Does rational girlfriend mean she is settling?

[Iggles]

As you know I've read some of her past e-mails. I saw that she is in love frequently.

 

Hmm.. There's a difference between dating frequently and falling in love frequently. The latter would make me worry a little too, because I question the devotion of people who go from LTR to LTR with no breaks in between. Are they truly into their partners for who they are, or does that person mainly fit a role for them -- thus making it easier for them to move on to the next guy/girl once they hit a rough patch? (Aka, once those newness wears off)

 

There was this guy (who she thought was the one) that apparently was too anxious and not ready. Based on what she wrote he was questioning similar things that I questionned and he was breaking it off; he was anxious all the time. I think an issue was that he did not see her opening up. So I guess that I'm not totally crazy.

 

Or it could mean that she has a type. You and the ex may be very similar which is why you both experienced anxiety being with her. It is NOT a smoking gun that shows SHE is at fault for your anxiousness/insecurity in your relationship.

 

My feeling is that I never feel secure in the relationship and that something bad is going to happen. It's really bad! I'm still very attracted to her but at times I feel that maybe I'm not what she is looking for (a really assertive guy with a lot of ambition). I have already asked her this question and she said she is NOT attracted to that type of guy)...even though in MY head she is!

 

Sounds like you two are mismatched.. Ironically, I think you may be an improvement over her Ex whereas compatibility is concerned but you still fall too short to make the relationship work. One of the missing pieces is confidence... You don't feel secure and she can sense that. It's poisoning the well, but your lack of security may be your gut/intuition telling you that you two aren't a good fit.

 

You seem to need a partner who is more affectionate and who you can read well. Nothing wrong with that. I agree with the other posters that you should let her go. Take what you've learned from the relationship and next filter for a woman who will better fulfill your relationship needs.

[johndoe13]

Some developments:

 

We had a Good weekend. She noticed and commented that I react positively when she gives me affection (holding hands in public and mutual caressing in the morning)...we had a discussion and I told her that I did not want to be a cold couple. For example, she noticed that when she let go of my hand after some people were on our path (walking in the mall) and she did not grab it back after we had a free path, I really became cold and unresponsive...I was really pissed! We had a chat I told her the truth, that I persive this lack of need to hold my hand as if she does not love me...it triggered the anger and that I need that attention! She started holding my hand.

 

This morning she woke up but did not really caress each other as usual(it has been on the decline). I asked her if she was planning on cuddling because she was way on her side of the bed with the radio of the alarm on, then she said that she had to get up soon. I got out of bed right away (unusual from my side) and started preparing my clothing for work silently and went back to bed to rest while she got ready for work. She came back to cuddle for 5 minutes. It's weird but I really need this type of affection! Don't know if it's normal. We have a good weekend but I notice changes of routine and behaviour. And when I notice we cuddle less in the mornings it scares me. However, now she holds my hand a lot more than before; no comparaison!

 

Saw Psycologist and told me that generalized anxiety disorder will be an area where we may explore...

 

By the way I come to this forum write the questions I ask myself and not to be judged. If someone could give me helpfull advice and not the easy (just leave her without your story to support it)...it would be appreciated...I'm already worried as it is! I have decided to continue with her despite my fears...if she is playing with me well that would be another pile of life throws at me.

 

You seem to need a partner who is more affectionate and who you can read well. Nothing wrong with that.

 

BTW, i think she can read well. The thing is if she will continue to do the things that make me happy!

[agent1607307371]

Why did you go cold to her instead of taking her hand? Why did you go silent when she said she needed to get up instead of getting up with her?

 

Needing someting isn't wrong, but putting on the other person to do all the initiating is. Eventually that kind of behaviour will drive someone away.

[mhowe]

It is very manipulative behavior --- and if you weren't an adult --- I would liken it to a child pouting or holdings its' breath.

 

While she may be responding now, I think this relationship has an expiration date stamped on it.

[Doc Blaze]

you try to read between the lines on every little thing..your going to drive yourself crazy..push her away and ruin your relationship

[Liraele]

am i just making a bid deal out of nothing and had low self esteem.

 

^This.

 

It sounds like you may have some confidence issues - is there something about yourself that you think is unlovable and is going to drive her away, so you're trying to point it out rather than her figuring it out for herself?

 

We ruin things by questioning them too much, sometimes.

 

Fear of abandonment, fear of loss, a string of bad relationships... there are a lot of different reasons that people do this, but I would definitely recommend trying to find your reasons for trying to sabotage your relationship... and fix it/work through it (or them, if there are several). Otherwise you're going to get the end result that you expect, but don't really want.

[johndoe13]

^This.

 

It sounds like you may have some confidence issues - is there something about yourself that you think is unlovable and is going to drive her away, so you're trying to point it out rather than her figuring it out for herself?

 

We ruin things by questioning them too much, sometimes.

 

Fear of abandonment, fear of loss, a string of bad relationships... there are a lot of different reasons that people do this, but I would definitely recommend trying to find your reasons for trying to sabotage your relationship... and fix it/work through it (or them, if there are several). Otherwise you're going to get the end result that you expect, but don't really want.

 

I agre 100% with you! It does have to do with fear of abandonment and confidence!

[Liraele]

I agre 100% with you! It does have to do with fear of abandonment and confidence!

 

So... what are you going to do about it?

 

 

[johndoe13]

So... what are you going to do about it?

 

 

 

Good questions.

 

First I am seeing a physchologist

I am also trying to shift my mindset from one saying she is using me to one that say she wants to be with me and so would many women; although mhowe would disagree

I'm also letting myself enjoy things and getting them if I want them. Example, I'll grab her hand when I want it; I'll initiate sex when I want it versus waiting for her to do it so I don't get rejected (e.i. taking risks).

I'm also trying to get confortable with the feeling of fear which I hate...

[johndoe13]

Do you know the 5 ways in which love are given?

 

1.Words of affirmation

 

2. Acts of Service

 

3. Giving and or Receiving Gifts

 

4. Quality time

 

5. Physical Touch

 

People value those to different varying degrees. It could be that you are huge on words and affirmations and physical touch and she is big on giving acts of service for example. But because she is not draped over you like a curtain and talking a blue streak you consider that not loving you. Read the book The 5 Languages of Love. Just because she is not speaking YOUR language of love does not mean she does not love you or care.

 

I really agree that this is the key! I'm definitely 1 & 5.

 

She is 4 & 5.

 

She read the book. I have not totally but I understand the concepts.

 

But she rarely does 1 and struggles with 5 at times but now sees how important it is for me.

 

I do a lot of 4 & 5 for her; and it is natural for me.

[johndoe13]

Ok I'm scared today.

 

Yesterday I was really anxious at work caused by me reading a VERY OLD (BEFORE ME) e-mail she had about this guy she said that was great in bed, rocked her world and had everything she wanted in a man... so I started making scenerios that she is settling...the thing is things were going great for a week.

 

I told her last night that since a year I've been having anxiety at work and that I linked it to the relationship. I told her that I did not feel secure and that I had this constant feeling like she will end it everyday. She was surprised and told me she did not understand why since things were going so well this week. She started saying she is sad to see me this way and that she is sad because she now thinks I'm not happy...I told her that generally I am happy but I told her that the anxiety may be due to something in her personality were she does not disclose how she feels...but she feels that she has no clue what to do to make me feel ok and I have not clue what to tell her either.

 

This morning was akward we talked some more and she was very upset (tears and sad) we kissed when we parted with each other cars ; I asked her if we were going out she told me that she would let me know she just wants to calm down ...I'm at work right now and feel that she may be thinking whether to end it or not...my anxiety is through the roof...! We are going on a 2 week vacation in a week to Europe and the the house builder with calls us in a week.

 

I'm not sure if I should e-mail her how I feel or just wait for her to get back to me what do you think? Should I call her?

 

Why can't I feel secure if this relationship?

 

I wanted to let her know about my anxiety because I am having a hard time coping with it and needed to let her now, and to see if she can support me. Maybe I made a mistake!

 

By the way please be nice I really don't feel well.

[annie24]

Yesterday I was really anxious at work caused by me reading an e-mail she had about this guy she said that was great in bed, r

 

can you elaborate? where did you get this email from? was this something she wrote to you, or something she wrote to a friend? i think this is important, and I'd like to understand what is going on.

[annie24]

have you considered going to therapy and getting on medication for your anxiety?

[johndoe13]

It was an e-mail in her account; she forgets to log off sometimes on my computer...and may be part of the reason I get the anxiety.

[annie24]

So you read an email she wrote to a friend? How long ago did she write this email?

[mhowe]

This isn't the first time you have snooped...and I notice you did not tell that.reading.her.emails to someone e.else is what triggered your.anxiety. So first off, you need to be honest with her. Secondly, stop blaming HER PERSONALITY for your anxiety problems.

 

I agree with above.poster...a combination of.therapy and medication is needed to get your.anxiety attacks under control. And you should seriously reconsider buying.a house together.

[agent1607307371]

No. Honestly, I am actually hoping she does break up with you. This is emotional abuse. You abuse her privacy, get anxious and then blame her when it's all your own doing.

 

She deserves better.

 

 

And you need therapy and meds and some time alone to work on yourself.

[johndoe13]

No. Honestly, I am actually hoping she does break up with you. This is emotional abuse. You abuse her privacy, get anxious and then blame her when it's all your own doing.

 

She deserves better.

 

 

And you need therapy and meds and some time alone to work on yourself.

 

You are right maybe she deserves better! I'm such a piece of XXXX. Thanks for your help.

[mhowe]

OP - until you accept responsibility for your behaviors (snooping, constantly questioning, judging) and your reactions (anxiety, feelings of unworthy) you nor anyone.you date will have more than fleeting moments of happiness. This is your issue to address with the help of a trained professional. And as you can see how upset your gf was this morning when you blamed HER personality for your anxiety, it would be.kinder if you did not.date anyone until you address your issues.

[Doc Blaze]

You are right maybe she deserves better! I'm such a piece of XXXX. Thanks for your help.

 

you need to control your issues and stop putting yourself in situations then blaming it on your anxiety..maybe it is..

but your putting yourself in that situation.

 

what have you done to improve your situation?

 

you keep on saying i hope she supports me..how are you support or encouraging her needs?

[Ms Darcy]

I agree with agent. I finf the fact you invade her privacy freely and blame her for your insecurities very wrong and unfair. I would feel manipulated if I were her.

[johndoe13]

Saw my psy and he thinks I have an attachment personality disorder. He says that she is not responsible for feeling my void, it is a broken trait in my character...which has to be fixed...he just ways to go one day at a time...and not to be too needy or put to many demands on her. He said she would not be with me if she did not love me she is 32 so she could find someone else easily...

 

I also told my girlfriend about my anxiety last week! She did not take it well because she takes this as her making me unhappy and that is not what she wants...

 

 

Anyways I've been still feeling a huge void with my girlfriend. Although she is trying hard to reassure me (holds my hands) sometimes I still feel something is wrong and that she does not really love me:

 

- Walks past me in a party and does not even touch me

- I'm asking for sex straight out at this point; she has not initiated in a while

- I said I love you last night she did not say it back- first time...

- She has been sleeping more of her side of the bed...

- When we were out yesterday she was not talking much and I felt like if she was bored which she denied it. She said that what the problem with not talking... She then wanted me to decide what to do and when I suggest something with a question she she does not feel like doing that.

 

- Anyways last night I couldn't sleep last night and was wondering If I should just end it because honestly my gutt feeling keeps telling me something is REALLY wrong or WILL go wrong. But at the same time I'm afraid that I would ruin a relationship with someone that wants to actually build a life with me.

 

She has e-mailed me from work things to reassure me after arguments...but then I notice the same behaviour.

 

For example yesterday I told her I love you out of the blue (I interupped her for a second) and she did not say it back...first time. I did not say anything but my brain found it weird!

 

For example she says she finds me interesting and intelligent...however she does not make a big effort to hold a conversation with me and then tells me that it bothers her that I don't keep updated with the news. When we are walking she just watches everybody in site but does not really comment on anything unless I ask.

 

She says she sees me as a long-term mate and a potential father of her kids but yet I feel like she is not sure at all.

 

She still talks about a condo. We are going on a 2 week vacation and I'm scared to death that it will not be pleasant...and we will come back bitter and potentially broker up...

 

Thanks for listening.

 

She says she finds me attractive and sexually attrative; but she does not initiate sex that much anymore.

 

Does anybody know what I could do to get this gutt feeling out of my system?

 

Has anybody had a similar experience and if yes what happened and what did you do?

Does anybody have suggestions on how to bring the spark back?

[mhowe]

Did you tell your gf what your psych. said --- that she is not responsible for filling your void? That her personality is not the cause of your anxiety?

 

I think that the upcoming vacation will make/break your relationship. You need to get a handle of the anxiety.

Blurting out "I love you" in the middle of a conversation/interrupting her -- and then being surprised she doesn't say it back is childish.

 

You need to concentrate on "owning" your own feelings and not holding her accountable.

[Doc Blaze]

Ever try to think of positive things when your thinking negative thoughts...

 

 

Bro to be honest your a lot of work and tiring..if i had a gf who did this everyday i dont know if i would be able to handle it

[johndoe13]

Did you tell your gf what your psych. said --- that she is not responsible for filling your void? That her personality is not the cause of your anxiety?

 

I think that the upcoming vacation will make/break your relationship. You need to get a handle of the anxiety.

Blurting out "I love you" in the middle of a conversation/interrupting her -- and then being surprised she doesn't say it back is childish.

 

You need to concentrate on "owning" your own feelings and not holding her accountable.

 

Yes I told her she is not the reason for my anxiety. It's my past with an increase of the same with the snooping of her past.

 

I agree that the vacation is definitely a make or break; is there any specific behaviours I should do to make her respect me more or increase my value in her eyes (reducing availability or any others)...because I'm starting to think she is become disenchanted with my character (turned-off)...