He slept on the couch after a nice camping trip together. Does he not love me?

[kimba3]

I met a guy from an online dating site a little over a year ago come this autumn (here in Canada). I was too scared to meet him for about 6 months because all my previous relationships were so heartbreaking and painful that I had taken a 3 year break from the whole dating experience. Eventually I ended up meeting this new guy (via drinking a beer before going out to meet him) and at first we clicked. He was very passionate about me and we went on trips together like going to other cities and camping (a lot of stuff I never did with anyone before) and it was very magical.

 

Then about 2 months ago we started arguing about all these little things all the time. At first it was not too bad and we always talked of ways of making things better. But then after a while the arguing esculated to a point where he consistantly calls me names like the b word and so on and so forth (things he'd never said in the past). A lot of times I cry and tell him to stop, and I just don't want to argue but he will keep going. I feel like he puts me down a lot now. I admit I say some nasty things back out of defense but then I just break and start crying because I don't want to fight at all. I just want things to be happy. I think he does too, but today I thought everything was better.

 

We cleaned the apartment together and went out together for coffee. We played with our kitten together and laughed and it was a very nice day overall. But then I woke up in the middle of the night and he was sleeping on the couch and I asked him why. He came up with 5 different reasons but none of them really made any sense, like how the bed we have is too small. I asked him if he was always going to sleep on the couch now since the bed was suddenly too small and he said no. I felt hurt because of this and I think it means he probably doesn't love me anymore

 

Another thing that happened is a week ago I was crying all night because of my mom who is sick with heart disease, and all he wanted to do was have sex and I didn't want to and found it offensive and uncalled for since I was seriously grieving. He just kept asking over and over again. Another time I asked if we could pull over the car just so I could change my shirt since the one I was wearing was covered in dirt and was too hot (plus I wasn't wearing my bra so I felt weird) and he told me he couldn't for the 3 hour trip and called me a spoiled brat (even though he had pulled over for him 3 times for him to use the washroom) and again....I cried. Normally I cry when I feel hurt and I don't even want to argue. Alot of the times I feel the things he says are out of line and uncalled for and only meant to hurt me.

 

What should I do?

 

Also, his parents think he might have aspergers but it's undiagnosed and I really don't think that's what's causing this. I think he doesn't love me even though he says he does. I'm scared because I do love him but I'm not happy. Alot of the times I feel like leaving but I will miss the happy times we had so much...but if it keeps going this way I feel like I'd be miserable. I really do want to fix this though

[sidehop]

Do you really want to stay with someone that's not going to make you happy in a long run? There will always be happy memories to cherish but to me it sounds like he's really selfish and won't change his way any time soon. Perhaps his true self is coming out?

 

You have to be very realistic. If he continues the way he is and you hoping for some change it will only get harder for you to leave him. I'm not saying you should leave him now but at the same time it doesn't sound like you're very happy either. And the relationship is so new is what really bothers me.

[Edmund Exley]

Calls you names. That's all there should be to making a decision.

 

If he has aspergers that's his issue to deal with, not something you need to tolerate.

[sportsguy9981]

If you see red flags why are you ignoring them, isn't that what got you heartbroken before? I know if I see any red flags at all Im done with my next relationship.. Ive been single for awhile now after one where she slept with 2 different guys and met up with other guys all behind my back... something I never want to experience again.

[Ms Darcy]

The relationship is fundamentally broken. I would dump him. It will only get worse.

[kimba3]

I guess in a way I don't want to be a quitter. I feel like every relationship will have it's bumps and nothing will ever be perfect. I really do like this guy a lot. The reason why I came on this website was for advice on how to fix something like this, not just dump him like it all meant nothing. If I quit now, then what does that say for anyone else I date? I can get over the calling me names, and how he's sleeping on the couch. I just don't know how to fix it

[kimba3]

Like for example, married people quarrel all the time, but at the end of the day they make up for it and fix things. I just really wanted to fix it, and not just give up because it's rocky. I'm not happy, true, I cry a lot...true, but isn't there something I can do? Maybe I'm just not good at dating.

[ForeverFree81]

I dont think the issues lie with you, therefore, you cant really fix them. I am in a similar situation and I know truly, how hard it is. But the thing is, it doesnt matter how much you cry and beg, if he doesnt want to change, he wont. My boyfriend recently spent the last night I seen him on the couch, rather than in bed with me, and wow, did that hurt. I have never felt so disgusting and unwanted in all my life. I havent heard from him in almost a fortnight, and I dont expect to really. He needed space to sort himself out, and I gave it to him, unwillingly at first, I'll admit. But what I hadnt counted on, was how I would use the time, and I have done some soul searching too, and the people that comment here, they are right. It shouldnt be so hard in the early stages. I love him with all my heart, or I thought I did. Turns out I love myself more, and I know what I want from life and its becoming increasingly evident I am not going to ever get it from him, so I am seriously considering ending it. You guys should be travelling and laughing and getting to know each other, not calling each other names and fighting. Sure, nothing is perfect and couples fight, but he shouldnt make you cry, and it doesnt matter how you say it, its still really wrong. Calling things off doesnt make you a failure, or make you suck at dating. It simply means you guys werent right for each other. There is no shame seeking better for yourself. And his undiagnosed Asbergers isnt your problem to deal with. I feel like I have made a mess of this, but there is no shame in ending things that arent making you happy, his issues arent yours to deal with, you dont fail at dating, its just the nature of things. I hope this makes sense and hasnt confused or upset you further!

[ParisPaulette]

I think you are unhappy, because you're with someone who is verbally and emotionally abusive. And yes, lacks empathy too--the whole demanding sex while you're cyring over your mom thing was a red flag on his part that shows a serious lack of empathy. Also I'd be thinking, "Does my crying and being upset turn you on???" That is so not good.

 

Bottom line if you find yourself crying and putting up with name calling and fighting all the time then why are you even in this relationship? You did the smart thing once and removed yourself from the battle field of bad relationships so to speak, but the problem appears to be that you did nothing to work on your own self-esteem and learning to spot red flags early on and just ending things with a potential relationship before you get seriously involved with someone whose not right for you. I vote that you end it all again, go NC and heal and this time perhaps seek some form of counseling or at least self-help books, introspection or anythng that will help you a) learn to spot real red flags early on in dating someone and b) have the confidence and self-esteem to demand you be treated right and show anyone to the door who name calls, picks fights or engages in other abusive behaviors. And his undiagnosed anything is still no excuse for how he treats you since frankly what you're seeing is just an abusive personality and they love to trot out all manner of excuses for why they misbehave.

[Edmund Exley]

Please do not think you need to accept someone's bad behavior or else be a "quitter".

 

Better to be a quitter than to be a fool. Or an abused and broken person.

[HeartGoesOn]

If I quit now, then what does that say for anyone else I date? I can get over the calling me names, and how he's sleeping on the couch. I just don't know how to fix it

 

It says you have enough self-respect to not tolerate anyone who chooses to call you names, demonstrates a lack of empathy towards your feelings, etc. We teach people how to treat us, and when someone treats you poorly, it’s not going to get any better because you claim to love them.

 

Instead of making excuses for his behaviour, you're better off realizing that it's not your job to fix him, yet it is your job to accept this is who he is, and what you see is what you get.

[Ms Darcy]

Verbal abuse is a dealbreaker plain and simple. I put up with that once and eventually got out. I healed and am in a great relationship.

 

Abuse is a dealbreaker plain and simple.

[browneyedgirl36]

Indeed, all relationships -- or nearly all of them -- hit bumps along the way. Verbal and emotional abuse, however, are not "bumps" -- they are dealbreakers. He's definitely abusive, and you're crying an awful lot. It shouldn't be this way.

 

Please don't use the excuse that you don't want to be a "quitter" as a reason to stay in this relationship. There is no shame in "quitting" on any relationship -- whether it be with a boyfriend/girlfriend, friend, a co-worker or boss, or even a family member -- if that relationship is toxic and unhealthy. You've tried. It isn't working. He's abusive, and it's not going to get better -- it will only get worse.

 

Are you afraid of being alone? Do you really think you deserve this treatment? Why not be on your own for awhile until you can find someone who treats you better?

[jarroz]

I really think you need to cut your losses with this relationship and move on. You really haven't been with this guy for very long at all and he's already being verbally abusive and making you cry all the time. If his parents are mentioning Asperger's, I think they would know him a little bit better than you. And obviously he's not keeping it in check, and that's not your problem.

[ParisPaulette]

There's a huge difference between a quarrel and being called names--massive difference actually. My SO and I quarrel sometimes, we've even raised our voices during a trip in which we got lost--but not once have either of us ever, ever called the other one a name. Nor would we. And you need to do something about knowing what the difference is between quitting a good thing and ending a toxic relationship. You're a quitter if the first time he fails to hold the door open for you, you pitch a fit and end things. And do that to everyone in your life, breaking up over petty ridiculous things like they didn't magically guess that you wanted an exact replica of the necklace from Titanic although you never asked for it. That's being a quitter. On the other hand you're ending a toxic relationship if you turn around and walk away after he calls you an (expletive) or does any of the other dealbreakers like lying or cheating or stealing. You know, the things that people who love you aren't supposed to do to you and that you don't and wouldn't do to them. And that's not being a quitter, that's being sane and recognizing that you don't have to drink the poison that's killing you so to speak.

 

Bluntly put--no one and definitely not life itself--is going to hand you any prizes for refusing to quit a relationship that makes you cry all the time. You won't be magically rewarded and your SO is not suddenly going to turn into a great guy who never calls you names again without you lifting one little finger. You want to change him and fix him? Great, then tell him if he calls you a name one more time you are done. And then when he does it, as he inevitably will, you turn around and walk out that door and tell him to go get some therapy for all that anger and verbal abuse he's got floating around, because Asperger's or not he's still the one in control of his own actions and if he and his famly think that's the problem then they are doubly guilty for not having already addressed it.

 

You may also want to take a look at this article to get an idea of what toxic is versus other things. link removed

[Lonewing]

The right man treats you so well you WANT to have sex with him, even when you're down, without him even asking, because you want to do it with him...If I'm putting that the right way... Why would you want to do it even in such times? Because he makes you feel THAT GOOD when you're down, by earning it through what he does for you day to day and moment to moment, because he intimately cares about you.

 

This man does not do these things.

 

In other words, the single most important thing he can do for you, consideration, he hasn't been doing it. He demands, he doesn't give. You ask, he says no. You say no, he says pouts. He toys with you...and calls you names no man should ever call his woman. Not ever.

 

There is no mental disorder that excuses this!

 

There were happy times here, and you'll have happier times again. But...I don't think it will be with him, he's gone in a terrible direction...

 

Your only fear is that you won't have this again - and you're right, you won't have this again With This Boy. When a relationship has run its course, you have to know when to say goodbye.

[Snny]

Also, his parents think he might have aspergers but it's undiagnosed and I really don't think that's what's causing this. I think he doesn't love me even though he says he does. I'm scared because I do love him but I'm not happy. Alot of the times I feel like leaving but I will miss the happy times we had so much...but if it keeps going this way I feel like I'd be miserable. I really do want to fix this though

 

I'm gonna tell you this as a person who has taught students with autism, is currently studying for a masters in special ed, am taking a full semester on learning and approaching individuals with ASD, an am interning in a Life Skills classroom with students who have ASD/AS and are in their late teens to early 20s...

 

The name calling has little do with it unless he is severely autistic. He could have Tourette's or some sort of other learning disability for all we know! So I would not label him of having autism until he seeks a professional doctor; especially when we live in a society that tends to over-diagnose. Those who have severe autism do not have full control of their motor skills, are unable to hold a conversation with you, most are nonverbal, or have uncontrollable tempers. Even individuals with Aspergers rarely call another person a B. I dated a guy with Aspergers and he NEVER used foul language at me- he was flaky for the most part, but didn't use name calling or wasn't as inconsiderate as what you described. If his parents suspect that he has autism, then why the hell did they wait until he's adult? They would definitely know he has it at age 5.

 

It still doesn't excuse the fact that you are unhappy with how he treats you. If he does have a disability, there is nothing you can do to "fix" him. This is a matter of he's being who he is. Disability or not, this is a dealbreaker. Don't play psychologist here and get out.

[ParisPaulette]

Snny nailed it. Perfect advice and information.

[metrogirl]

No one should tolerate name calling. First you tolerate that then it escalates to something else that you will just tolerate, so on and so forth.

 

Why do you think people truly run over others, because they are allowed to.

[kimba3]

Thanks for all the advice, it really speaks to me. We don't really get along anymore and I do cry a lot. It shouldn't be that way, bottom line. I just wish there was some magical way to fix it. Some days I put all my effort into staying confident, no matter what happens. I will clean, do favours, be extra nice, be happy, spend my time doing proactive things, and at the end of the day I still get the name calling from him. I will even go into a different room when I start to notice he will start. So I close the door, turn off the light, lay on the bed and pretend to sleep, then he comes in and literally sits there saying all this stuff, and I won't say anything. I just cry. It's hard sometimes. I'm afraid to ask him anything, or do anything around him because he usually has a really negative view on everything I do. If I use the internet I get in trouble, if I sleep in 30 mins late I get in trouble, if I go out for a bike ride, I get in trouble....even if I eat too slow I get in trouble. He eats super fast and I can't, and he will yell at me to do chores while I only ate for 2 mins. It's all these crazy little things. I can go on and on...but I don't know if I should.

 

Yesterday I asked him if he wanted to go out and get some food, and he yelled at me and told me he wanted to break up because it "always has to be my way" and I wasn't even trying to fight or anything at all He has a really quick fuse now. Today I didn't talk to him at all for fear of this happening again. I decided to go out for a bike ride and he yelled at me for it...I'm not even sure why. I know what will probably happen. It will probably end.

 

I agree that name calling should be a deal breaker. It's not like it ever gets any better. It just gets worse. He always says things like "you little baby" and "you really need to learn your lesson" and "go to your room" which I thought was really weird. I'm almost 30 and I never ask anything from him (which he admitted to me several times while he was crying - "you never ask anything from me and I shouldn't say that") I normally try and keep my distance now if anything I'm afraid to say anything to him at all. It's not fun anymore...or happy.. It's just stressful and depression. He always had a lot of anger to begin with though. Early on I noticed his extreme road rage and anger towards other human beings almost on a daily basis. It will be nice and sunny out and beautiful and he will start telling me about at least 20 different things he hates about people ...then eventually he picks on me, like a punching bag.

[Lonewing]

Girl, you know what? Breaking up would be the sweetest thing he could ever do for you.

 

But why wait?!

 

Seriously, pack your bags and leave. Don't wait, just go. It took my mom nearly 20 years to make the same decision, and it's hard, but really, you don't want this man in your life. You don't.

[metrogirl]

Horrible.......

[HeatherB]

You were crying and telling him to stop but he wouldn't. Your tears didn't move him. That's a huge problem. And not just for him. It's a problem for you. You were in that awful position, yet you are doing nothing now to prevent it from happening again.

 

I don't want to try to bully you into leaving him. That would be abusive too. I just want to say that you were not put here on Earth to be treated shabbily. You're worth a lot. I know it and everyone else on this forum knows it. I hope you follow your happiness and stay true to the part of yourself that knows how valuable you really are.

[Silverbirch]

He needs therapy and you need to leave him.

[uniqueme]

He seems like a complete jerk! Such a selfish guy! Please leave him immediately...you deserve way better!