Does rational girlfriend mean she is settling?

[Doc Blaze]

are you gonna search until you find something wrong?

 

Your snooping is wrong period...you are defending your actions which is wrong...

 

your going behind her back searching through her stuff

 

 

It doesnt matter if you dont care..she is not you..

 

 

 

what did u email her about your anxiety?

[agent1607307371]

To be honest, yes you are expecting too much. It's inappropriate on every level to make someone else responsible for your emotions.

 

And you are creating another level of problems. You need to let her know she needs to change her password.

 

You keep talking about how if x doesn't happen, if y isn't given to you, you're going to leave her, but you're stacking the board against her. And you'll never leave her, you'll just build it all up until the relationship is so unbearable she has to kick you out.

[Ms Darcy]

For both of you, I hope she dumps you. Then maybe you will take some personal responsibility for your feelings.

[johndoe13]

Believe it or not I actually love her.

 

Last night I had one of my knitpicking moments. I was internally anxious about her not saying I love you back before yesterday, she didn't repond back to my text (she was sleeping), and she served herself and started eating without me which I told her was rude (which I called her up on when she asked me that I looked worried). Anyways, this started another argument. She told me she felt like if she was a horrible girlfriend everytime I pick on something. She said that she was fed up of feeling that way and it had to stop, which I agree.

 

So I told her that IF I picked a fight next week and during on our vacation I would just pack my things and leave for her well being. She started crying like if I was dumping her she was visibly upset and thought I took things to extreme. This morning she was really distant and stonewalling...which I guess is undertandable given that me leaving depends on whether I start another argument on what she says or does.

At the end I told her I need to have this pressure in order to stop the cycle, I told her I was not going to leave her but I needed something serious to stop.!

Anyways, this will be my last e-mail for 3 weeks. Given that I do want to make myself better and want to make it work I will just be a man about how she behaves and act accordingly. I will as she suggested try to see this on a positive side and focus and vocalize on what she does do right. I'll keep you posted just for the sake of helping anyone else that has the same problem I'm dealing with.

[Seraphim]

She better leave before she has her self-esteem pounded into the dust. She is in no win situation. She is wrong if she does something she's wrong if she doesn't do something. She will have no self-esteem left by the time this relationship is over.

[agent1607307371]

You are going to destroy her. I am not even joking here. This situation, you, is toxic.

[johndoe13]

She better leave before she has her self-esteem pounded into the dust. She is in no win situation. She is wrong if she does something she's wrong if she doesn't do something. She will have no self-esteem left by the time this relationship is over.

 

Victoria66 and agent, what is you point on posting here? I post here because I need actual help and not to be put down or to be made even more anxious by saying that she should leave me! I sense malicious themes in your posts with have REALLY not helped as well as others; I would say SOME OF YOU HAVE made my anxiety WORSE which is not the PURPOSE of this forum!!! I don't blame you for saying these things but I need positive advice and not just random statements. I actually do good things too if not she would not be with me but that you don't ask!

 

But yes if I continue she will leave me, and believe me I know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[agent1607307371]

OP, you have had a lot of advice here but you don't take any of it. It doesn't mean anything if you don't put it into practise.

[Seraphim]

Believe me I NEVER have malicious intent in posting. So end that full stop. Plus this is a public forum I can post where I like. I have given you lots of advice. I have even told you some ways to be less anxious. But the fact is your anxiety is destroying another human being. My husband had severe anxiety like you. He took that anxiety out on me all the time. He almost destroyed me and our marriage. I'm giving you the other side of the coin how she feels.

 

Unfortunately you like he was at the time can't see beyond your own issues.

[Liraele]

Ultimatums are never good. What you did was issue one for yourself... one that, I'd bet, you're not going to follow through on. Oh, you may intend to when you say it, but when push comes to shove, when you go into your spiral next week... you're going to find some way to justify staying.

 

Why?

 

Because you are projecting your issues onto her, which makes it easy to rationalize away your bad behavior, and if she asks you to stay... you'll stay. And you issued that ultimatum knowing she would.

 

You acknowledge that she's not the problem. That you are the problem. But saying "I won't do x,y,z" is not the solution. Because it's not that simple. You can't just STOP a behavior that you've been doing for an extended period of time because you want to... at least not when you haven't addressed the underlying root cause of that behavior. Your insecurity is the underlying issue. Which has everything to do with what is going on in your own mind, and with your own brain chemistry.

 

You are going to have to redirect that energy. Can she help you? Sure. It would be better for you to get away, take a break, and try to deal with it on your own... but I doubt that's going to happen.

 

You can't just wish away bad habits and behaviors without addressing their underlying causes. It might work for a little while, but eventually the house of cards you build will tumble, because that issue is still there. Lying in the shadows. Waiting.

[johndoe13]

I told her that I had to work on myself for the next couple of months. I said that for the next 3 weeks I will NOT create a problem. I need that pressure to stop my behaviour! It will be hard but I have to do it. You are right the underlying cause is my insecurity, hence I must be willing to let her go if I am to make her miserable. Trust me it's not fun to feel anxious all the time either. I actually feel well today despite me not knowing the immediate future and saw she was again really distant this morning. I wrote her an apology e-mail stating she did not have to respond...I will try my best to make it work and hope she trusts me again...btw I am tempted to look at her e-mails and have not done it!

 

I pray to god he helps me.

[East4]

Maybe your are right. But if she is so sane and I'm so insane why does she still want to buy a house with me???

 

I need you to anwer this please!!!

 

Yesterday we took a picture of the grounds were the development will be built! I'll keep you posted I hope you are wrong and things turn out well for us.

 

Well, i can tell you why, because i have been in your girlfriend's shoes and made the huge mistake to marry a man with issues like yours. She is most probably so entrapped in her dreams of house, family and kids, which she's not willing to give up easily on those plans, especially after having dated a string of non-committal men.

 

Her problem is that she does not realise yet how detrimental you are to her, because she has the false feeling of being in control and she’s still convinced that if she doubles her effort, eventually she will convince you of her commitment to you and that she can put your fears at ease. But she’s wrong-people like you never get enough attention, they always find something wrong, they are always dissatisfied and see red flags where there none. She simply does not understand that she cannot win the battle. The more attention she gives, the more you will require, you are like an endless black hole that never will be filled up with enough affection, no matter how hard she tried.

 

Man, your neediness is not normal, and let me tell you that you are turning emotionally abusive towards her, by not leaving her be herself, by not leaving her living space to breath, making her the bad guy FOR YOUR PROBLEMS, constant demands, whining. There is no woman in this world that can stay attracted to a man who displays this behaviour. When I was married to a man like you, I didn’t want to return back home from work, I started to work longer hours (of course this made things worse), because I was sick to my stomach just that I would imagine how at the very same moment I opened the front door, my husband will stick to me like a jelly fish (this is how I saw him in the final stage of our marriage) and pout and play nasty passive-aggressive games if, God forbid, I’d forgotten to give him a kiss, to tell him that I loved him, or to compliment him how gorgeous he was. True, objectively he was an attractive man, but honestly I couldn’t stand him at the end. I could not even go to the toilet alone and s**t – he would put himself in front of the door and continue talking, and talking and talking…and would also insist that I left the toilet door open, so that I could hear him better! You are steadily on your way to do this as well… I was dying for some privacy and me time. Any time that I tried to explain how his behaviour makes me feel, he would like a typical “victim” type abuser turn the tables on me and say “yes, I know you do not love me.” Of course, I felt guilty and doubled my effort to show him my love. Nothing worked.

 

As for intimacy-a woman cannot be turned on by a man she sees as sluggish thing that glues itself to her to sap her vital force...and always is asking for more, and more and more attention and proofs of love. This is disgusting. Sure, she can try to force her to raise to your demands, but it is a futile effort.

 

Please, I beg you, do not buy a house and do not have kids. Go sort out your head, and do yourself and your girlfriend a huge favour-let her go. Anyway this will happen, just that the mess will be much greater if you have a property and kids together.

[mhowe]

Holy moley --- that is a eye opener^^^^^^^^^^^

[johndoe13]

Well, i can Anyway this will happen, just that the mess will be much greater if you have a property and kids together.

 

Thanks for your story. But this is not my story. I understand that your man was like this but I do realize that I am the problem and I don't want to make her the reason for my happiness or unhappiness. I think I was clear when I said that if I get into another drama situation I am pulling the plug...I am serious because I love her and if I am hurting her I will leave her alone.

 

Will I buy property with her, yes!!! If I manage to get my core back in place right away, that is that to decide to be happy and that she only makes me happier . I'm really a nice guy with lots of qualities, the thing is that I also have self-confidence issues and inexperience issues...which i'm definitely trying to get a hold of.

 

I believe in myself.

 

So far I'm doing fine eventhough though normally I would be freaking out! I don't know if it will last but so far something changed.

 

All I know is that i've been hurting her with my questioning and I'm really sad because I could feel the distance.

[Doc Blaze]

I do realize that I am the problem

 

and what are you doing to help the situation improve..since this thread started besides talking to someone , i havent seen you apply anything to your daily

life..you keep saying you have a problem but yettttt what are you doing to change it

 

nobody can change but you..and your not changing..IMO since you started this thread things have become worse for you...

[mhowe]

Since starting the thread you have snooped her email, issued ultimatums and blamed her for your anxiety... which seems to be getting worse.

[johndoe13]

Since starting the thread you have snooped her email, issued ultimatums and blamed her for your anxiety... which seems to be getting worse.

 

What could I say I agree. She just e-mailed me she wants to be happy with me but I need to be happy with myself. She hopes this is the last time...so I am on very thin ice as it is; we wil have supper tonight. I'm going to go into action and go with the flow from now on...if it does not work out it was not meant to be ....so there you have it.

 

I think it normal to have arguments but not every week!

[Seraphim]

I can tell you it took my husband 10 years of therapy and medication to sort out his anxiety. You're going to have to apply what you learn in therapy. I am truly serious about that. Emotional responsibility is a very serious issue. You can learn it. You won't be learning it in a few months though. This is something that you're going to have to put very concerted effort into. You can learn! My husband did it but it took him a long time. I decided to stick with my husband because we were already married and already had a baby together at the time. Now after his long effort and mine we can truly say we are responsible for our own feelings.

 

So get going to therapy at least once a week. Find out if medication is helpful to you. And involve your girlfriend in your therapy.

[johndoe13]

I can tell you it took my husband 10 years of therapy and medication to sort out his anxiety. You're going to have to apply what you learn in therapy. I am truly serious about that. Emotional responsibility is a very serious issue. You can learn it. You won't be learning it in a few months though. This is something that you're going to have to put very concerted effort into. You can learn! My husband did it but it took him a long time. I decided to stick with my husband because we were already married and already had a baby together at the time. Now after his long effort and mine we can truly say we are responsible for our own feelings.

 

So get going to therapy at least once a week. Find out if medication is helpful to you. And involve your girlfriend in your therapy.

 

Thank you! I know it won't be easy, but my relationship is at stake if I can't just go a few weeks without an epidose. Once I managed 2 weeks without questioning she was in heaven, she went from a small vacation to a major are in europe to talking about kids. I really have to change my mindset. Therapy once a week is done. The only things left if me learning to deal with my fears and live constantly in the present moment!

[Seraphim]

Ok here I will give you something that helps me. Here is a recent thread of mine. And remember this is a journey. It will have ups and downs. You won't conquer this in weeks or months.

Here is my own "tool box" and explanation of my own situation. Hopefully there is something in here that can help you.

 

 

 

 

Here is my explanation of my therapy.

 

 

 

 

Ok, here I go. I will start at the top. I have a panic disorder due to the effects of my childhood and other events in my life which just added trauma to my life.So I am in therapy right now to sort that all out. It is going extremely well by my standards and the counselor's standards. So of course a lot of what I has to say pertains to my specific situation but it can be used to fears and anxieties in general. The amygdala is a part of the brain that controls fear. It is in the primitive part of our brain. It also helps with the hypothalamus process fearful events or stressful events or traumatic events. It also works subconsciously. Without you even knowing it, it can assess something as totally dangerous for survival and then it sends out a chemical response in the limbic system to start the flight or fight response. You can not control that at all. However you can control how it makes you feel. Because I have a panic disorder my threshold for extreme fear is very low and has many triggers. They can happen out of nowhere so seemly no reason. All fear however is controlled by the amygdala. So people with anxieties and what not also have lower threshold for the amygdala being activated.

 

 

 

 

I started talk and cognitive therapy after being hospitalized a few times for panic that would not stop for days on end. I was near total physical collapse so I HAD to do something. I had lost almost 30 pounds in a month because I could not eat or drink or sleep or anything. What I have been learning are "grounding techniques" and there are millions of them out there. So anytime I feel panic starting I start my grounding techniques. They basically bring you back into the present moment. Fear and anxiety takes you OUT of the present moment and into the past or the future. Right? We can not live in those places. We have to live in the present. If we live in the present we have to be focused and in our own bodies.

 

 

 

 

Now some of the techniques that I use:

 

 

 

 

1. I find walking very grounding. I go for two walks a day almost every single day. So I walk about an hour a day or a little more. The endorphins it creates make you feel awesome which create health benefits too on top of the other obvious ones.

 

 

 

 

2. I have a safe place in my house that I go to if I am overwhelmed. That is my bedroom. If I am overwhelmed I ask that my family leave me alone in there for about 20 mins. You can also have a safe place in your head as well. Like a memory and you think about that memory and see it with ALL your senses.

 

 

 

 

3. Breathing techniques. You can look up a lot of these. One I use is I breath in deeply and I say, " I am peaceful and safe", and on the exhale I say, " I am letting out fear, anxiety and panic."

 

 

 

 

4. I touch my body, lightly tapping my arm or massaging my scalp or snapping a rubber band on my arm. This reminds me I am in my own body and not floating.

 

 

 

 

5. I take off my socks and walk on the floor with my eyes closed and feel the sensations of how that feels.

 

 

 

 

6. You can describe your physical surroundings with all your five senses. So you describe what you touch, you describe what you see, describe what you hear, ..... you can the picture. You keep doing it until the anxiety disappears.

 

 

 

 

7. Sometimes I will have a very hot bath or shower.

 

 

 

 

8. Affirmations. Here are ones I say 3 times a day about 5 times each.

 

 

 

 

The only moment I can control is the present moment.

 

 

 

 

I deserve to be loved

 

 

 

 

I deserve the right to express myself and be heard

 

 

 

 

I am on the path to healing

 

 

 

 

I love and accept myself and I am safe

 

 

 

 

The dark can not hurt me

 

 

 

 

The past can not hurt me

 

 

 

 

It is safe to go to sleep

 

 

 

 

I am with people who love me and won't let anyone hurt me.

 

 

 

 

Now your situation is probably different so you have to find affirmations that work for you in particular.

 

 

 

 

9. I find people to talk to even if it only 15 minutes and that helps me a lot.

 

 

 

 

10. If I have tried everything and nothing is working and it has been many hours I take a larger dose of my medication. I take a benzo once a day to keep myself off the edge. I take half a pill daily. If I have days where SQUAT is working and I have tried for about 8 hours to stop the panic I take an entire pill. That does not happen too often though. Maybe once every few months. ( I would check this with your prescribing doctor though because benzo's are a control medication and they only give you so many)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Grounding techniques are basically self soothing so that your fear does not change your perception of reality. Having someone else sooth our anxiety is not a good strategy. Ignoring our anxiety is also not a good strategy. My counselor has taught me to build a "tool box" of techniques for self soothing and my "tool box" is what I have described to you in shorter detail. I keep building my tool box with more skills all the time and you need many skills because one or two won't cut it and can fail. You need back ups for when others fail.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Once you have your tools and are secure in using them you can take your fears and anxieties out of the box. You can sit with uncomfortable and bad feelings and explore why you have them and what triggers them and decide if they are applicable anymore. You can also decide if they are even " your crap" to begin with or something that was projected onto you by someone else.

 

 

 

 

Basically you are taking control of your fear and anxiety responses and when you have control you have LESS fear and anxiety. And all anxiety is is fear and once you learn to control that......................

 

 

[mhowe]

That was very generous of you V.

[johndoe13]

Ok here I will give you something that helps me. Basically you are taking control of your fear and anxiety responses and when you have control you have LESS fear and anxiety. And all anxiety is is fear and once you learn to control that......................

 

]

 

Wow thank you Victoria I think those are definitely things I could use to cope!Some of the things you said really hit home for me.

 

Thank you

[East4]

The good advice is going over 18 pages already, and like others mentioned, to no avail. I do not think OP is on this board to receive and follow a good advice, he is most probably here:

 

1) in the hopes that we will validate his absurd idea that poor him (the victim) he is treated so badly by his insensitive gf;

 

2) when 1) did not happen, he keeps coming back guess for what?....Yes, exactly-for attention. He adores it. And I personally would feel very stupid to give it to him any longer. We can repeat until we are blue in the face, that his behavior is unacceptable, but he's not here to listen. As we all can see, he has a solid ammunition of all sorts of rationalisations and excuses. He does not take responsibilities for his actions. Why are we wasting our time and effort if words fall on deaf ear?

 

I am also pretty sure that when feeling neglected (and this is 99% of the time) he would on purpose instigate a row to have a rise from his girlfriend, so that he receives another portion of oh-so-desired attention. Even if it is negative. With very little to zero concern as to how hurtful his behavior is to her. Throughout all OP's posts I've not found one single word of concern about how his girlfriend feels about being given grief EVERY WEEK (and how generous of him to decide to leave her in peace for the whole of 3 weeks!). It all about about him, him, and some more about him. His only concern relating to his girlfriend is whether, to what extent and for how long she is able to satisfy him. OP, let me tell you straight-you do not love your girlfriend. You need her to be your servant, to have sex with, to fill in the bottomless pit of your neediness, but this is not love. You have no right to demand love from her if you are not capable to give love first.

[Seraphim]

Wow thank you Victoria I think those are definitely things I could use to cope!Some of the things you said really hit home for me.

 

Thank you

 

See I am not a mean ogre

[johndoe13]

The good advice is going over 18 pages already, and like others mentioned, to no avail. I do not think OP is on this board to receive and follow a good advice, he is most probably here:

.

 

You have good points except that I don't love her and I actually need HELP! anyways I'm walking away with the great deal of advice from many and your insights which I hope are not true because that would make me a really bad person. I will stop posting and give everyone an update one last time in a couple of weeks. Thanks for all your input.