What makes a relationship survive forever?

[sadsadguy]

I know ingredients to perfect relationships are trust, loyalty, intimacy, attachment, communication, transparency etc etc. Thousands of articles are available online and they all preach same thing, but even then most relationships fail. As the relationship progresses, attachment turns into possessiveness/clingy, communication into arguments, intimacy into lust and bonding into mere addiction.

What are the real meaning of all these words? What makes a relationship last forever?

[shelty24]

Am im not sure that things always get that bad. Sometimes people just grow apart. It doesnt mean that there relationship became hell in the end. For many, a breakup can be mutual or it can be amicable..

 

I dont know if anything lasts forever. I think if you take your marriage vows seriously and dont take each other for granted then maybe it will. Theres no guarantees but you can try.

 

i think date nights and romance are v important to keep intimacy and the spark alive.. as well as the other things you mentioned. Affection too-apparently 5 times a day is good

[Kendahke]

I know ingredients to perfect relationships are trust, loyalty, intimacy, attachment, communication, transparency etc etc. Thousands of articles are available online and they all preach same thing, but even then most relationships fail. As the relationship progresses, attachment turns into possessiveness/clingy, communication into arguments, intimacy into lust and bonding into mere addiction.

What are the real meaning of all these words? What makes a relationship last forever?

 

the will to put in the work and make the other a priority. People grow apart when they no longer have the will or care to make the other a priority.

[shelty24]

I also think every couple should get marriage counselling before getting married so they understand its not a walk in the park and promise each other that if things get bad-they will do counselling and try to fix it before just giving up

[Seraphim]

The thing is ;the things in all those articles that people tell you to do to make your relationship better and last longer a lot of people aren't doing them. They think they are doing them but they're not.

I can give you my list.

 

1. **** all-time numero Uno: Patience

If you have very little of this good luck. You need copious, unlimited amounts of patience.

 

2. Understanding

To have understanding you really have to communicate. This means that you plan a time when there are no other distractions and you have a conversation. This does not mean you have conversation while somebody is playing on their PC or iPhone. It does not mean having a conversation while you're watching TV. It does not mean having a conversation while you're trying to go to sleep. It means have a conversation maybe while you're having a walk so there is only you two to relate to. Or sit at the table accross from each other so you can look at each other's eyes. It also requires that you actually listen to people using active listening. This is not a chance to score a point and force your point of view. Actually LISTEN to each other. Use I statements when you speak. For example : when you say x,y or z it makes me feel.....

 

3. Respect

Both people need to respect each other's opinions. They need to respect other's spaces. And they need to respect each other's boundaries.

 

4. Compromise

 

You're not getting out of this alive unless you compromise. You cannot have everything your way all the time.

 

5. Common goals

 

You need to have common goals ,interests,values and morals. A lot of the time people think it's only love that makes a relationship. They have a "great" relationship because they love each other. And then they go on to list the 17 things about how they don't get along and are being horrible to each other. And they have nothing in common but they love each other!

You need things in common love will not carry the day.

 

6. Trust

 

You have to trust each other enough to know that your partner is a team player with you. You are one team ,you are doing everything for the team. If you don't have trust in each other it's pretty much done.

 

7. Love

Love does not does not have to be big romantic gestures. Most people have such a Hollywood understanding of this. "If she has sex with me every day she loves me" The second she stops having sex with you all the live long day does not mean that she doesn't love you. "If he loves me he will buy me that Gucci bag and Rolex watch." He may buy you that Gucci bag and Rolex watch but if you get treated like crap the rest of the time chances are he probably doesn't love you. Sex does not always equal love. Smaller amounts of sex don't always equal disinterest. Buying you big-ticket items does not always equal love.

 

Being in love also means that you are each other's best friend and do all those little things for each other all the little everyday things.

 

8. Don't throw things away at the first sign of trouble unless of course that trouble involves abuse.

[Seraphim]

And the other thing is to realize that it is perfectly normal for relationships to have ups and downs and ups and downs in every way. Every day is not going to be like a Hollywood movie. People should actually stop stop watching that crap. Marriages are actual work you have to work on it. It does not flow like a gracious river where everybody's spouting unicorns and rainbows every day. You are going to experience every emotion under the sun. You're going to have hard days , hard months and sometimes even hard years or many hard years. This is life.

[sadsadguy]

Great to see females' views on this query.

 

@Shelty: If I have learnt anything in this 1 month of breakup its the exact same things you pointed out. People grow apart when they stop communicating their true feelings regularly to their partner. The gap keeps on increasing, its like termite to a relationship. Spark is so much important to keep the bond intact.

 

@Kendahke: Right on. Will/care dies when we start taking other person for granted, I did the mistake. Many people dont realize that love is a privilege until its too late.

 

@Victoria: Thanks to write such a descriptive post. Your post is making sense from the very first line and I have pasted your post on my wordpad, this is so complete. Absolutely right you are, life is hard even if one is single or in relationship.. relationship is like choosing a person for you with who you want to spend those tough moments. I was reading somewhere, "If you can laugh your heart out with someone, make him your friend. If you can cry your heart with someone, make him your life partner". I would still ask you what makes two people compatible, when do we say person x & y are compatible? Is it common goals or anything else?

 

People tell me that true love is selfless, I totally get it when I see my relationship with mom. But is this gf-bf relation selfless too? I mean I would want my gf to be happy, the happiest girl infact but I still feel she should be with me not with any other guy. My love for her involves selfishness. My friend said to me "If you truly love her, you should be happy if she is happy no matter with you or without you", this is so difficult to digest. Her happiness is like my priority, this is the only thing I want.. Smile on her face but how can I be so selfless to let her go to someone else.

[OptomisticGirl]

The reason relationships, especially marriages, fail despite all these articles is simple: A vast majority of the time those articles are written to make you view marriage like no bad should ever happen. So when it does a lot of people can't cope (because if you were happy you wouldn't fight, right?) and they go into counseling expecting the therapist to 'fix' the problem. Generally, in my observation of being a child of divorce, an ENA member for what seems like centuries, and a wife of 2 years, marriages fail because people go into them (generally) expecting everything to be sunshine and roses after that ring goes on your finger.

 

And it's not. Marrying my husband was the best decision I've made thus far in life but I could murder him sometimes. Pure out right murder him. He ticks me off. I swear he does the things that he knows are going to tick me off on purpose just to see me flip my lid. Currently I've asked him for a week to Hoover the apartment and the vacume is collecting more dust than my floor is. We have ups and downs, but what makes our marriage work is not what makes others marriages work. The foundation of our relationship was different from your normal relationship and we use tools from that foundation to keeping our marriage maintained.

 

Another reason marriages fail despite all these articles is people change. You will not be the same person you were on your wedding day as you are 10 years later. What makes marriages survive is the people in them change together.

[Seraphim]

I will list the ways in which my husband and I are compatible.

 

1. We agree on the same moral system. We are in agreement in almost every way on what we believe love and marriage is about. We are in agreement religion wise. We agree in how we raise our child. We agree in how to spend our money. Those are the things you absolutely have to be in agreement about. And if you don't have an agreement you absolutely have to respect the other person's point of view. I will give you an example. My in-laws do not believe the same thing religious wise. My mother-in-law is Catholic and my father-in-law has no religion. But neither person forces their viewpoint upon the other. So while they do not agree on that point they respect each other's individuality. They have been married for 55 years.

 

2. My husband and I have a lot of the same common interests. The military is one of our common interests. I have a military husband. I was in the military myself for 13 years. I was a fifth-generation soldier and my husband is a fourth-generation soldier. We both love history ,we both love geography. We both love to travel and we both love to cook. We find ways to indulge our interests together. But we are also able to let each other go and have our own separate interests and friends.

 

3. We have a very strong dedication to each other and to our child. We are committed to do whatever it takes to be together forever. We have been through some very very hard times. And at times it produced a lot of cracks in our foundation. But it just made us double our efforts and learn to discover each other again. We have done that through couple's counselling and individual counselling. We have faced so many hard times in our 25 years together but I can't see anything breaking us apart. ( married almost 20 years) And I can say that because we have learned to communicate very effectively and honestly with each other.

[sara-pezzini]

the list Victoria writes is perfect and true, I will only add one more thing, also being able to give each other space to do things alone, not feel the need to be together 24/7

my BF and I have similar interests a lot of the time and we actually do the walk and talk a lot, works great indeed!

but the thing that makes us great together is that we also have a few interests apart from each other and give the other the freedom to do so, which in turn makes for great conversation to tell each other about those..

I don't think you have to be in each other's faces all the time, a little time apart sometimes is a wonderful thing, I wouldn't want to turn into such a couple that cannot spend an afternoon or evening apart from each other and that do every single thing together, I don't think that is healthy...

currently we are in an LDR still, see each other every weekend and sometimes a few days during the week as well, but I would like this to continue once we are married or live together, to still do some things separately...

 

but for me, patience, understanding, genuine interest, talking, not expecting big gestures, neither one of us expect that, it's the little things that are cute and that count, also have some form of life outside the couple life, common morals and values, and friendship, respect, accepting each other totally, and being comfortable to be ourselves, truly ourselves around each other make for a deep love....took time though and takes work! people nowadays give up way too soon... if he or she does xyz it's onto the next...or if they don't do xyz, next.... and people dump each other often at the first sight of trouble or difficulty..

[Ms Darcy]

I know ingredients to perfect relationships are trust, loyalty, intimacy, attachment, communication, transparency etc etc. Thousands of articles are available online and they all preach same thing, but even then most relationships fail. As the relationship progresses, attachment turns into possessiveness/clingy, communication into arguments, intimacy into lust and bonding into mere addiction.

What are the real meaning of all these words? What makes a relationship last forever?

 

I think relationships are tests. Relationships are not necessarily meant to last ... they are (to me) a trial period to determine long-term compatibility. If after a few years of a relationship (and ideally some pre-marital counseling) the couple determines that there is enough to make a lifetime commitment, then the next stage is marriage.

 

For me, the question is what makes a marriage last forever? And for me, the first and foremost reason is commitment. Attachment, intimacy, communication can go up and down, but as long as you both are commited to the relationship and working through the tough times it can work.

[shes2smart]

I think there is something to be gained by letting go of the idea that any relationship will last "forever." It's one of those ideas that puts a stupid amount of pressure on people and that can lead them to make poor choices....much like the idea of a "soul mate" or "The One."

 

If you enter all relationships - not just romantic ones - but ALL relationships - with the notion that they will have a beginning, a middle and an end, it frees you up to let life happen and focus on what I believe one of our true purposes is -- learning how to be a decent human being.

 

Marriage provides plenty of opportunities to learn how to be a decent human being. The last several years have been a difficult course for me in figuring out what kind of person/spouse I think I am, what kind of person/spouse my actions and choices say I am and what kind of person/spouse I want to be....and the vast gulf that sometimes exists between those things. These are not easy lessons, and I have failed miserably at some of them...but I keep learning more and doing better. Life has certainly not been stingy with opportunities to learn.

 

I have come to the conclusion that if your intent is to have a relationship that lasts until one of the partners dies (which is an "end" -- remember beginning, middle & end from above), sometimes it is sheer stubbornness that will be the only thing keeping you there. I suppose it's a good thing I have that particular trait in abundance (although, I prefer to call it "persistence.")

[sara-pezzini]

I think relationships are tests. Relationships are not necessarily meant to last ... they are (to me) a trial period to determine long-term compatibility. If after a few years of a relationship (and ideally some pre-marital counseling) the couple determines that there is enough to make a lifetime commitment, then the next stage is marriage.

 

For me, the question is what makes a marriage last forever? And for me, the first and foremost reason is commitment. Attachment, intimacy, communication can go up and down, but as long as you both are commited to the relationship and working through the tough times it can work.

I don't believe this is true, there are many couples who don't feel the need to get married, but stay together until death do them part....I don't think marriage is the only end goal and only way to commit to someone...

then you are basically saying that those couples who never marry but do stay together till the end of their lives are always in the test stage and never seriously committed, I don't believe in that...

you can also be very committed together without that piece of paper...I would like to get married to my BF yes, but it is not the only way to go...

[JA0371]

I honestly believe too many people get married during the infatuation period, and realize they aren't compatible long term. But I believe chemistry (especially physical) and compatibility are very important. Good communication and being best friends.

[Batya33]

"you can also be very committed together without that piece of paper...I would like to get married to my BF yes, but it is not the only way to go..."

 

I think people who define marriage as a "piece of paper" won't have a lasting marriage or at least one that is based on love and commitment. I agree that a couple need not be married to be committed to "forever" but then they both have to be on the same page about marriage and the meaning of the marital commitment.

[sara-pezzini]

"you can also be very committed together without that piece of paper...I would like to get married to my BF yes, but it is not the only way to go..."

 

I think people who define marriage as a "piece of paper" won't have a lasting marriage or at least one that is based on love and commitment. I agree that a couple need not be married to be committed to "forever" but then they both have to be on the same page about marriage and the meaning of the marital commitment.

you certainly took my words wayyyyyy out of context, English is not my native language, so words get lots in translation, but I really value marriage and I would marry my BF in a heartbeat, I have always wanted to marry one day, and I hold marriage as a sacred bond, BUT it is not the only form of commitment and I just don't agree with what ms Darcy said that a relationship is a test until you marry, as if there is nothing special to a long lasting, lifetime relationship without being married...I know a couple, who are old now, never married but have always lived together and have a good relationship, so why should that be less special than a couple who do get married?

so many people get married but also get divorced in a heartbeat, so I don't see how marriage makes a relationship more committed than living together could

[Reflective82]

I wish I knew! I think one of the most important things is the commitment of both partners and that neither of u want it to end

[Reflective82]

I think also some of it is luck in the partner you pick. A lot of people in relationships think they have all the answers and I was guilty of this too in my last relationship as we lasted almost 5 years, but we ended and other peoples relationships will too. I used to think I wanted the perfect blue print to never endure a breakup again but actually sometimes u can't control that

[Seraphim]

There is no " luck" in picking a partner. You have to learn who shares your views and not just who makes you hot. Just because there is physical attraction doesn't mean they are good for you relationship wise. Just because you love somebody doesn't mean they're good for you relationship wise. You have to know how to pick a partner. That is not luck but a skill.

[Reflective82]

I don't know if I agree there is no luck. Sometimes people can mistreat people, cheat etc and that is their pen issue and not the fault of their spouse. My father has treated my mum awfully and cheated but that is because of his own defects and issues- it was bad luck in this respect as if u deny this u make it the fault of the wronged party and I don't think that's right

[FreedomRing]

I think you have to really want to be married. If you're lukewarm with the idea of marriage in general, you're doomed. To that end, you have to really want to be married to your spouse, in specific.

 

But without willingness & compromise(no matter the subject) most marriages fail.

[shes2smart]

I've been in long-term relationships without being married

I've been married a little over 11 years.

 

A few years back, things were bad enough that I looked into getting divorced.

 

Until you have done these things, I don't believe you can really understand that there IS a difference between being in a long term committed relationship without marriage and being in a marriage.

 

At least where I live it is a HUGE pain in the ass legally and financially to break up a marriage. That's on top of the pain that break-ups bring in general. You'd have to be really miserable to bring down all that additional hell on yourself that it takes to leave a marriage. On some level, it quite literally forced me to stay married and work stuff out. A couple years have passed since that lawyer consult, and I'm glad I stuck it out and made it work, but really, if I wasn't married, I woulda been out at that point.

 

It has been my observation that it is very easy to say what you would do in difficult situations, however, for most of us, until we are ass-deep in those difficult situations, we can't 100% know what we would really do when we're in the middle of it.

[shes2smart]

I think also some of it is luck in the partner you pick. A lot of people in relationships think they have all the answers and I was guilty of this too in my last relationship as we lasted almost 5 years, but we ended and other peoples relationships will too. I used to think I wanted the perfect blue print to never endure a breakup again but actually sometimes u can't control that

 

I agree there is a certain amount of luck involved.

 

People may call it different things, but the fact of the matter is life will throw stuff at you that you cannot predict and will never see coming and you are left to deal with these curveballs as best you can.

 

I'll refer back to my previous comments about not really knowing what you'd do in a difficult situation until you are in that situation.

[Seraphim]

Yes, sometimes things go array and you can be taken in by someone. I will agree there. However ,I don't think it's as big a crapshoot as in there is only luck in picking a partner and only luck makes it work. Because that means that no matter what action you ever take you are not responsible. People have to be responsible for their own circumstances . That is not blaming somebody for being taken in. Because everybody gets taken in by a shyster at least once in their life. It is more about what you do when you realize you've been taken in by a shyster. That is the part that you are responsible for.

 

But ,Reflective you have to take your mind out of your mother's past. Your parent's marriage doesn't determine yours. My dad was a horrendous evil human being. He abused my mother in every capacity there was. My mother has also been married three times. It took her until the 3rd time to get it right. They have now have been married almost 20 years. It took her 3 times to get it right. The first time is because she was far too young and my dad was a charming abusive shyster.

 

But, really, Reflective you are in a really bad head space about men in general and relationships. You can not choose or not choose out of fear. You will create the exact thing you fear and you are not giving men a real chance. They are condemned before you even get started because you are choosing your be in your mother's and father's mistakes.

 

I don't take my parent's model at all.

[Reflective82]

Oh I agree it isn't just luck Victoria, but sometimes I think some of it is! I know some girls who didn't treat their partners that well but because they chose someone who was a bit boring and quiet the guy adores them, whereas I have tended to end up with slightly more laddish men but those same friends said they couldn't believe how giving I was and that they did not give as much as I did. In that respect I think luck does exist as it was just rotten luck my ex changed and was not that loyal through the hard times. You could say pick better but sometimes you do not know how people will change and there are some situations where one partner does change and leave the other partner and sadly you can't control that- as much as I wish you could! So that is what I wanted to say to OP I agree with your posts and think commitment is v important in determining the success of a relationship but ultimately it can't be one hundred per cent controlled

 

I am dating at the moment and giving men a chance- my issue is I am not feeling the spark with any!

 

It would be lovely to be married and be happy