current gf Link to comment
diamond78 Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 This is highly inappropriate....and I mean HIGHLY. It really doesn't even matter if he has feelings for her or not, or if he would be faithful to you. It's simply a matter of respect and principle for him to not want to put you in such an obviously uncomfortable position. And how would you look telling your friends and family that your man is on a week vacation with his EX?? Excuse my language, but you would look really dumb having to tell people that and that's exactly what they'll be thinking. It's embarrassing and humiliating for you and he should not want to put you in a predicament like that. I can't even believe you didn't laugh hysterically in his face when he first brought it up to you. The only thing you need to say to him at this point is, "Go on this trip if you want, but I won't be here when you get back." What does he need to go see her for anyway??? Sorry, but it's a NO. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 Go to page 3, find post 27 (number in the right hand corner of each post). Click on link. Correction it was post 29. Link to comment
Whatzmyname Posted January 19, 2014 Author Share Posted January 19, 2014 I dont really keep secrets from my close friends and if someone was very important to me and my life it would be brought up in the convo especially after 2 years... also i wouldnt be spending money to travel with my ex..i would be looking to make and experience new things with my current gf I agree on this too. I wouldn't check their conversation though. Ok, maybe she wants to keep the relationship going in an ambiguous way. Maybe she doesn't, but I have nothing in hand to show me that she doesn't right now. But let's assume that she doesn't, that he clarifies things with her and that they are just friends and everything is fine. Would it still be unaccepable for him to visit her for a week according to you? For me, it's grey area, but very dark grey - I wouldn't feel comfortable. End of the story. Asti, yeah, finding out that he hasn't told her about me has damaged my feeling of trust. But having known the guy for almost two years now, I can to rely on more than *just that one event* to judge him. And this is why I still trust him, despite him being a complete idiot with this situation! Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 You know, you can tell him that this crosses one of your boundaries, and if he chooses to vacation with an ex-gf, he can find a new gf. I know that's not what you want to say to him, but he's put you in this position. Link to comment
Doc Blaze Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 every situation is different.both my best friends are females..and i have gone on day trips with them but not week long trips during the holidays and if i did I know my gf would be with me also..But I would also not put myself in a situation like like..I also do not hide things with my close friends..and to be going on a week long trip with someone it would seem like they are pretty close..... why prolong it...You guys should jump on Skype and have him introduce you to her....why not... also if she has feelings like he says..u cant just turn the feelings off..its not a light switch...I think this whole trip is bad news.... Link to comment
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