Does rational girlfriend mean she is settling?

[johndoe13]

I think she's the healthy type, not avoidant. Def go see the psych, but try CBT instead of meds. You need to understand why it's irrational to always have these fears.

 

That is what i'm doing on Friday, however, I had a CBT therapist for 4 years after my separation with my ex. It helped and the next step on my treatment was to start dating. But instead I entered into a relationship right away and my therapist did not agree since she wanted me to get experience. She said I was not ready for a relationship but i'm 38!!!

[pl3asehelp]

That is what i'm doing on Friday, however, I had a CBT therapist for 4 years after my separation with my ex. It helped and the next step on my treatment was to start dating. But instead I entered into a relationship right away and my therapist did not agree since she wanted me to get experience. She said I was not ready for a relationship but i'm 38!!!

 

I think you should have heeded her advice.

[mhowe]

You are 38 chronologically speaking...but your emotional maturity is much, much younger.

You should have heeded her advice.

[Iakasot]

Again, she noted the change. You were quiet, you left early without telling her. And you did it to make a point --- games.

Mentioning something that is different --- is not worried. It is mentioning. And questioning.

 

It must be exhausting being you!

You seem to be intent on making him feel like the bad guy and twist his words and actions. Fact of the matter is, he HEARD her tone of voice and worried look on her face, you didn't but you're trying to tell him he's wrong even though he has more information and knowledge of his partner than you do. He even said what his motivations were, and that he wasn't playing games, but apparently you know him better than he knows himself, because you're telling him he was playing games and what his motivations were! Just look at his post below, then look at yours above. It should be plainly obvious to anyone here that you're attacking him.

I agree, last night I was zen, I told myself to stop expecting so much from the relationship and do whatever makes me happy. I think she is starting to get worried because she mentioned this morning that I am acting different. She told me this because I told her that same morning I had to leave before her (1st time it happens) while she was preparing her lunch; she said that I should have told her so that she could time her morning differently so that we can have coffee together...

I was not playing games, I was quiet because many time she does not talk to me too much in the morning so I just watch tv and I though she would not care If I left before her...

 

So let's go over some red flags. Her going hot and cold, her being more smitten with her exes than with you, her wanting to buy a condo with you while telling you that she can't tell that she'll be with you forever, crying during sex, wandering eyes looking at other guys (!!!), pressuring you to open a shared savings account with her (you're basically married when you have a shared savings account and move in together), she's NOT COMFORTABLE holding hands in public (sign of commitment phobia, NOT being emotionally secure). I'm sure there's EVEN MORE, we just haven't heard his whole story. Oh, and she PUSHED for MAJOR commitment in the first 4 months of relationship. Sounds a lot like someone who wants to profit from you paying for half a condo, then keep the whole condo to herself after a divorce, and move on to the next victim. I haven't been though a divorce, but talked to quite a few guys who have, and their ex wives shared a lot of these MAJOR SIGNS. Don't let anyone tell you that your girlfriend is secure, OP, judge for yourself and look for clues.

[mhowe]

Lakasot...it would appear that your opinion regarding the OP and his relationship with his gf is in direct opposition to all of the other posters as well as the OP. He is seeking professional help because he knows his anxiety and over thinking is going to drive away this woman who loves him.

[itsallgrand]

That is what i'm doing on Friday, however, I had a CBT therapist for 4 years after my separation with my ex. It helped and the next step on my treatment was to start dating. But instead I entered into a relationship right away and my therapist did not agree since she wanted me to get experience. She said I was not ready for a relationship but i'm 38!!!

 

CBT was very helpful for me and my anxiety/catastrophic thinking.

 

No reason you can't pick up where you left off with it.

 

Regardless of what happens with the gf, it would be good for YOU. Living with constant fear is a horrible way to live. ANd no matter how good things are or how good life is or how good a partner is to you...if you don't address it, it'll haunt you forever.

 

Yeah, it doesn't care what age you are. And you shouldn't judge yourself for dealing with this at your age. Can be difficult sometimes to be patient with where we are at - but the place where we are at remains the same - until we do something about it.

 

It sounds like there is real potential in this relationship. Worth at least giving this your absolute solid try. You can't lose by addressing your own stuff. No matter what happens.

[Seraphim]

If he is exactly the same in his work life I highly doubt it this woman who causing the problem. If he had psychotherapy for four years after break up I also highly doubt it is this woman. If a psychiatrist told him he was not ready for relationships I pretty much doubt it is this woman that is the problem.

[mhowe]

Absolutely 100% agree. You are to be commended for seeking help to overcome this.

[johndoe13]

Absolutely 100% agree. You are to be commended for seeking help to overcome this.

 

Thanks, I really hope I could get my head straight and self-confidence up. People are always freaked out when they find out I have low confidence because how I look!

[Seraphim]

Thanks, I really hope I could get my head straight and self-confidence up. People are always freaked out when they find out I have low confidence because how I look!

 

I'm glad you're going for help. That should help considerably and help you towards helping healthy relationships in all aspects of your life.

 

Just know that self-esteem and confidence are not directly related to looks. You can be dropdead gorgeous and incredibly insecure and lacking in self esteem. And you can look like the hunchback of Notre Dame and feel great about yourself. Confidence and self-esteem come from the inside. If you don't have confidence or self-esteem I am probably sure it was from the way you were raised.

[Iakasot]

Lakasot...it would appear that your opinion regarding the OP and his relationship with his gf is in direct opposition to all of the other posters as well as the OP. He is seeking professional help because he knows his anxiety and over thinking is going to drive away this woman who loves him.

Actually, the OP and Amy8177 both agreed with me, and less than 10 people disagreed with me, which is a hardly a statistical sample that's representative of the whole population, hardly enough to constitute "proof". You haven't debunked any of the points I've made about OP's girlfriend. The argument "well, everyone disagrees with you" is a poisoning the well logical fallacy, do you not realize it? I'm not saying OP is perfect, and like most relationships it's probably both of their faults, but you seem to absolve his girlfriend of all responsibility, despite all the questionable behavior on her part. That is troublesome, and might steer OP in the wrong direction. I'm not saying he should be paranoid and controlling and insecure, I'm saying all of those things she did are reasons to break up with her, to keep himself safe. I'm not sure how he'd be able to solve the joint bank account problem though, or whether he'd be able to find a new place to live easily, but all those things should be thought of in advance. She IS gonna leave him, whether he becomes more secure or not, and he should prepare himself for it and maybe even do it first.

[mhowe]

There is no point in arguing with your opinion.

[mhowe]

Thanks, I really hope I could get my head straight and self-confidence up. People are always freaked out when they find out I have low confidence because how I look!

 

The handsomest man I ever dated had the.lowest self esteem.

Won't it be great for you when the inside matches the outside!

And I'll bet that your gf sees your potential!

[johndoe13]

I'm not saying OP is perfect, and like most relationships it's probably both of their faults, but you seem to absolve his girlfriend of all responsibility, despite all the questionable behavior on her part. That is troublesome, and might steer OP in the wrong direction. I'm not saying he should be paranoid and controlling and insecure, I'm saying all of those things she did are reasons to break up with her, to keep himself safe. QUOTE]

 

had another issue this week with my girlfriend and she is very worried that we just can't have smooth happy times because I always bring something up that bothers me. So her is another issue tell me if i'm too sensitive!

 

The things I got angry this week were:

 

- I told her I was low on cash out of the blue, and she told me she was worried! I just wanted to say I was lower than usual. She told me this is unexpected and worrisome given i earn almost twice her salary and work managing money; it worries her that I am not on top of my own accounts. She told me that she was also lower is cash and did not understand why! I was insulted because I feel I pay for at least my share...and more.

- Then she litteraly made me pay for food that I was taking to my mom's bbq...she told me that when we go to her friends parties she pays for us and that this was normal...I told her I did not want a relationship like that...were everything is segregated! I took offense.

- Then when we were heading to my mothers in her car she expressed to me gas was also more expensive for her; this is were I really shut down...and felt extremely angry.

 

- We had a nice day yesterday at her friends house (where she mentioned kids in maybe 2 years!!!) but when we got home she said she was tired and wanted to go to bed at 8:00pm!!! so I went to bed as well and she told her we could chat. I was never able to start a conversation with her eventhough we are 2 weeks away from a trip. She started taking about a story about laundry detergent...which lasted 3 minutes and could not start a conversation!

 

- This morning I told her I was really horny and she just said that we are in different moods in the morning...

 

Anyways I am really confused; I love her but I still feel this ugly gutt feeling and constant feeling that she makes me angry and that I shouldn't trust her...I don't want to break-up with her but need advice. I saw my psy on saturday and it felt good; it was info gathering though.

 

I read some stuff she had in her e-mails and it seems that for sometime 5 years she has wanted to enter a lt relationship and wanted something serious which is good. I seems that she was the one waiting for many of these men to take the long-term relationship plunge but they never did. I wonder if they saw something I am not seeing.

[mhowe]

A few questions:

 

Where is your money going? And if you are in the field of money management, as I am --- I too would be worried that this was "unexpected" by you.

 

You guys are not married, nor have you commingled accounts. Food going to your mothers' house would be your responsibility....as food going to her friends house would be hers. Until this is discussed...taking offense seems pointless. Until you decide to commingle --- it is separate.

 

Why couldn't you start a conversation?

 

And finally -- telling someone you are horny --- how incredibly romantic on a Tues morning before work. Is she a morning person -- because waking up and trying to get ready for work -- well....I can see where she is coming from.

 

I think it really is time for you guys to part. Everything upsets you. And reading her emails....not good.

[Seraphim]

A few questions:

 

Where is your money going? And if you are in the field of money management, as I am --- I too would be worried that this was "unexpected" by you.

 

You guys are not married, nor have you commingled accounts. Food going to your mothers' house would be your responsibility....as food going to her friends house would be hers. Until this is discussed...taking offense seems pointless. Until you decide to commingle --- it is separate.

 

Why couldn't you start a conversation?

 

And finally -- telling someone you are horny --- how incredibly romantic on a Tues morning before work. Is she a morning person -- because waking up and trying to get ready for work -- well....I can see where she is coming from.

 

I think it really is time for you guys to part. Everything upsets you. And reading her emails....not good.

 

I agree 1000%. It is time for you to be alone and figure out your hash.

[johndoe13]

I agree 1000%. It is time for you to be alone and figure out your hash.

 

That is harsh as usual from you two! I just wanted to vent and get advice on what I could do; I must be doing something right because she did mention kids in 2 years for the first time.

 

 

My question was: tell me if i'm too sensitive!

[mhowe]

Ok --- yes, you are too sensitive.

 

And when you tell some stuff here ---- and omit that she wants to start a family in 2 years...you tell a very skewed story.

 

You pick at the most miniscule things -- and completely gloss over the bigger picture.

 

She is worried about your "financial" acumen as you make 2x as much as her, but have "unexpected" shortfall. HUGE>

and yet...you have no answer.

 

She wants to start a family --- you don't mention it.

 

You snoop her emails --- and seem to think it is okay.

 

You are all over the map.

[Seraphim]

That is harsh as usual from you two! I just wanted to vent and get advice on what I could do; I must be doing something right because she did mention kids in 2 years for the first time.

 

 

My question was: tell me if i'm too sensitive!

No, it is not harsh. But, yes, you are entirely too sensitive. You HAVE to learn to communicate. You HAVE to get a handle on your severe lack of self esteem. And you have to STOP looking for validation that everything she is doing is wrong and you are in no way at fault. What you want is for people to tell you she is all wrong. It is good that you are going back to your psychologist but the aim in life is gain responsibility for ourselves and yes that includes how we communicate and how we feel. You want to throw that all on her. Every Time you ask for advice it is because you have not taken responsibility for anything.

 

It takes two to tango in a relationship.

 

Why don't the two of you go to couples counseling and learn some communication skills because lack of proper communication skills and not taking responsibility is the biggest relationship killer out there.

[johndoe13]

No, it is not harsh. But, yes, you are entirely too sensitive. You HAVE to learn to communicate. QUOTE]

 

Ok yesterday I arrive at the house and she greated me nicely. However, as she started cooking for us (she has this whole week) I noticed her getting more and more irritated and her mind was elsewhere. She asked me which package or seasoning to prepare so I chose; then she said that she had not prepared the ingredients for that recipe...anyways she did not like her food and I ended up eating alone in front of her, she did not talk a lot.

 

We went out for a walk I and told her I was worried she did not look happy and that I am worried about our future. I also told her (when she told me I can't wait to be on vacation) that it was sad because every day should be fun. She basically told me she feels that she is always doing things for the house and it worries her if we have kids. She wants to do other things besides house work. She also told me (indirectly) that I did not do enough in the house so it affected her mood. She wants me to be more proactive with the house. I on the other hand try to do things, but either it is not frequent enough or she tells me before I get a chance to get to it.

 

What was also weird is that I asked her if her feelings for me changed and she took a while to answer...she said no, but because since I'm always tired...I'm having a hard time getting close to you... the night ended with a nice chat (no sex though since 6 days) however this morning she was very quiet again.

 

Anyways I feel ok right now, but have no clue what is going through her head.

[Seraphim]

How could you have no clue she told you. She wants you to pick up your game around the house.

[johndoe13]

How could you have no clue she told you. She wants you to pick up your game around the house.

 

Ranting again and more questions:

 

What I am trying to understand is:

 

Why would she want to go ahead in buying propery with me YET still be so concerned about the following:

 

- Will I be like his mom, do everything for him if we ever have kids.I feel like his maid

- Does he make financially sound decisions; he makes more money than me but he seems to have as much

 

- Is he ever going to lead in the relationship

- When will he be become needy again

- Why do we lose the connection we have so much

 

As you know I've read some of her past e-mails. I saw that she is in love frequently. There was this guy (who she thought was the one) that apparently was too anxious and not ready. Based on what she wrote he was questioning similar things that I questionned and he was breaking it off; he was anxious all the time. I think an issue was that he did not see her opening up. So I guess that I'm not totally crazy.

 

My feeling is that I never feel secure in the relationship and that something bad is going to happen. It's really bad! I'm still very attracted to her but at times I feel that maybe I'm not what she is looking for (a really assertive guy with a lot of ambition). I have already asked her this question and she said she is NOT attracted to that type of guy)...even though in MY head she is!

She is a weird girl...I would say she is really the cranky, short fused girl but tries to be nicer. She is very critical, high expectations and not very compasionnate with people if they do not perform...yet with animals she is caring. She falls is love quite quickly but has always been looking for something serious yet she knew if she wanted to have fun and has had her fun.

 

Sometimes I wonder if I am just too nice and should play game (reducing availability)...

[agent1607307371]

Has she said anything about property recently? Because I do not think she will be doing it now, especially if your finances are worrying her.

 

 

Also, you've moved in with her. It's too late to be playing juvenile games.

 

I agree with the above comment. You need to be on your own and get yourself together.

[johndoe13]

Has she said anything about property recently? Because I do not think she will be doing it now, especially if your finances are worrying her.

 

 

Also, you've moved in with her. It's too late to be playing juvenile games.

 

I agree with the above comment. You need to be on your own and get yourself together.

 

Yes, actually she was looking at some house decoration & tables when I got home yesterday. I also noticed she looked at the builder's websire...so the answer is yes. What I have noticed is that she is not as excited as she once was...She also said the line when I move...then I said what do you mean when you move...she then said when we move to the condo...

 

My problem is mostly her body language like if she is not excited about anything...although she plans stuff. Sometimes she talks like if she was single (I usually travel...) I'm really sure i'm not crazy by the way...I know when a girl is excited about things...if it were the case I would not worry at all trust me!

[lune]

You need to listen to her more and put trust in what she says. If she says something, have faith in it. Do you know how frustrating and difficult it is to be constantly doubted and disbelieved at every turn? Stop worrying about what "girls" are like and look at her for who she is as a human. Try to actually understand and trust her. If you can't even trust her on a basic level than you're not being "too nice"-- in fact some your behavior sounds quite manipulative and passive-aggressive.