Getting back on the horse

[rapunzel]

I went on a date last night with a new guy from the online dating site. He was pleasant and we had a nice time but I did not feel any "wow" feeling. He did say in his profile he was separated and usually I avoid men who are separated...but his profile was appealing and he's age appropriate so I thought, "what the heck".

 

Last night I find out he's truly in the early throes of separation/divorce/splitting up assets/dealing with daughters ages 10 and 14. As part of this whole situation, he also tells me he's "broke". Love hearing that from a 50 y.o. man on a first date! I am not impressed by flashy cars and big houses....and I am financially secure because I chose to live below my means so that I could save enough money to live on when I'm old. It turns out this guy drives an Infiniti and just moved out of a huge house in a posh suburb that he admitted he could not afford. His soon to be ex is in the house and they are trying to decide when to tell their daughters they are going to be selling it. So we had some wine and some eats and the bill came to $75. He kept ordering more wine, and it was not cheap. I offered to pay half but he put it on his card, turning to me to say "I'm happy to get this as long as you get it next time". OK, that's fair but the way he said it was off-putting, as if it was some sort of conditional, bartering situation. A bit of a turn off.

 

So I came home and thoughts went immediately to the one who got away and disappeared on me two weeks ago. It's funny how when someone drops out of your life, all you can do is think about that person.

 

I feel badly as this guy dropped some money last night but I don't think I want to go out with him again. *sigh*. He should not be dating until his divorce is final but it's not my job to tell him that. I'm pretty sure he was into me and I'm going to have to either give it one more date (on me, of course) or say no to a second date. My sense is that I'm not willing to walk this guy through a messy separation/divorce.

 

Also, admittedly I am definitely not over the last guy but that was only two months and at 51, I feel like the time is NOW and I can't just sit around licking my wounds over someone who went POOF. Just trying to figure out how to handle this.

[Edmund Exley]

I wouldn't sit around and lick your wounds, but I would take things slow while they are still healing.

 

As for the guy you were out with, yes please stay clear. That has trainwreck written all over it. I'm guessing his needs for a lavish lifestyle are why he's so broke.

[Cherry1010]

Don't go out with him again. Him saying that was totally a turn off I agree.

[annie24]

Hey at least you tried!! Sorry about the dud.

[SapphireNoir10]

Yeah good idea not to see him again, wayyy too much baggage!

[Not a rookie]

Next time when a separated guy asks you on a date, tell him you only date divorced men not separated ones.

[rapunzel]

As I said, his profile did say he was separated. So I knew that going in...this is only my second internet date in well over a year so I'm just getting my feet wet. Can't blame the guy for trying but he should not be dating until he's divorced...

 

He was a nice person, not a dud. I just feel badly that I may have to reject him if he asks for a second date. Maybe he won't and I'll be off the hook!

[EssexMan]

he should not be dating until he's divorced...

 

I don't think that should be a hard-and-fast rule but in this case, yeah, it sounds like all the messiness and complexity is still ahead of him...

[april15]

Divorced is better. Separated can be ok depending on your and his circumstances. Sounds like for your case, his circumstances do not match yours. I am pretty sure from what you stated, even if he was divorced this would not be a match.

 

If you had a good time and will enjoy spending a few hours with this guy knowing that it is a dead end, go on and have the second date, but at the end let him know that you did not feel the wow and it is your last date. Sounds to me like you should just cut it off now. You tried to pay half, you are not responsible for this guys financial stability, obviously he doesn't think he is either.

[rapunzel]

Yeah. We'll just have to wait and see if he asks me out again. If he doesn't, problem solved!

 

I am trying to give people that I don't feel instant "chemistry" with a chance (because as I learned recently, chemistry can blow up in your face) but not only did I not feel chemistry, I also feel trepidation at dealing with his current life circumstance. Not a great beginning..

[lavenderdove]

OK, what i would do if this were me would be to get his address and send him a $25 coupon for a dinner at TGIF or some other local restaurant, with a nice note that you had a good time but don't think you're suited but you didn't want him to be out the cost of your dinner so here's a coupon for a night out on you!

 

Next time if you get in a situation where it's an expensive dinner and you know you won't be seeing him again, just insist on paying for your half of the dinner so that you don't feel obligated. also try to go on coffee dates or something that doesn't cost a lot for the first date such that it is not a big investment if you don't like each other.

 

Dating is a numbers game.. you have to look at it as you do when you're looking for a new house. I had an agent tell me that most people look at 30 houses before they settle on one, so you do have to go on a lot for first (and second/third etc.) dates before you find a keeper. Don't take any one of them too seriously and just keep moving on to the next one if you don't see something you like.

[Blue Spiral]

As part of this whole situation, he also tells me he's "broke". Love hearing that from a 50 y.o. man on a first date! I am not impressed by flashy cars and big houses....and I am financially secure because I chose to live below my means so that I could save enough money to live on when I'm old.

 

Is he broke because of unwise choices, or because of the divorce? If he bought the car and house back when they had more money--when he could safely afford to do it--and the divorce costs are wrecking his finances, that's different, IMHO. I mean, he's paying for the family-sized house he used to live in *and* presumably a new place.

[rapunzel]

True, I should have insisted but at that point (almost three glasses of wine later) I did not know I probably did not want to see him again. I was still in the middle of the date and I was enjoying his company. It was not until I got home and was able to reflect on the date that it became clear.

 

When we made the plans, I told him we would be meeting for one glass of wine and see how it goes. I would have been fine if we did that but he wanted to get another glass (and yes, another...) Then he wanted to order some appetizers. So I went along with it.....maybe if I was not drinking, I would not have.

 

If the last guy I dated KNEW on our last (fifth) date that he was going to disappear and not see me again, should he have indulged in some fun, passionate intimacy with me? Making me think he was WAY into me and we'd be seeing each other again? Probably not, but he did. It kind of goes both ways and there are no guarantees (clearly) when dating. I'm not blaming this guy for what the last guy did but sometimes you just don't know when you are in the moment.

[rapunzel]

Is he broke because of unwise choices, or because of the divorce? If he bought the car and house back when they had more money--when he could safely afford to do it--and the divorce costs are wrecking his finances, that's different, IMHO. I mean, he's paying for the family-sized house he used to live in *and* presumably a new place.

 

Not sure, it was not appropriate to ask these questions. I know divorce is rough on men financially especially when children are involved. Even well-heeled men who drive expensive cars and buy big houses and live beyond their means (maybe even MORE so then...)

[Blue Spiral]

Not sure, it was not appropriate to ask these questions. I know divorce is rough on men financially especially when children are involved. Even well-heeled men who drive expensive cars and buy big houses and live beyond their means (maybe even MORE so then...)

 

I absolutely agree, but there's a difference between "living beyond your means" and "living within your means, and then you get divorced and you have less to work with."

[rapunzel]

Well, just got an email from him, part of which says:

 

"It was really nice to meet you last night. I'd be interested in seeing you again if you are."

 

Ugh.

[PaintWithLight]

Well, just got an email from him, part of which says:

 

"It was really nice to meet you last night. I'd be interested in seeing you again if you are."

 

Ugh.

 

Why not just have a 2nd date?? I mean, you sorta left that door open by accepting his suggestion that it would be your treat on date #2. A second date will give you a chance to pick up the tab and also confirm your decision. You could keep things on the friendship level during the date so when he is informed of your final decision, it will not be that much of a shock.

 

Or just cut to the chase now and tell him that you are not interested. Part of the dating world for men is picking up the occasional dinner here and there. It is not like it was an airplane ticket.

[Ms Darcy]

I am sorry that last guy poofed on you. Hope you can get over that.

[cupcake22]

you got to kiss a lot of frogs to find the prince!

[rapunzel]

I am sorry that last guy poofed on you. Hope you can get over that.

 

Thanks. Not over it yet but I'm working on it.

 

I decided because I also have some other stuff going on that I have to deal with, and because of his current pre-divorce situation, to not to go on a second date with this guy I just met the other night. I sent him a very nicely worded email explaining why (he knew about my stuff, I just don't feel like describing it here for privacy reasons, it's not something so intimate or embarrassing that you wouldn't tell another person about it). I also gently alluded to his stuff and suggested in a few months when things clear maybe we reconnect. He wrote right back thanking me. So I feel OK with my decision.

[lavenderdove]

>>So I went along with it.....maybe if I was not drinking, I would not have.

 

LOL... oh, that is why i have a 'one drink' rule on early dates with someone so i don't get into trouble! That rosy glow can get you into trouble which you only realize when you sober up!

[LoveSoDeep]

It's true wine can get you in trouble. I'm very gald the last first internet date I had was for coffee/breakfast. At first it felt a little odd....but it worked out well...less pressure, not an expensive meal and if he had tried to kiss me it would have been super awkward so no pressure there either.

 

The next guy you find you want to meet...and trust me there will be many more. Stick too coffee or lunch even.

[rapunzel]

It's true wine can get you in trouble. I'm very gald the last first internet date I had was for coffee/breakfast. At first it felt a little odd....but it worked out well...less pressure, not an expensive meal and if he had tried to kiss me it would have been super awkward so no pressure there either.

 

The next guy you find you want to meet...and trust me there will be many more. Stick too coffee or lunch even.

 

I've tried the coffee date. With meeting strangers it feels too bright, direct, immediate. Too much pressure. The ambiance of a brightly lit lunch or coffee place just doesn't work for me on a first meeting. I feel too exposed and prefer a dimly lit bar for a first meeting. One glass of wine should be the rule (and although I've just started doing this internet dating, I tell the guy "let's agree to meet for one glass of wine and see how it goes". That way if I want "out" after the one glass, I did not mislead the guy into thinking I'm going to spend hours with him, over dinner or food. Actually, this guy Monday night was only my second internet date..in almost two years). If I like the guy and we're having fun, it does usually lead to two. Oh well...

 

I like your optimism about meeting many more though. For me it's exceedingly rare to find one I like.

[LoveSoDeep]

Hmmm....I felt taht way too at first but I find if I pick a small local cafe or off-beat breakfast joint not you usual Starbucks or other big name coffee spot that it just feels cozy and relaxed. I'm sure there are place you could go that wouldn't be to bright etc. But it's s personal preference so to each her own.

 

There are plenty out there to meet just keep at it. I'm notoriously "picky" ugh I hat that label....it's not that I'm being picky it's that I'm very unique (maybe that sounds uppity but it's true I don't know how else to explain it). while I have a few things that I like that are conventional I almost never click with the "avergae" guy from my area(and yes I have considered that I'm inthe wrong area lol)...it gets old pretty fast but I just keep looking. Try to keep an opne mind....like you did with this guy...you don't suually see separated men...but you tired it...who knows it could have gone extremely well. And never feel bad about turning down a second date if you really just aren't feeling inot someone.

[bebeblondie]

I agree with you, I'm not a big fan of the coffee date either. I don't really see an issue in meeting them for one or two drinks, it actually allows me to be more relaxed. I have had a number of online dates and have not had that inhibit my judgement in anyway. I think if you are a social drinker who can handle a glass or two of wine it's not an issue, it only becomes an issue with people who just don't drink at all or very little (because then one glass of wine can you hit hard).