Discovered my daughter is doing porn.

[meoww]

Furthermore I think it would be more productive for the OP to let go of labels such as 'strong willed' 'selfish' or whatever else in dealing with her daughter. Rather than looking at those labels, I think it is easier to dismantle a problem by dealing with the specifics.

 

So cut off the daughter financially, sure, maybe that would be a good idea. But would I encourage the OP not to be like, "oh I'm cutting her off because she doesn't appreciate all that I've done for her and she's an adult who can deal with her own problems." I think there is a big different in dealing with a situation that has gotten this bad from a more logistical perspective first rather than making accusations on either part.

[chitown9]

I am sorry that you are going through this. Unfortunately, substance abuse in the form of alcohol and/or drugs go with the territory in the sex sales business. I know that does not make you feel any better to have to contend with that knowledge, but I am just saying it so that you can consider it when dealing with her. It is something you can take into consideration when she behaves strangely to you. I think that this is something that you need to take one day at a time. I wish you the best with your daughter. :star: chi

[lavenderdove]

>>"Strong-willed"? That is the most subjective and situation dependent assessment ever, and usually a more socially acceptable way of calling someone selfish.

 

Strong-willed is just that and what i meant.. she has an opinion and even though a reasonable person would understand what a bad idea her 'career' choice to work in the flesh trade is, in spite of all evidence to the contrary, she wants to do it so she does. Pure definition of strong-willed. So i'm not sure why you are offended by that word or post... she very clearly is ignoring input from other people and going on her merry way, which is usually an end in destruction and drug abuse and a higher probability of AIDS in that industry.

 

And selfish is as selfish does... she wants/expects money from her mother even though she's an adult, and then laughs at her and blows her off. Another textbook definition of both strong-willed and selfish.

 

Anyway, I'm glad the OP is getting some counseling to deal with this because it is indeed extremely traumatic to have a child go into the flesh industry in any facet of that because all mothers want their children to be safe and out of harm's way, and that is an incredibly destructive profession in so many ways, destroys people's lives, health, families, etc.

[pl3asehelp]

Doesn't really matter what happened in the past. She's an adult now and has to make her own choices so she can learn the lesson that everything has consequences and the value of hard work. Don't give her a free place to stay or any money.

[Shae Gardner]

Wow, this has all been such an interesting read. My daughter has started doing porn and is 18, now in LA. I needed to read this, and will continue to read all comments. Everything so far sounds so similar.

My question is, since this thread was several years ago, how is your daughter doing now? This is a very difficult time for me, but I am trying to be available for her if needed, but she is definitely on the high of easy, fast money and the attention. I too worry for her safety, impact on her future, and the complete absorption of her into the industry.

[Seraphim]

The Op hasn't been back in two years .

[Shae Gardner]

Lavenderdove, I appreciated reading your post. My daughter has started doing porn. She is 18 and living in LA now. It's hard, but reading this, and all the other comments even from an industry girl has been revealing in how an 18 year old is thinking. I just hope she stays safe through this period of her life.

[ThatwasThen]

*snipped* just saw this:

 

The Op hasn't been back in two years .

[peabdysmermaid]

Shae, I'd be happy to p/m you as I've given up on this board long ago. Despite some great constructive criticism as well as support, it had become sort of a Facebook style mishmash of knee-jerk commenting. Rather than constructive feedback, people weigh in with opinions without first putting in the time to read the full story. That's ok on Facebook, not in a place like I thought this was. Anyway, if you enable private messages I'd be happy to tell you about new developments there. BTW, if it's technically feasible I will delete this thread in about a week. Painful to see what I opened myself up to.

[Seraphim]

Shae can not enable PM's as they don't have enough posts .

 

You also can not delete your own threads. You have to ask a moderator if it meets the deletion policy.

[Shae Gardner]

Find me on Facebook and we can private message. It's a fake name and page to try to have my daughter "Friend" me just so I know she's doing okay. Scary times the first go around from Feb to May. She was back home where we were hopeful she'd hold to her own words that she told her agent she wasn't returning to Florida. By June 16th she went back supposedly just for the summer, but they are roping her in. She's so naive and thinks she knows the world. 18, pretty, being glamorized, being told she's a great actress, being paid $1,800 for one day photo shoots, but now has (we've been told in confidence) that she's crossed over to films. I am not convinced she really knows the ramifications and the girls she takes snapshots with for Facebook posts look barely 18 as well.

[qwaspolk82]

Hi, My 24 yo daughter is in porn. I found her pseudonym online last night. She has posted hundreds of EXPLICIT shots of herself in the "act". I also found her pseudonym's twitter account where she posts daily about her "shoots" and how excited she is. According to her first post, she's been doing this for 2 years. Over those 2 years my husband and I have tried to give her a part time job with us which she flaked on constantly. Working with us she had learned advanced excel and office skills that I hoped she could apply to other more lucrative work. In the meantime I paid her rent and supplemented her food. I had tried to get her interested in nursing school again [she flaked out twice before] but she flaked out a 3rd time stealing my tuition money in the process. She's smart, scores well on tests and is extremely personable. All this and she claimed she couldn't find other work blaming the economy. Yet her cousins - between the ages of 19 and 25 also can not find jobs "in their field" but they are all employed delivering pizza, waiting tables and even dressing up in squirrel costume at an amusement park.

 

She became angry with me for not giving her more money and for not visiting her after she moved out of town 3 months prior "for a job" unleashing a barrage on me when I asked why her job wasn't paying her bills. I told her to give me a break - at the time she chose to take off, I'd recently 'adopted' my adult disabled brother, relocated him and at the same time became trustee in my recently deceased step-father's messy estate which took a lot of work. Her move, my brother, the death of my stepfather and taking on the trustee tasks all happened within one month. When she left it was on good terms. I thought she understood that the new mess I was embroiled in was a disruption in my life that would take time to smooth out. She has to take care of no one but herself. I also work full time and began suffering mild depression. Her response to me "YOU GO GIRL," then began mocking me til I told her I wanted her in my life but not like this. before she moved I'd given her $3000 in hopes she put it toward something useful.

 

I don't know what to do or how to go on with this in my head. To be honest, by the time she left, she had become a torrent of heartache and to see her just made me unhappy. I could have gone to see her... but I didn't want to! She was so awful to me. blaming me for everything that's gone wrong in her life. Full of lies, stealing. all that came out of her mouth was deceit.

 

All this sounds like strange behavior. I've asked her to get herself seen and offered to pay for therapy. Nothing.

 

Last night I wrote her after 3 months of silence between us. I told her I was still angry about before but that I still loved her. Asked her to stop what she was doing because it is dangerous. I am worried for her safety but the hardest part is facing the fact that I dread seeing her again.

 

If she's getting paid doing this porn and is being safe about it - what's the problem? Sounds like a job to me. As stated she's an adult so you can't really stop her.

 

I noticed you said you had to "get her interested" in nursing school. That's not something anyone should be forced into. Nursing and the medical field itself is something people should want to do. I would hate for my daughter to have a nurse who hated her job. They are out there but that's a job you should be passionate about and want to do not be forced into doing. You're dealing with people's lives.

 

She's an adult - so you need to just let her make her own mistakes. Her attitude sounds like my ex and he's 34 and living with mom again. He has an entitled attitude and thinks the world owes him because he's always been handed everything.

 

Maybe some space will be good for both of you. It kind of worked for my mom and I. We had issues because of her behavior and didn't talk for like 3 years. Then I talked to her before I was supposed to deploy again just in case something happened and buried the hatchet. I didn't end up going but things are better than they used to be with us.

 

I really need to look at dates. I thought this was a new topic...

[peabdysmermaid]

Shae, I'd like to preserve my anonymity so Facebook wouldn't be a great option for me. But, to answer your question, things are pretty good =} She contacted me just over a year ago and I nearly fell over in gratitude. She is doing well, not perfect but she is healthy, has a good person in her life and is clearly working her butt off putting her life back together. She told me she has accepted that meds are required to manage her bipolar disorder. Sadly, so many suffer from the stigma around that. To me, she is taking the bull by the horns instead of avoiding the issue. She tells me it's made a difference and I can see that is true. I'm grateful she's letting me in. It is difficult not trying to wedge my way into her life more.

 

But before this, therapy was a life saver. THERAPY!! I needed help desperately and it bolstered me in ways people around me didn't have the experience for - in all fairness to them, this is a pretty specific circumstance, unique to parents with adult kids who are living risky or dangerous lifestyles. It did not make the feelings of sadness that I did things to let her down as a child go away. That will never go away. But destroying yourself with anxiety does your child no good when things reach this point. It does you no good. As parents we know our fallibilities better than anyone but self care isn't about whether we "deserve" it. It's a necessity. It gave me some tools I was able to use for the day I was in her life again. So far we are still stepping carefully around each other but eventually tensions will arise some day and I feel more prepared to meet it head-on without reacting with anger or defensiveness and to let myself feel love without feeling helpless. Sorry to ramble, I do hope it helps.

[Itchy]

edit: Came late to the thread.

[Shae Gardner]

Thank you for your words. They are very helpful. You are right about others not quite understanding especially if it's the scenario of happening within a middle/upper class family only meaning that most don't seem to deal with this, some risky behavior but very few with this. With the internet, I feel more average, typical girls from good, solid families are being affected. We couldn't be a more typical American family: dad engineer, mom a teacher, two older brothers, girl scouts, travel volleyball, fun trips in summer, felt always she and I had a good relationship. Somehow within the last eighteen months, she has been convinced nothing is good about our family, like all the good memories are washed away... I really worry about how strongly theses people around her can influence everything. I just pray she does make that turn-around as you have referred to, and that she does come out okay.

 

Thank you, again.

[Cathy]

I just found out my 24 yr old daughter is working in online porn and it devastates me, I know these posts are old but have you found a new forum for support. It somehow comforts me to see other families express my same worry and difficulties.

[MissCanuck]

11 minutes ago, Cathy said:

I just found out my 24 yr old daughter is working in online porn and it devastates me, I know these posts are old but have you found a new forum for support. It somehow comforts me to see other families express my same worry and difficulties.

Cathy, it would be best to start your own thread. 

Resurrecting a years-old threads is unlikely to get you a response from the OP anyway, so it's better to begin your own new one.