Getting back on the horse

[april15]

If it is Ugh, then don't go. Tell him you are not feeling a connection and don't want to waste his or your time. He had a good time with a lovely woman, you owe him nothing.

[rapunzel]

As I consider looking for other new guys to date, I have to admit I can't get my mind off the one who "poofed". So since I don't have a shrink, I'm blabbing about it here.

 

As I may have mentioned, we had FIVE dates. He started to distance, admittedly, after date four. Yet he still suggested a date five and we had a blast. Yet, for whatever reason, he decided he did not want to continue. Yes, I know...it is out of my hands and you can't make anyone want to be with you.

 

On date 5 he was very romantic, holding my hand, gently kissing it, putting his arm around me, gently touching me...flirting...offering to go get the car and pick me up, rather than having me walk to the car (it was VERY cold that night). He did not just want to drop me off after the date, he wanted to come up. We did not have "sex" but we did engage in some fun, passionate intimacy. It was pretty hot. He emailed me the next morning. I felt pretty confident I would be seeing him again, in fact, I really did not even think about it...it just seemed natural. After five dates, these were all indications that he was "into" me.

 

That was the end. As I said he emailed me the next morning (we never slept together/stayed over which I'm quite glad about) and a few days later, things seemed on track but in the second email he announced his absence coming up for the next week. In retrospect this wasn't that out of the ordinary (yet I realize now he was amping up the "slow fade".) After five dates, I thought it seemed appropriate for me to initiate so the following week I emailed him. He responded right back but continued to do the slow fade. Stupidly, I emailed him again a week later. Again, he responded the same night but left me hanging in the middle of an email conversation.

 

I accept that he no longer wants to see me but I remain confused as to why he would be so attentive and flirty and romantic on the last date and then just disappear. Yes, doh, he's a guy, he wanted some action. Yet, he must have known at that point he did not see a future with me. At this point in my life, I would NEVER go out with a man five times and fade. If I was not interested in him, we would not get past date two and I would be honest and as nice as possible about letting him know. The slow fade and disappearance is not a compassionate or mature way to end things with someone you had five dates with. Yes, I realize I cannot control other people, I can only control myself. It is disappointing to have someone behave this way. And it takes much longer for the woman (or man, if he was "slow faded" on...and yes, I know this happens to men too) to disengage emotionally from the situation and truly "move on".

 

This is a divorced, well-educated, middle-aged man with children, a career and a house.

 

I'll get over it. I just need to purge this emotional sh*t from my system. It's a process.

[Blue Spiral]

He did not just want to drop me off after the date, he wanted to come up. We did not have "sex" but we did engage in some fun, passionate intimacy.

 

That was the end.

 

In my opinion: he wanted sex, he didn't get it, and he's done. He's well-educated with a career and a house, so he's not in a "beggars can't be choosers" situation. A guy with fewer options might have kept going out with you; a guy with a lot to work with will just move onto greener pastures.

[annie24]

In my opinion: he wanted sex, he didn't get it, and he's done. He's well-educated with a career and a house, so he's not in a "beggars can't be choosers" situation. A guy with fewer options might have kept going out with you; a guy with a lot to work with will just move onto greener pastures.

 

if he just wanted sex, and she wants a relationship, then it's good he moved on so quickly. i'd like to think (hope??) that a guy who is really interested in a relationship won't leave so soon if he feels like there is a future there.

[Blue Spiral]

if he just wanted sex, and she wants a relationship, then it's good he moved on so quickly. i'd like to think (hope??) that a guy who is really interested in a relationship won't leave so soon if he feels like there is a future there.

 

I'm obviously the last person on earth who would know how a relationship-minded guy thinks, but...five dates into it and still no sex, and he may have viewed her "non-sexual intimacy" as her being a tease. The e-mail thing is a clue as well, IMHO. I can't tell you how many times I've initiated contact with a woman after she ignored me/rejected me on some level, and then thought, "What in god's name am I doing?? This is embarrassing, I'm spending all this effort on a woman I'm not even sleeping with." I think he e-mailed her, felt a loss of self-respect, and moved on.

[rapunzel]

Actually, we came very close to sex. I did not say "no", it just never got to actual "sex". He did not try. We did everything else. I am 50 y.o. and I don't have this wait 3-6 months time frame before sex. Also I have been living in a nunnery for the past three years. (Joke but you know what I'm saying) We were very intimate...e.g. on the last date we ended up lying sans clothes in each others arms and it felt very good and natural and it *seemed* like he was having a VERY good time.

 

He either was already having sex with someone else, or he knew he did not want to take things further with me so he decided to not go for it. Whatever the reason, I'm glad we did not do "the deed" as I would have felt a lot worse.

 

In my opinion, at least for me, the chemistry was off the charts from the first date.

[rapunzel]

I'm obviously the last person on earth who would know how a relationship-minded guy thinks, but...five dates into it and still no sex, and he may have viewed her "non-sexual intimacy" as her being a tease. The e-mail thing is a clue as well, IMHO. I can't tell you how many times I've initiated contact with a woman after she ignored me/rejected me on some level, and then thought, "What in god's name am I doing?? This is embarrassing, I'm spending all this effort on a woman I'm not even sleeping with." I think he e-mailed her, felt a loss of self-respect, and moved on.

 

As I just posted, we had pretty hot chemistry from the get-go. It kept building with each date and probably by the fifth or sixth date, I probably would have had sex with him. There is no way he could consider me a tease and he did not spend a lot of effort on me. I was agreeable to his advances. There is no way he could have felt rejected or that I was not "into" him. If he felt a loss of respect, then I have no idea where that would have come from. Maybe he took a joke the wrong way or something but he said plenty of teasy, "neg" type comments to me and I wanted to keep dating him.

 

I think it's possible he felt insecure about things...based on other things he said and how jealous he got when we ran into a male friend I knew at a bar. I don't believe anything I said or did would make him feel insecure. I could barely keep my hands off of him!

[Ms Darcy]

Rapunzel, I think it's possible that he just didn't know. I know you say if you knew you weren't interested, you would just end it but everyone is different.

 

What can happen when you are dating several people is that it takes a while to sift through the physical attraction to determine who you feel you would be more compatible with long-term. For men, these are two separate yet related questions. Your long breaks between dates, and his activity on a dating site, suggest that he was dating others. I just think it took him a while to finally choose. Perhaps something happened on date 5 to turn him OFF or something happened with another woman to turn him ON.

 

But either way, I got the impression he was pretty wishy washy about you for quite awhile.

[Sportster2005]

He obviously felt he had the money to drop on a date then disappear. So he's disappeared. Whatever, good bye. Don't worry about his money, that's his concern. I have empathy for men that struggle financially, but he blew you off, this is a non-issue.