my wife is pregnant from an affair...

[Moontiger]

Actually I just thought of away to keep him out your and your family's life: Set up legally for him to take full and complete custody of the child right after birth. Have your wife give up her rights to the child. Problem solved.

[aheavyheart]

then i guess i have no options on doing the right thing to save my family moontiger. i accept my faults... that is everything in the actions i have and made and will take to save my family. i appreciate all of your advice, but i feel the best thing for my children is for us to be together and keep OM out of our lives

[Moontiger]

then i guess i have no options on doing the right thing to save my family moontiger. i accept my faults... that is everything in the actions i have and made and will take to save my family. i appreciate all of your advice, but i feel the best thing for my children is for us to be together and keep OM out of our lives

 

You can keep him out by having your wife give up the baby to him. Then you get what you want and he gets what he wants. Everyone is happy.

[JJ2980]

I feel for you OP. This situation isn't of your doing - your wife made a bad decision and it will have reverberating effects for the rest of your lives. I understand why you wouldn't want this other guy around - he helped to put a rift in your marriage although to be fair I'd assign more blame to your wife as she was the one who made a marriage vow to you. If this guy is determined to be a presence in the babys life then I'm not sure what you think you can do to stop him and neither should you. I get that you're trying to keep your family together but you are stuck with the situation being what it is so maybe you can work out a visitation schedule whereby A) You don't do hand over of the baby at either parties homes B) Look into have a court-appointed party be the good-between and deliver the child to and fro between either side. I doubt the father will get more than every other weekend or maybe one day a week so the child will be with you and your wife the majority of the time anyway. I know your faith and trust has been shattered but if you want your marriage to get back on track then the hard work needs to be done between you and your wife. Easier said than done, I know! Good luck to you and your family.

[Justme3]

I think you have been trying to do the right things considering what you have to deal with. It's your wife that didnt do the right thing and now it's as if you're tryi g to clean up what she created.

The fact is that she chose to be with another man while married to you. As a consequence of her actions, she is now pregnant from another man. This man has a right to be a father to this baby just like she has a right to be the mother. Keeping him away is an idealistic thought.

Because of what your wife has created, you both have to decide what is best for the baby and not just what is best for your family unit. Eventually, at the right time, your kids will know the baby is not yours. This is something your wife will have to deal with when thst time comes. How you deal with it now is what will keep your family strong. Just keeping the real father away doesn't solve the problems.

It's almost sounds as if you're taking the responsibility of it instead of your wife who created this.

[aheavyheart]

been a while... how messed up is this? My attorney advised that my wifes income is based on my income as a stay at home mom. I make well over six figures and he POSOM makes well below that i am sure. Since my wifes income is based on mine, if they have joint custody and we stay together, there is a scenario that we would have to pay him child support when he has done nothing to pay for this pregnancy!!! F'n crazy...

[abitbroken]

Have you checked into the local laws to make sure the child isn't yours legally - some states consider any child born during a marriage whether the paternity belongs to the husband or not - the child of the husband.

 

been a while... how messed up is this? My attorney advised that my wifes income is based on my income as a stay at home mom. I make well over six figures and he POSOM makes well below that i am sure. Since my wifes income is based on mine, if they have joint custody and we stay together, there is a scenario that we would have to pay him child support when he has done nothing to pay for this pregnancy!!! F'n crazy...

 

But if a woman is divorced or remarried, her child support from her ex doesn't change if the new husband makes a lot of money. Her alimony would go away, but its not based on her current spouse because that could go away. So it makes no sense for him to get hefty child support from your wife if she relies solely on you for income. If they have joint custody physical custody where he has the kid half the week, he likely would have to pay for the expenses the child incurs while with him and vice versa. There is no cookie cutter arrangement. But i am not a lawyer. Heaven help the judge who decides that one.

 

But you keep saying "if we stay together." What have you decided to do? I would think you would need some time away from her to get a clear head, but that's just me.

[JustLetGo]

You can keep him out by having your wife give up the baby to him. Then you get what you want and he gets what he wants. Everyone is happy.

 

This is the best solution. Although your wife might have a hard time with it, but then again it is her fault.

 

I can share my experience about having a half-brother:

When I was 16 I heard my mom was pregnant from another man, one who has never seen his child because he chose to be with another woman.

I know my half-brother (now 9) has done nothing wrong and practically has no father, I love him as much as my 'fullblood' brother.

So hopefully that thought will help you a bit.

[lavenderdove]

been a while... how messed up is this? My attorney advised that my wifes income is based on my income as a stay at home mom. I make well over six figures and he POSOM makes well below that i am sure. Since my wifes income is based on mine, if they have joint custody and we stay together, there is a scenario that we would have to pay him child support when he has done nothing to pay for this pregnancy!!! F'n crazy...

 

Well, you should have the lawyer argue against joint custody. Courts usually only give joint custody if both parents are showing themselves to be reasonable and able to co-parent without conflict. And since this child is the result of an affair and you have a family life where this child would be raised with other siblings, I doubt the judge would grant joint custody.

 

Most likely the bio father would be given visitation rights and only pay a small sum (or none) if you have a good income. I think it would be to your best interests to show you are reasonable and not fight to keep this other man away from the child, but to agree to visitation but not grant him joint custody. I seriously doubt any court would give him custody as a single man who engaged in an affair with a married woman if you are offering a good home and income for the child are agree to accept it into the family with your other kids.

 

But I think you do have to accept that he has a right as the bio father to have visitation with the child. The court will not deprive him of that right as long as he can show he is a fit parent and not a danger to the child. They don't really care about what conflict this causes you and your wife because jealousy/inconvenience is not grounds for depriving him of his parental rights.

[aheavyheart]

I also am footing the bill from this pregnancy whether or not we stay together. I am not sure how to end it all at this point. I realise this is not going to work unless he is not involved. How do i handle this?

[abitbroken]

I also am footing the bill from this pregnancy whether or not we stay together. I am not sure how to end it all at this point. I realise this is not going to work unless he is not involved. How do i handle this?

 

what does "work" mean? For your marriage to work? For the custody to work? Unfortunately, you are going to have to entertain that there is a possibilty that the guy won't be involved, option #2 a possibility that your marriage will NOT work and you will be working out agreements of custody for your own children, or #3 you are going to have to learn some patience and humility to juggle having your family while having the other man have visitation with the child lives in your home.

 

Firstly, you must decide. Do you want your wife to be your wife, or do you decide that adultery is a justification for divorce and leave her/she leaves you? if you WANT your wife, then you have to then decide how you will deal with the other child. If you do NOT want to be with your wife, then you have nothing to do with the other man but help decide what interaction the kids have with him. You can't choose whether he is in your life or not and then decide on the other stuff based on that. It would also be low if you decided that you DID NOT want your wife but she gave up the child thinking that she would be with you and that was a way to earn your favor. So you have to really really decide if the wife goes or stays FIRST.

 

Deciding to do what your marriage comes first. Your family has already been broken by the affair.

 

If you do accept your wife back fully, then you have to accept the child. You cannot treat the child rudely or unkindly. They are innocent. It is then up for the chips to fall whether the man gives up custody by his own choice or whether you decide to never have him in your home and she is required to pass off the child elsewhere.

 

But like i say - decide whether you want your wife or not - not "the family" but your wife. Then everything else can be decided.

[SturmUndDrang]

I also am footing the bill from this pregnancy whether or not we stay together. I am not sure how to end it all at this point. I realise this is not going to work unless he is not involved. How do i handle this?

 

It sounds like you've come to the conclusion that you need to be done with this marriage, in which case, you need to get yourself a family law attorney *immediately* and do whatever s/he advises you to protect yourself, your children, and your assets.

 

I may have missed it, but if you haven't already gotten counselling for yourself and your children, that's the very next step you need to take, because this will be very difficult on all of you, and you will all need the support and guidance of a professional person with a neutral perspective.

 

I'm so very sorry this has happened to you and your family. I wish you peace as you go through this process.

 

SturmUndDrang

[Reflective82]

Hi a heavy heart,

 

I know you already have a lot of advice but I have some experience I'd like to share.

 

My father has had affairs for a long time. A few years ago he got his mistress pregnant. She kept the child and the child is now 3.

 

I found out from seeing pictures on the computer, and my mum already had suspicions as he was not good at hiding it and also it was obvious because he would be gone weekends.

 

At first your reaction is to unite and make it you two against the world, we can get through anything, but as I have seen first hand, an affair you may be able to get over, but this child is NEVER going to go away, and most likely neither is the parent. My dad is staying with my mum and has told her the affair is over, but we have no proof because when he is visiting this child how do we know he isn't resuming the relationship? My mum should have left a long time ago and she knows this. The mental hell this has put her through.....and once you get over the initial shock I don't know how resentment and hurt won't ruin your relationship. I think it will.

 

You can't force the biological father out of the picture, unless HE says he will give up all rights to the child, which I doubt he will. So even if you raise it together, he will still have visitation rights. Do not under estimate the impact of this, this man will be in your lives forever. Shared Christmases, calling round to see the child etc....

 

My personal opinion would be to file for divorce, but if you are determined to save the marriage you need to accept co parenting with this other man.

[Reflective82]

PS- I just have to say I really hope I can find a man who would love me so unconditionally as to still want me if I did this, it really is amazing. Please tell me your wife's secret!

[aheavyheart]

My wife does not want the bio-dad involved and wants us to raise this child in our family together. I am fine with that scenario. I am not OK with him being around. I feel that will be too much for me to take and our marriage will never fully heal.

[whysoalone]

Let me just say that I feel for you man, 100%. This would have to be one of the worst situations to be involved in. If it was my choice I'd have given her the boot, fought for custody of the kids and told her to go jump.

 

BUT, that is not me! Now, depending on where you're from in the world, you should ask your attorney for a Termination of Parental Rights. He will have to sign it, that'll be the biggest hurdle. But it's well worth giving it a go and at least discussing something of the sorts with your attorney!

 

Good luck.

[Reflective82]

Does the father agree to this though? If he doesn't, surely you won't be allowed to restrict the biological father from his child? I know it makes you mad, but he does have a right to see the child.

 

Also, won't it be a constant reminder of what she did?

 

Will you ever tell the child? As if you do (which you should) he will want to go and find his real dad.

 

I am not certain this guy will ever be 100% gone from your lives

[chitown9]

Heavyheart, it is a tough situation for sure. My feeling is that the OM will fade out of the picture, and the reason I think so is he seems to have a lot of issues to deal with because of his substance abuse. What he wants to do and what he actually does is what really matters. Only time will tell on that issue.

 

I think that it takes a real man to do what you are willing to do by taking on this coming baby into your family as your own. I can't tell you how highly I think of you for your willingness to do this. It will be necessary to reveal the truth to the child at some future point in time. I am sure that child will love you all the more for the stance that you have taken in this difficult situation. You are the "real Dad" in my eyes, and I am quite sure that you will be the "real Dad" in this child"s eyes too. Sometimes things take a surprising turn, and I would not be surprised if this is one of those situations. My suggestion to you and your wife is to embrace this coming baby with open arms and happy anticipation. Your children will be watching and taking in all that is going on and they will take their cue from their parents, which is you and your wife. Make lemonade out of lemons. Best wishes to you and your family.

[aheavyheart]

I seriously doubt he will terminate his parental rights. He has nothing to lose. My attorney says he will at very least have visitation and quite possibly joint custody if OM establishes paternity. I will not kick my wife out right now while she is pregnant, but i do not think i can bear to have this guy around with the potential havoc on my kids...

[Fudgie]

Do any of you know that he really wants to be in the kid's life?

 

II agree. Having him around would really wreck your kids and send a bad message.

[aheavyheart]

It very much appears so... as in a letter from his attorney to my wife.

[Zanetka]

Very sorry about your situation, wishing you all the best. What do you plan to do now that he seriously wants to be a part of the child's life?

[chitown9]

He has an attorney... That does puts a different light on the subject. Maybe this is too personel to ask, and if it is, please ignore my question, but what is he asking for through his attorney to your wife? Knowing this might reveal some information that will aid us is our ability to help you through this. So sorry. It must be very hurtful for you to have to cope with this and still be there for your children....chi

[Moontiger]

Just want to point of that this other man (by every right) wanting access to HIS child (not yours) is not what is wrecking your marriage. You WIFE choosing to get pregnant by this guy is what wrecked your marriage.

 

The ONLY ways for him to not be involved are 1) For him to sign away his rights (he has an lawyer so it doesn't sound like that will happen) 2) For your wife to give up the child to him.

 

Wanting to keep a child and parent apart is cruel, petty, mean-spirited, and just plan wrong.

[Reflective82]

That's what I suspected a heavy heart....

 

Not sure what more to suggest really, I hope things work out and become clearer