Would you date someone with herpes?

[jenny_mcs]

It's perfectly fine to not want to expose yourself to herpes, regardless of the general publics level of knowledge about it. If everyone on the planet suddenly became a herpes expert that doesn't mean we should all decide to expose ourselves to it on purpose. Compassion and kindness don't require this.

 

Agreed! It's weird what people get defensive about.

 

Weeping sores on your genitals, people!!

[pl3asehelp]

Agreed! It's weird what people get defensive about.

 

Weeping sores on your genitals, people!!

 

OP is really weighing the decision of 'get laid now vs. possibly never get laid again', which is a big decision. Cloaking the situation as concern for a subjectively unfairly stigmatized group that wouldn't be stigmatized if only we all knew more about herpes is confusing the issue. Some people just don't want to risk herpes and it has nothing to do with ignorance or stigma.

[Mesemene]

When I was of reproductive age as a woman, I would not have risked it.

 

It can have serious pregnancy/childbirth complications for the child.

(link removed)

 

I'm not sure how I'd feel about it now. I'd be more inclined to consider it now than I would have - but if that would be enough to tip the scales? Not sure. It's not a position I've been in.

 

As a guy... hard to say also. I'd hate to run the risk of knowingly contracting it if I hadn't already finished having children myself since it would be possible to pass it to a future mother of my children.

 

And I know, it might mean I'd be passing up a great person otherwise. I'm just not sure, with so much potential risk, that I could see the benefit as outweighing the risk.

[Fudgie]

I couldn't imagine using condoms forever with a partner because they had herpes. I'd also always worry about getting it regardless. That's Why I wouldn't date someone with herpes.

[John John]

I couldn't imagine using condoms forever with a partner because they had herpes. I'd also always worry about getting it regardless. That's Why I wouldn't date someone with herpes.

 

Yeah, good point. Who wants to have to perpetually use protection throughout a LTR (and still run the risk of getting it)? Screw that, the well being of my junk is way too important to me lol.

[DancingFool]

I know, it's weird.

 

It's almost like doctors don't think herpes is that big of a deal either.

 

Hmm....

 

It's not that they think that it's not a big deal, it's that the tests are not very reliable unless you happen to have a weeping sore. The doctor doesn't want to deal with false negative or false positive test results which could expose him to a freaked out patient, complaints to the medical board and even a lawsuit happy one. Who wants to deal with that. You get a weeping sore, then he can handle things with certainty. Until then, he'd rather you go on your merry way.

 

For women, especially during pregnancy, herpes can have quite serious consequences. I don't know why people are always trying to make it out to be no big deal. It's a problem and there is no cure. Most people are pretty risk averse when it comes to exposing themselves to incurable diseases. You don't have to like it or agree with it, but it's the world you live in and it's the way it is.

 

To use your own example, when someone knows you have the flu, they'll avoid contact with you so they don't catch it. It all boils down to protecting personal health and well being. Some people will be more protective than others.

 

The bottom line is that if you catch herpes, your dating pool will shrink significantly and that's that. Being angry about it, feeling that it's unfair, shouldn't be that way, etc. is really not going to do anything to change that reality.

 

But seriously, before you get into this thing, why not meet her, get to know her without jumping into bed on date one and see if she is even worth all this agonizing and hubbub. You might meet and realize that there is zero chemistry anyway or she may feel that way about you.

[tiredofvampires]

That's a fairly emphatic statement. You do realize that the ONLY way to ensure this outcome is to NEVER have sex again, right?

 

Don't believe me? Read the comment above yours.

 

But what if you are dating someone for 6 months who is a great partner, then you find out he/she had herpes. Maybe they didn't even know about it and it was their first outbreak. Would you dump them?

 

There is a way to reduce the chances of dating someone who has herpes without knowing it, or who doesn't tell you the truth (like that awful and not uncommon story told by the poster whose friend caught it from his ex fiancee). GET TESTED AND GET YOUR PARTNER TESTED with RELIABLE DOCTORS (infectious disease doctors, gynecologists/urologists, dermatologists) who know what they're doing and what they're talking about when it comes to herpes.

 

You don't have to pray and find out later.

 

Herpes tests are not 100% reliable, and they have been slower to be refined, methodologically, than tests for other diseases like chlamydia and HIV. However, it's just silly for any doctor to say they're mostly useless, and it would probably indicate that that physician is not familiar with the trends in HSV serology (blood) testing.

 

False-positives (test that says you have it when you don't really) are much less common than false-negatives (test that says you don't have it when you really do). And most false-negatives occur because people take them when they are in the window period, when the body is still not yet making enough antibodies. It takes up to 3 months for antibodies to be formed, and most people who have sex and freak out will get tested before that, so that would lead to a false negative. For most people who test in an appropriate time-frame, false-positive and false-negatives are certainly nowhere near worth dumping the test for. They provide useful information you wouldn't have otherwise. And accuracy has increased with technological advances.

 

So people shouldn't be arguing for using the Russian Roulette method of having sex when they can get a fairly reasonable read of their HSV status, and their partners'. Of course, socially, if you're having casual sex, this process becomes almost impossible, but it's not for lack of tools.

 

The questions, "should I just go out and live life and take my chances because life's short and sex is part of life/should I dump someone I love who turns out to have herpes?" are the wrong questions. Because those assume there's no way of determining anything beforehand.

 

If you WANT to play roulette, it's not for lack of other ways to be sexually active and responsible for your health and others' health, minimizing the "chance" factor. The poster's friend who got herpes from his fiancee may have not gotten it if he and she were both tested before they became sexually active, or at least they would know about taking heightened precautions. Or he could have decided not to date the person to start with, before there was anything emotionally invested.

 

On another note, Valtrex is a medication, and as such, it has side effects. Not everyone can tolerate it, so it's not a given that anyone who has herpes can manage it with antiviral medications. Also, it is used with great caution in pregnancy and passes into mother's milk -- something to keep in mind if one of you has herpes and you plan on getting pregnant, as a couple (so, if the mother has or catches herpes).

 

As I've said a couple of times before on this thread, knowing your herpes status and your sexual behavior is not just about your own decision and your own health. OP, it's not just about you being fairly okay with getting herpes symptoms. It's about your future partners and your becoming a vehicle for spreading the condition. Once you have an STD that can't be cured, you have a responsibility to your partners and the population, even if you don't mind outbreaks or don't have them yourself.

 

I asked you more rhetorically before, but I am kind of interested in where you stand on this: if you were to contract herpes, even if you were in good health and didn't present symptoms, would you routinely disclose that to new partners before becoming sexually intimate?

 

It seems like this thread is not so much seeking advice, but mostly a platform for you, OP, to propose that people who are fearful of herpes are being melodramatic and contributing to an irrational social phobia.

 

I think your intentions are good, and certainly if I had herpes I'd appreciate meeting a guy like you (probably one reason she's so eager to connect with you, and possibly why she'd look to dating an older man -- the younger men may be rejecting her more.) But if it's education and knowledge you want to disseminate, it'd be good to know that starting with your own doctor telling you to forego the test, you're getting one non-expert opinion. If you want to do the population of ENA and anywhere else a service of education around STDs, it would be wise to:

 

-- advise minimizing sexual partners (practicing safe/barrier sex is important, but keeping partner counts low is a major safe-sex point among sex educators)

-- advise getting serious before having sex

-- advise getting mutually tested with the best/latest methods, sharing the results (it's a form of intimacy to do so)

-- advise having sex when not altered by alcohol or drugs

 

It's better to teach ways of prevention, on the front end, than to have to deal with talking about how to deal with the dilemma of dating with an incurable infection. It's important for people to know how to go into dating/sex knowing what they're getting into (tests). In the event you've met someone with herpes and want to date them (and you don't have herpes), it certainly warrants a realistic discussion of actual risks vs. mythological risks, and implicitly, compassionate views are important. But minimizing what herpes is and the problems it presents is not much of a service.

 

Below is one link to a paper (academic) on HSV testing methods, with a couple of excerpts I've cut and pasted below, with important information bolded. So you can see the reliability of the methods that were used (mostly a version of ELISA testing.) A doctor with a specialty in testing for herpes/infections/STDs, as I mentioned above, should know about these, so it's worth talking about these, asking about the Western Blot accuracy (a different testing method). You can always bring this article in if your doctor is telling you not to even bother testing for herpes.

 

**********************

 

Performance of commercial glycoprotein G–based tests. The Focus ELISA tests have been tested against Western blot in unselected sera with 100% sensitivity and specificities of 98% (HSV-1) and 96% (HSV-2) [23]. We tested the Focus ELISAs against Western blot in sera from 252 clients from the Seattle King County Sexually Transmitted Disease (STD) Clinic. This group had an HSV-1 seroprevalence of 57% and HSV-2 seroprevalence of 33% by Western blot. Sensitivity and specificity of HerpeSelect-1 ELISA were each 89% in this group. Sensitivity and specificity of HerpeSelect-2 ELISA were 96% and 97%, respectively (R.A., unpublished observations). A group of sera from 241 prenatal patients (HSV-1 prevalence 73%; HSV-2 prevalence 24%) was also tested. Sensitivity and specificity of HerpeSelect-1 ELISA were 96% and 95%. Sensitivity and specificity of HerpeSelect-2 ELISA were 100% and 96%, respectively. Preliminary data suggest that HSV-1 and HSV-2 antibodies can be detected a median of 2–3 weeks after the onset of first episodes of genital herpes (R.A., unpublished observations).

 

The Focus immunoblot also was tested in STD and prenatal populations and had sensitivity and specificity of 99%–100% and 93%–96%, respectively, for HSV-1 and sensitivity and specificity of 97%–100% and 94%–98%, respectively, for HSV-2. All 3 Focus tests performed well in comparison tests performed at the Central Public Health Laboratory (CPHL) in London using their monoclonal antibody blocking assay as a “gold standard” [24].

 

In summary, the commercial availability of type-specific antibody tests for HSV-1 and HSV-2 will increase the diagnosis of this infection. The difficulty of ascertaining that the appropriate test is performed is considerable, because neither physicians nor patients have been taught to request brand-name tests. However, only glycoprotein G–based tests have acceptable accuracy, although other tests remain on the market. Several populations appear to be appropriate for serological testing for HSV, including pregnant women, STD clinic patients, and persons with HIV infection. The barriers to serological testing for HSV include fiscal constraints in some settings and, at least as important, reluctance on the part of clinicians to offer the test that patients are increasingly likely to request.

 

link removed

[NorthDallas40]

you seem a little defensive with some answers, when you've pretty much decided you're GOiNG to date her, regardless of the answers.

 

It wasn't my intention to be defensive. To be honest, I was thinking more of my friends with herpes, and how they would feel about some of the harsher responses given at the beginning of this thread. With that in mind, I felt a more balanced view was in order.

 

And when I wrote the original post, I didn't know if she would accept a date or not. But now that I've gotten her number, it seems likely... and yes, I'm happy about that!

 

I think that you took me out of context....I didn't say my friend was a manwhore. He was a victim. I feel bad for him.

 

I didn't mean to imply that *you* said he was promiscuous. But again, judging by the tone of several of the comments by other posters on this thread, it seems pretty damn clear what *they* would think about him... and as I stated, that's unfair.

 

If the OP gets it, like my friend did, he'll probably regret it. Calm down. Oh, you are the OP...fine, go get herpes. I don't care. I was just trying to answer the original post with an honest answer. Sorry for saying things you don't like. Please disregard me.

 

I'm not disregarding your (or anyone's) comments on this board, just trying to offer a more balanced view on the topic that isn't so damning of people like your friend who have contracted the virus. If that's not a calm approach, my apologies.

 

Hummm, seems like the 90% statistis is a little off since NOBODY on this post since to have any form of the HSV virus. Or, a lot of us probably carry the I type and simply don't know about it because we haven't had an outburst

 

Well I don't think you can look at who's admitting to having herpes on ENA and extrapolate that to mean that scientific statistics are wrong. Some don't know they have it, some won't admit to having it, and there's a LOT of lurkers on ENA that never post at all.

 

As I keep pointing out - and many posters continue to prove - there is a great social stigma & shame to having herpes. And not only is that shaming unnecessary IMO, but it doesn't exactly encourage people to a) have an honest conversation with their partners before having sex, b) find out if they have herpes themselves, and most importantly c) admit to having the virus if they do.

 

And that's what I'm trying to fight in my own small way with this thread. Less shame = more awareness. On all sides.

 

I'm just encouraging people to think more sensitively about what they write when they respond to my original query, if only for the sake of herpes-infected ENA'ers who are already ashamed enough about having the virus without reading more posts about how undesirable they are.

 

But what if you are dating someone for 6 months who is a great partner, then you find out he/she had herpes. Maybe they didn't even know about it and it was their first outbreak. Would you dump them?

 

That's an even better question than my original post, IMO. I think a lot of posters who are so emphatic now might very well have a change of heart if they found themselves in that situation.

 

If everyone on the planet suddenly became a herpes expert that doesn't mean we should all decide to expose ourselves to it on purpose. Compassion and kindness don't require this.

 

I never said nor implied "EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE SEX WITH A HERPES-INFECTED PERSON TODAY!"

 

But if YOU unknowingly contracted herpes, what kind of reaction would you appreciate from your friends upon hearing the news? Mine or yours?

 

OP is really weighing the decision of 'get laid now vs. possibly never get laid again', which is a big decision.

 

I have friends with herpes who still get laid.

I had protected sex with someone who had herpes 6 years ago, knowing the risk.

They're still getting laid too.

I'm considering having sex with another person who's had herpes for 9 years and I'm sure they've gotten laid since then.

There's even dating sites for those infected with herpes.

 

So clearly having herpes does not mean the end of someone's sex life. That's another myth I'm trying to balance here.

 

Cloaking the situation as concern for a subjectively unfairly stigmatized group that wouldn't be stigmatized if only we all knew more about herpes is confusing the issue.

 

I don't think it's confusing the issue at all. It is part of the issue. And a more interesting discussion than my particular dating quandary!

[NorthDallas40]

There is a way to reduce the chances of dating someone who has herpes without knowing it... GET TESTED AND GET YOUR PARTNER TESTED with RELIABLE DOCTORS

 

I wholeheartedly applaud and thank you for that entire post. Everyone would do well to read all of it.

 

And I would do well to get a new doctor!

 

 

I asked you more rhetorically before, but I am kind of interested in where you stand on this: if you were to contract herpes, even if you were in good health and didn't present symptoms, would you routinely tell new partners becoming sexually intimate?

 

Of course I would.

[pl3asehelp]

Dating site for herpes only. For me personally, that would suck - I'd rather leave my choices open. If you get herpes, you may have sex again, but your pool is now tiny - another limitation I wouldn't knowingly sign up for. Do what you want, but I think it's naive to think there's some unfair stigma against herpes due to ignorance - is it really hard to grasp not everyone finds weeping sore on their genitals and a severely constricted dating pool a risk worth taking?

 

If I unknowingly got herpes, I could care less how people react because that wouldn't change a thing. I'd either blame myself for not asking or be livid I was lied to.

[tiredofvampires]

To use your own example, when someone knows you have the flu, they'll avoid contact with you so they don't catch it. It all boils down to protecting personal health and well being. Some people will be more protective than others.

 

And there's no way comparing the flu with herpes is good reasoning. If a type of flu was guaranteed to be incurable if you infected someone else with it, generating infectious outbreaks throughout one's life and potentially serious complications, that flu would cause quite a bit of fear and require robust public health campaigns.

[JA0371]

Bottom line.....if I KNEW someone had herpes...or that they'd knowingly had sex with someone who had herpes, then there would be ZERO chance I would ever have sex with them. Doesn't matter how educated I am about it.

[Fudgie]

Agreed. It has nothing to with ignorance. I know how it's spread. I know about break outs. I know about the medications.

 

I am just interested in being with someone else whose condition would force us to use condoms for life. I f'ing hate condoms. Yes to the point that I'd rather abstain from sex than have it with a condom.

 

And yeah, I hardly think it's melodramatic not to want to risk getting a stigmatized incurable disease just to be with one person when there are so many fish in the sea.

[annie24]

ND - Let us know how the date goes! Assuming you guys line up a date.

 

Personally, I wonder about people who say they wouldn't date or have sex with someone with herpes (actually, they probably already have) with 25% of the population having it, and 90% if you count HSV-1. But then people go out and buy powerball tickets - the odds of winning are 1 in 177,000,000. It's like people fell asleep the day statistics was taught in high school.

[JA0371]

ND - Let us know how the date goes! Assuming you guys line up a date.

 

Personally, I wonder about people who say they wouldn't date or have sex with someone with herpes (actually, they probably already have) with 25% of the population having it, and 90% if you count HSV-1. But then people go out and buy powerball tickets - the odds of winning are 1 in 177,000,000. It's like people fell asleep the day statistics was taught in high school.

 

I see what you're saying, but to be honest it kinda takes the sexual thrill out of someone saying 'I have herpes'...lets get naked'. Because once it's in my head, I can't UN know that fact. I've had cold sores breakouts. Rare, but have had them. I do think there is a different stigma about a 'cold sore' and genital warts.

[annie24]

Well, I don't want herpes either, and given the choice between two equally comparable guys, I would pick the one without herpes. And of course, people can put together whatever standards they want when it comes to date - don't want someone with herpes, don't want someone under 5'10", don't want someone over 150 lbs, whatever. Their life, their choices, right?

 

But there are all sorts of unfair stigmas out there. A common virus shouldn't make people feel stigmatized, but I suppose that's what society likes to do. Someone is weird if they lose their virginity "too young", or if they are a "too old virgin", or if they have had "too many" partners, or whatever.

[Fudgie]

I do not get cold sores but would date someone with who has has them. Yes that's herpes too but to my understanding, that strain isn't as awful when you do have a break out, and break outs are rarer, also you can see it on someone's face so you can say "Okay let's not kiss until that goes away". It's harder with herpes on your genitals.

[Angler]

That's a fairly emphatic statement.

 

I feel strongly about being free from disease.

 

You do realize that the ONLY way to ensure this outcome is to NEVER have sex again, right?

 

There are two distinct possibilities based on this assertion:

 

1. You are patronizing me.

2. You live in a city with rampant herpes.

[annie24]

Lol, what makes you think Canada is herpes free???

[Angler]

Lol, what makes you think Canada is herpes free???

 

I don't pretend it is, but it's pretty absurd to suggest that abstinence is the only way to live herpes-free.

[annie24]

I don't pretend it is, but it's pretty absurd to suggest that abstinence is the only way to live herpes-free.

 

It's the only way to ensure a herpes-free existence. Much like the only 100% fool proof way of not getting pregnant is not having sex.

[Fudgie]

If you ALWAYS, ALWAYS use condoms during sex and be sure to screen your partners for disease (ie, don't take them at their word, make them get tested prior to sex AND demand to see the results, again, not taking them at your word), there is still, theoretically, a tiny, tiny chance that you will get herpes. But it's statistically improbable. Same thing with someone using 3 BC methods (pill, condom, and iud) all at once and STILL getting pregnant. I've known of one woman claiming that it happened to her and I was THIS CLOSE to bursting into laughter and telling her that she was a liar. It's that improbable so that you don't have to worry about it.

[waffle]

Personally, I wonder about people who say they wouldn't date or have sex with someone with herpes (actually, they probably already have) with 25% of the population having it, and 90% if you count HSV-1. But then people go out and buy powerball tickets - the odds of winning are 1 in 177,000,000. It's like people fell asleep the day statistics was taught in high school.

Yup.

 

I would have no problem dating someone who was honest enough to say, "look, here's the deal." In fact, I slept with someone repeatedly in my late teens who had herpes, we didn't use condoms. To be fair, he didn't actually tell me, but he did tell me that his ex-girlfriend had herpes and there was twice when we were together where he declined sex . . . I put two and two together. Many years later when I was married (to someone else) and pregnant with my first child, I told my doctor I had been exposed to genital herpes so a test was ordered and it came back negative.

 

Incidentally, I don't know if it's this way all over but in my immediate area, health departments (the only place where you can have STD/STI testing since doctor's office decline to do it) will not test for herpes unless you show symptoms. Even then, the test is something like $300 and generally not covered by insurance.

 

My general opinion: this is much ado about nothing. These days I can deal with herpes. It's @$$holery that's my personal dealbreaker.

[annie24]

If you ALWAYS, ALWAYS use condoms during sex and be sure to screen your partners for disease (ie, don't take them at their word, make them get tested prior to sex AND demand to see the results, again, not taking them at your word), there is still, theoretically, a tiny, tiny chance that you will get herpes. But it's statistically improbable. Same thing with someone using 3 BC methods (pill, condom, and iud) all at once and STILL getting pregnant. I've known of one woman claiming that it happened to her and I was THIS CLOSE to bursting into laughter and telling her that she was a liar. It's that improbable so that you don't have to worry about it.

 

But HSV isn't one of the regularly done STD tests, and as you see, not all doctors will do it. Plus, there is a lag between contracting the virus, and having it detectable in a test. And unless you have a camera on your SO at all times, you can't say for certain that they aren't cheating.

 

I'm not saying go and be reckless and do whatever. Of course you should take reasonable precautions. But you can't ever prevent herpes 100%. You can't really prevent anything from happening 100%.

 

How many people do you know on 3 methods of birth control?? Is that something that people do???

[justagirl2]

Annie - I agree with people here missing stats class in high school. What part of 1 in every 4 people and 9 in every 10 people carrying HSV I or II don't you guys understand? If you add those statistics, 25% + 90% it's MORE than 90% of adults carrying some form of the HSV virus.

 

I might be very lenient, specially because I don't have any STDS and got tested just 2 months ago, but HIV would probably be the only real deal breaker for me. What other STDS are as serious as HIV?

 

I would definitively NOT date someone with HIV. Annie, what rare the stats for HIV in the US? I thinks it's a little over 1 million out of a population of about 320 million. That is 0.3% of the American population. If you are not from any of the risk groups, that would be close to 0.1%.

 

THAT is a realistic statistics that can be avoided. But 90% of the population? Good luck guys.