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Does rational girlfriend mean she is settling?

johndoe13

By johndoe13
in Relationship Advice

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johndoe13 Contributor

johndoe13

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Ever try to think of positive things when your thinking negative thoughts...

 

 

Bro to be honest your a lot of work and tiring..if i had a gf who did this everyday i dont know if i would be able to handle it

 

I've tried but it's hard when it's more of a feeling I have when I see her behaviour rather than thoughts!

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mhowe Proficient

mhowe

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I think you hit the nail on the head with the "disenchanted with my character".

 

Try being fun. Try to stop playing games...(reducing availability). Try telling HER that you understand what you are doing wrong, and are trying to get a handle on it.

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Liraele Community Regular

Liraele

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It sounds like, more than anything else, you need time to heal yourself and fill that empty place with good things outside of a relationship. It's hard to have a healthy relationship when your (figurative) heart isn't healthy.

 

Confidence, security, emotional stability, self-worth, values - all of those things must be built outside of the relationship. Otherwise, when the relationship crumbles, so does that foundation. You shouldn't go back to square one every time a relationship fails, or even when a relationship struggles. Those struggles, those lessons, should be another brick that you lay on top of the foundation.

 

Right now, you're walking on a crumbling, unsteady foundation. More cracks are appearing with every breach of trust - and it's not her breaching that trust, it's you.

 

See what everything ties back to? You.

 

This is why it is so very important to build yourself up first. Quality relationships with others come after a quality relationship with yourself.

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mhowe Proficient

mhowe

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The difference is that a healthy person can take the occasional reassurance as a "boost" but then go back to being self-sufficient. People who are chronically insecure turn into vampires that just need more and more and more....

 

This was in someone else's thread ==== but it applies to your situation.

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johndoe13 Contributor

johndoe13

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The difference is that a healthy person can take the occasional reassurance as a "boost" but then go back to being self-sufficient. People who are chronically insecure turn into vampires that just need more and more and more....

 

This was in someone else's thread ==== but it applies to your situation.

 

I'll have to say that you are correct. Eventhough she gives me a lot more than before it seems it always falls short and she feels like it's not enough because I keep bringing something up. It's crazy because in my previous relationship I was not even close to being or feeling like this. I'm a lot more into my girlfriend than my ex-wife so all these feelings are new and i'm constantly afraid of losing her. The thing is that I'm very physically attracted to her and in a sick way she also makes me feel like my step father growing up; like if she is constantly judging me in her head; she has a rough personality (she rarely acts girly) at least with me which I hate at the same time. Anyways, I think the fact that i'm always available and at home does not help. I miss her e-mailing that she misses or texting me something other than buy this and that... She really does not know what it is to be without me...also she feels that she has little time for her eventhough I don'T force anything on her....Unfortunately, I can't break up with her it's too hard for me...it would take her admitting to cheating or that she does not love me anymore or me clearly seeing the signs! I will have to work on myself while in the relationship; which is why I ask for your help, because I think I'll end up crazy and alone if I continue the way I am thinking. I go from I feel that she loves me to I' being used in a matter of hours...

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johndoe13 Contributor

johndoe13

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How are you being used?

 

My NEGATIVE head says the following:

- She's had a real hard time getting men to commit; she gives in quite easily; she told me once you have no idea how hard it is to meet guys that want to commit (relationship)

- She has a y temper; bad manners at times; she is not the kind type and she is a control freak which she sees I tolerate; she has an avoidant personality; so many guys get turn-off and use her for sex.

- She values money; she does not make a lot. I make double so she can afford a new house now and could still travel; whereas it was one or the other before

- Two of her best friends were cheating on their mates! One of them is still married because of a house!!!

- She really wants kids she just won't confirm that with me; she says she is thinking about it; I think she is not confirming in case it does not work out; so she is also unsure about the realationship

 

So my head tells me if it weren't for the high salary (steady provider) and that I am committed all the way I would not be in the picture!

 

Just my current logic

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mhowe Proficient

mhowe

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From all you have posted about her, which is our only source of information,

 

1. She is not avoidant. She is Secure.

2. She does not have hard time getting men to commit --- the men have a hard time committing.

3. Have seen no sign of temper. She gets frustrated at you and your behaviors.

4. You are currently living with her -- not the other way around. She has to budget her money. That is reality.

5. She is thinking about having kids === right now, having them with you would be insane.

 

Not sure what finding you handsome has to do with your negative thoughts.

 

But dude === you need wayyyyy more sessions w/ your psych.

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johndoe13 Contributor

johndoe13

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From all you have posted about her, which is our only source of information,

 

1. She is not avoidant. She is Secure.

2. She does not have hard time getting men to commit --- the men have a hard time committing.

3. Have seen no sign of temper. She gets frustrated at you and your behaviors.

4. You are currently living with her -- not the other way around. She has to budget her money. That is reality.

5. She is thinking about having kids === right now, having them with you would be insane.

 

Not sure what finding you handsome has to do with your negative thoughts.

 

But dude === you need wayyyyy more sessions w/ your psych.

 

I agree that having kids with me would be insane right now because I almost not functional at the moment; at least out of the house! I thought a realtionship made you better not worse...that is what i'm trying to change...but it's so hard to change this tide!!!

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johndoe13 Contributor

johndoe13

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Do you question your gf on something everyday?

 

No not everyday but it's becoming a recurring thing; and I believe she may think it's everyday.

 

I've questioned her on:

 

- You seem bored out of your mind; you don't find me interesting or funny.

- I feel you don't aknowledge me when I'm around. Stonewalling while eating.

- You never compliment me on anything

- I don't feel you are crazy about me or passionate

- You don't initiate sex anymore

- You were staring a a guy (happened once that I mentioned it);

- I feel you are distant (several times)

- Why don't you hold my hand (several times-not an issue since 2 weeks)

 

On her side don't take the lead; planning activities

-you don't smile enough

-I'm not updated with general news...

- I feel i'm constantly doing house chores

- you are not too concerned with cleaning

- I'm worried on how you handle your money

 

Basically these are the issues that have created tension.

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johndoe13 Contributor

johndoe13

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Serious issues in your relationship:

Communication

Finances

Household responsibility

Affection

 

What is.surprising is that you are still together!

I guess...but finances (not really an issue)

Communication (issue for me but not with her)

Affection (issue for me but no for her)

Household responsability (not an issue that is uncommon but i've dealt with it)

The thing is that I could accept if she really does not need to talk a lot, but for some reason I don't buy it because i've seem her talk a lot with certain people and when she is interested!!!.

Affection is a huge one, although she does cuddle and touches me a lot, and sex with me (now about 2 times a week for the last 2 weeks - was 3 times) I'm afraid of it dwindling to nothing as time progresses...

 

So any less affection or communication and i'm pulling the plug. Our trip will be a make or break for sure.

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johndoe13 Contributor

johndoe13

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Dude...you are the problem, not her. You will be lucky to survive the vacation and.of.it.wasn't already planned and.paid for...you might have been packing up anyway.

 

Maybe your are right. But if she is so sane and I'm so insane why does she still want to buy a house with me???

 

I need you to anwer this please!!!

 

Yesterday we took a picture of the grounds were the development will be built! I'll keep you posted I hope you are wrong and things turn out well for us.

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johndoe13 Contributor

johndoe13

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I have no idea. Seriously... no idea.

 

If you are right then I have no idea either...what worries me is why i'm always so anxious...and why my gutt feeling has alarms going on all the time (see comments on things I found of her past)!

 

Last time I checked her email (she did not log off) there was an e-mail of 7 years ago with her inviting herself to an old crush's city to meet-up and she told him that the could spend the night together and do more if he wanted. He told her that she was always as direct as before (he did not really respond to her invitation). Obviously I found that disgusting! Also had read of 2 of her friends cheating on their mates...unfortunately i'm paying the price for snooping!

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johndoe13 Contributor

johndoe13

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He isn't big on personal responsibility. If she knew he was snooping AGAIN I am thinking she would throw in the towel.

 

No I didn't. And yes I think she would throw in the towel because she would feel insulted that don't fully trust her and create an additional layer of problems. Again I did it because I do not want to get hurt and I was anxious because sometimes I find her behaviour odd and thought it would be the only way to calm my mind...it did the opposite actually!

 

I don't want to sound like i'm defending myself but I leave my facebook and yahoo and don't care if she bothers looking at it because there is nothing to hide on my side. If she told me she snooped I would not really be angry and if she found something ackward I would just explain it.

 

Anyways, today she left in the morning and for the first time we haven't e-mail communicated via e-mail or text or phone...I told her about my anxiety at work and she did not bother sending a how are you doing e-mail...I guess i'm asking for too much...

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