What makes a relationship survive forever?

[Seraphim]

What I am saying is you DO have control over yourself and your choices. You can not control other people.

 

I do not think it was chance or luck at ALL that I met my husband. We met at a place where we both had an interest. Getting an education. So one thing in common already. I have listed all the other multitudes of things we have in common. I would not be interested in someone who was not interested in a lot of things I am interested in. We were close in age within a few years. We were attracted to each other. EVERYTHING just kind of attracted us together. But that was not luck. I picked him because he fit me that way.

 

Did life throw us some zingers? Oh you bet!! Did we changed over the past 25 years? Sure!! He had severe severe severe anxiety issues that were not for the faint of heart. We spent a lot of hand to mouth years. I have PTSD from all the things done to me in life. I have been dealing with that for 35 years and he has been dealing with it with me. Not easy either. We had to deal with an issue where he had an emotional type thing with a much older co worker about 12 or 13 years ago. We had to deal with infertility on my part and losing 4 babies. Our living child is learning disabled and has HFA. My husband is in the military and we were apart for the best pat of SEVEN YEARS. That is A LOT of zingers. But we have dealt with it. As I have said marriage is a lot of work and dedication. We both have had therapy for our mental health issues and are better and stronger than ever. We have attended communication seminars and can communicate effectively.

 

Did I expect all that the day we met or even a year after me met? Well, hell, no!! But life happens. I still maintain I picked the best guy for me and we have worked through life. So I took control of my life head on. And so did he WITH me. You are right though the other person has to participate. If they refuse to participate that is when you know it is time to fold the cards.

[sadsadguy]

All replies are giving me lots of food for thought

 

@optimisticgirl, you said "The foundation of our relationship was different from your normal relationship", if it is not too personal to be shared can I know how? Just curious.

 

@shes2smart, yes I believe in relationship lasting forever thing. If we add notion of 'ending' with all relationships, we might start taking them for granted because we have a mindset that relationships do end always. It ofcourse would take off pressure, but then every individual would handle that carefree attitude differently.

 

@reflective, I dont personally believe the word 'luck' in any form in life. But lets call the first time you meet your potential partner (on road, in bar, on facebook, in class etc) a luck, but after that its totally how you two move. My gf committed to me when she was 18 and I was 21, what did we know about commitment thing then. Now after 3.5 years, she is in college, meeting new people, new guys, wider friend circle.. she is changing, she changed to an extent that she broke up with me saying 'I dont love you anymore because you are not interesting'. I cant call it luck, girls who committed in very young age will surely go through exact same phase when they start to grow up mature.

 

@Victoria, although everybody here has a story of their life and how they are dealing with it. But since you described yours so well in last post, I must say this is what commitment is. We 20ish guys take commitment word so lightly without understanding what it really means and the moment we see flaw in our partner we just back off, as if we committed to be together until it rains. Your post so clearly backs my thinking that "Relationship is a journey, it grows and changes its course with time". We dont commit to a person, but to a journey with that person.

 

From all replies I can infer that communication is the key to a healthy relationship. Communicating your true, genuine feelings regularly to your partner makes life easier. people do change but if the communication channels have been opened since the beginning, both partners would always be on the same page.

The role of forgiveness is also very important in relationship, in 50-60 yrs of marriage people will make many mistakes how does a partner forgive the other and how does he/she makes sure that this forgiveness is not taken as granted?

[Ms Darcy]

I don't believe this is true, there are many couples who don't feel the need to get married, but stay together until death do them part....I don't think marriage is the only end goal and only way to commit to someone...

then you are basically saying that those couples who never marry but do stay together till the end of their lives are always in the test stage and never seriously committed, I don't believe in that...

you can also be very committed together without that piece of paper...I would like to get married to my BF yes, but it is not the only way to go...

 

I agree. I am not saying marriage is the end all be all. I do mean that even for non-married couples that stay together forever, there is some sort of "civil union" or "commitment" decision. Marriage is one way to commit. Commitment can happens in other ways.

[Ms Darcy]

yes I believe in relationship lasting forever thing. If we add notion of 'ending' with all relationships, we might start taking them for granted because we have a mindset that relationships do end always. It ofcourse would take off pressure, but then every individual would handle that carefree attitude differently.

 

If I viewed every guy that I entered into a relationship with after one or two months of knowing him as a "forever" thing, I would be in trouble. I don't know enough about them yet to anticipate staying together with them until I die.

[Reflective82]

Wow sounds like u have been through a lot Victoria!

[Batya33]

I agree with you to an extent. You equated marriage with a piece of paper in your last post. That is what I responded to -those words. Sorry if I misinterpreted what you meant by that. I don't think living together is the same commitment as marriage. I think living together with an emotional commitment that is equivalent to the commitment written in marriage vows can be. I think many people view living together as a progression towards marriage. I do not. It only is if the parties intend to live together because they want to deepen their emotional commitment and/or get married.

[Seraphim]

It is a commitment to the journey and to the person. But yes ,life is a journey and every single relationship is a journey.

[Seraphim]

Wow sounds like u have been through a lot Victoria!

 

I have lived enough in my life to be 10 lifetimes worth.

[greywolf]

I'm no relationship expert, but I think a lot of it has to do with ego. Put aside your ego, it's not just about you. A relationship is about the two of you.

[OptomisticGirl]

All replies are giving me lots of food for thought

 

@optimisticgirl, you said "The foundation of our relationship was different from your normal relationship", if it is not too personal to be shared can I know how? Just curious.

 

Nope, not too personal.

 

My husband and I met here, on ENA. I'm in the States and at the time he was in England. We've been a couple 4 years this Feb and for 3 1/2 years of those 4 we were long distance - 4,000 miles apart, 5 hour time difference.... Nothing puts a strain on a new marriage than being 4,000 miles apart and seeing each other once every year after you are married. Our foundation is very different from your average relationship (as you can see) and even being in the same house now, finally, I've noticed we still fall back on the communication methods we used when we were LD to work through problems. In a normal relationship the ideal form of working through an argument is to sit down and talk about it. For us, because we spent 3 1/2 years having to TYPE our way out of an argument, that's how we still resolve fights. Well, I say resolve but it's how we BEGIN to resolve. Eventually we do end up talking but it's easier to communicate that way because it's what we are comfortable with. It's what works for us.

[shes2smart]

@shes2smart, yes I believe in relationship lasting forever thing. If we add notion of 'ending' with all relationships, we might start taking them for granted because we have a mindset that relationships do end always. It ofcourse would take off pressure, but then every individual would handle that carefree attitude differently.

 

Only if you choose to take them for granted.

 

You can also choose to be aware that you have crossed paths with another person for a reason -- whether that reason is purchasing lunch they're preparing for you because they work at a restaurant - you get lunch, they get to earn an income - or whether the reason to learn a series of life lessons through a marriage.

 

Awareness is key - I can be rude and nasty to the restaurant worker if they mess up my order, or I can be gracious and forgiving...is that any less important than being kind to someone I am romantically involved with? In the larger picture, I think they're both important.

 

Everything ends. If you don't acknowledge that, you will never truly learn to appreciate who and what is in your life when those things and people are there. If you truly understand that your time is finite and measured, it is much more difficult to take things and people for granted because you're aware they won't always be there.

[greywolf]

 

@shes2smart, yes I believe in relationship lasting forever thing. If we add notion of 'ending' with all relationships, we might start taking them for granted because we have a mindset that relationships do end always. It ofcourse would take off pressure, but then every individual would handle that carefree attitude differently.

 

I'm not so sure about that. I think that many people take their relationships for granted because they do think it'll last forever.

[sadsadguy]

@OptimisticGirl, well let me tell you I too met my gf online in Feb 2010 though we were in same city. We used to chat/sms a lot, so much that we used to feel lot more comfortable in texting our issues to each other rather than discussing them face to face. We used to joke that even after marriage we will fight on sms in same bed.

 

@greywolf, shes2smart.. Well your posts totally makes sense to me. I unknowingly took my gf for granted, I unintentionally ignored many of her needs thinking that relationship is working good and now when she is gone I realized what I lost now I am left with guilt and hope for another chance.