Ms Darcy Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 I am also pretty sure that when feeling neglected (and this is 99% of the time) he would on purpose instigate a row to have a rise from his girlfriend, so that he receives another portion of oh-so-desired attention. Even if it is negative. And I think that is the crux of emotional abuse ... which I agree that he has become emotionally abusive. It's nearly impossible to just 'quit drinking' (or 'stop having episodes') one day. It happens but usually after hitting rock bottom. I don't see a rock bottom here yet. Link to comment
mmnyc5052 Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 I know this is an older thread....but I just wanted to comment because, though maybe not QUITE as severe, john doe13 I have been doing the same thing to my boyfriend and I, too have come on here multiple times looking for advice (genuinely, yes, advice, but I do wonder if East4 has a point -- perhaps subconsciously I crave that reassurance and attention even here?!). This behavior, and I speak from experience, is torturous. Not just for your girlfriend -- I'm sure you know inside it's eating you alive. From what I have read she hasn't done REALLY anything to make you behave like this. My boyfriend never really did anything to make me think my anxiety and paranoia was warranted, yet I still had the issue. I sought out therapy. I am in it now, and it is a slow moving train but it's one that is going in the right direction. Through the help of all the kind people - or bluntly helpful people - on this board, and my therapy, I have seen how destructive this insecurity can be. Your girlfriend is exhausted. If you want to keep her, surely you want a healthy, loving relationship. If you continue like this, it will blow up in your face. Of course I am in no position to give full fledged advice here but I just wanted to say, from one insecure and paranoid person to another -- you HAVE to try, whether it's therapy, finding other things and people to put some energy into, etc. Just like you need to stop hounding your gf about EVERYTHING, I too need to stop hounding my bf. This behavior will push them away. Try to put yourself in her shoes; that's what I did. Or try to do. Whenever I have a negative thought, or am paranoid, I am trying to learn to take a step back, and DON'T REACT IMMEDIATELY!! Breathe. Deep breaths. Reacting immediately will inevitably cause a fight. I wish you luck. I know how it feels to be on your side of the court. And I also thank everyone in this thread for opening my eyes as well - my boyfriend tells me how exhausting it is and how I've drained him and i didn't really realize how bad it is until I read some of your responses. Link to comment
johndoe13 Posted August 6, 2013 Author Share Posted August 6, 2013 To give you a summary as promised since I came back from my vacation with girlfriend. The 2 week vacation was bitter sweet. Sweet because I felt close at times with her and bitter because of the following: 1) At times I felt that many times we were simply walking without talking; I was annoyed with her keeping inside everything that distracted her...she is not very participative with information. 2) I caught her half smiling at a bartender (I did not say anything but it was obvious) and caught her staring at guys that looked good.I confronted her about 3 times about her doing this in a nice way (saying that it hurt me that she made it so obvious) and she denied it... and left a cold feeling for a couple of hours each time. I never confronted her about the half smile she gave to the waiter; I should have gotten up and left. 3) We scuba dived for the first time with her (not her first time) and she literraly stayed behind me (where she was not visible) for the first dive. I felt alone and had no interaction with her (not looking at fish together). Another couple of divers were showing me the fish. The diving instructor even told us to stay together in the next dive. Anyways I felt like if we did not really connect as much as we should have from such a vacation. When her friend who picked her up at the airport said so how was the trip!!! She said not that bad... Now i'm back and she has been looking for property for a week. Actually the same day we came back from vacation her efforts to get into a property ramped up which I found absurd since we had jet lag and issues in our trip. She told me that I did not seem eager about not finding a property.Even after we had an argument on the issue (that I can't sleep because I like sleeping close to her) she was asking herself if she should take a personal day to her self because she felt like she was neglecting herself...she started looking for property again after a few hours of our argument. I also noted in vacation that she held my hand everytime a couple holding hands was in front of us...well I asked her and she said that yes she was doing it consiciously because she know I like it. She does not see a problem beause she does it to make me happy. I'm just sad she does not do it because she wants to... Anyways, I'm currently feeling a little distant from her since I feel that she may definitely be settling and that potentially we are not compatible in the long-run. As well the property search keeps going so this may be increasing my anxiety...Again I don't seek attention just want to document what I feel and if someone has recommendation they are welcome. Link to comment
annie24 Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 She doesn't sound very demonstrative. The vacation was "not bad?" I would think a diving vacation would be spectacular! "Not bad" is what you say about a burrito. :S i would hold off on buy property together until you feel like you are more solid. Link to comment
mhowe Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 You are living with her, right? Are you buying the place together --- or is she buying it herself? That would answer a lot of questions as to the speed she is moving.... Link to comment
johndoe13 Posted August 6, 2013 Author Share Posted August 6, 2013 You are living with her, right? Are you buying the place together --- or is she buying it herself? That would answer a lot of questions as to the speed she is moving.... I moved into her rented place 8 months ago...We are buying the place together. She would not be able to afford the place on her own... Link to comment
mhowe Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 Then it seems kinda pointless for her to be out looking without you. You are going to have to see a place before you buy it, right? Or have you changed your mind about buying a place with her? Link to comment
johndoe13 Posted August 6, 2013 Author Share Posted August 6, 2013 Then it seems kinda pointless for her to be out looking without you. You are going to have to see a place before you buy it, right? Or have you changed your mind about buying a place with her? No, we are looking together. However, she is TOTALLY obsessed with the process were she is talking about this 24/7. She does not really think back and talk about the trip we just had or other topics of discussion. She actually tells me that I am not into the house searching as I should be...but the truth is that I can't SEPARATE how I feel (basic relationship problems) with the investment or HOME major commitment. My biggest fear with her is what IAKASOT says about her settling and later potentially being cheated on in a couple of years. Link to comment
mhowe Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 You haven't asked her to be your finance, so I would think that she is just thinking of buying a place with you. Which would be a mistake. I think you need to tell her that you don't have enough confidence in your compatability to purchase a home together. She is just spinning her wheels. Link to comment
johndoe13 Posted August 6, 2013 Author Share Posted August 6, 2013 You haven't asked her to be your finance, so I would think that she is just thinking of buying a place with you. Which would be a mistake. I think you need to tell her that you don't have enough confidence in your compatability to purchase a home together. She is just spinning her wheels. To be my finance? or you meant fiance? Could you explain why this has anything to do with her behaviour? I'm being honest, I do not understand. Link to comment
mhowe Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 Yes, I meant fiance. I am in "finance" so my fingers spelled it automatically!! Because buying a house together is a huge commitment. Even if you were "just friends", it is a huge commitment. Because once you own it together....you cannot sell if the other person doesn't want to. Because who else would buy your half? And if she cannot afford to buy it by herself, there is no point in wasting time looking at them. Link to comment
johndoe13 Posted August 6, 2013 Author Share Posted August 6, 2013 I hear you I'm in finance too. I think the seriousness of the commitment is getting clearer each day and the closer we get into. Honestly, I am looking to make her happy with the house buying and I'm also flattered with her commitment...to me a house is a place where I will simply live and that is all. It is nice to own but it won't make our couple stronger (I told her this). The added value of buying a house is really not that great and the feeling of ownership dies quickly at least with me BUT what adds value to MY life is SHARING activities, talking about experiences and communicating feelings and I'm starting to get a feeling I won't get any of these on a consistent basis from her because of differences in personalities. ALSO, I on the other hand (due to inexperience and having small cohones) have not set my boundries clearly, nor established what I expect, nor have I maintained my identity and nor acted with conviction on her HOE TYPE behaviour (which is why she has not maintained many normal relationships); therefore for a year she has had the upper hand (dominant one) and I have been the one feeling neglected and sometimes abused and have taken the biggest risks in the relationship. Why do I do all this, because I SHE has a nice ass I GUESS and I don'T respect myself enough to leave when someone does not show me respect...kinda how my step father treated me and my ex at one point. So do I take responsability, 100% because I could walk away now if I wanted. Link to comment
mhowe Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 ok. Just so you are clear on the concept. Link to comment
Iakasot Posted August 10, 2013 Share Posted August 10, 2013 Why haven't you left her yet? Link to comment
Lito Posted August 10, 2013 Share Posted August 10, 2013 Well, I for one fully agree with you, have from the beginning. Link to comment
johndoe13 Posted August 12, 2013 Author Share Posted August 12, 2013 Why haven't you left her yet? It weird. One is that she always does or says something that makes me fall in love with her. I also do believe she is in love with me. But I don't know why I go from secure with her to totally anxious during the same day. Link to comment
johndoe13 Posted August 23, 2013 Author Share Posted August 23, 2013 Question? For those that have read my posts has anyone found there are some signs of BPD or Narcissism? Just curious IF anybody here is a psychologist or expert in human behaviour? Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted August 23, 2013 Share Posted August 23, 2013 Question? For those that have read my posts has anyone found there are some signs of BPD or Narcissism? Just curious IF anybody here is a psychologist or expert in human behaviour? Any qualified professional would only diagnose a patient (either you or her) after in-person treatment and not over posts on a forum. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted August 23, 2013 Share Posted August 23, 2013 Any qualified professional would only diagnose a patient (either you or her) after in-person treatment and not over posts on a forum. Yup. To diagnose somebody over the Internet is completely unethical and immoral. Link to comment
mhowe Posted August 23, 2013 Share Posted August 23, 2013 True narcissists or borderlines are very rare. What is common, however, is to ascribe these traits to people who don't act as one would want them to... Link to comment
Flywest29 Posted August 24, 2013 Share Posted August 24, 2013 Question? For those that have read my posts has anyone found there are some signs of BPD or Narcissism? Just curious IF anybody here is a psychologist or expert in human behaviour? No but a lot of people on here think they are. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted August 24, 2013 Share Posted August 24, 2013 Question? For those that have read my posts has anyone found there are some signs of BPD or Narcissism? Are you asking about yourself or your gf? Link to comment
johndoe13 Posted August 26, 2013 Author Share Posted August 26, 2013 Are you asking about yourself or your gf? Hi either was good, I was just curious because I've stumbled accross these personality traits a lot! Not really looking for an "official" diagnostic... For me I think I have an attachment disorder but I'm not 100% sure. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted August 26, 2013 Share Posted August 26, 2013 Nobody on here can diagnose anything. Not least because they're not professionals. I do think you'd do well working with a therapist though. Link to comment
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