my wife is pregnant from an affair...

[lavenderdove]

OK, the way i see it, the damage is already done... as in, she's already pregnant and can't take that back. and the OM does have a legal right to see the child if it is his. So it's a given that IF the child is his (and she didn't sleep wtih you or someone else) when he most likely will have the right to see it.

 

And it won't 'damage' your kids more if you stay with your wife because they will know one way or another that it is this other man's child, whether you stay or not. And it will damage them LESS if you are able to stay married and not disrupt their lives.

 

So your logic is more about protecting your EGO not having this man around. I think you can probably get over that if you work with a counselor to let go of any feelings of anger etc. you have towards this man and your wife. At a minimum, i would suggest counseling to help you think thru this and decide whether it is better for you to stay married or leave.

[abitbroken]

At a minimum, i would suggest counseling to help you think thru this and decide whether it is better for you to stay married or leave.

 

You have to decide whether to stay married to your wife or not based on the two of you and not "if the other man is around" or not. You have to either accept your wife back - or not. And let the chips fall where they may on the father of the child for THEM to sort out. S

[aheavyheart]

been a minute guys. i just wanted to fill you all in... the baby was born in the first week of august. The OM has had a few visitations thus far and has filed for paternity. The motion does not go to the courts until january. I will not allow him near our house and demand they meet in a public place. I have to protect my family somehow. My wife has not told the other children that the baby is their half-brother yet. At this point i feel that the longer we can put this off, the less devastating this will be for the children. I am still want this to work out but it has been very difficult...

[chitown9]

been a minute guys. i just wanted to fill you all in... the baby was born in the first week of august. The OM has had a few visitations thus far and has filed for paternity. The motion does not go to the courts until january. I will not allow him near our house and demand they meet in a public place. I have to protect my family somehow. My wife has not told the other children that the baby is their half-brother yet. At this point i feel that the longer we can put this off, the less devastating this will be for the children. I am still want this to work out but it has been very difficult...

 

I am sure that it is very difficult. My father-in-law sired a child outside of his marriage to my mother-in-law. They already had 5 children. Somehow they did include the child from the affair in their marriage. It was a girl, and she was always introduced by the 5 children as their sister. Not half sister, or anything like that. I always thought so highly of the mother. I heard also that the mother took this girl into their home and raised her for some years. I don't know the details. I couldn't really ask much of my mother-in-law as there was a language barrier. I don't think that your situation is that uncommon. It is uncommon, but not unheard of. So what I am trying to say is that other peope have dealt with such situations, and you can to. Nobody said it would be easy. It does sound like your family is united. My question to you is are you happy? :star: chi

[QWit]

So sorry about your situation.. The important question is if you think you will be ok with it... If you decide to save your marriage then well, you may endure a long road.. However, if you decide to leave your wife, you are within your right to. Your issues are more with her than the OM.. Whatever you decide, may you be strong..

[abitbroken]

I think you are walking a fine line here. If you hide the fact that the baby is not yours to your kids, when they find out later, they will not trust you. Yes, divorce is tough on kids, but kids are better when both parents are honest with the kids rather than making up a lie that they later find out is untrue. If you guys divorce and they are told the baby is not yours, they might not "do the math" as much accept all the hurt at one time. Or if you stay together, you might be able to hide it for a short time until mom says something or until the baby can talk.

 

If they are raised to believe the child is their full sibling and later the sibling tells them the man who they go with sometimes is really their father, they will start to feel less secure and believe someone will come who is THEIR "real" parent at some point, or they will not just feel distrust towards your wife who betrayed the family but to you too.

 

Divorce is hard on kids, but losing your sense of security that you can trust your parents is sometimes even worse.

 

I think there is no way that you can prevent the child's biological father from being in the child's life and you shouldn't be able to, so you have to go from there.

[Moontiger]

You and your wife better figure out how to tell the kids the truth soon. The longer you wait the harder it will be on them when they find out the truth.

[aheavyheart]

We feel that the more the baby is loved now by the children, that they will be more likely to not look at their sibling as a half- brother. The paternity hearing is not until December. Trying to at least get through the holidays.

[Moontiger]

We feel that the more the baby is loved now by the children, that they will be more likely to not look at their sibling as a half- brother. The paternity hearing is not until December. Trying to at least get through the holidays.

 

I highly suggest (again) that you and your wife contact a child therapist. If you care about their emotional well being that is.

[lavenderdove]

OK, i'm going to speak for the child here from the standpoint of if you treat this like it's a 'dirty little secret' that must be hidden from the child and siblings, then when the child does find out later in life that they have a different paternity (and that is NECESSARY information for health and other reasons) they will feel angry, manipulated, like something is wrong with them and that they are 'less than' their siblings becuase this is a secret so 'dirty' it needs to be hidden, when the truth is it is no fault of the child's at all.

 

I think there are ways and ages and times when it is appropriate to share that information, and you can consult a child therapist about the best way to handle this situation. Note that the world is FULL of adopted children who know they are adopted and loved because they are taught that ALL children have value and are equally worthy of love, regardless of their genetic origins. You need to find it in your heart to treat this child as well as any other adopted child rather than as if they are 'tainted by sin' from some 17th century sense of outdated morals.

 

And if this other man is the father, he does have rights. So you need to accept that, and if he is the father, work out a decent co-parenting relationship with him for the sake of all the children.

[lavenderdove]

btw, i think you are over-projecting onto your kids the 'devastation' factor. YOU are devastated because your wife cheated on you and you have visible evidence of that, but she did not cheat on her kids. So there are ways to present this to them that will make sense to them, and not make it a big tragedy in their minds. It is a tragedy in YOUR mind because she was unfaithful to YOU, but in children's minds, it's just another sibling added to the family. They may be curious for a while, then it will just be business as usual for them. The ways of adults are mysterious to them, and they will not feel your outrage etc. at the idea the way you do.

[Moontiger]

Lavendoerdove, as always, you have said everything I wanted to say but in a much better way than I could have.

 

There are a lot going on in this situation. You can't tell this child-of-the-affair that they were just straight up adopted but the bio-dad is clearly not going away (and good for him stepping up to have a relationship with his child). The older children will very quickly start to wonder why their little sibling keeps being taken to meet some random guy and they will start to ask questions. The child of the affair will also reach an age when they begin to ask questions about why they have a different bio-dad then their siblings. So, just telling them they were adopted seems out of the question. But you don't exactly want to tell a small child that their mother went out and boinked another dude and found herself prego.

 

I find myself almost physically ill because of the actions of all the adults in this situation.

 

OP: You are more focused on being angry at this OM then doing what's best of this child. You already know how to get him out of your life (give him full custody) but instead you would happily rip a father and child apart while having the gall to be offended by the very IDEA of the same thing being done to you.

 

The Mother: Has no problem being completely selfish and only pulled out the "I have a mental illness" card when she was caught with her hand in the cookie jar.

 

Other Man: Clearly not a winner and made some very bad choices (getting a woman like this pregnant for one).

 

If ANY of these adults chooses to get out of their own heads for five minuets hopefully they will eventually see that this child has a right to know its father, mother, and siblings.

[bulletproof]

At this point i feel that the longer we can put this off, the less devastating this will be for the children. I am still want this to work out but it has been very difficult...

 

I think you should talk to multiple child therapists and see if that is in fact true. I feel that the opposite would be true- the sooner they know, the better. But please at least do them the favor of getting expert opinions so you can be sure.

[Iggles]

I agree with everything lavenderdove and Moontiger said.

 

We feel that the more the baby is loved now by the children, that they will be more likely to not look at their sibling as a half- brother. The paternity hearing is not until December. Trying to at least get through the holidays.

 

Why in God's green earth are you dragging this out longer? You know this guy is the father, what's stopping you from mediating this out with your lawyers to get the proper legal documents signed?

 

You know the facts - Your wife cheated on you. You are NOT the father. That baby is the other guy's biological CHILD. He has the right to see his baby and be a part of his/her life, whether you like it or not!

 

THIS is what you signed up for when you decided to stay with your wife. She decided to continue the pregnancy AND raise the child. IF you wanted this other man out of the picture, then handing over full custody of the baby once it was born would be the way to do it. Instead, you BOTH decided to raise this baby, so guess what? The child's biological father STILL HAS THE RIGHT to be involved in his child's upbringing. Your marriage does NOT invalidate that!

 

Step up and work this out already. You feel upset and awkward that the world will know your wife had a child with another man? Too bad. You're an adult and that means sometimes we have to suck it up. No one would have blamed you for divorcing your wife for the affair, but you chose to stay. Your anger at the other man cannot justify blatantly trying to cut him out of his child's life and covering up the paternity of the baby to your children and family members!

[Moontiger]

The problem here is the OP wants everything set up so the wife takes zero responsibility and he can pretend none of this ever happened. He wants the child that is not his to fit in seamlessly with his other child, pretending that it is in fact his child and cutting this poor baby off from their REAL father. This way he never has to confront the truth about what his wife has done. In other words, he is living in a fantasy world where he and his family are being persecuted by this "evil" man who has the gall to want to be part of his child's life (what a monster #sarcasm).

[Fudgie]

The kids will eventually find out the truth, and you and your wife will be to blame in their eyes. You can't lie to your kids about something like this, you just can't.

 

It is wrong on so many levels for you to try and cut this man out of his child's life. It's his baby. Not yours.

 

If you stay with your wife, you'll have to deal with this man for the rest of your life. That's the consequence you get for staying with a woman who clearly can't keep her legs shut. Yes, that's right: SHE'S TO BLAME TOO.

 

The law isn't on your side here.

[LadyMing]

Can I ask, when the guy comes around to see the children, who and what do you and your wife introduce him as to your children? If he hasn't come around yet as you stated you only allow them meet in a public place, when in January he get's paternity what are you going to tell your children? Children are not stupid and you need to give your children more credit than you are. I believe the younger they are, the easier it is for them to accept this and deal with it, the longer you leave it and the older they become the harder it will be and the harder they will take it. My parents are married, I am 25, my sister is 8, if my mum got knocked up by another man, while still being married to my dad...I would go mental, but my 8 year old sister would handle it much better in that she would be more tolerant.... Honestly, you owe your children honesty. Don't do what your wife did to you, to your children...It's one thing them having to deal with what their mum did, but then to deal with their dad joining in and lying to them is another thing.

[aheavyheart]

We had the first court hearing this past week. I really do not know how all of this is going to work out. We are soon going to have to explain this to the other kids. They love their little brother

[Moontiger]

We had the first court hearing this past week. I really do not know how all of this is going to work out. We are soon going to have to explain this to the other kids. They love their little brother

 

Talk to a children's therapist. If you care about your kids seek advice from a professional who can guide you.

[aheavyheart]

Talk to a children's therapist. If you care about your kids seek advice from a professional who can guide you.

 

We have consulted a therapist and she has given us some good advice. Basically that he has another father and we love the baby and we love our kids. We need to let them know that the posom loves his son just like we love them. And to answer any questions honestly. We will have the therapist available on short notice depending on how this unfolds. We still plan on waiting until after the holidays but that might change. Court has ordered 3 days a week temporary visitation.

[Fudgie]

If you're going to have this kid in your family, you should probably stop calling the dad a "posom". I know what that means. THis kid is going to grow up in your family and if you show that you hate his father, well, it won't end well for you. It just won't.

 

Probably should get the therapist in and have a little family meeting before the visitation kicks in.

[Moontiger]

If you're going to have this kid in your family, you should probably stop calling the dad a "posom". I know what that means. THis kid is going to grow up in your family and if you show that you hate his father, well, it won't end well for you. It just won't.

 

Probably should get the therapist in and have a little family meeting before the visitation kicks in.

 

Agreed. Any hostility towards the other man, even the slightest, will make this poor little baby feel very confused and insecure. His brothers and sisters will pick up on your attitude and will likely become hostile towards their new sibling. Time to put on your pig boy pants, shallow your pride and welcome this other man into your family because he going to be their forever.

 

If you don't want that then you and your wife need to sign over custody to him.

[Mesemene]

First - your wife is bipolar, not profoundly retarded. You diminish her abilities by not permitting her to be responsible for her actions. If you deemed her responsible enough to raise your children, she's responsible enough to realize pulling down her panties for another man was wrong. And a big enough girl to get counseling and therapy so she can be a better mother and wife. If you make your expectations of her this low - she will live down to them. No excuses - while her bipolar tendencies may have made the situation more tempting - it didn't silence her conscience or make her do it. So give her enough credit to push her to get help for her issues.

 

Next,

We feel that the more the baby is loved now by the children, that they will be more likely to not look at their sibling as a half- brother.

 

Unless YOU make it a stigma, your kids won't give a rat's behind about being "half" siblings.

 

My stepsons are half brothers, and they have a half sister who their mom adopted to a couple she was friends with who couldn't have more children. They know and visit her often.

 

They don't refer to each other as "half" anything. That's only genetics. They love, fight, and share or don't share just like any other kids. The ONLY time the half even comes up as a topic is our concern that while we have them both over weekends etc - if something were to happen where their mother got annoyed, we have no legal right to continue contact with the elder boy, since there's no blood relationship.

 

Apart from that, neither they nor we care. Oh, sure, I imagine as they get to be annoying teens they will use it as a stick to poke a bit - they're kids. But all they feel is brotherly, not half.

 

The biggest danger is YOU making this child feel that he or she is in any way responsible for being somehow less in your eyes than your other children. While the bio dad has the right to be involved, when it comes to day to day life, YOU need to be as involved as if this child came from your loins. This kid needs a hands on day to day father who will love him unreservedly. And if you can work it out with the bio dad, you can make him feel special for it, not stigmatized. But that is up to you.

 

For all the kid's sake - you need to develop at least a modicum of respect for this other guy. You can't have an authority figure in your children's lives while you completely disrespect everything about him, or make snide remarks, without completely confusing them. You don't have to like him, become his friend, or give him manly hugs - but you do need to work out a working relationship you can deal with where you won't be undermining each other, and where he has a normal adult status with the other children.

 

Get a mediator involved if needed - your lawyer should be able to recommend one - and get this hashed out.

[bulletproof]

We need to let them know that the posom ...

 

After all this time, you are still blaming this other man for the flaws and missteps of your wife. He is not married to you, she is. He did not pledge any loyalty to you. My guess is that you, your wife, and your children will suffer in the long run until you come to terms with this emotionally.

[Fudgie]

If you really can't let go of the anger towards the other man, I agree with Moontiger, you and your wife need to sign over custody before you do real emotional damage. I advocated for that in the first place but you didn't listen. You making excuses for your wife, only blaming the man, staying with your wife, and getting attached to another man's baby is all going to hurt you and the family.