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peabdysmermaid

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  1. Shae, I'd like to preserve my anonymity so Facebook wouldn't be a great option for me. But, to answer your question, things are pretty good =} She contacted me just over a year ago and I nearly fell over in gratitude. She is doing well, not perfect but she is healthy, has a good person in her life and is clearly working her butt off putting her life back together. She told me she has accepted that meds are required to manage her bipolar disorder. Sadly, so many suffer from the stigma around that. To me, she is taking the bull by the horns instead of avoiding the issue. She tells me it's made a difference and I can see that is true. I'm grateful she's letting me in. It is difficult not trying to wedge my way into her life more. But before this, therapy was a life saver. THERAPY!! I needed help desperately and it bolstered me in ways people around me didn't have the experience for - in all fairness to them, this is a pretty specific circumstance, unique to parents with adult kids who are living risky or dangerous lifestyles. It did not make the feelings of sadness that I did things to let her down as a child go away. That will never go away. But destroying yourself with anxiety does your child no good when things reach this point. It does you no good. As parents we know our fallibilities better than anyone but self care isn't about whether we "deserve" it. It's a necessity. It gave me some tools I was able to use for the day I was in her life again. So far we are still stepping carefully around each other but eventually tensions will arise some day and I feel more prepared to meet it head-on without reacting with anger or defensiveness and to let myself feel love without feeling helpless. Sorry to ramble, I do hope it helps.
  2. Shae, I'd be happy to p/m you as I've given up on this board long ago. Despite some great constructive criticism as well as support, it had become sort of a Facebook style mishmash of knee-jerk commenting. Rather than constructive feedback, people weigh in with opinions without first putting in the time to read the full story. That's ok on Facebook, not in a place like I thought this was. Anyway, if you enable private messages I'd be happy to tell you about new developments there. BTW, if it's technically feasible I will delete this thread in about a week. Painful to see what I opened myself up to.
  3. Thanks everyone for all the feedback whether it's critical or supportive. Thanks for not letting the criticism turn into a facebook style bashing [for the most part]. Civil critical opinions are hardly seen anymore these days so I wanted to add that. For the record, I am not looking for validation that I did the right or wrong thing. I hold myself accountable as a parent to a child, to a teenager and to her young adulthood heading out into the world. So many things I could have done better. But at this point in her adult life, she IS responsible for her own actions and I believe that 100%. That doesn't release me from the absolute horror and grief I feel that she is where she is. That grief is why I posted. The comments were all valuable but I realize now, there is no getting around this pain no magic words to make it easier. I will see my therapist for that. Thanks everyone.
  4. Been to therapy with my daughter YES. Time with her? Absolutely. Our backstory is chronicled in my previous posts. My daughter has never accepted what I had to offer her. She wanted what her grandparents offered her - money, cars, bailing her out of being evicted from apartment after apartment, bailing her out of credit card fraud, bailing her boyfriends out of jail. Each time I asked them to step out of the way so she could learn a lesson they said they would, agreed with me how wrong it was. Then I turn around find it happened again. Of course this became a bone of contention between she and I. I wanted her to earn her way, wanted her to learn consequences before she became an adult and got out of control. She thought I was 'being mean', told me off to get out of the her way. Now that they are both gone she can not accept that I won't continue with the precedent they set for her.
  5. Thank you. Yes she does know I love her. Money is certainly not the only kind of attention she's received from me but there's a very convoluted history between her, me and her grandmother [in my past posts if you're curious]. In her childhood there were inconsistencies. Regretfully she wasn't my priority early on [i did finally get a clue by the time she was 10 to start paying attention]. Her dad was absent and her grandparents helped raise her. She had a LOT of people around her who loved her, especially me. I own my shortcomings as a mother, no excuses. Taken the brunt of her anger directed at me as well as her anger toward her father. Since he wasn't around, she aimed that at me too. Doing the right thing is much harder than simply buying her love though I took care of her financially as well. I would not expect any less from her than I could muster myself at her age. My own childhood was much more tumultuous. My own mother - cold, angry and abusive. At 24 I was held responsible for my choices and I expect that of my daughter. At 24 'acting out' and doing porn because her mom didn't love enough doesn't cut it. I am afraid for her nonetheless. As hateful as she is to me, I hope she knows to come back to me if and when she tires of this but I will not pull her. Not anymore. This process of letting go is difficult.
  6. hers: thanks for your reply. Yes it is true about the money. And for clarifying my misunderstanding with soosad. By admitting to my daughter what I saw, I guess I wanted her to know that I loved her anyway despite what I saw and despite our previous argument. Feeling stunned and numb but these feelings are mine to deal with. Her choices are hers. I don't want to change her or criticize her. I'm just afraid for her health. Thanks though, the words you gave were helpful. My issue is more about how to handle my panic. What she does is out of my control. Back to family therapy for me.
  7. thanks lavenderdove for your thoughtful reply. I'l take a look at that link. At the end of day, what concerns me most is her health and safety. Can't cope with the worry...
  8. soosad33: "Honestly, not sure I would have admitted I'd seen that stuff, being her 'parent'..." I'm sorry, why wouldn't i admit to it? This a forum to seek advice free of shame. I admit [if 'admit' is even the appropriate word here] I saw her porn because I am devastated and needed some advice in a forum designed for such things. Yes parent not 'parent' in parens. I didn't say I wanted her to answer to me. Yup she's using me. Thanks for the rest.
  9. Hi, My 24 yo daughter is in porn. I found her pseudonym online last night. She has posted hundreds of EXPLICIT shots of herself in the "act". I also found her pseudonym's twitter account where she posts daily about her "shoots" and how excited she is. According to her first post, she's been doing this for 2 years. Over those 2 years my husband and I have tried to give her a part time job with us which she flaked on constantly. Working with us she had learned advanced excel and office skills that I hoped she could apply to other more lucrative work. In the meantime I paid her rent and supplemented her food. I had tried to get her interested in nursing school again [she flaked out twice before] but she flaked out a 3rd time stealing my tuition money in the process. She's smart, scores well on tests and is extremely personable. All this and she claimed she couldn't find other work blaming the economy. Yet her cousins - between the ages of 19 and 25 also can not find jobs "in their field" but they are all employed delivering pizza, waiting tables and even dressing up in squirrel costume at an amusement park. She became angry with me for not giving her more money and for not visiting her after she moved out of town 3 months prior "for a job" unleashing a barrage on me when I asked why her job wasn't paying her bills. I told her to give me a break - at the time she chose to take off, I'd recently 'adopted' my adult disabled brother, relocated him and at the same time became trustee in my recently deceased step-father's messy estate which took a lot of work. Her move, my brother, the death of my stepfather and taking on the trustee tasks all happened within one month. When she left it was on good terms. I thought she understood that the new mess I was embroiled in was a disruption in my life that would take time to smooth out. She has to take care of no one but herself. I also work full time and began suffering mild depression. Her response to me "YOU GO GIRL," then began mocking me til I told her I wanted her in my life but not like this. before she moved I'd given her $3000 in hopes she put it toward something useful. I don't know what to do or how to go on with this in my head. To be honest, by the time she left, she had become a torrent of heartache and to see her just made me unhappy. I could have gone to see her... but I didn't want to! She was so awful to me. blaming me for everything that's gone wrong in her life. Full of lies, stealing. all that came out of her mouth was deceit. All this sounds like strange behavior. I've asked her to get herself seen and offered to pay for therapy. Nothing. Last night I wrote her after 3 months of silence between us. I told her I was still angry about before but that I still loved her. Asked her to stop what she was doing because it is dangerous. I am worried for her safety but the hardest part is facing the fact that I dread seeing her again.
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