Sticking to decision to leave after very bad dating behavior

[potd2009]

Last month, I met a guy through one of my social circles and he asked me out. Things started out well - mutual attraction, shared interests, good kissing, good conversation/banter, and we ended up chatting at least a bit every day we didn't see each other in some format (text, IM, or phone) organically. I was getting pretty excited about him, and a few weeks in, he spent the night at my place for the first time.

 

Problem #1 cropped up the next morning. He asked to read an article we'd discussed on my computer, so I gave it to him. I had to step out of my apartment to grab something. I returned ten minutes later and saw him close out of something quickly. I made a mental note to check my browser history later that night once he had gone home. When I did, I learned that the moment I stepped out of my apartment, he signed onto my Facebook account (using the stored password in my browser) and read through several message threads, mostly conversations I'd had with our mutual acquaintances. After simmering on this for a couple of days (during which we had no contact for the first time since deciding to date), I sent him an email confronting him. He asked to discuss the situation by phone (we were not in the same city that day) and we spoke that evening. He acknowledged and apologized for what had happened and provided an explanation - not necessarily a very mitigating one, but at least he explained what he was looking for in my messages. He wanted to continue to date. I still liked him, although I was pretty shocked by what I felt was a dealbreaker-level violation of my trust that occurred the very first time he had been in my apartment. So - after talking to him again about the incident in person when we were both in town again - I agreed to try continuing to date and seeing how it felt. I told him that I didn't know if I could feel comfortable enough (i.e. feel enough trust) to continue, but I was willing to try. We made plans to meet for drinks and dinner the following evening ... on the later side, because I had a work commitment earlier in the evening.

 

This led to problem #2. He decided to get his evening started a couple hours earlier at a happy hour with other friends. That by itself was fine. The problem was that he ended up losing track of time/distance and arriving to meet me nearly an hour late and fairly wasted. He wasn't really in any condition to have any sort of meaningful conversation with me and ended up saying and doing a few uncomfortable things. It definitely ruined my evening. Beyond the disrespect in showing up late and drunk, what really bothered me is that his behavior showed no consideration at all for the fact that I'd agreed to give things another chance despite the fact that he'd violated my trust less than a week earlier. Rather than attempting to put his best foot forward this time around, he essentially did the exact opposite. When I expressed my disappointment and anger at this the following day, he conceded that he hadn't acted well and claimed the incident had been him at his worst. He noted that it was rare for him to act in that way (which certainly seemed consistent with his behavior over the past few weeks, when he's always drunk around me in moderation and always been on time.) Yet he also stated that he couldn't promise that it would never happen again. He also noted that he was not used to dealing with "this level of criticism" so early in the dating process and implied that I seemed to expect him to be perfect and was being insufficiently understanding and accepting of his flaws.

 

I'm rather floored by all of this. I've never experienced this sort of misbehavior in a dating context before; everyone I've ever seen has been very respectful of boundaries and electronic privacy, has shown up reasonably on time (or else has come with both an apology and a good reason), and has not arrived drunk. I just wanted to post to vent a bit about the situation and to express my frustration and disappointment that these things occurred right when things had seemed to be going quite well. I'm also just interested to hear whether others here have dealt with either or both of these issues from someone they've dated and to hear how you responded.

[Bunney]

Uhm wow. It's not just that he messed up twice already (in less than a month?!), but then to say that he's never been criticized so much so early on before and that you expect him to be perfect? Way to take responsibility!

Really if he's like that now I'm pretty certain it'll only get worse as time goes on. The first months are usually when people try to be on their best behavior, this guy seems to be doing it the other way around, lol.

 

He already said he couldn't promise it won't happen again. This guy doesn't sound like good news. In fact, if a guy were to snoop through my stuff the first time he's at my place, I'd be so turned off that I couldn't help but show him the door and not wanna see him again. That's just sooo disrespectful and creepy.

 

Well, you get my point. Drop him!!

[DN]

Move on to someone more considerate and courteous.

[nfperception]

I've had someone snoop through my phone before when I left it on a table and went into another room. Came back and he was going through my phone, preferably through my contacts. I asked him why he was doing that and he never told me. Came to realise that he was trying to get a girls number, and he thought that I had it in my phone since I talked to her at the time. He then tried to claim that I did this to him, which I didn't. I haven't talked to him since.

[Bunney]

I've had someone snoop through my phone before when I left it on a table and went into another room. Came back and he was going through my phone, preferably through my contacts. I asked him why he was doing that and he never told me. Came to realise that he was trying to get a girls number, and he thought that I had it in my phone since I talked to her at the time. He then tried to claim that I did this to him, which I didn't. I haven't talked to him since.

 

Haha... some people are just shameless.

[nfperception]

Haha... some people are just shameless.

 

Yeah... I'm not downplaying what other people went through on here, but I'm just saying that looking back at the stuff I went through is downright ridiculous. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

[buddha55]

If he is trying to make his best impression now and "woo" you, I'd hate to see when he gets comfortable.

[journeynow]

potd2009, I'd take these as red flags, despite how well it was going otherwise. How many red flags are you willing to continue with? Or are you done? I don't think you even needed to point out his bad behavior if you're willing to see this as the phase where you're getting to know what he's like and if you're compatible. Actions speak louder than words.

[luvstruk]

It's pretty clear he doesn't respect you. I think you should NEXT him.

[annie24]

I'm also just interested to hear whether others here have dealt with either or both of these issues from someone they've dated and to hear how you responded.

 

I've experienced issues like yours, and worse. It's time to NEXT him.

[Blue_Skirt]

I like to have some privacy, no secrets, nothing to hide, just privacy. If I want to share information with people, I like to be in control of that. I don’t do Facebook, Twitter etc. etc..

 

I am not even in a relationship right now, nor am I dating, but my cellphone automatically locks after being unused for 1 minute and I have password protected my computer.

 

I have never experienced anything like you describe. For me, this is unbelievable, reason to be dumped right away, no further explanation needed.

[blueidealist24]

He sounds like a treat. Him going through your Facebook is a total deal breaker, especially when you just started dating and it was his first time in your apartment! It seems like he misunderstands, and thinks you were mad at him for being drunk, but you just expected him to be on his best behaviour since he'd already pulled a big doozy. I honestly would have called it quits after he went through your facebook.

[pinkelephant]

jesus.

 

i've never had that before, but i wish some of my exes would do this when we started dating. hah!

[SpottiOtti]

What a D-bag. Hope you dropped him; this is going to get worse.

[and so it goes]

Yeah, don't date this guy.

[j.man]

I'm with the general consensus. I'm surprised you gave him another chance after the facebook thing. That would probably be a deal breaker for someone I was in a committed relationship with, much less someone I'd just now trusted to stay the night in my home. The drunk thing I'd be tempted to let slide if it weren't for his complete lack of respect for your privacy prior.

 

Find someone who is more on your level maturity-wise.

[SilverFactory]

I am sorry you had to go through this... like others have said if he is like this now, in the early stages of dating, one can only wonder how he is going to be in the future.

[potd2009]

Thanks all for the (unanimous!) feedback. It was very helpful in, as a couple of you put it, NEXTing him this evening - never heard that expression before, as I've been away from ENA for four years, but I like it While it was an obvious decision, it was honestly a bit more difficult emotionally than I'd expected. I really had connected to him well on certain levels, had really enjoyed his company, and was *extremely* attracted to him. I have had to work actively on not letting that last issue cloud my judgment in this case. I wrestled more than I should have with...what if he could change and behave better? What if he could be more like what I wanted him to be? But it's not my very first time around the block, so I understood that those sorts of questions are magical (wishful) thinking.

 

Still, it was a surprisingly hard conversation to have, especially when he still wanted to continue...something which felt surprising to me in light of his poor behavior (actions not matching words). Even the words, though, didn't go far enough. He didn't retract his previous comment - that he couldn't promise me that an incident like the drunk/late one wouldn't happen again. He continued seemingly to not understand why I was not over the first incident just because he had apologized, and he returned repeatedly to the idea that I hadn't let that go yet. (He finally understood a bit better when I asked him to describe how he would feel if I had been the one to look at his messages - he finally acknowledged that the same behavior from me would have made him feel extremely weird/uncomfortable, and he then reluctantly conceded that it would take more than a few days and a cornered apology to make him feel comfortable again.) And he did not understand in any way the point that blueidealist made, which was very important to me: the idea that the second incident was much worse coming a mere 24 hours after I'd agreed to give things a second chance ... a point at which I'd expect anyone who was remotely serious about dating me to be on their very best behavior.

 

Due to whatever mix of feelings and attraction, I was really more reluctant than I should objectively have been to call this one quits. But at the end of the day, it came down to: if I respect myself, I have to insist that whomever I date treats me better than this. If I date someone who is so easily willing to violate my trust and privacy and show disrespect for my time, that means that at whatever subconscious level, I don't feel I deserve better. And I definitely deserve better - everyone does! And, although I'd also sought and received the (also unanimous) opinions of very close RL friends, it honestly helped to have such a robust, unanimous response from ENA. I hadn't visited for four years before I posted about this situation, but ENA was really helpful to me when I was trying to get over a very painful breakup in 2009, even though I read much more than I posted. When I was here that time around, I discovered that this site was very good for objective, "tough love" advice...if this site hasn't changed since then, people give you the feedback here that you need to hear, not that you want to hear. So the idea that the complete strangers here would call me on it if for any reason, I decided to give this guy another chance, was really helpful to me in making the only correct decision there was here.

 

I might need to ask one more favor of you guys. One of my greatest weaknesses, which I'm actively working to fix, is that I'm notoriously bad at sticking to any sort of breakup/break off decision. I actually tend to do better as dumpee than dumper. As dumper, especially if I don't end up moving on quickly to a better situation, I often find myself second-guessing my decision and reverting to magical thinking about whether I could've done something differently or better that could have somehow made the relationship/dating situation work. To my great shame, at times, this has led to my going back to people who were simply wrong for me, although none of those people to date have acted badly in the ways that this guy did. Anyway, my goal/resolution is to break that pattern here, and to use this fairly clearcut situation to learn to stick to my necessary decisions, even if I miss the other person or remain single for longer than I might like. If I feel tempted to deviate from that, I plan to post here and hope that you guys will virtually slap some common sense into me.

[luvstruk]

Congrats potd! I am sure you will stick with this 'dumper' situation. I enjoy reading your posts. I'm new to ENA but also find it a great place. It's like a virtual support group that makes me feel less alone in the dating world.

[blueidealist24]

I'm glad you got rid of him. He really sounds like he can't see things from another person's point of view.

[NolaGirl]

When you think about getting back with him, ask yourself, what will change? It does not sound like he has any insight, nor does he seem to take any responsibility for his behavior. In the early stages of a relationship, he should be courting you, not showing up drunk and making excuses. That's just disrespectful.

 

If he's looking through your computer now, what next? Stalking you?

 

If I were you I would lose him, fast. I would also unfriend him on FB.

[StayTrueToYou]

Yeah, you definitely made the right call here. In regards to being the dumper: you just need to remind yourself why you ended things with him to begin with. You said yourself that you know you deserve better. So why would you revert back to something that you already got rid of? Because of the attraction? Just remember that there is always something better out there and you should never settle for anything less than what you deserve or expect. I can assure you that most guys out there would not go snooping through your stuff at all - let alone the first time entering your apartment.

[VivianSmith]

I don't want to jump on board with everyone that said snooping is a violation of your privacy.

 

Personally, I mind my own business when it comes to my family, my friends etc, but not when it comes to a sexual partner. I have seen countless people that got cheated on all the while they were " trusting" of their partners, and these people ended up getting the short end of the stick, one of them ended up with herpes, another with gonorrhea and one had an HIV scare. If I feel there is something wrong with the person I'm dating, I'm snooping, sorry but I value my health above all else. Besides, if they have nothing to hide they shouldn't be upset, I wouldn't be upset if someone looked through my things, I'm not hiding anything, look away.

 

Anyways, the only thing I saw wrong with his snooping was that he had just met you and that was the first time going to your apartment, there wasn't really a reason to snoop on someone he had recently met.

 

As to his drinking, it's a bit too "college act". When someone drinks to the point of getting drunk, it means they lack self control and the fact that he told you he couldn't tell you it wouldn't happen again, means he likes going out and drinking and if he gets drunk, so be it. Just kind of immature behavior.

[ChasingHope]

I don't feel there is any justification for "snooping". I think if you are questioning the person you are with, or have suspicions about them, then you probably shouldn't be with them. B/c then, when does the snooping stop? If you don't trust your partner, don't waste time becoming a sneak or snoop, and get out and find someone you can be comfortable with.

[VivianSmith]

I don't feel there is any justification for "snooping". I think if you are questioning the person you are with, or have suspicions about them, then you probably shouldn't be with them. B/c then, when does the snooping stop? If you don't trust your partner, don't waste time becoming a sneak or snoop, and get out and find someone you can be comfortable with.

 

If you married someone and they start acting suspicious are you saying you'll throw away all those years of marriage or partnership because you don't trust your partner at the moment ? You'll go pay lawyers and divorce WITHOUT conforming or disproving your suspicions ? Seems like a stupid move in my opinion. I'd snoop instead and find out for myself if there is something wrong or not.

 

Sure I could just confront the person before snooping, but come on now, if someone does something they shouldn't have why would they admit that to their partner ? What's the incentive to be truthful when you'll get in trouble for it ? They may lie, but on the other hand, if you snoop, you'll have your answer and it will be 100% factual. I'm saying this because people I know confronted their partners, their partners just lied and so they chose to not investigate further and ended up getting cheated on and getting herpes, among other things. SO HECK YES, I snoop.