Online Dating for the 2nd Time - A Journal

[jenny_mcs]

I feel like your expectations of how much you 2 will spend together/how much contact you will have (after only dating a few weeks) to be pretty intense. You met for a movie last week during the week, and hung out/went out both Friday and Saturday nights. She sent you complimentary texts late Sat night/early Sun morning. Yet you're clearly bummed out that you didn't also spend Sunday together, and that she didn't contact you till Sunday afternoon. That just seems like...a lot.

[NorthDallas40]

I feel like your expectations of how much you 2 will spend together/how much contact you will have (after only dating a few weeks) to be pretty intense.

 

It's not just our time together, which has seemed a bit fractured and uneven in some ways, though mostly due to our schedules, which is understandable. It's everything else I mentioned previously, combined with the timing, that makes it hard for me to get a read on her, and for me gauge my own feelings properly.

 

For instance, I only saw WYNN on the weekends for the 4 or 5 weeks we dated, but we planned things consistently and communicated a lot in between dates, so waiting 5-7 days between wasn't so bad. Plus we had more in common, so our email conversations had more of interest. Though to be fair, TINA's a good message-writer too as I've pointed out before!

 

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Luckily, I texted Tina something funny around lunchtime today, we had a some back & forth, and she used one of our pet names for me again. She said she was feeling a bit tired today with some cold symptoms due to the long weekend, "but totally it was worth it!"

[Nightdriver]

It looks like your high octane weekends are driving all these poor women to cold bouts.

[NorthDallas40]

It looks like your high octane weekends are driving all these poor women to cold bouts.

 

Yep, these 30-something women simply can't keep up with this over-40 weedsmoker who exercises less than they do. Time to go vegan and get on my level, ladies!

 

Luckily we have no plans for a week, so unlike GLORY I can read this as TINA's legitimate status report, not one of the Top Six Ways To Get Out Of A Date.

[Ms Darcy]

I can't help but be puzzled ... you knew she was a vegan/religious when you met her. More stuff has surfaced, but a lot of core issues came up BEFORE sex. I can't help but feel like your interest level dropped a lot after sex when it wasn't as much of conquest.

 

Just a thought!

[itsallgrand]

You should get back together with KATE. lol.

[Ms Darcy]

You should get back together with KATE. lol.

 

Kate left him. She didn't feel as compatible as ND did I think.

[Minilogue]

LOL. There are tons of ways to be fun and interesting without doing drugs. That's just absurd. And I dont think anyone - including almost all drug users - actually thinks it's healthy. Whether it's very harmful or not harmful might be a matter of opinion, but healthy? It's not exactly a kale smoothie and a 5 mile run.

 

That being said, I too would like an update ND! Ah sorry we posted basically at the same time so will read.

 

I didn't say there were not fun and interesting things to do without doing drugs. I think you misinterpreted my post sophie. All I said was I think drugs are OK by my morals and I find anyone who didn't/doesn't experiment in their lifetime pretty boring and plain. I do think drugs now and then are healthy for the soul/mind, to lose yourself and have fun. It can be just as good as a smoothie or a 5 mile run for yourself. I don't see anything wrong with taking drugs in moderation of course. That's just what I've observed in my lifetime by the way, other people may differ.

[Minilogue]

NorthDallas40 I reckon we would have one hell of party if we met, spin some tunes (I have some killer vinyl ), drink some long island ice tea's and you could give me tips about dating. 161 pages I bet you could write a book about dating ?

[potd2009]

All I said was I think drugs are OK by my morals and I find anyone who didn't/doesn't experiment in their lifetime pretty boring and plain.

 

I'm not wild about this perspective either. There are plenty of valid reasons that someone could choose not to experiment with drugs and still be a captivating and fun person.

 

ND - agree with the folks who've said that your ambivalence (you'd be okay for the rest of your life if you never saw Tina again) doesn't bode well, but given your initial excitement, I'm glad that you seem to have decided to push through this patch and see if feelings deepen on both sides. It just doesn't seem like there's any downside to pursuing this for a few more weeks and seeing where things end up. As for the potential sexual incompatibilities: I'm a big fan of GGG, but it's premised on good communication as any loyal Savage reader knows. Obviously, the two of you have had plenty of witty banter around sex, but have you really talked about wants and expectations? For instance, you aren't happy that she isn't reciprocating re: oral sex - does she know this? Same thing re the sex being unadventurous. Have you talked openly, in-person, about what you want to try with her? What she wants to try with you? And, TBH, I don't think there's anything wrong with your asking her about the need to leave in the middle of the night. The answer may lessen your irritation, and even if it doesn't, you'd be asking a legitimate question. Bottom line - I think that talking out some of these issues will lessen how many potential incompatibilities there are here.

[missmarple]

I can't help but feel like your interest level dropped a lot after sex when it wasn't as much of conquest.

 

I don't think it's about the conquest but I do think his interest level dropped after sex. It could be that sex with her isn't exactly how he thought it would be. Not just body-wise but all the other details he's shared.

When you have sex early on, it tends to take on an even more important role than it normally has, in my opinion.

[Batya33]

I don't think it's about the conquest but I do think his interest level dropped after sex. It could be that sex with her isn't exactly how he thought it would be. Not just body-wise but all the other details he's shared.

When you have sex early on, it tends to take on an even more important role than it normally has, in my opinion.

 

Completely agree. Very well put.

[NorthDallas40]

Yeah, I'm not a notch-on-the-bedpost guy. I don't date women just to have sex with them and then move on to the next "conquest." No matter how women I've dated, the goal has always been the same: find ONE woman to marry and hopefully have kids with.

 

But I do consider sex a big part of a relationship, so if it's not enjoyable with a girl, then yeah, certainly I can lose interest as a result. ESPECIALLY if the woman isn't really compatible with me personality-wise either.

 

In TINA's case, as I've gotten to know her I'm finding things that may not be compatible with me, and weighing them against her positives. And since we were intimate relatively early, sex became part of that decisionmaking process, which I think is reasonable.

 

But the same thing happened with GLORY, even though we never had sex. As I got to know her better, I became less convinced we were compatible, and I think I noted this on ENA at the time. Sure, I was giving her more of a chance because she was very attractive, and in the end she rejected me. But even if she were 100% into me and the sex was great, I would still have had reservations about our longterm prospects.

 

Though to be honest, a hot girl who's crazy about you and amazing in bed can easily be forgiven deficiencies in other departments!

 

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As for TINA, I texted her last night while I was seeing a film and after some flirtatious chitchat, she asked me to come see her tomorrow or the next day, after she graded her papers. I assumed she meant for me to come to her place, but she clarified and explained she just wanted to meet for dinner, which is fine with me. Though yet again it's another "Tina goes home afterwards" scenario.

 

Anyway, I've got band rehearsal on Thursday so we settled on tomorrow, and I asked what she had in mind, or if I should come up with a plan. She replied "I love it when you take control" so I'll be giving her some options later today.

[Ms Darcy]

Though to be honest, a hot girl who's crazy about you and amazing in bed can easily be forgiven deficiencies in other departments!

 

You should be honored. Someone quoted this post in another thread in referencing how personality doesn't override looks for men as it may for women.

 

I don't doubt you have the goal of marriage and children. And I think unfortunately some of the female posters overinterpret my meaning in saying "conquest" so I will say "investment, value, and prize." People can and do have sex after they fall in love and/or commit to a relationship. I tend to think that when sex comes after emotional attachment, it's about connection, culmination, etc. When it's before and very early on in the dating process, it's more about living in the moment. Without "connection goggles," then it's easier to focus on the mechanics (how skinny does she look, does she have a surgery scar, is she wild in bed) and less on the emotions of the experience.

 

I have never had casual sex. As all know, I wait a ridiculous amount of time. By this time there is love and commitment. It would also tend to be more of an emotional, spiritual experience.

 

Also, you have to admit that you have had sex knowing it wasn't going to go anywhere (aka the girl who was 180 pounds ... I still can't believe you even went out with her!). And I recall you emailing her before another date occurred that you didn't want to date. I don't consider that adding a notch, but it's not aligned with the goal of marriage in my own head.

 

I find this to be a post that I can connect with and wonder what you think: link removed

[NorthDallas40]

You should be honored. Someone quoted this post in another thread in referencing how personality doesn't override looks for men as it may for women.

 

Ha ha I saw that. Perhaps it's a dubious honor, but I doubt you'll find that the average man would disagree with what I said.

 

 

I have never had casual sex.

 

Which, to be fair, means that you are not an expert on the subject. The same way that I'm not an expert on skiing, bungee jumping or heroin use, since I've never done them.

 

Also, you have to admit that you have had sex knowing it wasn't going to go anywhere

 

Never denied that. Sometimes you go to the grocery store with the intention of buying a box of cereal and nothing else, but end up picking up a pack of gum in the checkout line.

 

It's also important to note that CHLOE was coming on strong throughout the date, and encouraging me to drink and smoke weed the whole time. Sometimes you just "give in" under those sort of circumstances, and as long as it's handled safely, I don't see any problem with it.

 

I find this to be a post that I can connect with and wonder what you think: link removed

 

I would never argue vociferously against waiting to have sex, but it's not a one-size-fits-all solution. Some people can handle having sex early regardless of the outcome, others can't have sex without becoming extremely attached, and still others have deep emotional issues that they act out in a sexual manner and shouldn't really be having sex at all.

 

For me, sex is a vital part of a relationship. And in the same way I wouldn't want to email someone for 3 months before meeting them in person, I wouldn't want to date someone for 3 months without having sex before then.

 

In both cases, there's an unknown x-factor that could kill the deal entirely, so why not find out at a reasonably early time as long as both people are comfortable with it?

[Ms Darcy]

Perhaps it's a dubious honor, but I doubt you'll find that the average man would disagree with what I said.

 

And for most guys (not all), I think it's true.

 

Which, to be fair, means that you are not an expert on the subject. The same way that I'm not an expert on skiing, bungee jumping or heroin use, since I've never done them.

 

I am definitely no expert on that. And I am not a guy either, so I recognize I cannot speak on their behalf. I only say from everything I have heard from men, observed with friends, seen in real life, and even read on this board, waiting never HURTS and can often help. It helps one or both parties not get too attached as they make their decisions about moving things further.

 

For me, sex is a vital part of a relationship. And in the same way I wouldn't want to email someone for 3 months before meeting them in person, I wouldn't want to date someone for 3 months without having sex before then.

 

In both cases, there's an unknown x-factor that could kill the deal entirely, so why not find out at a reasonably early time as long as both people are comfortable with it?

 

Sometimes I feel, and not about you specifically, men (and sometimes women) say this a little disingenuously. There are guys on here who in their heads, and through their posts, make it clear that a relationship is not going to happen with a specific woman. At the same time still insist upon sex as a litmus. When you call them out they say basically this. To be honest, they know deep down that some of these women they are sleeping with they don't want for the long haul anyway.

 

With pre-commitment sex, you never know what you are going to get and you have to be far less relationship-minded. For people who have those values (waiting for a commitment), it's actually going against who they are.

 

So, most likely it's a compatibility issue.

[NorthDallas40]

waiting never HURTS and can often help. It helps one or both parties not get too attached as they make their decisions about moving things further.

 

"Waiting certainly helped me!" - GLORY

[Ms Darcy]

"waiting certainly helped me!" - glory

 

lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Blue Spiral]

Ha ha I saw that. Perhaps it's a dubious honor, but I doubt you'll find that the average man would disagree with what I said.

 

"dubious"?? Bah! I've quoted Voltaire and Nietzsche (in my sigs), so you're in good company.

[Minilogue]

Though to be honest, a hot girl who's crazy about you and amazing in bed can easily be forgiven deficiencies in other departments!

 

I totally agree with this, but I have to add the best girl in bed I was ever with was very overweight but she was just plain nasty and dirty in bed. She also had a very pretty face so she didn't need a paper bag over her head while doing the dirty lol.

 

She was totally attractive in her own way, even with being overweight.

 

So don't discount a girl because she's overweight is my advice!

[NorthDallas40]

TINA and I texted last night & this morning about dinner tonight, so I'm picking her up at 7:30 for a nice meal and drinks (non-alcoholic for her) at a bar, then dropping her off at 11.

 

I'll admit that last night I made the mistake of looking at some archived texts I had from when KATE & I first started going out, mostly to compare those interactions with my text convos with Tina so far. And to be honest, Tina's were probably more playful!

 

Anyway, I ended up having a weird dream about Kate, and when I woke up I was feeling like I should just break things off with Tina because she doesn't measure up to her.

 

But as my head cleared throughout the day, I'm looking forward to seeing her tonight.

 

I wish that I could accept that at my age (44 in a few months), Tina is actually a damn fine catch and I should stop being so greedy about all the things I want my partner to be. Kate's gone, she's not coming back, deal with it! Ugh!

 

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And as lesson in why online dating is sometimes BETTER than meeting someone IRL, here's an anecdote. I've seen this girl MINNIE (quaint enough name for ya? ) around town for the past few years. Totally my type - slim, tall, long hair, artist, film buff, musician, clothing designer and definitely into the same aesthetics as me (even though I'm probably not "cool" enough and not in her league). I've seen her at friends' art shows, live music events, and even my repertory movie house, and have often considered asking her out. But OKC was working well enough for me that I didn't bother.

 

Now I'm kinda glad I didn't. She was recently interviewed online, and asked about her last date. Turns out it was with a couple(!) and she really enjoyed the attention and excitement of being "courted" by both a man and a woman. It sounded like she's still involved with them - including sexually - so how can I compete with that! And it turns out she's 31... thirteen years younger than me! I had no idea she was that young.

 

With that knowledge, I'm actually more appreciative of OLD now. Because assuming the person isn't lying, you can often gauge their age & unusual sexual proclivities before even sending that first message!

[Zuri]

Oh ND, I so hope you meet that "one" that makes KATE seem like a distant memory. I'm very happy to read that you are at point that you can enjoy your dates, though. I remember when I started dating too soon after a break up. That was a "fail". But just because you're almost 44 doesn't mean you have to settle. Great catch or not. Enjoy.

[NorthDallas40]

Oh ND, I so hope you meet that "one" that makes KATE seem like a distant memory. I'm very happy to read that you are at point that you can enjoy your dates, though. I remember when I started dating too soon after a break up. That was a "fail". But just because you're almost 44 doesn't mean you have to settle. Great catch or not. Enjoy.

 

Thanks. I've noticed that when I have a variety of good prospects going on OKC, I don't think about KATE at all. The promise of someone better around the corner pushes her memory aside with ease. "Hope springs eternal" and all that.

 

But when I've decided to date someone exclusively - and with that, thinking of them in a LTR context more seriously - it's harder to stop the comparisons. Because Kate was a great girlfriend, and I had almost zero reservations about about committing to her even at the beginning.

 

So when I'm embarking on that same kind of path with someone new, I become a lot more judgmental, as it should be. It's not just dating for "fun" anymore so I'm trying to determine LTR potential, while also making sure that I'm not stringing the woman along if she seems more keen than I am.

 

Tricky business!

[chr8st8na]

Eh, it's too early to make a decision on Tina...

 

Plus one foot in the door and one foot out the door you will only end up peeing all over yourself. Just enjoy the dates with Tina and take it one day as a time. Also if you are bothered with her leaving at 3 in the morning, I think maybe you should hold off on sex with her hoping it lead you both to discuss why. I am sure she will understand your irritibility on her leaving at 3am... but it will be a test to tell you if you two are compatible and how serious she is about you.

[Ms Darcy]

Wow, you are almost 44. Lucky you are a guy, in terms of having natural children. You can be a daddy at 50.

 

I wonder if you are going to be one of those 50/60s pot-smoking guys still drooling over the youngins. I'm thinking of Wooderson (Matthew McConaughey) from Dazed and Confused saying... one of my favorite quotes (paraphrase): "That's what I love about high school girls. I keep getting older and they stay the saaame age."