my wife is pregnant from an affair...

[Fudgie]

I guess I really meant to say that if the wife has the child, trying to stay together afterward is near impossible. If she does not have the child, working things out is feasible but still unreasonable.

 

Agreed. Here is my concern with taking her back (child and all)

 

1) There will always be a biological reminder of her affair running around (literally). This makes it impossible to heal. Oh, and be prepared for the other man coming by to see the illegitimate child!

 

2) Accept the child fully in the family, and I think it "normalizes" this kind of f___kery and shows kids "Hey! It's okay that Mommy can't keep her legs closed! She even gets pregnant and Daddy still takes her back! Look at the cute baby that resulted from her infidelity! Cheating can sometimes turn out GREAT!"

 

I think if the marriage even has a chance at surviving, she needs to abort the child. If she wanted to make the marriage work, she'd abort it ad be done with the other man. By keeping the child, she is essentially taking a giant dump on your marriage. It preserves contact with the other man and it tortures you everyday because you have to look at the consequence of it everyday when you get up.

[aheavyheart]

That is not possible Fudgie, for her to have an abortion being that she is 15 weeks.

[lavenderdove]

The first thing you need to do is to talk to a lawyer to understand the complexities of this. In many areas, if you are married and living with your wife when she gives birth, even if it is some other man's child, you are financially responsible to pay child support should she leave. And she could have this baby, decide to leave and you'd be on the hook for child support for FOUR children.

 

Next, what if you do reconcile and get her through this pregnancy, and if she is in love with this other man and has the baby, then decides to leave you for him, you are paying child support for her to run off and take your money and live with her lover.

 

And if you take her back AFTER she admits to adultery and start sleeping with her again, legally that may be 'condoning' the affair which means you may not have the right to sue for divorce on grounds of adultery which you should do in order to preserve your rights and do better in the divorce. So you do need to get the advice of a lawyer in terms of what all this means and how you should handle it. for all you know this could be a ploy where she gets you to take her back (condone the adultery), then has the baby and leaves again and demands custody of all the children, yours and his.

 

So please first get that advice.

 

I'd also talk to a counselor on your own to talk thru this with someone who is experienced in these types of issues to help you make the decision. There are indeed cases where people can get thru this kind of thing and stay together, BUT you've learned you can't trust and she has said she is in love with this other man so that is something you can't ignore. It may not be over between him and her, just perhaps a spat and she ran home to the security of you, but once she feels safe again, he may woo her back, especially if he has said he will exercise his rights to see this child. Or she may run off with yet a third man next time she gets bored with the domestic routine.

 

So i suggest you first see an attorney and discuss the complexities here and the probable outcomes for staying vs. going. you also schedule some sessions with a counselor to discuss whether it might be better to stay or go.

 

And if she got a DUI, does she have a drinking problem? If that is the case, i would say hands down the best advice is to divorce her AND get custody of your 3 children because she could indeed neglect your children, damage them emotionally, and kill or maim them in a drunk driving incident. And if she is drinker, this new child could have fetal alcohol syndrome which is a significicant disability that you may not want to deal with given this isn't your child.

[Fudgie]

That is not possible Fudgie, for her to have an abortion being that she is 15 weeks.

 

You can up to 19-20 weeks. She can also give it up for adoption or to the OM.

 

Please follow lavanderdoves advice and get help. Don't take her back right away. You bare really setting yourself up for failure.

[itsallgrand]

 

And if she got a DUI, does she have a drinking problem? If that is the case, i would say hands down the best advice is to divorce her AND get custody of your 3 children because she could indeed neglect your children, damage them emotionally, and kill or maim them in a drunk driving incident. And if she is drinker, this new child could have fetal alcohol syndrome which is a significicant disability that you may not want to deal with given this isn't your child.

 

I agree with all of Lavender's post.

 

The part I quote here though was the part that seems the main thing to consider - the children. I'm so concerned about these kids, including the current fetus. FAS can be HORRIBLE. And that is only one of MANY risks she puts that fetus at right now.

 

Talk to an attorney. Please.

 

I know you love her and want to be with her, but that honestly isn't the most important thing right now. At least not in my world?! Kids come first. And she is putting these kids at really serious risks!!

 

Sometimes loving someone means having to step up and be "the bad guy" if need be when they prove to be not competent to do what needs to be done. Is she even competent?

 

Perhaps even legally, she is not. Is that why she was not allowed to have custody of the children and no overnights? Is child services involved in this now?

 

No way in hell would I allow her to lead this wild ride. It'd be irresponsible of you to allow her to. If it were only you at stake, that would be a different story. But there's kids....so the whole thing boils down to IMO...

 

what is best for the kids?? You need professional guidance with this.

[aheavyheart]

Thanks for all of the good advice. The main problem i have right now is the OM trying to get in contact with my wife. she admits the affair was a mistake but i think she still harbors some feelings for him even though we are sort of normal right now. Is that normal??? It presents some challenges for me. How can i make him go away?

[aheavyheart]

If she still has feelings for him then can this be fixed???

[Justme3]

What exactly is it that you want "fixed"? If she still has feelings for him then how can you have a "marriage" with her? She has made a mess. It's not up to you to clean it up. You get your kids and stabilize your home for them. Let her take care of her mess.

[chickydoodle]

If she still has feelings for him then can this be fixed???

 

NO.

There will be endless drama and pain ahead, for you. You will have to SHARE her and new baby ( HIS CHILD) with this man you obviously/understandably despise

 

For now I think she should live with the consequenes of her actions.

Give THEM enough time together for their r'ship to truly fizzle out.

If she gets with you now she will always wonder ''what if'' - esp if she is unhappy. You will be the one blamed and she will pine for him.

Let her be with HIM and pine for you .......

Trying to work it out with her NOW is futile. IMO.

[aheavyheart]

are there any statistics out there that relate to my situation?

[Ms Darcy]

I agree that trying to work it out with a wife who has feelings for the other guy is pointless.

[Fudgie]

Look up stories online, OP.

 

If she's in love with the other guy and not you, it will NEVER EVER work. She will not stay with you. She has no reason to. She isn't in love with you. Why would she stay? For her kids? Well she had a kid now with this new guy too.

 

Time to call up a lawyer.

[chickydoodle]

are there any statistics out there that relate to my situation?

 

Statistics do reveal that when couples get back together to try again it rarely works.

Your siutaion is compounded with the child.

 

I believe she is very fearful and using you as an anchor. She is afraid he isnt father /husband partner material. She knows you are......so she is going for the ''safe''option.

In time when things settle she will wonder why she feared being with him so much and maybe she didnt give it a real go.....( human nature).

 

I feel for you, I really do. It may be that you have to give it a go with her and new baby.....and expose your already vulnerable heart to more pain.....but most of us cant make decisions based on others advice or statistics until we experience and see things for what they really are.

 

It may be worth asessing HIS feelings on this. If he doesnt really want this child and is feeling trapped - you have a fighting chance.

 

You really need to have a group talk, with him included, to plan what is best for the child. You need to make sure he is not going to 'play games' once a decision is made. You will only know this after meeting him and sussing out the kind of person he is.

[lostandhurt]

Reading your post and then your question I can see you really answered your own question.

 

You were having problems before she cheated, she had issues and you rmarriage was in trouble. THEN she cheated and told you about it and you tried to work it out but she thought it would be okay to be "friends" with her bf and flaunt it in your face.

 

Now she is pregnant, living on her own and the shine has worn off the affair so she wants to work things out.

 

Step 1

Seek legal advice and file for legal seperation and tell her she cannot stay at your house any longer while you figure out what you are going to do.

Step 2

Take your time. There is no rush to do anything here. You are still stunned and scared so give yourself time to make sound choices for yourself and children.

Step 3

Keep your children close to you and make sure they are the number one focus through all this no matter what happens.

Step 4

Try and make a list or what needs to repaired and what the chances of fixing it are. Be brutally honest with yourself.

 

These should get you going in a good direction until you get your feet under you again.

 

I think your wife is scared and wants the comfort that you provide for her while she is pregnant. I find it interesting that she didn't want to reconcile with your and loves the other guy but didn't move in with him and now wants you.

Don't be used any longer. Do this on your terms with a clear head. I think you know she cannot be trusted and more than likely will start cheating with him again as soon as she is bored, doesn't like the way things are going or just because she can.

 

What ever you do do not let your name be put on the birth certificate and for sure do not adopt the child!

 

Take your time and like you said "let her figure out her own mess" while you decide what is best for you.

 

Lost

[aheavyheart]

I thank everyone for their thoughtful insight to my f'd up situation. We are living together at the moment and in counseling. Our children do not know yet but will soon because she is visibly starting to show. I am still weighing how to deal with this. made some progress but still don't see the answer...

[ExcitedtoSleep]

We are here for you. At this point, I guess that all we can do is hope the counseling leads you two to the best possible outcome.

[aheavyheart]

In counseling still... OM wants to be involved with his son. My wife has not had any contact with him but it seems inevitable. Our children know she is pregnant but they think it is mine. She has been diagnosed as bi-polar and cant have any meds due to the pregnancy... I am concerned that this might give om a chance at custody. Any suggestions on how to deal with this.

[aheavyheart]

Not giving up yet...

[dgribble]

if this OM is asking for his parental rights, which he is entitled to, there is nothing you can do about it. even though he's a POSOM, he has as much right to the child as your wife does. this is why everyone is telling you to cut your loses. he will ALWAYS be in your life as long as you're with your wife. there is no way around it, unless he forgoes all parental rights.

 

you're just gonna have to deal with it.

 

 

your stuck with him- simple as that!

[Fudgie]

You can't force the guy to give up his rights. Considering that your wife still loves him and he probably still loves her, this baby gives them a legal and automatic reason for them to see each other and you can't do anything about it. That's why myself and others are telling you to cut your losses when you still can.

[lostandhurt]

It is time to bring everything out in the open. Your children are being affected by this and need to know what is going on. This is a family problem and if you don't dicuss it with your children soon it will only get harder and make them feel like you haven't been honest with them.

 

If you decide to allow your wife to stay you have to know her boyfriend will be in all of your lives for at least 18 years and more than likely much longer. It is hard enough dealing with a cheating spouse that has betrayed you without having to have their lover around all the time.

 

I really don't see how she is remorseful or cares for anyone but herself. This is how I see your wife from the outside looking in:

 

1. She has shown a complete disregard for your feelings or the well being on your children.

2. She is very selfish.

3. She is now bi-polar.

4. She is in love with someone other than you and is carrying his baby.

5. She didn't want to work things out until her fun times ended.

6. She may or may not have been trying to get pregnant by this guy.

7. She has a lot of trouble with honesty and respect.

 

This was a very tough road even if she wasn't pregnant with some losers child but throwing that into the mix plus he wants to be involved in the childs life makes this nearly impossible to live with. Sure you can keep your family together, not divorce your wife, help raise someone else's child and have to deal with the guy coming around but at what cost to you? How much crap will you have to eat, how many times will you have to wonder what she is up to, how many times will you have to relive her cheating because he is a constant reminder?

 

I think you are a good man trying to fix something that is un-fixable. The only way I see to fix this is for you to have a lot of pain and hurt in your life for a long time. Your children need a happy and healthy father, not one that is stressed out and beat down.

 

Time to think what is best for you for the long haul...

 

best wishes

Lost

[aheavyheart]

she says that having relationship with him was the biggest mistake of her life... OM wants to be involved... my wife told him it is best for everyone for him to be out of the picture. hard choices to be made

[pl3asehelp]

she says that having relationship with him was the biggest mistake of her life... OM wants to be involved... my wife told him it is best for everyone for him to be out of the picture. hard choices to be made

 

Particularly given that he has rights and his choices in this matter will affect all of you.

[aheavyheart]

thank you for all of your support friends

[Fudgie]

Yeah he does have a chance because he's the father. She's a cheating, unmedicated mentally ill wife who isn't on meds. I think the child shouldn't be with her. What are you going to do? Raise the kid with your other kids like nothing is wrong? You're kidding yourself..

 

Honestly, I hope she loses custody. She needs to learn that it's not good to be a cheating, classless w___e. That kid deserves a better parent than an unmedicated w___e for a mom.