He is a "nice guy," but...

[NightLily]

The one year mark will be coming up fairly soon with my boyfriend. He has plenty of good qualities: similar outlooks politically and religiously, similar career paths and thoughts over marriage/children (basically unsure if either of us ever want either of those things), he is extremely intelligent when it comes to the sciences and math, friendly to nearly all people, has a cute personality and smile, is very dedicated/loyal/trustworthy...

 

BUT there is definitely one major problem. We have practically been asexual for nearly 8 months. I'm not trying to peg this all on him. I think it has been a combination of factors. He was extremely inexperienced and so.. yeah, you know how that can go, he has gained some weight and lost muscle because he completely stopped working out which has caused my physical attraction to drop off significantly, we had both been extremely busy and stressed with studies and research, and then to add to the mix I definitely suffered through pretty severe sexual trauma just a few years ago.

 

This leaves me pretty confused. On one hand, I have caught myself a number of times feeling attracted to other guys for about 2 months now. We make a good team, he treats me very well, I trust him, but I don't know if I can settle for no or horrible sex for the rest of my life. And, I realize I am part of the issue for sure.

 

Does anybody have experience being on either side of an issue like this? Input? Advice? I kind of just want to hear from anybody because this is obviously not the type of stuff I can discuss with people who know him.. and I find myself getting more agitated and short fused.

[Stay_home]

Maybe this is something you both can work on together since the problem ain't all with him and has something to do with you as well.

[savignon]

I think if the 2 of you can talk about it, there could be some room for improvement. Whether you decide to read a book together, get a kama sutra-ish book to spice things up, go on a diet together/cook healthy things together, work out together....there are lots of things that can be explored.

You don't say if you're inlove or think he could be 'the one'...??

I'd say listen to your gut overall and also take responsibility for the parts that at yours (which you seem to be good at and that's a great strength in a relationship!)

Good luck!

[pl3asehelp]

How severe was your sexual trauma and what have you done to heal?

[quirky]

Does any of you initiate sex?

 

What would he need to do to get you inspired?

 

What can you do from your end to encourage more intimacy?

[skygreen1111]

Does anybody have experience being on either side of an issue like this? Input? Advice? I kind of just want to hear from anybody because this is obviously not the type of stuff I can discuss with people who know him..

 

No you shouldn't talk about this with people who know him. You should talk about this with HIM. And be careful not to put the blame on him when you talk about it either, because you admit here that you are part of the problem as well. Try to figure out why you are both lacking in this area of the relationship. Try to encourage him to start working out again (maybe you can both go together?? Keep you both in shape).

 

And as for the lifetime of horrible sex, he is inexperienced, if you both can commit to having sex more often, you should find he gets a lot better over time. Practice makes perfect!

[NightLily]

I think if the 2 of you can talk about it, there could be some room for improvement. Whether you decide to read a book together, get a kama sutra-ish book to spice things up, go on a diet together/cook healthy things together, work out together....there are lots of things that can be explored.

You don't say if you're inlove or think he could be 'the one'...??

I'd say listen to your gut overall and also take responsibility for the parts that at yours (which you seem to be good at and that's a great strength in a relationship!)

Good luck!

 

We have talked about it a few times. I've been completely open with him except saying that he is not very skilled in the physical department. He is already completely aware of that though because he has issues with very basic things like finding the clitoris etc. Visuals and instructions haven't helped much yet. He sort of fumbles around very indecisively and after trying and trying I eventually can't maintain any amount of physical arousal. But yeah.. maybe there is hope yet that he could improve. After 8 months of this, I don't know if I really feel like I'm in love with him anymore. He has also fallen into the bad habit of talking to me in a baby voice all of the time. I keep telling him it is a turn off but nothing seems to help It is frustrating because he is so great in so many ways. It makes me wonder if my expectations are too high.

 

How severe was your sexual trauma and what have you done to heal?

I am not going to go into details. It went on for over half a year and was physically abusive. As far as healing goes, I had done therapy for a few months but found it to take away from me making progress and even took medication for one year following what happened. I've come a very long way. That being said, I don't think the events that have taken place can ever be totally erased. I sometimes have periods where I feel the need to back off and not have any sexuality in my life. So this was definitely started partly by me.

 

Does any of you initiate sex?

 

What would he need to do to get you inspired?

 

What can you do from your end to encourage more intimacy?

 

He doesn't initiate anything. I've tried but then after the fumbling and awkwardness things slow down to a stop. And, just like a guy can not be intimate without being aroused, a woman can't either. It would be physically painful. Back when we started dating, we knew each other academically and his intellect and personality were turnons. Now, he has started to almost act like a toddler 50% of the time with me. I *really* wish he would go back to acting like a full grown adult male. That would go a long way.

 

And I guess now that I think of it more, he does try to initiate things maybe. But his way of doing it is that he randomly grabs my boobs. I've told him countless times that it doesn't work like that but he seems very confused about how to actually go about things. I'm not sure what to tell him.

 

I could definitely start working out and eating better myself. I have a physically demanding job when not doing studies and so I had figured that way enough, but I may feel better putting more effort into my looks. If he doesn't follow suit though, I feel like it would just distance us more..

 

No you shouldn't talk about this with people who know him. You should talk about this with HIM. And be careful not to put the blame on him when you talk about it either, because you admit here that you are part of the problem as well. Try to figure out why you are both lacking in this area of the relationship. Try to encourage him to start working out again (maybe you can both go together?? Keep you both in shape).

 

And as for the lifetime of horrible sex, he is inexperienced, if you both can commit to having sex more often, you should find he gets a lot better over time. Practice makes perfect!

 

I have talked about this with him but I explained that above. He knows it is a mutual problem. The problem is I no longer know if I am losing attraction due to no physical fulfillment for so long or if I am just losing attraction for some other reason.

[quirky]

Do you live together, how often do you meet?

[arcadefire]

I think you need to look within yourself and ask yourself whether you see this going long term. One year is enough time to figure out whether you love him and want to be with him longer, or whether this isn't the right guy for you.

 

It seem that you are leaning towards the latter, and if so, you need to break up with him because everyone deserves to love and be loved.

[shellyf62]

I dated a guy who was inexperienced too. He had been married for a long time to a woman that didnt like sex, so 5 times a year was usually it for them.

I am very adventurous and experienced, so it was a shock to find a 44 yr old man who had never done certain "basic" things before.

I liked him a lot so really tried to guide him. I bought books, talked about things, showed him things, etc etc, but after 4 months I realised things were never going to get any better.

I honestly think you need to leave him, and find someone who you are sexually compatible with.

Honestly life is too short for bad sex.

Good luck

[NightLily]

Do you live together, how often do you meet?

 

We don't live together but I end up staying over with him maybe.. 2 nights a week? We see each other about 3 days a week and occasionally more.

 

I think you need to look within yourself and ask yourself whether you see this going long term. One year is enough time to figure out whether you love him and want to be with him longer, or whether this isn't the right guy for you.

 

It seem that you are leaning towards the latter, and if so, you need to break up with him because everyone deserves to love and be loved.

 

The thing is, I had kind of been figuring that I had found the right person for me. It is the past few months that this ongoing problem is becoming more glaring. I was definitely having a moment of frustration in my OP but I really go back and forth with things. I think it makes sense that it is worth trying to work things out. Sometimes I don't know what to do... but at least neither of us are in any rush for marriage (PhD programs aren't always conducive to that..)

 

I dated a guy who was inexperienced too. He had been married for a long time to a woman that didnt like sex, so 5 times a year was usually it for them.

I am very adventurous and experienced, so it was a shock to find a 44 yr old man who had never done certain "basic" things before.

I liked him a lot so really tried to guide him. I bought books, talked about things, showed him things, etc etc, but after 4 months I realised things were never going to get any better.

I honestly think you need to leave him, and find someone who you are sexually compatible with.

Honestly life is too short for bad sex.

Good luck

 

Hmmm... a little discouraging but thank you.

[Silverbirch]

I disagree that you should dump someone because the sex is not good - if that person has all of these other wonderful qualities. To be perfectly honest, I think that in most relationships, there comes a point where sex is not so signficant or at least people feel different about each other. Men as the one you have described are really not all that easy to find. I'd think I had died and gone to heaven if I met someone like your boyfriend.

[greywolf]

We have talked about it a few times. I've been completely open with him except saying that he is not very skilled in the physical department. He is already completely aware of that though because he has issues with very basic things like finding the clitoris etc. Visuals and instructions haven't helped much yet. He sort of fumbles around very indecisively and after trying and trying I eventually can't maintain any amount of physical arousal. But yeah.. maybe there is hope yet that he could improve.

 

I find that a little odd. Everyone starts off as a beginner, but it isn't rocket science. Does he seem to have any hang-ups on sex?

[shellyf62]

I disagree that you should dump someone because the sex is not good - if that person has all of these other wonderful qualities. To be perfectly honest, I think that in most relationships, there comes a point where sex is not so signficant or at least people feel different about each other. Men as the one you have described are really not all that easy to find. I'd think I had died and gone to heaven if I met someone like your boyfriend.

 

Some people require compatability in & out of the bedroom. I am a very sexual person, and need someone similar to me otherwise I feel unloved & unfulfilled. Some people have a very low need for sex, so wont feel the same way as me. We are all different, and our needs are different.

 

Also I forgot to add, if my partner started talking baby talk I would be gone. I need a man who is a man, not someone looking for a mother figure.

[shellyf62]

Hmmm... a little discouraging but thank you.

 

I am sorry to be so blunt, but I felt I needed to tell you my story.

I do miss him actually, but dont miss the sexual frustration I felt.

[Silverbirch]

Yes, we ARE all different, and we change with age. I'm likely much older than you are, and I've had several partners. For a lot of people, when we get older, the person who we want to grow even older with isn't necessarily going to be the one who gave us the best and most orgasms.

[Fudgie]

I am going to go against the grain here and say that you should probably break up with him.

 

Obviously sex isn't everything. Being asexual works for some people and that's fine. But it's clearly kit working for you at this point in your life. And that's fine too.

 

This is a new relationship. It's not like you guys have been together a long time and know you're sexually compatible and then something changes. If that were the case, I'd tell you to stick it out.

 

No, in this case, you've been together for not even a year, and you've been asexual 8 months. That's practically the whole length of your relationship. What you're seeing here is what you're going to get. I'm not sure why you ignored this issue for this long, did you think it would get better? It hasn't. Honestly it sounds like a basic incompatibility that you choose to overlook.

 

Inexperience is not his problem here. My boyfriend was a total virgin before me and only kissed one other girl before me. Sex has gotten better over time but it has never been horrible. Sex isn't rocket science. I'm guessing he has a serious hang up or you guys have terrible chemistry. Neither of which you can really change.

 

Don't settle for this guy. Horrible, horrible sex and then asexual for most of the relationship? I think you are kidding yourself if you think you can push away your needs and settle with this guy.

[DrNick]

Maybe he simply has a low sex drive, in which case nothing you can do will change his underlying nature.

 

However, is it possible that he has some secret fetish or quirk that he's too embarrassed to share with you? While its a bit underhanded, maybe you need to check his computer to see if he's looking at porn.

 

Also, while he's not good in bed, how does he respond if you perform acts on him (e.g. Oral sex)? If he's quite happy to receive then its probably not a low libido problem.

[shellyf62]

Yes, we ARE all different, and we change with age. I'm likely much older than you are, and I've had several partners. For a lot of people, when we get older, the person who we want to grow even older with isn't necessarily going to be the one who gave us the best and most orgasms.

 

I am 51, and my sex drive is higher than it was when I was younger....so I feel for this girl if it isnt going to get any better.

She needs someone to treat her well in bed.

[mhowe]

Yes, we ARE all different, and we change with age. I'm likely much older than you are, and I've had several partners. For a lot of people, when we get older, the person who we want to grow even older with isn't necessarily going to be the one who gave us the best and most orgasms.

Speak for yourself SB! Sometimes you get lucky...

[itsallgrand]

Maybe you have simply outgrown each other?

 

You are both young. With your own sort of stages of development this relationship has provided comfort and safety for the two of you to explore and move along in. For you, having a nice decent man who you can talk with and there is some substance here beyond sex - and at first, that can be a real turn on. Especially when you come from a place where security and being treated properly are something which feel like a real treat; that it in itself can be a point where real attachment grows from.

And for him, being appreciated as himself and wanted as a man. Having a chance to explore his sexuality and what it is to be in a relationship for the very first time. Of course you are both attached and care about each other, for all sorts of reasons.

 

But like you said, neither one of you is thinking marriage or long term right now and maybe not a good while. And that is good and smart. There is lots yet for each of you to figure out about yourself. Maybe not all of it will be together.

 

I know it can hurtful to even consider it, but I truly do believe that some good relationships are not meant to be long ones. SOmetimes it's better to enjoy it while you have, and know when to let it go.