Does rational girlfriend mean she is settling?

[Seraphim]

Can you tell me why you say this?

 

Because you don't trust her any which way to Tuesday. And you don't believe she loves you even though she's told you. That is not a healthy relationship at all whatsoever.

[Doc Blaze]

you play way too many scenarios in your head

[johndoe13]

Because you don't trust her any which way to Tuesday. And you don't believe she loves you even though she's told you. That is not a healthy relationship at all whatsoever.

 

I agree, I think I just really lack self-esteem! I had a surprise divorce with my ex of 11 years, my mom let someone abuse us mentally for years, and overall I am don't have clear boundries and I'm 38? My current relationshipi has taken a hit on my friends (i don'T see them as much because I always want to be with my girlfriend), work (because I'm always thinking of her) and on me because I had even lower self-esteem than when I started. I am seing a psy this week. I am at a low point with occasional light suicidal thoughts but nothing major because I think I have yet to become a man. Thanks for your advice.

[johndoe13]

Just to add one more thing which I found weird. On the day we had this argument, we started kissing and ended-up doing make-up sex, while doing it I heard sobbing, and she was crying. I continued, then after I was over I asked why were you crying, she said she did not know!!! Any experience with this?

 

I told myself to give her a break (of my needy moments) and to focus more on me for a while and let her come to me...hopefully we will be better off if I could pull this off. But the buttom line is that I need to let go and trust her...

[Seraphim]

I agree your anxiety issues and esteem issues would probably be something to talk about in therapy. I am doing the same for some of my own issues. We all have to learn to soothe our self and not have the expectation that somebody else is going to do it for us. And I know it is very hard to learn to self soothe. It is a very difficult thing to learn how to do when you're very afraid and anxious. We want other people to make us feel better. But that is a heavy expectation to put upon somebody else and it is really unrealistic. Because that sets us up for failure and people letting us down. And then the whole cycle starts over again. This is why people really need to learn to self soothe. It is a very vital skill. And you will never be happy in any relationship unless you learn how to do it.

[johndoe13]

I've been reading avoidant (her) versus anxious attached personality theories and stories and I'm scared it applies for my couple since it seems that I am not necessarily the problem. I frequently feel like we get hot then cold. When I notice it gets cold I usually question something I notice and it turns into an argument.

 

Therefore can rational mean avoidant???

 

By the way for the first 4 month of dating she gave me big hints she wanted major commitment. I was confused because you only commit when you know for sure you are totally in love. Yet, eventhough we had said the I love yous and started looking at condos, I still felt she was not 100% committed (ex: not confortable holding hands in public, wandering eyes, ...)

[mhowe]

Good grief!

She is NOT avoidant. She.is SECURE.

You are the poster boy for ANXIOUS.

 

And if you don't get a grip you are going to be single...

[Seraphim]

I've been reading avoidant (her) versus anxious attached personality theories and stories and I'm scared it applies for my couple since it seems that I am not necessarily the problem. I frequently feel like we get hot then cold. When I notice it gets cold I usually question something I notice and it turns into an argument.

 

Therefore can rational mean avoidant???

 

By the way for the first 4 month of dating she gave me big hints she wanted major commitment. I was confused because you only commit when you know for sure you are totally in love. Yet, eventhough we had said the I love yous and started looking at condos, I still felt she was not 100% committed (ex: not confortable holding hands in public, wandering eyes, ...)

 

Why are you take taking no ownership of anything in this relationship?

[Iakasot]

Three possible explanations for her crying could be that 1) she feels guilty about not being into you as much as you are into her. 2) She feels trapped from settling for you rather than for those guys who electrified her with desire and made her want to be clingy 3) she feels low about herself for having sex with someone she's not attracted to. I can't think of a "positive" reason for her crying during sex, can you? People here are quick to blame you, but it seems like she was never really that into you, and just told you what you wanted to hear. I'm guessing you told her how insecure you were about the divorce, she knew what she was getting into. But like you said, her going hot and cold a lot is a big red flag.

Just to add one more thing which I found weird. On the day we had this argument, we started kissing and ended-up doing make-up sex, while doing it I heard sobbing, and she was crying. I continued, then after I was over I asked why were you crying, she said she did not know!!! Any experience with this?

 

I told myself to give her a break (of my needy moments) and to focus more on me for a while and let her come to me...hopefully we will be better off if I could pull this off. But the buttom line is that I need to let go and trust her...

[pl3asehelp]

You are extremely insecure and needy. She is emotionally healthy and not dependent on you, which is a healthy , not just rational, approach to relationships. You need some therapy or you'll never have a lasting relationship.

 

She was crying because she's decided to break up with you but just hasn't told you yet And feels bad. You drove her away.

[amy8177]

Totally disagree with what everyone is saying. She is yielding power. WAKE UP and SMELL the COFFEE. She knows you are crazy about her and she loves it. She doesn't have to go "crazy" as she once has in the past, hellooooo don't you see that?

 

You make her feel secure so that she can be loved, but in doing so, you don't feel loved. She doesn't want to show her love because what if she does and you end up bolting like the other guys or you start treating her like crap??

 

I have been her before so I know this was what was going through my mind. I always said once he knows how much I love him ----GAME OVER to him and he will be gone and guess what??? 99.9 % of the time that is exactly what happened.

 

I have been accused of being "needy", "emotionally volatile" or "crazy" but guess why????? Because they friggen put my back against the wall and emotionally tortured me exactly how she is doing to you. These men wouldn't say I miss you, I love you, they wouldn't hold me, they wouldn't talk about feelings, they wouldn't chase me as they once had in the beginning....and guess why???? Because they knew I loved them deeply and truly and madly and would have done anything for them ------and they didn't have to reciprocate because they knew I would be there...but guess what also happened????

 

Each and every one of them ALWAYS 100% came back -----begging for my forgiveness and wanting to get back together when I go to an emotional breaking point and I couldn't take it anymore. As soon as I left and I moved on, within months...sometimes even years later they have never let go.

 

She is no different than what I described above. She does love you and guess what she is incredibly weak because she is scared if she shows you how much you will leave her or reject her... but what she doesn't understand and what the men in my life didn't understand is that when you push some one so much to the point where they feel so hated or worthless or rejected, then the door closes for good.

 

What she is doing is atoning to a self fulfilling prophecy. She is scared you will leave, so she is a closed book----but she doesn't understand that she is actually driving you away in the process... so in the end she finds herself left by you ----essentially the very LAST thing she wants.

 

It's rather sick when you think about it and most definitely very very sad.

[Seraphim]

^ Not everyone is a game player you know.

[mhowe]

This could not be more off base. OP's gf has a secure and mature emotional base. OP does not and neither did/does this poster. She is as anxious as the OP.

 

What both of you need to realize is that a mature love is based on honesty and trust and compassion... three emotions and states.of being that simply are not in your lexicon.

[amy8177]

This could not be more off base. OP's gf has a secure and mature emotional base. OP does not and neither did/does this poster. She is as anxious as the OP.

 

What both of you need to realize is that a mature love is based on honesty and trust and compassion... three emotions and states.of being that simply are not in your lexicon.

 

I respectively disagree. I do not believe she is secure in the very least and I DO believe she is what I described above, but only the owner of this post knows deep down what she is really like and he can be the only one to judge.

[Iakasot]

Yeah, let's ignore the fact that she goes hot and cold a lot, and has a history of being clingy with previous boyfriends. It's easy to not be clingy with someone you're NOT ATTRACTED to, trust me. Doesn't take an emotionally stable person to not be clingy in that situation. I do agree with you that amy's post is WRONG, OP's girlfriend will most likely leave him, it's not gonna be him leaving her.

This could not be more off base. OP's gf has a secure and mature emotional base. OP does not and neither did/does this poster. She is as anxious as the OP.

 

What both of you need to realize is that a mature love is based on honesty and trust and compassion... three emotions and states.of being that simply are not in your lexicon.

[amy8177]

Yeah, let's ignore the fact that she goes hot and cold a lot, and has a history of being clingy with previous boyfriends. It's easy to not be clingy with someone you're NOT ATTRACTED to, trust me. Doesn't take an emotionally stable person to not be clingy in that situation. I do agree with you that amy's post is WRONG, OP's girlfriend will most likely leave him, it's not gonna be him leaving her.

 

THANK YOU Iakasot.... you know what I am talking about baby! Yet, she is attracted to him, no denying that...she is just now treading in unfamiliar territory with a man as open and loving as the owner of this post. She doesn't know how to act! It's possible she may be acting like this because she only wants the men that don't want her....and that is NOT SECURE. So kudos to you for identifying that so well.

[Iakasot]

I think you're misunderstanding me. It is my understanding that she likely goes hot and cold a lot, because she wants to keep him around, but isn't attracted to him, so she's forcing the hotness. Then she feels bad about what she's doing. Read my previous post in this topic about potential reasons for her crying.

THANK YOU Iakasot.... you know what I am talking about baby! Yet, she is attracted to him, no denying that...she is just now treading in unfamiliar territory with a man as open and loving as the owner of this post. She doesn't know how to act! It's possible she may be acting like this because she only wants the men that don't want her....and that is NOT SECURE. So kudos to you for identifying that so well.

[pl3asehelp]

Yeah, let's ignore the fact that she goes hot and cold a lot, and has a history of being clingy with previous boyfriends. It's easy to not be clingy with someone you're NOT ATTRACTED to, trust me. Doesn't take an emotionally stable person to not be clingy in that situation. I do agree with you that amy's post is WRONG, OP's girlfriend will most likely leave him, it's not gonna be him leaving her.

 

She used to be needy and clingy, then realized how wrong that was and grew up to have the healthy outlook she is showing now. His behavior will most def drive her away, as it should.

[Capricorn3]

OP: Continue with your smothering, insecure behavior and be prepared to lose her. She's going to hit her limit with you one of these days. You're pushing her away and it's all your own doing. Self-fulfilling prophecy and all that jazz.

[johndoe13]

I respectively disagree. I do not believe she is secure in the very least and I DO believe she is what I described above, but only the owner of this post knows deep down what she is really like and he can be the only one to judge.

 

I get with you assessment of her because I really give too much so there is no need to panick of her side since I've always shown 100% commitment. The things is that because I feel she is a closed book she is always hiding something (feelings or information) so trusting is hard. However, eventhough I am sure she loves me the biggest things that bother me are:

- Her wondering eyes; makes me feels like she is on the look out; she has decreased this since I called her on it a month and a half ago

- The fact that most of our passionate discussions result only from me tamtrums; or when major projects are undertaken

 

Also her crying when we made up in our last fight really scared me; specially with what to fellow posters say. She said she did not know why she was crying???

 

I'm scared because I am having a hard time seeing how I could live with someone that is not 100% emotionally committed to me. We have lived together since december and I don

 

I'm really more confused than anything but I hope your assessment is right and that she will open up more and quickly.

 

On one hand I have people and my brain sometimes telling me she is using me for security, condo..I have made a lot of moves to show my commitment to her; moving in her apt, buying furniture together, opening a shared saving account... I once told her that I would love her forever and she said that it was hard for her to say that because it is a big statement...but yet you are buying a condo? Instead now she uses the term for a long-time...

On the other I have people saying she loves me and my brain feels it most of the time; she could be with someone else...

[Seraphim]

What would she be using YOU for? A condo? Didn't you just say you moved into HER apartment? If you moved into HER apartment I don't think she's using you. I am also assuming she has her own form of employment since she's at a conference. So I gather she won't be using you there either.

 

Seriously ,I don't think you are emotionally ready for a relationship at all. You have far too many deep-seated trust and anxiety issues. And you are projecting a lot of your issues on to her. She was probably crying because she's upset she has to go through this crap over and over.

[agent1607307371]

With the info I have she has had sex with about 16+ guys I have had 10max (including) 5 I paid.

 

So assuming she's been active for 10 years that would be... still not a lot.

 

Whereas you have bought half the women you've had sex with, but think this isn't as bad.

 

I honestly think you need to seek some therapy or something because you don't seem able to be in a secure relationship at all.

[johndoe13]

What would she be using YOU for? A condo? Didn't you just say you moved into HER apartment? If you moved into HER apartment I don't think she's using you. I .

 

 

Condo means investing in purchasing a home; she has always wanted to own property.

[johndoe13]

Honestly I don't know what I'm doing here...I feel like I'm going crazy. I ask everybody about their opinions (work, friends, family...) and their getting fed up of me like some people here; I constantly feel like crying.

 

For example my girlfriend went to a conference yesterday out of town, and we talk last night on the phone. She had to wake up really early for the conference...but I am ticked that she did not take 20 seconds to text me goodmorning...because I would have done it...I have not sent her anything on purpose because I want to start pulling back a little and what to start focusing on myself...don't know if it will backfire but I have to pull-away without getting emotional and see if she reacts.

[mhowe]

I don't think you are capable of pulling away. And she isn't going to notice because her love is not needy. Her love and outlook is secure.

Getting a "good morning" text is not something that she is focused on -- she is focused on the conference.

 

She will think you are finally "getting it" --- and what you are actually doing is pouting and hoping she will notice.

 

Really, JD13 --- you should pull out of this relationship and seek therapy. It isn't supposed to be this hard.