Sticking to decision to leave after very bad dating behavior

[potd2009]

Vivian: I understand your point of view, although I strongly disagree - I share ChasingHope's view. I should clarify that this situation is not the one you're thinking of, though. Safer sex is extremely important to me, so I understand where you are coming from. I won't have intercourse (or participate in high or mid-risk activities) unless I'm in a monogamous relationship - even then, both of us have to get tested first and then still practice safer sex, including condom use every single time. So, even though he spent the night and we did certain intimate things, we did not have intercourse, something I didn't feel the need to get into earlier. The fact that he was prepared to go much further than I was actually signaled me that he doesn't consistently practice safer sex, including insisting on exclusivity - something that itself was a yellow flag to me. I prefer sexual partners who share my own risk-conservative approach. But it also means that he definitely was not checking to see if I had other current sexual partners in order to protect himself against STDs, and the explanation he gave me for looking through my messages in fact had nothing to do with that. In fact, one of the many reasons that I broke things off with him was that I could not rely on his honesty and integrity after this issue. Nnot only did he snoop, but he lied to me/made up a pretextual reason to access my computer when I was out of the room. I was thinking that it would make it hard to rely on him as an exclusive sexual partner, because he'd left me with three uncertainties: (1) would he tell the truth about his own sexual history/STD exposure; (2) would he share the truthful results of any STD testing; and (3) (ESPECIALLY given that he travels for work and is in a different city on weekdays 3 weeks/month) could I rely on any promise made by him that we WERE exclusive, given that he would have ample opportunity to cheat if inclined. So while I can definitely appreciate the concerns you are raising, in this particular situation, your concerns were MINE, not his. I think the right response to feeling the lack of trust that I was feeling was to call off the situation...not read through his emails to figure out whether my instincts were correct.

 

I also don't agree that if you have "nothing to hide," you shouldn't mind snooping. He could have read every FB message and email I have ever sent, and he wouldn't have found a single lie or inaccuracy about what I'd told him, nor would he have discovered any other sexual partners. But my email and messages contain any number of exchanges that are not for the eyes of a romantic interest I've just met, including personal messages between my immediate family members and me, old emails between then-boyfriends and me exchanged when we were in a relationship, investment and budget information, messages containing personal information of my family and friends that they wouldn't want seen by a new romantic interest (or anyone other than me), etc. It is not the case that only cheaters or sexually promiscuous STD-carriers are interested in their privacy.

 

NolaGirl: I haven't yet removed him on FB, but I agree with everything else you said, including the "slippery slope" of...if you're willing to violate my privacy instantly, based on mere curiosity...then what are you going to feel entitled to do later if we are more seriously involved and you actually have a concern/question that you feel could be answered by further snooping or even stalking? I have been feeling sad on and off and missing him, but here's what's helping so far: picturing how I would feel if I'd agreed to continue dating him and to see him this current weekend. Rather than feeling happy and excited to see him, I'd be feeling like I was disrespecting myself by agreeing to put up with his misbehavior (essentially giving him a full out license to treat me however suits his fancy) and anxiously wondering what was going to go wrong next. If I invited him back to my place again, I would feel uncomfortable/uneasy the whole time and on guard for further violations of my trust/privacy. I'd essentially feel like I was agreeing to see someone who was showing loudly and clearly by his actions that he didn't respect me or truly value the time we were spending together. And really picturing how crappy I would feel if that was going to be my weekend is definitely helping both with sticking to my resolve to end this situation and making me feel better about the sadness I feel that things didn't work out.

[Heather Dawn]

You shouldn't even be asking what to do - your only option, at this point, is to move on. The guy is a major loser.

[j.man]

If you don't believe logging onto someone else's account and going through their emails isn't a violation of their privacy, then what is it? Just because you may think the ends justify the means doesn't mean it isn't what it is. Is opening your partner's snail mail without his permission a violation of his privacy?

 

If my girlfriend goes through my email or text messages, that's going to be a serious conversation that probably won't end well for the relationship. I don't blame someone for having a lapse in trust (supposing it's not a recurring issue). But at that point you've got two options - leave, or bring it up.

[VivianSmith]

Let me be clear. I said I DO NOT agree with him snooping your things when:

 

1. He just met you a month prior.

2. That was his first time in your apartment.

 

You guys aren't even close enough to be considered a long-term relationship or marriage. He had no reason to snoop through your things.

 

What I was referring to is when a couple has been together for a long time (years) and/or is married. At that point I DISAGREE with people saying "well if you don't trust the person leave". That's STUPID, if you have been together for years, why would you throw it all away for a ONE time suspicion that you have ? And why would you confront them about the suspicion when there is ZERO incentive to be truthful ? When people cheat they don't just go "oh by the way, yeah you're right, I was sleeping with that other chick on the side." That's when you snoop and get 100% factual statements and THEN you either confirm that you were right about being suspicious OR you disprove it, you had nothing to worry about.

 

Anyways, the drinking to excess every week seems to be an issue, he has no self control (like I said before). It doesn't seem like he is very good bf material.

[j.man]

I certainly hope that at some point before things get serious, you disclose you're fully willing to go through their personal messages to feel better about them possibly cheating on you.

 

People correspond privately because they expect that level of confidence. Fumbling through someone's messages not only betrays your partner's confidence, but whoever he's speaking to as well - someone whose privacy you have even less a right to violate.

 

Personally, I'd want a partner with whom I didn't have to tell my friends, "whatever you say to me in private, be sure it's cool for my girlfriend to see as well."

 

If your relationship is rocky enough to where you bringing up a suspicion early will be bring an end to it, they either are cheating, or you've got a number of other issues going on.

 

OP, please do not tolerate ANYONE who's willing to violate your privacy and your trust.

[luvstruk]

OP, please do not tolerate ANYONE who's willing to violate your privacy and your trust.

 

Agree. I would have NEXTed him on the spot for snooping through my Facebook. I am on the far end of the spectrum wrt respecting others' privacy. If you accidentally left your bank statement or some other personal info out in the open and were out of the room I would make a point to look away. I figure if private info is meant to be shared then it would be intentionally shared, otherwise I'd just as soon not know.

[ChasingHope]

What is STUPID is believing that you have the justification to snoop thru your partner's personal accounts b/c you don't think they will be truthful with you. It's STUPID to stay in a relationship where there is clearly no trust. Again, if you have any inclination that your partner is cheating, being untruthful, etc, than you should probably act like an ADULT and re-evaluate the relationship and how much more effort you are willing to put in.

[potd2009]

I wish I could change the title of this thread to "Sticking to decision to leave after very bad dating behavior." As predicted - and to my great shame - after a few days, I'm missing him and at times, feeling the urge to contact him. I'm also feeling a lot of anxiety about what it will be like to see him in future, when our paths almost inevitably will cross socially, and I'll feel not only that I miss him, but a sense of loss from never having gotten to fully explore the ridiculously strong physical attraction I feel to him. (NC since I NEXTed him, at this point)

 

I feel that it's very important to push through these feelings and stick to my decision, given how clearcut this situation was: we were only seeing each other for a few weeks; he engaged in dealbreaker-level behavior very quickly; he blew a second chance he clearly should never have been given; and his fairly unrepentant commentary on the drinking/showing up late incident included the remark that he couldn't promise that it wouldn't happen again. If I have a hard time sticking to my decision in this case, then how on earth am I going to handle things if I have to break up in the future with a guy whom I've been seeing longer, who has treated me better, etc? I'm really frustrated even to be making this post: I could see quite clearly earlier this week (and am still aware) that I was dodging a bullet ... so why the urge to jump right back into its path, and the sadness from no longer being in contact with someone who honestly wasn't treating me as well as he should have been (even setting aside the dealbreaker issues)? If others have had difficulties sticking to this sort of decision, I'd really like to hear how you worked on becoming better at it.

[DN]

I wish I could change the title of this thread to "Sticking to decision to leave after very bad dating behavior."

Moderator Note: I changed the thread title for you.

[luvstruk]

... so why the urge to jump right back into its path, and the sadness from no longer being in contact with someone who honestly wasn't treating me as well as he should have been (even setting aside the dealbreaker issues)?

 

Because you're human. Our brains don't work like logical Turing machines. You're sense of attraction to this guy is naturally going to be in conflict with what you know is best for you, at least for a little while. We all hope you stick with the latter choice. Re-read your initial "dumper" post to get you through the weaker times.

[shellyf62]

Some guys are just douchebags.....nothing you can say or do can change that.

 

After his big mistake of going through your Facebook he should have been on his best behaviour, and maybe even bought you flowers? But no, he turned up late & very drunk. He has no respect for your feelings.

You sound like a lovely, very well educated young lady, and deserve someone wonderful. He is far from this. Please dont take him back.

[Ms Darcy]

Push through the anxiety pot and keep him out of your life.

[annie24]

Pot: remember that in early dating is when people are on their best behavior. If this is his best- what must his worst behavior be??

[Blue_Skirt]

Pot: remember that in early dating is when people are on their best behavior. If this is his best- what must his worst behavior be??

Yep, we used to say that in the beginning, people will wear their Sunday clothes…..

[potd2009]

I'm updating this thread in the hope that others will learn from my mistakes.

 

As predicted, I was not able to stick to my initial decision, despite my understanding that Heather Dawn was right ("You shouldn't even be asking what to do - your only option, at this point, is to move on. The guy is a major loser. "). So...against my better judgment, and also against my worse judgment (a phrase I've coined as a result of this situation), I ended up contacting him last Monday. We talked for three hours in person, and I was able to share all of my feelings and frustrations about his previous behavior...really to make explicit how important respect for my privacy, time, feelings, and apartment (among other things) was. He gave the impression of understanding and respecting where I was coming from and agreeing to act differently.

 

Things looked a bit worse for wear on Wednesday, when he tried to invite himself to my place for an overnight date without listening to me the first time that I said (1) I couldn't do a weeknight overnight this week due to tiredness and (2) I wasn't okay with an overnight being our first date after just barely agreeing to try again. He heard me the second time, though, and we spent a few low-key hours on Wednesday having dinner, then walking and talking by the water. He did manage to show up both on time and sober on Monday and Wednesday.

 

Based in part on feeling some degree of pressure from him, I agreed to an overnight weekend date. Here all manner of bad behavior started to emerge. He told me that he planned to get his weekend started early on Friday, partying with colleagues beginning with an early happy hour starting at 4 PM. Fearing a repeat of the previous incident in which he showed up late and drunk after partying with his colleagues, I told him that I'd prefer to meet on Saturday or Sunday night instead, but he insisted that those nights didn't work ... in a slippery way (i.e. not being straightforward about his being unavailable on those nights and trying disingenuously to frame it in terms of why those nights would be less ideal for me.) I then explicitly told him that it was dealbreaker-level important to me that if we met on Friday, we not have a repeat of the previous incident: that he show up on time, not drunk, still able to have dinner and socialize with me, etc. He responded in a tongue-in-cheek, fairly unsympathetic manner to this. He also insisted that he would need to show up late (8:30 or so on Friday night) to my place in order to be able to participate fully in work festivities first. He also noted that he'd have to get going fairly early the next morning due to full-day social plans with friends, to which I was implicitly not invited.

 

At 7:20 PM on Friday night, I got a text from him stating that he'd eaten too many appetizers with his colleague to have dinner with me, so I should consider eating dinner alone before he arrived. (!!!!!) I was incredibly pissed off, but decided to try not to spoil both of our evenings by freaking out at this juncture, so I grabbed a quick bite from the grocery store and told him to make sure he arrived at 8:30. He did not. He showed up at 9 PM, half an hour late, but more or less sober (which in his world was him making great compromises based on my wishes). He made clear he was done eating, drinking, or otherwise going out for the evening, and was more or less at my place for hooking up purposes only. Even as to hooking up, he (unsurprisingly but disappointingly) acted selfishly throughout the night. The icing on the cake included: him managing to break a miniblind at my place while closing the blinds, but not telling me about it or apologizing (I noticed it the next morning); him neglecting to clean up after himself at my place; and (like every other time I have given him a ride home) forgetting to thank me for giving him a ride home.

 

I ended up feeling hurt, disrespected, and ashamed of myself for having gone against my instincts and against all advice. But I did get closure - a painfully clearcut answer to the question, "Wasn't there SOME WAY to have made this one work?" And it got me to the point where I could send that final email cutting him off, remove him from Facebook and LinkedIn, delete him from Gchat, and otherwise delete him from my life without regret. Pain and anger, yes. Perplexity at how anyone could treat a romantic (or sexual) interest so disrespectfully, yes. But no regret. His behavior left me feeling like he was some sort of ... poison or malignancy that simply had to be excised. Again: I know I deserve better than he showed me. But I also know that I deserve better than I inflicted on myself in this case, by choosing to send a signal to a badly-behaving person that he could continue his behavior and I would not stick to my decision to leave. I hope sincerely that I now learn this lesson: self-respect means no second chances for people who engage in dealbreakers. And definitely, definitely no third chances.

 

I'm sharing this story at some risk of (my screenname) losing respect from those reading, in the hope that it will serve as a cautionary tale for anyone who wants to give a badly behaving love interest or significant other that "one more chance" that your gut and every piece of objective evidence tells you that they don't deserve. Remember this: what you allow will continue.

[j.man]

OP, it's quite alright. Sometimes we need lessons absolutely drilled into us. The important thing is you did in fact learn. There are many who wouldn't have.

[shellyf62]

Dont be so hard on yourself. You liked him, you tried to make it work, it didnt.

He is now more of a douchebag in my eyes.

Lets hope Prince Charming is waiting around the corner xxx

[Limiya]

You certainly haven't lost any respect from what you did. Not at all. We all do it. We all go against our better judgement at times when our heart is giving mixed signals. At least you now have a finality from this outcome. Just make sure if you do get those conflicting feelings again, or feel like trying one more time, DON'T! Otherwise it's a vicious circle.

I wish i had listened to my instincts when i first met my ex and stayed well away from him.

 

Lessons are learned, and hopefully we won't be repeating them.

Limiya

[annie24]

Thanks for sharing. I'm glad you finally got the closure you needed on this situation!