my wife is pregnant from an affair...

[Moontiger]

Is she really bi-polar? Where you in the room when the doctor told her that? Or are you just taking what she says at face value? (Which you should NEVER do again).

 

Let me ask you something, if you were in the OM position, would you give up your rights? From a father's perspective not from the perspective of a heart broken husband. Think about that, someone asking you to give up your unborn child.

 

The other man is here to stay in your wife's life forever. And unless he has some extreme issues he has every right to see his kid.

[aheavyheart]

when we were going through custody battle earlier, the psych eval said she had a manic episode... followed by a depression... that is why i got temp custody at the time. due to her pregnancy, she is not on meds

[lavenderdove]

You need to talk to a lawyer. in some locations, any child born to a married couple is considered as the husband being the father, regardless of who actually 'sired' the child. And if you've got a family situation going where the child has siblings in your family and you are willing to accept this child as your own, i doubt the court would give him custody, though if he can prove paternity, he will probably be entitled to vistation.

 

Children are not removed from a parent just because there is illness involved, unless it can be proven the child is in danger. And there is a distinct preference in courts to give custody to children under 5 years old to the mother. So he would have to really fight and work to get custody, and pay a lawyer a lot of money.

 

You might want to consult a lawyer of your own to discuss the possibilities here.

[aheavyheart]

my attorney tells me i am legally responsible for paying for this pregnancy whether or not we stay together since we are still married and that i am the legal father unless OM establishes paternity... she has spoken to a friend of hers that says he wants to be involved with his child. I would provide a better home for this child. We just want him to not be involved and damage our lives anymore... how can we get him out of the picture???

[Moontiger]

my attorney tells me i am legally responsible for paying for this pregnancy whether or not we stay together since we are still married and that i am the legal father unless OM establishes paternity... she has spoken to a friend of hers that says he wants to be involved with his child. I would provide a better home for this child. We just want him to not be involved and damage our lives anymore... how can we get him out of the picture???

 

Again, you have to think of this from a father's perspective. Ask yourself this: What could keep you away from YOUR children? Seeing as you love them I'm guessing h--- would freeze over before you would let someone keep you from your children. Well, that's the situation that the other man is in. In other words: You cannot stop him from being a part of his child's life. That means you cannot stop him from having contact with your wife. More over, this child has a right to know who his father is.

[Moontiger]

my attorney tells me i am legally responsible for paying for this pregnancy whether or not we stay together since we are still married and that i am the legal father unless OM establishes paternity... she has spoken to a friend of hers that says he wants to be involved with his child. I would provide a better home for this child. We just want him to not be involved and damage our lives anymore... how can we get him out of the picture???

 

No, no, no! He has done nothing to damage your lives. This is 100% on your wife. Place the blame where it belongs. She made choices that now effect you and your children and that will effect this unborn child in unknowable ways. Don't be mad at this guy for wanting to do the right thing and be their for HIS (not yours) kid.

[aheavyheart]

well i feel he has done enough damage to all of my family. if not for him then she could have got the help she needed and not be in this situation moontiger...if he cares about the best interests of his child and for her then he would just let us be

[Moontiger]

well i feel he has done enough damage to all of my family. if not for him then she could have got the help she needed and not be in this situation moontiger...if he cares about the best interests of his child and for her then he would just let us be

 

Would you give up your child to someone who could provide a life with more money, better educational chances, and without a bi-polar mother?

[Moontiger]

Also, you wife could have gotten help ANY time she felt like it. Its only because she has been caught in a bad situation that she now pulling the mental illness card. While she is trying to save her own butt and you are not willing to hold her accountable for her action, this guy is wanting to do the right thing.

[aheavyheart]

she was deemed unstable in our custody hearing well before this POSOM got her pregnant. I just want him to not ruin our family and figure out a way to protect my family from the destructiveness he will cause all of us

[Moontiger]

she was deemed unstable in our custody hearing well before this POSOM got her pregnant. I just want him to not ruin our family and figure out a way to protect my family from the destructiveness he will cause all of us

 

She caused this destruction. She knew she had a problem and didn't seek help until after this other man got her knocked up. Now she is crying about having a mental problem. Never got help until she needed to keep you around and provide a stable life for her.

 

So, would you give up your child to someone who would love them, give them better chances in life, and who didn't have a mental illness? That would be a better life for you children. By your logic (That this guy should give up his rights because you can provide a better life for the child) you should give up your children to people who can provide a better life for them.

[aheavyheart]

how am i supposed to hold her accountable for her actions as you stated earlier? no contact, counseling, she regrets other man in her life... what else can i do?

[Moontiger]

how am i supposed to hold her accountable for her actions as you stated earlier? no contact, counseling, she regrets other man in her life... what else can i do?

 

By putting the responsibility for this situation 100% on her. This other guy is not a POS, he is a man who wants to be in his child's life. Your wife choose to cheat, got pregnant (were they even using any protection?), choose to keep the baby, all the while knowing the consequences. Stop making excuses for her. She is a grow @$$ woman and now has to deal with what she created.

 

So, would you give up your kids to someone who could give them a better life?

[aheavyheart]

of course i would not give up my kids! the best thing for my kids is to have a unbroken family which is what i am trying to fix!!! OM cannot support child like i can. i would give this baby a better life regardless

[Moontiger]

of course i would not give up my kids! the best thing for my kids is to have a unbroken family which is what i am trying to fix!!! OM cannot support child like i can. i would give this baby a better life regardless

 

So your not willing to give up your kids but expect this man to??? Until you are willing to give up your kids you have no right to ask that of him.

 

And, remember, this is NOT your child. You have zero say in what happens with him.

[Fudgie]

Please, stop putting the blame on the OM. "If it weren't for the POSOM who got her pregnant"...Look, it's not like your wife was MAGICALLY seduced against her will and impregnated against her will like she was raped. You are forgetting, she had an AFFAIR...she love(d) this man and LET the affair develop and SHE made the CHOICE to SLEEP with him and again, SHE made the CHOICE to keep the child. She is responsible for ruining the marriage. She is the one who made vows to you and then took a steaming crap on them when she decided to cheat. Yes, this guy is scummy for being with a married woman but ultimately, he had no obligation to keep YOUR marriage intact. But she had responsibility in keeping HER marriage intact. She is the wife.

 

I think it is unfair that you would not give up your own kids yet you expect this man to give up his. That's very hypocritical.

 

Your family is already broken. You think parents separating is what makes a family broken? Yes, it can, but is far more broken and insidious when the parents stay together and perpetuate lies and sham relationships and cheat on each other. There is no pride in staying together when that is going on. Your wife is having another man's baby and you're all expecting to go through with it and pretend like its yours and nothing happened. Your family is the definition of broken...divorced households with split custody are LESS broken and messed up than your family right now because many of those families are actually HONEST with their children. Pretending that it isn't broken doesn't make it NOT broken...it makes it worse.

 

You can't just make this man go away. It is his child and provided that he doesn't abuse the child or whatnot, he has a right to see it and be in its life. You can't just take away that basic right because it's not convenient for you and because you want to keep hiding your wife from the consequences from being a hussy. You need to put yourself in his shoes.

[lavenderdove]

Well, you can't force him to go away, but you can just go forward as if you are the father. He'd then have to pay for a court ordered paternity test and go to court to establish paternity and ask for visitation. He would also be required to pay for court costs and also potentially pay for child support. If he wants to actually try to get custody, that is very unlikely in this situation, and could cost him tons of money which he may not have/want to do.

 

Many people will talk big but not actually pursue this in court when they realize the amount of time and effort it takes to care for a child alone. If he really is serious about pursuing establishing paternity, then at that time you could have the court work out a visitation schedule.

 

He may be pressing this now because he is hoping if he does this your wife will leave and go back to him, but if he realizes that won't work, he may be less inclined to try to stir up trouble. But he still might want some involvement in this child's life. and if he can establish paternity you might have to accept that he does get some visitation with the child.

[Fudgie]

If he establishes paternity (which is fairly easy because your wife by law HAS to comply)...maybe he won't get custody but he'll get visitation FOR SURE. You can almost never forbid a bio parent from visitation. So you know what? You're going to be seeing this guy every single week (most likely), for decades. What lies are you going to tell your current children about him?

[lavenderdove]

Fudgie, i'm not sure what you're arguing for here... the point is this has happened, and now they need to find a way to work it out.

 

People with bi-polar disorder ARE ill and one symptom of the illness is promiscuity, spending money wildly, and an 'overenthusiasm' combined with horrible judgment when they are in a manic phase... they are considered not in their right minds when they do these things because they just aren't. If she has been diagnosed by a professional as bi-polar and in the midst of a manic phase, she is not a 'hussy', she is extremely ill and bi-polars do all kinds of things when manic that are not 'moral' defects but the effects of the illness.

 

she DOES need to take responsibility in future for taking her medication to ensure this never happens again. That part she is responsible for. But it is also extremely common for bi-polars to periodically think they are OK to skip it, but when they do they have something like this happen and it sobers them up and makes them realize that no matter how 'flat' they feel when on meds, they do need to take them. So she may well have really learned her lesson here.

 

So it is a very sad siuation but I think it can and will get worked out eventually. I think that what will eventually happen is that if this man goes to court, he will get visitation and that will be something that the OP and family will have to accept. HOWEVER, i think he can explain it to the children with the understanding that Mommy DOES have a mental illness, and when she had that manic episode she went off the rails and spent time with another man and that is why they have a sibling who has a different biological daddy and does visit and spend time with that daddy, but who still is part of their family and loved by all.

 

The children will be well aware that their mother is ill because someone in the midst of a bi-polar episode engages in all kinds of bizarre things they they do not do when they are in their right mind. So that explanation will make sense to all and smooth this over.

 

My guess would be that the courts will evaluate this and if she is on medication and the OP is willing to include this child in his family and does have the resources to care for it, they will let primary custody stay with the mother and OP. They rarely separate an infant child from the mother other than for short visitations. The fact that there are other children in the home who are siblings and a family situation would also argue for letting the child live primarily with the family. But the biological father will get some visitation rights. When babies are infants and the mother is breastfeeding, that usually means a few hours a week. When the child is older, every other weekend.

 

So the children will eventually have to be told what is going on. but it can be explained in a way that they do understand because they know Mommy got sick and it can be explained in a way that they will understand. Once they all settle down, it will work out.

[Blue_Skirt]

Aheavyheart, I have been following this thread since day 1 and I feel sorry, your heart must indeed be heavy.

 

I think you need to stop blaming the other man. It’s your wife who cheated on you. It’s not the other man who got your wife pregnant. Your wife engaged in sexual activities outside her marriage, not using any form of protection, well you know, you can get pregnant from that.

 

If you really, really want to fix your marriage, you need to forgive your wife and accept all the consequences that come along with it. And one 1 of those consequences is that the child’s biological father will always be there.

 

of course i would not give up my kids! the best thing for my kids is to have a unbroken family which is what i am trying to fix!!! OM cannot support child like i can. i would give this baby a better life regardless

 

Who are you to say that you can give the baby a better life? Why would you have the right to keep the baby’s biological father out of the baby’s life?

 

Let me walk you fast forward to the year 2031. Let’s imagine everything went the way you wanted it. Your marriage is somehow fixed, you adopted the child as yours and the biological father never got involved, never paid a penny. Your child knows, that you are not the biological father and has been dealing quite good with that.

 

But, we are in the year 2031, right. Your child is 18 now and always wanted to know its biological roots. That’s normal, that’s the way it most probably will go. So the child goes on its journey and finds its biological father. They meet up and imagine, wow, this is a positive and amazing experience for the child. Then, Aheavyheart, you will be the bad guy, who always kept the father out of the child’s life. (Even though you have taken good care of the child for 18 years.)

 

And if the search for the biological father may not turn out to be a positive experience, she may blame her mother for messing around with a jerk and you for staying around your wife who messed up.

 

I have no children, but I was cheated on while in a long term relationship. Sometimes it is better to make a clear cut and start a new phase in your life. Get all the legal advice you need. Get psychological care for your children and yourself. Get custody of your kids and be there for them. Invest all the energy you have in your children, rather than investing the energy in fixing something which, in my view, is beyond repair. You can try to put a vase together which has broken into a thousand pieces, but it will always be the vase that broke into a thousand pieces.

 

Your wife has decided to keep the child and abortion is not possible anymore and I would never actively promote abortion, but I think every child has the right to be wanted, and even that is not a guarantee for the happiness in a child’s life. It breaks my heart to hear about the baby being referred to as a “product of the affair”.

 

I wish you a lot of wisdom. I would not want to be in your shoes for the moment.

[Moontiger]

Heavyheart, I highly suggest speaking to a child therapist about the effect on a child of being a produce of an affair. I just caught something on TV last week where grow up where taking about finding out the had been the product of an affair. Must of these people had long last effects. Most couldn't trust in a relationship.

 

It might be better to let the other man have primary custody. It's his kid after all and your wife is not stable.

[aheavyheart]

all that i am concerned about right now is protecting my wife and children from this OM's involvement with our lives in any way and anymore ... right or wrong. is there any advice on how to keep him out of our broken but somewhat happy lives?

[Moontiger]

No. That is HIS child.

[aheavyheart]

no??? i am just trying to preserve the sanctity of my family. why can i not get some advice on some options to explore on this on how to exclude him from any more damaging involvement? he has a dui and 2 drunk in public and a possesion of marijuana charge. how is he qualified to raise a child?

[Moontiger]

no??? i am just trying to preserve the sanctity of my family. why can i not get some advice on some options to explore on this on how to exclude him from any more damaging involvement? he has a dui and 2 drunk in public and a possesion of marijuana charge. how is he qualified to raise a child?

 

How is your wife??? She isn't stable and has shown just as much bad behavior as he has. By your logic your children should be taken way from your wife.

 

Bottom line is he is the bio father. How you feel about your children is how he feels towards his child. You refuse to give up your children, he refuses to give up his.

 

He has legal and moral rights to his child. There is nothing you can do. If you want to take him to court then he will expose all the stuff your wife has done. How do you think the judge will feel about letting a child stay with a woman who has shown her kind of behavior.

 

I am really sadden that not one of you in this situation (well, to some extent his bio father is) looking out for this defenseless, innocent child. That child has a right to know his father. If that makes it hard for your family, tough cookies. Your wife put y'all in this situation.